编者按：《华尔街疯人日记》(Memoirs of a Minyan)是财经信息网站Minyanville.com创始人托德.哈里森(Todd Harrison)的回忆录。Harrison讲述了他从摩根士丹利交易员到对冲基金合伙人再到网络媒体人的职业生涯，冷眼剖析了华尔街对金钱的错误崇拜。 一、
当时正是世纪之交，变化即将到来。
当对千年虫的恐惧席卷大街小巷，股市把忧虑挡在墙外时，华尔街正为新发现的财富和非理性繁荣而头脑发热。
对于交易员而言，这是段激动人心的时光，财富就像会飞的魔毯一样神奇地扶摇直上。如果你不是也在手舞足蹈，你就是没赶上趟。从出租司机到家庭主妇，每个人都如同穿上舞鞋般停不下舞动的脚步。
在我这行里，我已经是个老手。我在摩根士丹利(Morgan Stanley)打磨了七年后，开始为一家规模达数十亿美元的纽约对冲基金管理衍生品投资组合。
当我30岁时，有人说我已经在这个到处都是前辈的世界中取得了一定的成就。但还有许多可以做的事，还有更多的钱可以赚。这也是我激励自己做出下一手漂亮交易的自私原因。
我认识吉姆.克拉默 (Jim Cramer，译者注：是Cramer Berkowitz & Co.创办人，现为有线财经频道CNBC节目Mad Money主持人)和杰夫?伯科威茨 (Jeff Berkowitz，译者注：是Cramer Berkowitz & Co.的合伙人) 有好多年了。我在摩根士丹利工作时曾跟踪过他们的对冲基金。不论在人品还是在专业能力上，我都很尊敬他们两个人。随着时间的推移，我们逐渐建立起一 互利共生的关系。
我们交换意见、分享见解，交易价值数十亿美元的股票，我们走的是独立而又相似的路。这是一个探索发现的时期，而且──当时我们还浑然不知的是──是永远改变了我们的生活的关系的开始。
1999年临近结束时，我们的生活重合的部分越来越多。我准备迈出职业生涯中的下一步，而Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金准备将其交易部门改造为强大的合法收入来源，而不再只是执行命令的平台。
他们已经拥有知识资本，也有证明这一资本的业绩。我们的联手将把我们提升到新的高度，使我们这个基金成为不可小觑的一支力量。
当我们这段关系进一步发展的过程可谓天衣无缝；我将作为合伙人加入公司，管理全部交易业务。我要求在人事决策、委托投资方向和风险管理系统上拥有完全自主权。我的每项要求都得到了满足。
当我们在Gramercy餐馆(Gramercy Tavern)开瓶庆祝时，这笔交易以拥抱和握手圆满敲定。我将亲手打造公司的交易业务，在华尔街上为别人打了10年工后，我终于拥有了一份属于自己的事业。我向Galleon集团递上一封辞呈，搭上我能打到的第一辆出租车前往离华尔街几条街的富尔顿(Fulton)街40号。
我当时是如饥似渴而又谦恭、兴奋而又紧张、满腔热情而又从容不迫。
公司已有的交易员已经为干了许多年，他们所做的就是按克拉默、伯科威茨和研究主管马特?雅各布斯(Matt Jacobs)的指令行事。我的理念与他们有些不同。我认为交易过程可以使仅靠研究人员算出来的利润增值。
我担任了交易部门的领导，并开始静静地观察哪些人可以成为今后三年我事业上的左膀右臂。
但我很快就认识到，我在Cramer Berkowitz的时光绝不会是那种太平无事、普普通通的工作。
这正是我喜欢的。 It was the turn of the century and change was afoot. As Y2K fears swept the street and the stock market scaled the wall of worry, Wall Street was flush with newfound wealth and irrational exuberance. It was an exciting time to be a trader as money magically meandered overhead like some sort of magic carpet ride. If you weren't cutting a rug, you were missing out. And everyone, from taxi drivers to stay-at-home moms, was wearing dancing shoes. I was already a veteran of my chosen profession, having honed my skills at Morgan Stanley for seven years before managing the derivative portfolio at a multibillion-dollar New York hedge fund. At 30 years old, some said I achieved a level of accomplishment in a world filled with grizzly old timers. But there was plenty to do and more to make, a self-serving motivation that drove me to the next best trade. I knew Jim Cramer and Jeff Berkowitz for many years, having covered their hedge fund while climbing the corporate ladder at Morgan Stanley. I respected them both, as people and professionals, and we established a mutually symbiotic relationship over time. We swapped ideas, shared insights and traded billions of dollars worth of stock, blazing separate, yet similar paths. It was a period of discovery, and -- unbeknownst to us at the time -- it was the genesis of a relationship that forever changed our lives. As 1999 drew to a close, our circles began to overlap with increased frequency. I was ready to take the next step in my career, and Cramer Berkowitz was ready to transform their trading desk from an execution platform to a legitimate revenue generator. They already had the intellectual capital in house and the performance to prove it. Our imminent marriage would lift us to the next level and establish our fund as a force to be reckoned with. The courtship was seamless as we took the necessary steps to consummate the relationship; I would join the firm as a partner and run the entire trading operation. I asked for full autonomy on staffing decisions, commission direction and risk management systems. Each and every request was granted. As we uncorked several bottles at Gramercy Tavern, the deal was struck with hugs and handshakes. The trading operation would be mine to mold, and after 10 years on the street, I finally had an operation on which to put my fingerprints. I tendered my resignation at The Galleon Group and took the first cab I could find to 40 Fulton Street. I was hungry yet humble, excited yet nervous, enthusiastic yet measured. The existing traders had been with Cramer Berkowitz for years, executing the vision and vibes of Jim, Jeff and research director Matt Jacobs. I was schooled a bit differently. I believed the trading process could be additive and accretive to profits derived solely from the research functionality. I assumed my position at the head of the desk and committed myself to observe quietly the people who would become my professional family for the next three years. But as I would quickly learn, my role at Cramer Berkowitz would be far from quiet and anything but normal. Just the way I like it.
二、过程就是收获 我并非一直想成为交易员。实际上，我能找到通往华尔街的路并生存下来实在是个小小的奇迹。
我为是否该讲出这个故事而挣扎，因为我不知道是否有人对我的人生经历感兴趣。但当我穿越脑海中的迷雾曲折前行时，我决心拿起笔来，细数我一路走来的历程。
如果这样做不是为了你，也是为了我自己，只不过是用倍数更高的放大镜来观察我们生活的这个及时行乐、过度消费的社会。有人可能会说，我屈服于对金钱的错误崇拜，可能我的确如此。我习惯于认为，成功是用业绩来衡量的，而银行账户就是证明。
你在这篇连载中读到的每件事都是真实的，均为我亲眼所见。我是以不带道德评判，适当谦逊的态度来分享它的。洛乌?曼海姆(Lou Mannheim)曾在电影《华尔街》中说过：人类看向深渊，而那里却无人回望。就在那一刻，人类发现了自己的本性。正是这让他远离深渊。
我曾凝望过自己职业生涯中的几个黑洞，每次都会焕发新的热情，产生更大的决心。将障碍转化为机会的能力是生命中隐藏最深的秘密之一，而最伟大的智慧是在痛苦中孕育而生的。
就像任何旅程一样，我们所选择的道路比目的地更重要。我个人的成长道路包括凭借职场晋升出人头地，追逐成功中的陷阱。一旦到达心中的目的地，我就意识到财富价值和自我价值是完全不同的原动力。
这和我儿时被灌输的信仰截然不同，而它促成了我职业和精神上的重生。在生活中，就像在金融市场中一样，宏大的图景是由许多小图块拼成的。
要想充分理解我身处何方，必须首先了解我是如何走到今天的。 The journey is the reward
I didn't always want to be a trader. In fact, it's a small miracle I found my way to Wall Street and beyond.
