BEIJING — For three decades, Jiang Lin kept quiet about the carnage she had seen on the night when the Chinese Army rolled through Beijing to crush student protests in Tiananmen Square. But the memories tormented her — of soldiers firing into crowds in the dark, bodies slumped in pools of blood and the thud of clubs when troops bludgeoned her to the ground near the square.

北京——30年来，对于自己在军队开进北京、镇压天安门广场学生抗议活动那一晚所看到的屠戮，江林一直保持沉默。但记忆折磨着她——士兵在黑暗中朝人群开枪，一具具躯体倒在血泊中，还有她在广场附近被士兵打倒在地时，棍棒发出的闷响。

Ms. Jiang was a lieutenant in the People’s Liberation Army back then, with a firsthand view of both the massacre and a failed attempt by senior commanders to dissuade China’s leaders from using military force to crush the pro-democracy protests. Afterward, as the authorities sent protesters to prison and wiped out memories of the killing, she said nothing, but her conscience ate at her.

江林当时是人民解放军的一名中校，她不仅目睹了那场大屠杀，还看到了众将领如何徒劳地劝说中国领导人不要用军队镇压亲民主抗议者。那之后，当局把抗议者关进监狱，抹去杀戮的记忆，她虽只字不提，却一直受着良心的谴责。

Now, in the run-up to the 30th anniversary of the June 4, 1989, crackdown, Ms. Jiang, 66, has decided for the first time to tell her story. She said she felt compelled to call for a public reckoning because generations of Chinese Communist Party leaders, including President Xi Jinping, have expressed no remorse for the violence. Ms. Jiang left China this week.

如今，在1989年6月4日镇压事件30周年即将来临之际，66岁的江林终于下定决心要说出她的故事。她说她觉得必须呼吁进行一场公开的清算，因为，包括习近平主席在内的数代中国共产党领导人，对这场暴力事件从未表达过任何悔过之意。江林本周离开了中国。

“The pain has eaten at me for 30 years,” she said in an interview in Beijing. “Everyone who took part must speak up about what they know happened. That’s our duty to the dead, the survivors and the children of the future.”

“那种痛苦已经折磨我30年了，”她在北京接受采访时说。“所有参与的人都应该把自己知道的事情说出来，我觉得这样对死者、对生者、对未来的孩子都是一个责任。”

Ms. Jiang’s account has a wider significance: She sheds new light on how military commanders tried to resist orders to use armed force to clear protesters from the square they had taken over for seven weeks, captivating the world.

江林的陈述有着更广泛层面的意义：她进一步揭示军队将领曾如何抵制武力清场的命令，他们此前已控制广场数周，引发了全世界的关注。

She described her role in spreading word of a letter from senior generals opposing martial law, and gave details of other letters from commanders who warned the leadership not to use troops in Beijing. And she saw on the streets how soldiers who carried out the party’s orders shot indiscriminately as they rushed to retake Tiananmen Square.

她提到自己曾参与传达几名高级将领的一封信，信中表达了对戒严令的反对，另外她还透露了其他一些指挥官的信函细节，劝谏领导层不要在北京动用军队。她曾在街上亲眼目睹士兵们急于夺回对天安门广场的控制，开始执行中共下达的命令，向人群肆意射击。

江林在北京家中。 THE NEW YORK TIMES

Even after 30 years, the massacre remains one of the most delicate topics in Chinese politics, subjected to a sustained and largely successful effort by the authorities to erase it from history. The party has ignored repeated calls to acknowledge that it was wrong to open fire on the students and residents, and resisted demands for a full accounting of how many died.

尽管已经过去30年，这场大屠杀仍是中国政治中最敏感的话题之一，当局为将其从历史中抹除付诸了持久努力，并且在很大程度上取得了成功。中共无视各方一再的呼吁，拒不承认肆意射杀学生和市民是错误的，也不愿对死者人数进行全面的统计。

The authorities regularly detain former protest leaders and the parents of students and residents killed in the crackdown. A court convicted four men in southwestern China this year for selling bottles of liquor that referred to the Tiananmen crackdown.

当局会定期拘捕昔日的抗议领导人，以及镇压中遇害的学生和市民的父母。中国西南部某法院今年将四名男子定罪，原因是他们售卖了指涉天安门镇压事件的白酒。

Over the years, a small group of Chinese historians, writers, photographers and artists have tried to chronicle the chapters in Chinese history that the party wants forgotten.

多年来，不多的几位中国历史学家、作家、摄影师和艺术家曾努力将中共想要人们忘记的这部分历史记载下来。

But Ms. Jiang’s decision to challenge the silence carries an extra political charge because she is not only an army veteran but also the daughter of the military elite. Her father was a general, and she was born and raised in military compounds. She proudly enlisted in the People’s Liberation Army about 50 years ago, and in photos from her time as a military journalist, she stands beaming in her green army uniform, a notebook in hand and camera hanging from her neck.