I struggled whether to share this story because I didn't know if anyone would be interested in my lot in life. As I weaved my way through the many mazes in my mind, I decided to put pen to paper and recount my steps. If not for you, for me, but with a larger lens on the immediate-gratification, conspicuously consumptive society in which we live. Some might say I bowed to the false idolatry of money, and perhaps I did. I was conditioned to believe that success was measured by a bottom line, and validation could be found in a bank account. Everything you'll read in this series is true, as seen through my eyes. I share it without vice or virtue, and with all due humility. Lou Mannheim said in the movie "Wall Street": "Man looks in the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss."
I've stared into a few black holes during my career and emerged each time with newfound passion and incremental resolve. The ability to turn obstacles into opportunities is one of life's best-kept secrets, and the greatest wisdom is bred as a function of pain. As with any journey, the path we take is more important than the destination. My particular route included climbing the corporate ladder and chasing the trappings of success. Once I got to where I thought I wanted to be, I realized net worth and self-worth were entirely different dynamics. That was distinctly different from what I was programmed to believe as a child, and it facilitated a professional and spiritual rebirthing. In life, as with the markets, the big picture is made of many smaller pictures. To fully appreciate where I was, we must first understand how I got there.
三、面包店男孩 我三岁时，父母就离婚了。回过头看，他们的婚姻从一开始就注定要失败，那是在政治极其动荡的年代中，越战促成的仓促结合。
我们从新泽西搬到长岛大颈(Great Neck)，住在一所俯瞰公园的小公寓里。我和哥哥共用一个房间，我们适应了没有父亲的生活。妈妈在曼哈顿找到了一份工作，她的收入让我们得以享受殷实的中产阶级生活。
我们住在一个富裕的小镇上，但我们并没有住在最富有的社区。在大颈这个地方，孩子们彼此之间是靠鞋和衬衫上的商标来分三六九等的。这就是我对财富的第一印象：虽然有些钱，但对它的欲望似乎永远无法满足。
当我去住在镇子上富人区的朋友家做客时，我感叹于大片的草坪和昂贵的汽车。我问妈妈，为什么我们生活得那么简朴，当时完全没有意识到，对于一个带着两个儿子的单身母亲而言回答这个问题是多么痛苦。她的回答总是千篇一律：如果你想要更多的钱，就去找份工作。
这是她给过我的最好的建议。
13岁时，我开始在当地的一家面包店打工。周六早上5点我就要起床，准备迎接蜂拥而至的顾客。他们中的很多人是我立志要仿效的对象。
我永远也忘不了那个柜台的象征意义。当人们递钱过来交换商品和服务时，柜台就是一个有钱人和穷人的分界线。当时我并不知道，我将经历收银台内外两侧的人生。 Bagel boy
My parents divorced when I was three years old. Looking back, their marriage was doomed from the start, a fast-tracked union facilitated by the Vietnam War during a time of extreme geopolitical uncertainty. We moved from New Jersey to Great Neck, Long Island, and lived in a small apartment overlooking a park. My brother and I shared a room and adapted to life without a father. Our mom took a job in Manhattan, and her income allowed us to enjoy a solid middle-class existence. Yet we managed to live in an affluent town. Great Neck was a place where children measured each other by the logo on their shoes and labels on their shirts. That was my first taste of money, having some, but seemingly never having enough. When I visited friends on the wealthier side of town, I marveled at the sprawling lawns and fancy cars. I asked my mother why we lived with such modest means, unaware of how painful it must have been for a single parent with two young boys to field such questions. Her response was always the same: "If you want more money, get a job." It was the single best piece of advice she ever gave me. At the age of 13, I began working at the local bagel shop. I awoke at 5 a.m. on Saturdays to prepare for the mad rush of customers, many of whom were the families I aspired to emulate. I never forgot the symbolism of that counter, a divide representing the chasm between the "haves" and "have nots" as money changed hands for goods and services. Little did I know that I would experience life on both sides of that cash register. 四、长大成人 我的父亲搬到了加利福尼亚，我们的来往仅限于不太经常的交谈和在暑假见上几面。我曾经在生日时盯着电话等待它响起，期望可以假装一切如常，哪怕有一丝父爱的暗示也好。然而，就连这点愿望也很少得到满足。
我用许多方式表达自己的不满。我变胖了，变得爱打架了，谁挡我的道我就要把他揍跑。我是那种希望搞出点什么事来证明自己，并用行动吸引别人注意的孩子。
对于如何管束我的进攻性性格，我母亲很有远见，她引导我去参加体育运动，通过正面途径发泄我的精力。我在运动方面脱颍而出，并认为自己最终征服了心中的魔鬼。不过，我真是大错特错。
高中是个丑恶的地方，尤其是在长岛这个用财富衡量人的地方。由于被父亲抛弃，我的自尊心变得脆弱，但我依然辛勤劳动。我干着几份工作，这遵照了母亲的建议──如果我想过得更好，就得为之努力工作。
我的祖父鲁比(Ruby)是我最好的朋友，但这弥补不了父亲在我心中留下的巨大空缺。我开始和父亲交流，想了解他为何离开，我在其中起了什么作用。我决心弄明白这个男人到底是怎样的人，并在高二开始时搬到了加州伍德兰德岗(Woodland Hills)。
我父亲的心情阴晴不定。和他每次交流都不知道结果会是什么──这一刻我们还在一起打棒球，试着追回失去的时光，而下一刻，我却要蹑手蹑脚地在家里走路，因为他正在气头上，我可不想让他听见我的声音。我以为他是个情绪化的人，但数年以后，才发现更令人头痛的事就要发生，而且是他无法控制的事。 Coming of age
My father moved to California and our interaction was limited to infrequent visits and occasional summers. I used to stare at the phone on my birthday waiting for it to ring, looking for a semblance of normalcy or an inkling of paternal acceptance. It rarely, if ever, did. My dissatisfaction manifested in many ways. I gained weight, got into fights and lashed out at whoever got in my way. I was the child who looked for validation at the bottom of a milkshake and acted out to get attention.
My mother had the foresight to harness my aggression and guide me towards sports as a positive outlet. I excelled as an athlete and thought I finally arrived and conquered my demons. How wrong I was.
High school is a vicious place, particularly in Long Island, where you're measured by possession. My self-esteem was fragile as a function of my father's abandonment but I continued on a productive path. I held several jobs, following the advice of my mother that if I wanted to get ahead, I had to work for it.
My grandfather Ruby was my best friend but the void left in my father's wake was powerful. I began to communicate with him to understand why he left and how I played a role in it. I decided to find out what the man was all about and moved to Woodland Hills, Calif., at the beginning of my junior year of high school.
My father's energy vacillated from one day to the next. Every encounter was random -- one moment we were tossing a baseball, trying to recapture lost time and the next, I tiptoed through the house because he was so angry, I didn't want him to hear me. I thought he was moody, but would find out years later that something entirely more disturbing was afoot, something beyond his control.
五、新汽车，老问题 他的工作是后期制作主管，看上去这行很适合他。一天晚上，他开着一辆鲜艳的红色法拉利停在我们的车道上，宣布他升职了。我永远也忘不了他有多爱那部车。他给它清洗、打蜡、不厌其烦地夸耀它，彷佛这部车子就是他成功的标志。我到华尔街之后，多次目睹了这类浮夸炫耀之事。
我也买了辆车，是一辆红色的日产200SX，因为我渴望向他看齐。我父亲在贷款协议上签名担保，但说好由我负担月供。我靠着几份工作勉强还贷度日。母亲的建议时常出现在我脑海中：如果你想要钱，就去找份工作。
我想念参加体育运动的时光，但如果放弃它能换来汽车，我情愿做出牺牲。加利福尼亚和纽约有许多不同，如果你没有车的话，就会在社交上处于不利地位。总之，车在这里是个必备品。
一天晚上，父亲走进我的房间，说他被解雇了，卖掉了那辆法拉利。他告诉我，他需要开我的车去参加面试，但我仍然得缴月供。他说，如果我不愿意这么做，我可以搬回大颈。我同意帮忙，希望帮他回到正轨上来。
1987年高中毕业后，我回到了东海岸，在时代广场找了份快餐厨师的工作。我看着那些衣着体面的专业人士买单后赶回去工作──尽管我们几乎没有什么目光接触。当时我正准备到纽约上州上大学迎接全新的开始，真是很难抑制自己的兴奋心情。
我唯一的目标是站在收银台的另一侧。 New car, old troubles He worked as a post-production executive and seemingly found his calling. One evening, he pulled into our driveway in a flashy red Ferrari and announced he got a promotion. I'll never forget how much he loved that car. He washed, waxed and incessantly detailed it as if it, alone, was symbolic of his success. I would witness that stretch for status many times over once I arrived on Wall Street.
I also bought a car, a red Nissan 200SX, as I was anxious to emulate him. My father co-signed the loan with the understanding that I would be responsible for the monthly payments. I worked several jobs to make ends meet. My mother's advice played often in my head: 'If you want money, get a job.'
I missed playing sports but was willing to make the sacrifice if it meant having wheels. California was a lot different from New York and if you didn't have a car, you were socially disadvantaged. It simply wasn't an option.
One night, my father walked into my room and said he was fired from his job and sold the Ferrari. He told me he needed my car to go on interviews but I still had to make the payments. If I didn't like it, he said, I could move back to Great Neck. I agreed to help, hoping to help him get back on track.
When I graduated high school in 1987, I returned to the East Coast and worked as a short-order cook in Times Square. I watched the well-dressed professionals as they paid their way and rushed to work -- rarely, if ever, making eye contact. As I readied for a fresh start in upstate New York, it was hard to contain my excitement.
My lone goal was to be on the other side of the cash register.
六、新生活 走在美国雪城大学(Syracuse University)的校园，我在这里举目无亲，但为自己即将开始新的生活兴奋不已。这里有几个来自纽约长岛大颈(Great Neck)的
熟脸，但没一个称得上朋友。但这一切在开学第一天，我走进课堂后就都改变了。
《社会学入门》在麦克斯威尔礼堂(Maxwell Auditorium)上大课。我是通过勤工俭学项目来上的大学，我暗下决心，一定要好好努力。
我在大学的第一堂课上坐下来，眼睛不由自主地被前排一个男孩吸引过去。他头发乱蓬蓬的，戴着一顶Zeta Psi兄弟会的帽子，正在画一张惟妙惟肖的袋獾图画。
“这是描出来的吧。”在收书的时候，我对他说。
“不，是徒手画出来的。”他笑着说，“我叫凯文?沃森(Kevin Wassong)，大二的，见到你真他妈的高兴。”
下课后，我们俩一边说话，一边走出讲堂。他不时和走过身边的学生打招呼。这是一个与众不同的家伙，颇有一种独特的感染力，介乎于电影《肖申克的救赎》(Shawshank Redemption)中那个挖地道的安迪?杜弗莱斯(Andy Dufresne)和电影《两小无猜》(The Wonder Years)中的凯文?阿诺德(Kevin Arnold)之间，让人一见就喜欢。
我们俩的友情在第一个学期不断升温，我也在春天加入了他所在的兄弟会。第二年，我们成了室友，友情愈加深厚。凯文在1990年毕业，去西部的创新艺人经纪公司(Creative Artists Agency)工作，他对娱乐圈充满激情，这是他追寻梦想的第一步。
他在传播学院上课而我在学习商科课程时，我们俩曾经谈过有朝一日一起办公司。20年后，这个愿望真的成真了。 I walked on to the Syracuse University campus knowing nobody, but excited for a fresh start. There were a few familiar faces from Great Neck but no one I would consider a friend. That changed the opening day of school when I attended my first class.
Sociology 101 was held in Maxwell Auditorium in a fishbowl-style classroom. I was on a work-study program and made a commitment to myself that I was going to take my schooling seriously.
As I sat in my first college class, my eyes drifted toward the shaggy-haired kid with a Zeta Psi hat sitting in front of me. He was drawing a picture-perfect Tasmanian Devil.
'That has to be traced,' I said as we gathered our books.'Nope, it's freehand,' he said with a smile. 'I'm Kevin Wassong, sophomore. Damned glad to meet you.'
We walked out of the building and continued to talk as I watched him exchange pleasantries with other students. He had a way about him, an infectious energy somewhere between Andy Dufresne in 'The Shawshank Redemption' and Kevin Arnold from 'The Wonder Years.' He was instantly likable.
Our friendship grew that semester and I pledged his fraternity in the spring. The following year, we lived together and continued to build our bond. When he graduated in 1990, Kevin headed west to work at Creative Artists Agency. His passion was entertainment and he set out in search of his dream.
While he was in the Newhouse School of Communication and I studied business, we used talk about going into business together one day. Twenty years later, we would do just that.
七、打工生活 我在雪城大学溜达前行，但一直没有确定今后的职业发展方向。我喜欢会计学，但觉得金融学更刺激。我提醒自己，如果想赚钱的话，就得站得收款机近一点。我知道，最大的收款机在华尔街，但我不是名门望族子弟，也没有机会跟那些家族扯上什么关系。
我当时是个不错的学生，在学习上很努力，但也没错过丰富多彩的大学生活。我很好强，可能是因为我想证明自己，于是把学习当作一种挑战，并不可自拔地享受成功所带来的快感。
在榜单上名列前茅的感觉很爽，所以我一直保持着好成绩。大一时，我在学习之余做侍应生来勤工俭学，暑假时报了一个调酒学习班，后来去几家酒吧干过，最后在一家比较热门的酒吧Harry's得到一份看门保安的工作。我不想在雪城凛冽的寒风中在户外打工，这是一个打进那地方的好机会，所以我就毫不犹豫地接受了。在今后的职业生涯中，我一直保持着这种风格。
有一天晚上，上正式班的酒保请病假，于是老板让我来顶替。在老板的注视下，我“大展身手”，收到钱柜里的酒钱比那个年纪大、经验丰富的酒保更多。就这样，我成为一名轮班倒的正式酒保，每个晚上收获甚丰后，老板对我的态度就更好。没过几个月，我就有权挑选自己想打工的时段了。
就这样，我一边在自己最喜欢的酒吧打工，一边当个好学生，享受着兄弟会的生活，干大学生应该干的各种事情。我什么都有，但希望得到更多，这是高成就者身上致命的一个缺点。 黑桃A 大三的时候，我在金融学期中考试中得了第一，把其他人远远甩在后头。我有充份的理由骄傲一下，我却研究答错了的几个地方，为自己没能尽善尽美感到可惜。
这就是我的风格──把目标定得高高的，这样的话，即使没能达到目标，也比其他人要好。这种做法并不是最健康的，但能督促我去实现更远大的目标，避免让我沉浸在成就感之中不思进取。
期中考试后，教授叫我去他的办公室。我以为他要表扬我，决定放松警惕，让自己享受一下难得的满足感，于是兴冲冲地从校园另一头跑过去。到了以后，他却百般盘问我起来。几分钟后，我意识到这是怎么一回事了。
“你觉得我作弊了？”我问道，一开始还有点发怯，但慢慢怒气就上来了。“我为这门课累得要死要活，你却在指控我作弊？”
经过一番激烈的争论，谈话慢慢回到正常的轨道上来。那个教授负责国际交流项目，那年暑假正好有几个实习机会─主要都是面向MBA学生的─他开始探我的口气，看我是不是感兴趣。
我问他去哪里实习，他举了几个例子：制造商汉诺威信托公司(Manufacturer's Hanover)、上奇广告公司(Saatchi & Saatchi)，还有摩根斯坦利公司(Morgan Stanley)。
“摩根斯坦利？”我认出了这个华尔街最赚钱机器的大名，“如果你能让我进摩根斯坦利，我很乐意暑假出国去实习。” Spring training I edged my way through Syracuse University but wasn't sure what career path to pursue. I enjoyed accounting but finance was entirely more exciting. I reminded myself that if I wanted to make money, I needed to stand near the cash register. The deepest drawers were on Wall Street, I knew, but I didn't have blue blood or any means of infusion.