但江林做出挑战这种沉默的决定，还承载着另外一层政治指控，因为她不仅是一名老兵，也是军中权势人物之女。她的父亲是位将军，她从小生长在军队大院。大约50年前，她自豪地加入了中国人民解放军，成为一名军旅记者，在那段时期的照片里，身着绿军服的她精神饱满地站立着，手拿笔记本，脖子上挂着照相机。

She never imagined that the army would turn its guns against unarmed people in Beijing, Ms. Jiang said.

江林说，她从未想象过军队会把枪口指向手无寸铁的北京民众。

“How could fate suddenly turn so that you could use tanks and machine guns against ordinary people?” she said. “To me, it was madness.”

“怎么突然一天就变天了，就是你能够开着坦克、拿着机关枪向老百姓扫射？”她说。“我想简直是疯了。”

1989年6月2日，天安门广场。 CATHERINE HENRIETTE/AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE — GETTY IMAGES

Qian Gang, her former supervisor at the Liberation Army Daily, who now lives abroad, corroborated details of Ms. Jiang’s account. Ms. Jiang shared hundreds of yellowing pages of a memoir and diaries that she wrote while trying to make sense of the slaughter.

江林现居国外，她之前在《解放军报》的上级钱钢证实了江林讲述的细节。江林分享了数百页发黄的稿件，包括一部回忆录和日记，都是她在苦苦思索这场屠杀的根由的过程中写下的。

“More than once I’ve daydreamed of visiting Tiananmen wearing mourning clothes and leaving a bunch of pure white lilies,” she wrote in 1990.

“我不止一次地幻想，我穿着丧服走向了天安门，在那里，我献上了一束洁白的马蹄莲花，”她1990年写道。

‘The People’s Military’

“人民的军队”

Ms. Jiang felt a stab of fear in May 1989 when radio and television news crackled with an announcement that China’s government would impose martial law on much of Beijing in an effort to clear student protesters from Tiananmen Square.

1989年5月，为驱离天安门广场的学生抗议者，广播和电视新闻开始高声宣布中国政府将在北京大部分地区实施戒严，江林顿时感到一阵锥心的恐惧。

The protests had broken out in April, when students marched to mourn the sudden death of Hu Yaobang, a popular reformist leader, and demand cleaner, more open government.

抗议活动是4月爆发的，当时学生纷纷走上街头悼念突然离世的胡耀邦。这位备受爱戴的改革派领导人希望有一个更清廉、更开明的政府。

By declaring martial law across urban Beijing, Deng Xiaoping, the party’s leader, signaled that armed force was an option.

在北京城区四处下达戒严令后，中共领导人邓小平示意可以考虑动用武力。

Researchers have previously shown that several senior commanders resisted using military force against the protesters, but Ms. Jiang gave new details on the extent of the resistance inside the military and how officers tried to push back against the orders.

此前已有研究发现，几名高级指挥官曾抵制对抗议者实施军事镇压的命令，但关于军队内部的反抗程度，以及军官曾如何抗命，江林给出了新的细节。

Gen. Xu Qinxian, the leader of the formidable 38th Group Army, refused to lead his troops into Beijing without clear written orders, and checked himself into a hospital. Seven commanders signed a letter opposing martial law that they submitted to the Central Military Commission that oversaw the military.

赫赫有名的第38集团军军长徐勤先将军，曾拒绝在无明确书面指令的情况下率部队入京，并且选择住进了医院。七位将领签署了反对戒严的联名信，并呈交给掌管军队的中央军事委员会。

“It was a very simple message,” she said, describing the letter. “The People’s Liberation Army is the people’s military and it should not enter the city or fire on civilians.”

“信是很简单，”她形容这封信说。“人民解放军是人民的军队，不要进城，不要向老百姓开枪。”

Ms. Jiang, eager to spread the word of the generals’ letter, read it over the telephone to an editor at People’s Daily, the Communist Party’s main newspaper, where the staff were disobeying orders to censor news about the protests. But the paper did not print the letter because one of the generals who signed it objected, saying it was not meant to be made public, she said.

江林急切地想把将军联名信的消息散发出去，于是通过电话将信函内容读给了中共主要报纸《人民日报》的一名编辑，这家报社当时正顶着上级的命令发布有关抗议活动的消息。但因签署联名信的其中一位将军表示反对，称此信本不打算公之于众，报社就没有刊载。

Ms. Jiang still hoped that the rumblings inside the military would deter Deng from sending in soldiers to clear the protesters. But on June 3, she heard that the troops were advancing from the west of the city and shooting at people.

此时江林仍希望，军队内部的反对呼声能使邓小平打消派兵清场的念头。但在6月3日，她听说部队正从北京城西侧进入，并在射杀民众。

The army had orders to clear the square by early on June 4, using any means. Announcements went out warning residents to stay inside.

军队于6月4日接到了动用一切手段清场的命令。官方发出公告，警告居民留在家中。

‘Any Lie is Possible’

“任何谎话都可以讲”

But Ms. Jiang did not stay inside.

但江林并没有待在家里。

She remembered the people she had seen on the square earlier in the day. “Would they be killed?” she thought.