I was a solid student and took my academic career seriously, despite an active commitment to collegiate hedonism. I was competitive, perhaps because I felt I had something to prove. When I began to view my course load as a contest, I excelled in kind. I was obsessed with success and the empowerment that arrived with it.
The dean's list felt good, so I kept making the grade. After waiting tables my freshman year, I took a bartending class over the summer and worked at several bars before landing a job as a bouncer at Harry's, one of the more popular hangouts. I had no interest in standing in the Syracuse chill, but it was an opportunity to get my foot in the door and I grabbed it. That, too, would be repeated throughout my career.
One night, when the regular bartender called in sick, I was asked to fill in. Under the watchful eye of the owner, I was 'high ring,' putting more money in the till than the older, more experienced pourers. I joined the rotation, and with each successful night, I was given more latitude. In a few short months, I had my choice of shifts.
There I was, bartending at my favorite pub as I excelled in school, enjoying fraternity life and doing the sorts of things college kids should be doing. I had it all yet I wanted more, the fatal flaw of a classic overachiever.
The ace of spades 黑桃A
During my junior year, I aced my finance midterm and blew the curve. Pride would have been the appropriate reaction, but I studied my few wrong answers and loathed the lack of perfection.
That was my style -- set the bar too high so that if I missed, I was still ahead of the crowd. It wasn't the healthiest approach. While it pushed me to bigger and better things, it never allowed me to feel a complete sense of accomplishment.
After that midterm, the professor called me to his office. I allowed myself a rare moment of satisfaction as I rushed across campus to accept some praise. When I arrived, he grilled me with questions. After a few minutes, I realized what was happening.
'You think I cheated?' I asked, humbly at first but then with increased agitation. 'I busted hump for this class and you're going to accuse me of cheating?'
Following an intense discussion, the conversation eased into a healthy dialogue. He ran the Department of International Programs Abroad and there were several internship opportunities overseas that summer -- most of which were geared to MBA's -- and he began to gauge my interest.
I asked him what was available and he listed them in kind: Manufacturer's Hanover, Saatchi & Saatchi, Morgan Stanley.
'Morgan Stanley?' I asked, recognizing the name of the biggest cash register on the street. 'If you can get me the job at Morgan, I'll gladly hop the pond for the 八、伦敦之行 当我接受摩根斯坦利的实习机会时，根本不知道这是唯一一个有实习工资的职位。对一个身在异国他乡、欠着好几万美元学费贷款的年轻人来说，这是一个好消息。1990年夏天，在大三升大四的那个假期，我收拾行李前往伦敦。 我被分配在运作控制部门(Operations Control)，负责告诉那些掌管交易的经理他们的账户存在什么问题。作为一个实习生，我在部门的地位最低；而作为操作控制部门的一员，我是公司最底层部门的最底层员工。
我上大学时练过举重，肌肉挺发达，这在酒吧打工时还算管用，但在生意圈里一点用也没有。每天我走进交易厅大门，穿过熙熙攘攘的人群时，都觉得自己异常渺小，既可怕又刺激。这种感觉对我还从未经历过。
到8月份来临时，我已经筋疲力尽，情绪灰暗，觉得自己是个傻瓜─而且完全爱上了这一行。
是的，当我回到美国时，会计学已经不在我的职业发展考虑范围。我不想埋在数字堆里，我要创造数字。 London calling
When I accepted the internship at Morgan Stanley, I had no idea it was the only paying position. That's good news for a young kid living abroad and staring at tens of thousands of dollars in college loans. I packed my bags and headed to London for the summer of 1990 between my junior and senior year.
I was placed in Operations Control and was the kid who told the producers on the trading desk there were errors in their account. As an intern, I was low man on the totem pole. Given I worked in Ops Control, I was low man on the lowest totem.
I lifted weights in college and had the muscles to prove it. That was helpful in the bar but provided little utility in business. I felt very small when I stepped on to the trading floor each day and wove my way through the verbal barrage. It was scary yet exciting, unlike anything I had ever experienced.
By the time August arrived, I was physically drained, emotionally spent, intellectually challenged -- and completely sold.
Yes, it's safe to say that by the time I returned to the states, accounting was no longer an option. I didn't want to crunch the numbers. I wanted to create them.
九、社会关系 大四本应是我一生中最幸福的时光，是我踏入社会前天真无邪的最后乐章。利用这段时间，我让自己的大学生涯更完美，并期待着毕业的那一天。
当时可谓是一切就绪──我在自己最喜欢的酒吧打工，是一个很棒的兄弟会的成员，我的大学毕业成绩也尽在掌握之中。我的一只眼睛在关注未来，而身体的其他部分却在尽情享受最后在纽约北部这所大学度过的每分每秒。
从伦敦回来的那个周末，我在女朋友的新泽西家中消遣，享受一个浪漫的夏夜。空闲之余，我偶然想到要给住在附近的婶婶打个电话。
凯伦(Karen) 是我妈妈的大学室友，也是我爸爸的表妹，是她介绍我父母认识的，所以她总是对我格外关心。跟我聊天时，她说自己有个朋友在摩根士丹利工作。
“你应该给他打个电话，”她说，“他人很不错，是我的好朋友。”
于是，我给查克.费尔德曼(Chuck Feldman)打电话，后来我才意识到，他是华尔街上的一个传奇人物。他是股票衍生工具交易的先驱，负责摩根士丹利在该领域的整体业务。他是个信奉经典学院派理论的交易员，从公司底层干起，一步步走到今天。
他的声音调子有点高，但在电话里听上去很柔和，温文尔雅是我对查克的第一印象，但这是我最后一次这么想。
他就住在附近的小镇，并邀请我过去聊聊。我们聊了半个小时，谈话很愉快。他个子不大，但给人印象深刻。
我根本不知道，那30分钟将永远改变我的职业生涯，那半小时就是一把打开收款机的金钥匙。 The relationship business
My senior year was supposed to be the best time of my life, the final episode of innocence before embarking on a career. I had the college experience perfected and looked forward to my Syracuse finale.
The stage was set -- I tended bar at my favorite spot, belonged to an awesome fraternity and my GPA was on cruise control. I had one eye on the future but my other body parts were firmly committed to squeezing every ounce of life from my remaining time in upstate New York.The weekend after I arrived home from London, I was lounging at my girlfriend's home in New Jersey, wasting away a summer day. Bored, I randomly decided to call my aunt who lived nearby.
Karen was my mother's college roommate and my father's cousin. She introduced the two of them, which would explain why she always took an active interest in my well-being. As we caught up, she told me of a friend of hers who worked at Morgan Stanley.
'You should give him a ring,' she said. 'He's a great guy and a close friend.'
I called Chuck Feldman, who I later realized was a legend on Wall Street. He pioneered the equity derivative business and ran the show at Morgan Stanley. He was the quintessential old-school trader who worked his way to the top and ruled the roost.
His high-pitched voice was extremely soft-spoken on the phone. That's the first thing I remembered about Chuck, how soft-spoken his voice was. It would be the last time I ever had that thought.
He lived in a neighboring town and invited me over. We met for a half hour and had a pleasant enough conversation. He wasn't a large man but his presence cast a long shadow.
There was no way to know that those 30 minutes would forever change my professional path. That half-hour handed me the keys to the cash register.
十、快速通道
大四第一学期结束后，我正在筹备每年一次的“古罗马长袍派对”(toga party)。这时候，电话响了。
“嘿，托德，我是查克。听着，我们交易室有个空缺，你感不感兴趣？”
电话的背景声十分嘈杂，让我惊讶于交易室的热闹程度。
“嗯，我很感兴趣。”我说道，一手拿着话筒，另一只手拿着一瓶喜力(Heineken)啤酒，“但我的课程怎么办？”
“你可以用函授方式完成。”他用一贯的高调声音回答道。
他停顿了一下，对某个人咆哮着要求下订单，他的声音一点也不柔和。
“下星期上班，想清楚就告诉我！”
我的机会来了，我心里这么想，这是千载难逢的大好机会，可以直接跳过顶级公司规定的两年培训时间，这段日子不但难熬，而且两年后还可能让你回炉去念MBA。而现在，我直接可以坐到全世界最好的交易席位上。
第二天，我整天都追着各位教授，恳求他们改变我的课程设置，让我既能去摩根士丹利开始工作，同时又能完成学业。一个接着一个，他们都同意了，我在一天之内全部搞定。当我拿起电话告诉查克自己的决定时，我女朋友正在身旁哭泣。
“我下周一早上来报到。”我用自己能控制的最自信的语气说道，希望能把内心的紧张掩盖起来。
电话那头是一片沉默。
“孩子，”他终于开口了，“你不妨毕业以后再给我打电话。”
我不知道那是什么意思。我得到这份工作了吗？我哪里做错了吗？他改变主意了吗？这些想法在我脑海里翻来覆去，最后我才意识到，他早就挂了电话。
我继续自己的大学生活，偶尔会给查克去个电话，希望他不会忘记我。每次他都很和善，但一直没有再提起让我去工作的事。虽然工作问题不确定，但我还是努力让自己享受最后的大学时光。
终于，1991年春天，在即将毕业的前几天，我接到了电话。“来吧，孩子，看看怎么安排你。”查克说道。
直到今天，我还是不知道查克第一次提出的意向是想看看我对这份工作有多大兴趣，还是出于冲动打来电话，但后来又犹豫了。然而，这些都不再重要，因为我已经进了这个圈子，加入了这场游戏。
第二天，也就是周一，我的一些朋友奔赴欧洲，我的脑袋还沉浸在前一天毕业晚会的宿醉之中，而我的双脚却踏入了曼哈顿第六大道1251号摩根斯坦利公司富丽堂皇的大堂。
我几乎可以闻到钞票的味道。 The fast track
I was preparing for our annual toga party after the first semester of my senior year when my phone rang.
'Hey Todd, it's Chuck. Listen, we have an opening on the desk and I need to know if you're interested.'
I was surprised at how noisy the trading room was in the background.
'Uh, I'm very interested,' I said, holding the phone in one hand and a Heineken in the other. 'But what about school?'
'You can finish up by mail,' he shot back in his patented pitch.
He paused to bark an order at someone. His voice was anything but soft-spoken.
'Let me know if you can start next week!'
That was my chance, I thought. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bypass the rigorous two-year training program at a top-tier firm, which would then spit me back out to get my MBA. I could sit on one of the best trading desks in the world.
I spent the next day chasing professors, pleading with them to shift my course load so I could start at Morgan and still graduate with my class. One by one, they agreed and by the next day, I was set. My girlfriend cried in the background as I picked up the phone to deliver the news to Chuck.
'I'll be there Monday morning,' I said in the most confident tone I could muster, trying to mask my nervousness.
There was silence.
'Hey kid,' he finally said. 'Why don't you finish school and call me when you're done.'
I didn't know what that meant. Was I getting the job? Did I do something wrong? Did he change his mind? All of these thoughts raced through my mind before I realized he already hung up.
I continued my senior year, occasionally sprinkling a random call to Chuck with hopes of staying on his radar. Each time he was cordial but at no point did he revisit his offer. I tried to enjoy the remainder of the college experience despite the uncertainty that lingered.
Finally, a few days before I graduated with my class in the spring of 1991, I got the wink. 'Come in kid, we'll see what we can do,' Chuck said.
To this day, I don't know if Chuck's initial offer was a test to see how badly I wanted the job, or an impetuous gesture he later second-guessed. It really didn't matter; I had my foot in the door and head in the game.
The following Monday, as my friends left for Europe and I nursed a wicked post-graduation hangover, I paced the pristine lobby at 1251 Avenue of the Americas.
I could almost smell the money. 十一、 我记得自己去摩根斯坦利纽约公司衍生工具交易室上班的第一天。那时候的我，身高1米95，体重98公斤，裤兜里揣着全科A的成绩单，但还是吓得几乎走不动道儿。
那里是我的梦想之地：和那些华尔街的大腕们摩肩接踵，在一支精英队伍中占据一席之地。阿玛尼(Armani)西装，翼形前片式皮鞋、鼓鼓囊囊的钱包──我记得当时在想，有朝一日我也会变成那样。不管付出什么代价，做出什么牺牲，我都要呆在这个职业生涯的天堂之中。
但我的宏伟蓝图有一个小小的瑕疵：我对这个行业根本一无所知。我被安排到交易席位中间的一个小格子里，在男性荷尔蒙过剩的人海中，我就像一只受惊的可怜虫。他们给我一台电脑，两部电话，几页岗位说明书，告诉我要接听发出闪亮信号的电话，传递讯息和市场情况。这倒简单，我想，小菜一碟。
在连接交易所、券商和全球交易机构的几百条通讯线路中，有一条线路的电话开始闪亮红灯，我接起电话。
“238/275，500手！”
什么？
我坐在那里，看着电话信号灯发出的沉静绿光，不知道自己刚刚听到的是不是人话。我看看四周，想找个人来帮我来翻译一下，但每个人的两只耳朵上都各挂着一个电话。于是，过了几秒钟，我挂上电话，觉得天旋地转。
“是谁他妈的接了美国证交所(Amex)的电话？”
一个高亢锐利的声音彷佛一把尖刀一样横穿交易室的上空，每个人都停下手头的工作。我勉强咽下一口唾沫，坐在椅子上的身体偷偷往下滑。查克.费尔德曼(Chuck Feldman)，摩根斯坦利的交易主管，正在电话里对美国证交所的一个办事员咆哮，骂他是个骗子，并威胁要开除他全家人。
谢天谢地，我接电话的时候一个字也没说，谢天谢地，没人知道接电话的是个新来的穿着蹩脚西装的年轻人。 Let the games begin
I remember my first day on the derivative desk at Morgan Stanley's New York office. There I was -- 6'1', 215 lbs of muscle, straight A's in my back pocket ... and so scared I could hardly move.
It was precisely where I wanted to be, rubbing elbows with the heavy hitters and holding my own in the big leagues. Armani suits, wingtip shoes, fat pockets -- I remember thinking that one day, that would be me. At whatever the cost and no matter the sacrifice, that was professional nirvana.
There was one small flaw in my master plan; I was utterly and absolutely clueless.