她想起那天早些时候在广场上见到的人。“他们会被打死吗？”她想。

家人在安慰一个刚刚得知儿子死讯的女人，她的儿子是一名学生抗议者，在天安门大屠杀中被士兵杀害。 DAVID TURNLEY/CORBIS, VIA GETTY IMAGES

She headed into the city on bicycle to watch the troops come in, knowing that the confrontation represented a watershed in Chinese history. She knew she risked being mistaken for a protester because she was dressed in civilian clothes. But that night, she said, she did not want to be identified with the military.

她骑着自行车进入市区看部队进城的情形，她知道，这场冲突将成为中国历史上的一个转折点。她知道自己可能会被误认为是抗议者，因为她穿着便服。但是她说，在那天晚上，她不想被认出是军人。

“This was my responsibility,” she said. “My job was to report major breaking news.”

“这个是我的责任，”她说。“我是专门报道突发的重大新闻的。”

Ms. Jiang followed soldiers and tanks as they advanced into the heart of Beijing, bursting through makeshift blockades formed with buses and firing wildly at crowds of residents furious that their government was using armed force.

江林尾随士兵和坦克开进北京市中心，他们冲破了由公交车组成的临时路障，恣意射杀已被政府动武行为激怒的群众。

Ms. Jiang stayed close to the ground, her heart pounding as bullets flew overhead. Bursts of gunfire and blasts from exploding gasoline tanks shook the air, and heat from burning buses stung her face.

江林匍匐在地，子弹从头顶飞过，她的心怦怦直跳。枪炮声和油箱爆炸声响彻天际，她的脸能感受到燃烧的公交车吐出的热浪。

Near midnight, Ms. Jiang approached Tiananmen Square, where soldiers stood silhouetted against the glow of fires. An elderly gatekeeper begged her not to go on, but Ms. Jiang said she wanted to see what would happen. Suddenly, over a dozen armed police officers bore down on her, and some beat her with electric prods. Blood gushed from her head, and Ms. Jiang fell.

接近午夜时分，江林逐渐接近天安门广场，熊熊火光前站着一个个士兵的身影。一个上年纪的门卫恳求她不要再往前走了，但江林说她想看看会发生什么。突然，十几名武警向她逼近，有几个人用电棒殴打她。鲜血从她的头上涌出，江林摔倒了。

Still, she did not pull out the card that identified her as a military journalist.

不过，她并没有亮明自己的军事记者身份。

“I’m not a member of the Liberation Army today,” she thought to herself. “I’m one of the ordinary civilians.”

“我今天不是解放军，”她想。“我今天就是老百姓。”

A young man propped her on his bicycle to carry her away, and some foreign journalists rushed her to a nearby hospital, Ms. Jiang said. A doctor stitched up her head wound. She watched, dazed, as the dead and wounded arrived by dozens.

江林说，一个年轻人扶着她上了自行车，把她带走，一些外国记者迅速送她去了附近的一家医院。医生缝合了她头部的伤口。茫然中，她看到数十名死伤者被送到医院。

大屠杀次日，天安门广场一侧的长安街。整条街上满是被愤怒民众烧毁的军车。 DAVID TURNLEY/CORBIS, VIA GETTY IMAGES

The brutality of that night left her shellshocked.

那天晚上的暴行让她震惊不已。

“It felt like watching my own mother being raped,” she said. “It was unbearable.”

“我当时就觉得就是让我看我母亲被人强奸的那种感觉，”她说。“我根本不能接受。”

Ms. Jiang has long hesitated to tell her story. The head injury she suffered in 1989 left her with a scar and recurring headaches.

多年来江林一直不愿讲述自己的经历。1989年受的伤在她头上留下疤痕，还有反复发作的头痛。

She was interrogated in the months after the 1989 crackdown, and detained and investigated twice in following years over the private memoir that she wrote. She formally left the military in 1996 and has since lived a quiet life, largely ignored by the authorities.

1989年镇压行动的几个月后，她受到了审讯，随后几年里，她因为自己私下里写的回忆录而被拘捕和调查了两次。她于1996年正式退役，此后一直过着平静的生活，基本上被当局忽视。

In recalling the events over several interviews in recent weeks, Ms. Jiang’s voice often slowed and her sunny personality seemed to retreat under the shadow of her memories.

在最近几周的几次采访中，回忆往事的江林声音经常会慢下来，开朗的性格在记忆的阴霾之下似乎已经消失不见。

Over the years, she said, she waited for a Chinese leader to come forward to tell the country that the armed crackdown was a calamitous error.

她说，多年来她一直在等待哪一位中国领导人站出来告诉中国，当年的武装镇压是一个灾难性的错误。

But that day never came.

但那一天始终没有到来。

Ms. Jiang said she believed that China’s stability and prosperity would be fragile as long as the party did not atone for the bloodshed.

江林说，她相信，只要中国共产党不去弥补流血事件的罪过，中国的稳定和繁荣就将是脆弱的。

“ All this is built on sand. There’s no solid 

foundation,” she said. “If you can deny that 

people were killed, any lie is possible. ”

     “ 我觉得这个都是建立在沙滩上，

         它是没有一个扎实基础的，”她说。

     “ 你连杀人都不承认，你就任何谎话都可以讲。”