I was placed at a turret in the middle of the trading desk, a nervous dingy in a sea of testosterone. They gave me a computer, two phones, a few pages of positions and told me to pick up blinking lights to relay messages and markets. Easy enough, I thought. Piece of cake.
The red light, one of hundreds of lines to various exchanges, brokers and offices around the world, began to blink. I picked it up.
'Twoandthreeeights, threequarters, fivehundredup!'
Huh?
I sat there staring at the green, silent light wondering if the person was speaking English. I looked around to see if someone could help me translate but everyone had a phone on each ear. So I hung up and seconds later, the earth shook.
'Who the f*** took a market from the Amex?'
The words sliced through the room in a high-pitched voice and everyone stopped what they were doing. I swallowed hard and slid down in my chair as Chuck Feldman, a top Morgan Stanley trader, screamed at the clerk on the Amex, calling him a liar and threatening to fire everyone in his family.
Thank god, I never said a word when I picked up the phone. Thank god, nobody knew it was the new kid in the cheap suit. 十二、明星交易员 摩根斯坦利的交易室是一个巨型迷宫，占据曼哈顿第六大道1251号的整整一层。股票衍生工具交易组坐落在中间靠后窗的位置，被上市股票交易组、场外交易组、可转债和国际交易部门颇具战略意图地包围起来。如果说摩根斯坦利血液里流淌着的是证券交易，那么期权交易就是这个巨人的心跳。我们交易组似乎是每天各种各样热力的中心。
我注意到场外交易席位上有个交易员比其他人更吵闹，他咆哮着说出指令，每个人都跟着他转。他是公司的明星交易员，当他大笑时，气氛就会欢快起来，当他愤怒时，每个人都噤若寒蝉。
戴维.斯莱恩(David Slaine)是摩根斯坦利场外(OTC)交易的负责人。有时候他的客户要做交易，他会走到期权交易组来，谈好价格。我刚上班的某一天，戴维正好站到我椅子后头谈一笔交易，我回头看了一眼，他俯视着我，做了自我介绍。
“看来你经常锻炼，”他用浓重的波士顿口音说，“闭市后跟我们一起去健身房吧。”
太棒了！我没办法传递交易指令，几乎不懂周围的人在说什么，根本不知道美国经济刚刚从严重的衰退中复苏，而下一轮资产泡沫的种子正在种下。但我会举重，就算什么也不懂，但我知道怎么练举重。
那天下午，我和戴维，还有期权席位上的一个交易员汤米?加尔顿(Tommy Carden)一起去附近一家健身房锻炼。他们俩关系很好，是在一条战壕里长期作战建立起来的深厚友谊。他们都是斗士，每天都要打一场艰苦的战役，肩并肩，背靠背，你帮我，我帮你。
这让我想起自己在大学加入兄弟会的情景，经过一个学期的磨炼，我终于能够宣誓入会，这种感觉外人是很难理解的。 The alpha trader
The Morgan Stanley trading room was a massive labyrinth that occupied the entire floor of 1251 Avenue of the Americas. The equity derivative desk was nestled against the far, center window with the listed stock desk, over-the-counter trading, convertibles and an international department strategically situated around it. If trading was the bloodline of Morgan Stanley, options were the heartbeat and the fervor of each day's flow seemed to center on our desk. I noticed one of the traders on the over-the-counter desk made more noise than the rest of them. He barked orders and everyone followed his lead. He was the alpha trader. When he laughed, the mood lightened; when he yelled, everyone tensed up. David Slaine ran OTC trading for Morgan Stanley. When one of his customers had business to do, he walked over to the option desk to set the price. During one of my first days, David was standing behind my chair haggling over an order. When I turned my head to catch a glance, he looked down and introduced himself.
'You look like you work out,' he said in a thick Boston accent. 'You should come to the gym with us after the close.'
Bingo. I couldn't relay an order to save my life. I didn't understand most of what was being said around me. I had no idea the U.S. economy just emerged from a deep recession and the seeds of a bubble were being planted. But I knew how to lift weights. If nothing else, I knew how to lift weights. That afternoon, I joined David along with Tommy Carden, a trader on the option desk, for a workout near our midtown digs. There was camaraderie between them, a bond forged by long days in the trenches. They were warriors that waged a vicious battle each day, side by side, one for all and all for one.
It reminded me of my pledge class after a semester of hell, a feeling few folks understood from the outside looking in. It was a fraternity I wanted to join. 十三、更大的动力 一切都发生得很快：我在家人和朋友的簇拥下，以优等成绩毕业；在一家人人都知道我的名字酒吧打工；得到一份梦寐以求的工作，在全世界最有名的一家金融机构工作。
而毕业一个星期后，我搬到祖父母公寓的一个小房间里，天刚擦亮就起床，工作的时候吓得都不敢站起来去上厕所。我不得不再次融入一个陌生的全新世界，我下定决心，虽然自己缺乏工作经验，但要用百倍的努力来弥补。
不幸的是，虽然经过四年的勤奋学习，并有沉重的助学贷款债务证明这一段经历，但我缺乏投资方面的从业知识。我问一位教授，要当一名期权交易员，应该怎么做准备更好。他让我去看《华尔街日报》，学习Black-Scholes期权定价模型。这两个办法都没太大的效果。
我被交易大厅的速度和强度压得喘不过气来。我试图掩盖自己的无知，每天低着头干活，除非别人跟我说话，否则不主动交谈。后来我才知道，那些按常规途径一步步干到交易员的同事觉得我很高傲。很多人在后台部门工作，埋头从事操作控制工作，等好多年才能获得当交易员的机会；而我却对其中的激烈竞争毫不知情，对人们的敌意和忿怒一无所知。
这个圈子就像一个唯我独尊的兄弟会，而我必须自己努力才能赢得他人的尊重，才有资格在胸口别上摩根士丹利的司徽。我不断拓展自己，接听更多电话，传递更大交易量的指令。我越努力，犯的错误就越多，而对自己能力的怀疑逐步转变为自信的彻底丧失。
我似乎难以抓住当交易员的诀窍所在，但努力去做一些能创造价值的事情，其他人没有时间去做的事情，我来做。 More steam It was all happening so fast. I graduated magna cum laude while surrounded by family and friends, worked in a bar where everyone new my name and landed a coveted job at one of the world's most prestigious financial institutions. One week later, I lived in the den of my grandparents' apartment, got up at the crack of dawn and worked in a place where I was so intimidated that I didn't get up to go to the bathroom. I had to earn my stripes all over again in a strange, new world. What I lacked in experience, I was determined to make up with effort and energy. Unfortunately, despite four years of rigorous studies and the debt to prove it, I didn't have a practical working knowledge of the business. When I asked one of my professors how to better prepare for life as an options trader, he told me to read the Wall Street Journal and study Black-Scholes models. Neither did much good. I was overwhelmed by the speed and intensity on the trading floor. I attempted to mask my ignorance by keeping my head down and not speaking unless spoken to. I later learned that other traders, many of whom took the traditional path, thought I was cocky. Still others worked in the back office, toiling in operations control, waiting years for their shot to grasp the brass ring. I was oblivious to the competition, animosity and resentment. There was an exclusive fraternity and it was up to me to gain respect and earn the right to wear Morgan Stanley across my chest. I extended myself, picking up more phones and relaying bigger orders. The harder I tried, the more mistakes I made and self-doubt morphed into a complete lack of confidence. I couldn't seem to grasp the business but committed myself to doing whatever it took to lend value to the operation. I was going to do whatever others didn't have the time to do. 十四、接受考验 经历了一个市场剧烈动荡的忙乱早市后，我提出给杰克?斯奇巴(Jack Skiba)去买午餐，他是排名在查克后面的二把手。我半开玩笑地对他说，我配沙拉的水平可不咋的，同时仔细观察他的反应。他嘟囔了几句我听不懂的话，然后准备掏钱。
“我来好了。”我一边说，一边慢吞吞地去掏自己的钱包。“得了！”他回答道，明显看出我缺乏诚意。
我大概花了20分钟搞沙拉，番茄和洋葱整整齐齐地排好队伍，烤鸡肉优雅地堆在盘子中间，然后在上面仔细地淋上沙拉酱。这简直是件杰作，我迫不及待地想展示一下。
我把沙拉放在杰克的桌子上，然后坐在他旁边的椅子上，假装忙别的事，而他懒洋洋地看了我的杰作一眼。吃完几小时后，他转过身来，对我说：“小子，沙拉弄得不错。”
这是我在摩根斯坦利取得的第一次胜利，就像乌云密布的天空中透过一道阳光。我突然明白一个道理，华尔街讲的就是关系。斯莱恩，汤米，还有杰克－－进展是缓慢，却是稳步的，我得到了越来越多的认同。
现在，我需要在业务上有所表现。 Getting tossed
During a hectic morning with wild market swings, I offered to grab lunch for Jack Skiba, the second-in-command behind Chuck. I told him with a hint of humor that I made a mean salad, watching closely for a response. He grumbled something I couldn't understand before reaching for his wallet.
'I got it.' I said, slowly reaching towards my pocket. 'Stop it!' he responded, seeing through my empty gesture. I must have spent 20 minutes making that salad. The tomatoes and onions were perfectly aligned. Grilled chicken danced across the center. A drizzle of dressing tied a bow around the top. It was a masterpiece and I was ready to present it.
I dropped it off on Jack's desk and took my seat next to him, pretending to focus as he passively glanced at my work of art. A few hours later, long after he finished eating, he turned to me and said, 'Nice salad, kid.'
It was my first victory at Morgan Stanley, a ray of light in my otherwise dark days. I realized at that moment that Wall Street was a relationship business. Slaino, Tommy and then Jackson -- slowly but surely, I was gaining sponsorship.
Now, all I needed to do was produce. 十五、这就是命
每天早上，我是头两三个到公司的人，也是衍生交易席位来得最早的人。我的职责是详细记录查克的交易头寸，然后把相反的操作两两勾掉。
慢慢地，我学到一些东西。“买进/出售”(buy-write)就是买入股票同时卖出股票的看涨期权，而买入看涨期权同时卖出看空股票叫“合成看跌期权”(synthetic put)，买进某股票并购入以这只股票为指定证券的卖出期权叫“掩护性卖权”(married put)。
回过头来看，这一幕似乎有点可笑。每天早上，在全世界最大的衍生工具交易席位上，居然由一个懵懵懂懂的年轻人用丁字形流水帐来计算首席交易员的风险敞口。更具讽刺意味的是，虽然现代风险管理的提法越来越时髦，但没有起到什么作用，衍生工具这个庞然大物最后是被自己的重量压垮的。
一天早上，我在忙碌每天的这些杂事，突然一部电话上的红灯闪了。这条线路不归我管，这是摩根斯坦利与吉姆.克拉默之间的直线。多年后，他是华尔街最炙手可热的人物之一，但在当时，他只是一个客户而已。
我看了一下钟，早上6点。这时，红灯不再闪烁，我也不用管这事儿了。突然，红灯又开始闪烁，而且一刻也不停。
“你好。”
电话那头传来急促的说话声，似乎没有意识到现在外头天还没亮。
“嘿，你那里怎么回事？！？”
“我叫托德，”我说，“大家还没上班。”
“你新来的？”他问，语气和善，但声音急促，“我们还没见过，我叫克拉默。你有什么看法？国际市场怎么样？你怎么看？嗯…说话呀？”
我看看电梯那边，没有交易员上来。我咽了一口唾沫，决定实话实说。“昨天有些聪明的买家，他们看多股市。”
“那你怎么看？”他又问，这次的语气有点不那么友好。我不假思索地回答：“嗯，我也看多。”
“我也是！！！”他嚷道。我终于给出他想听的答案。“我要买入，今天一定涨，今天一定涨！”
对方挂断了，而我拿着话筒久久没有放下来。我永远忘不了开市时自己那种紧张的心情，因为这场赌博我也参与了，不是资金，而是声誉。
我祖父鲁比(Ruby)很早以前就教过我一个道理：你唯一拥有的是自己的名字和给出的承诺。现在，这两者都面临着风险。经过一天的来回震荡，股市在收盘时大幅上扬，创下了新高。
我对这个行当更加着迷了。 As fate would have it
While I was the second or third person on the trading floor each morning, I was the first person on the derivative desk. It was my responsibility to 'write up' Chuck's positions and 'pair them off' against each another. Slowly, I was learning. Long stock and short call options were a 'buy-write.' Long calls and short stock were a 'synthetic put.' Long put and long stock were a 'married put'
With the benefit of hindsight, it seems silly that the world's largest derivative desk had a clueless kid writing up the head trader's risk profile in T-accounts each morning. It's all the more ironic that despite fancy, modern-day risk management, the derivative machination would eventually implode under its own weight.
One morning while laboring through my daily ritual, a single red blinking light sprung to life. I wasn't supposed to pick up the Cramer wire -- a direct line connecting Morgan Stanley to Jim Cramer. Years later, he would evolve into one of the most visible people on Wall Street. But at the time, he was just another customer.
I looked at the clock; it was 6 a.m. The blinking stopped. I was off the hook. And then it began again, and it didn't stop. 'Hello'?
The frenetic voice on the other end of the line didn't seem to notice that it was still dark outside.
'Heeeeeeey, what's going on?!?'
'This is Todd,' I said, 'Nobody's here yet.' 'You new?' he asked, friendly enough but in a quickened pace, 'We haven't met yet, I'm Cramer. Whaddya think here? What's going on overseas? Do you like 'em? So...Whaddya think?'
I looked toward the elevator banks but there weren't any traders around. I swallowed hard and offered an honest take. 'I saw better buyers on the desk yesterday. The smarter accounts were getting long for a trade.' 'So, do you like 'em?' he again asked, this time in a slightly less friendly tone. I didn't miss a beat. 'Yeah, I like 'em'
'I like 'em too!!!' he shot back. Evidently, I had given him the answer he wanted to hear. 'I gotta hop. They're gonna rip 'em today. Rip 'em!'
The line went dead while the receiver was still nestled against my ear. I'll never forget the tension I felt as the markets opened. I had skin in the game -- not money, but my reputation.
One of the first things my grandfather Ruby taught me was that all you have is your name and your word. Both were on the line. After meandering on both sides of the flat line, the markets rallied hard into the close and finished on their highs.
I was hooked. 十六、奖金日 上班八个月后，度假季节悄然而至，此时也是摩根斯坦利发奖金的日子。据说其他交易员都拿到了六位数或七位数的奖金，我紧张地等待自己的消息。等大家都离开后，杰克把我叫进后台部门的办公室。我在公司的起薪是2.8万美元，华尔街从业人员的薪酬主要来自于奖金，所以我对低起薪并不是太在意。
“你得再努把力。”他对我说，我的脸色慢慢变得苍白起来，“如果你明年还想在这儿干，就得想办法给公司多赚钱。”
我点头同意。我知道他说得对，但内心偷偷地期望他们会分我一杯羹。我很快发现，天下没有免费的午餐。华尔街因高薪水而“臭名昭著”，但在我之后的职业生涯中，从来没有一年能让我觉得自己的收入足以弥补自己付出的心血和汗水。
在接下来的一年里，我竭尽全力工作以保住饭碗。我期望有一天能再进入那间办公室，并揣着大把的钞票走出大门。我还是每天第一个来，最后一个走。我研读期权定价的各种书籍，虔诚地阅读《华尔街日报》。我开始和交易员们交流，趁他们稍微空闲一点的时候，抓紧时间请教问题。
我得到了一生中绝无仅有的机会，而时间是不会等人的。随着时间的推移，我越来越自信，向销售团队传递市场信息以及记录交易的能力都有所增长。
“通用汽车，10月到期，40美元，看涨期权，125/150，500手！”
“IBM，1月到期，20美元，看跌期权，250/275，250手！”
我不属于交易团队，但已经融入了交易现场。我知道，入司培训很快就要结束了。 Bonus baby
Holiday season approached after I had been there eight months and it was bonus time at Morgan Stanley. As other traders received word on their multiple six- or seven-figure bonuses, I nervously awaited my turn. When nobody was left on the desk, Jack called me into the back offices.
When I started, I was given a base salary of $28,000. Wall Street professionals earn the bulk of their compensation through bonuses, so I wasn't all that worried. 'You need to step it up,' he told me as the color drained from my face. 'If you want to be around next year, you have to find a way to contribute to the bottom line.' I nodded my head in agreement. I knew he was right but somewhere deep within me, I secretly hoped they would throw me a bone. I quickly discovered nothing would come for free. Wall Street was notorious for fat payouts, but there wouldn't be one year throughout the rest of my career when I felt I was paid enough for the blood, sweat and tears left behind.
I committed myself to earn my keep the next 12 months. I wanted to be in that room again and walk out with the big bucks. I continued to be the first person to arrive each day and the last to leave. I studied books on option pricing. I read the Wall Street Journal religiously. I established a dialogue with traders on the desk, waiting for lulls in their day to lob an occasional question.
I had the shot of a lifetime and the clock was ticking. I grew more comfortable in my ability to relay markets to the sales force and take reports. 'General Motors October 40 calls. 1 1/4- 1/2, 500 up!'
'International Business January 20 puts, 2 1/2- 3/4, 250 up!'
I hadn't made the team but I was clearly on the field. I knew, however, that spring training would soon come to an end. 十七、交易失败 查克甩给交易员哈瑞.西尔弗(Harry Silver)一个零碎卖单，1000股Pet Industries公司的股票。哈瑞把它转给我，“去把它卖掉。”他悄声说，确保没人能够听见。这是我在华尔街上的第一笔买卖，所以不想只按别人的开价成交，我要当交易员，要以高于市场的价格卖出这些股票。
我拿起电话，清了清嗓子。“Pet Industries，股票代码P-E-T，卖出500股，价格3/4。”
这时候，Pet Industries的股价突然下跌。整个世界好像都停止了，只有那红色的代码在不停闪烁，我脑门子上的汗一下子全出来了。我一股也没有卖出去，而那只股票已经跌了整整一美元。几小时后，查克对哈瑞喊：“Pet卖出去没有？”哈瑞看到我脸上露出的恐怖表情，就知道出问题了。“告诉他卖出去了，我来搞定。”哈瑞对我说。
每一秒钟，摩根斯坦利衍生交易席位上都有成百上千万美元的敞口，1,000股Pet股票简直就是大象腿上的一根毛。把它留着没有关系，也没人会知道。然而，对我来说，这是职业生涯中最重要的一刻。
祖父的忠告在我耳边回荡。我是犯了错误，但不能就此撒谎，一错再错。“没有，”我小心翼翼地说，“没卖出去。”哈瑞闭上了眼睛。
“真他妈的见鬼！杰克，把这小子开除！”查克一下子把手中的笔扔掉，踢开自己的椅子，摇着头，怒气冲冲地离开交易席位。
闭市后，汤米问我怎么回事。“我没能把股票卖掉，哈瑞让我告诉查克卖掉了，但我不想说谎。”
这是一个大错误，我永远不会忘记的一个教训。在战场上时，绝对不能放弃那个掩护你侧翼的人，而我犯了一个根本性的错误，恩将仇报，简直就是中山狼。
有两年时间，哈瑞一句话也没跟我说。 Pet fiasco 交易失败
When Chuck tossed an odd-lot, 1,000-share order of Pet Industries on the desk of Harry Silver, a trader on the desk, he passed it to me. 'Go sell this,' he said quietly so nobody could hear. It was my first order on Wall Street and I wasn't going to just hit a bid. I played trader and offered the shares higher than the market.
I picked up the phone and cleared my voice. 'Pet Industries, ticker P-E-T. Offer 500 shares at 3/4.'
The stock immediately began to drop. The entire world stopped with the exception of the red, flickering symbol as sweat began to form on my brow. I never sold a share and the stock was down a dollar. A few hours later, Chuck screamed to Harry 'Did I sell my Pet?' Harry knew I hadn't as soon as he saw the look of pure horror on my face. 'Just tell him you sold it. I'll take care of it.'
The Morgan Stanley derivative desk had hundreds of millions of dollars in exposure at any given time. The 1,000 shares of Pet was a pimple on an elephant's posterior. It didn't matter and nobody would have known. For me, it was the single biggest moment of my professional life. My grandfather's advice rang loudly in my ear. I dropped the ball but I wasn't about to lie. 'No,' I said carefully. 'I didn't sell it.' Harry closed his eyes.
'What the f***! Jack, fire the f***ing kid!' Chuck threw down his pen, kicked his chair from under him and stormed off the desk shaking his head.
After the close, Tommy asked me what happened. 'I didn't sell it. Harry told me to tell Chuck that I did but I don't lie.'
That was a mistake, and it was a lesson I would never forget. When you're in a war, you never give up the man watching your flank. I committed the cardinal sin, biting one of the only hands that tried to feed me.
It would be two years before Harry said another word to me. 十八、草地上的朋友 那年夏季的一天，我去中央公园玩，碰到一个朋友。她坐在一群人当中，绝大多数我都不认识。她让我也一起加入，于是我坐在草地上，向众人介绍我自己。
其中有个人叫杰弗.伯科维兹(Jeff Berkowitz)，是克拉默所在的对冲基金的分析师。我们很快熟悉起来，不是因为他在哪儿上班，而是因为我们很谈得来，彼此有许多共同话题，从股市、体育运动到女人。我们都是扬基棒球队(Yankee)的死忠，能一起欣赏很多比赛，喝很多啤酒。
我们整天都保持沟通，分享信息，交换见解。他是个睿智的家伙，从一个截然不同的角度观察市场，与我习惯的方式有很大区别。我开始学习和吸收新的专业技能。
杰弗是个出色的基本面分析师，对上市公司的资产负债表进行细致深入的研究，判断公司的发展前景；而我更倾向于技术派分析，研究股票走势图和历史价格。我开始关注市场的结构性问题，影响大类资产价格走向的潜在动力，逐渐理解市场心理学，后者是左右金融资产定价的力量之一。
我开始把这四个方面作为指导自己工作的准则。当我充分研究了一笔交易的这四个方面后，获利的几率会大大增加。这种思考方式贯穿着我的职业生涯，直到后来政府调整了相关规定和资本市场结构。
***
如果让我用一个词来概括1992年，那就是“挣扎”。
我没能如自己所愿更快地学习到更多的东西，但毕竟在这里还有一席之地，总算是一件幸事。
摩根斯坦利根据四个指标来考核员工：个人业绩、团队业绩、部门业绩以及公司整体业绩。任何一项低于平均水平，都会不可避免地对个人薪酬造成影响。
1989年到1991年的经济衰退正离我们远去，交易员们的情绪颇为乐观。这个地方就像印钞机一样，我所在的部门赚得盆满钵满。我的个人发展取得长足进步，专业水平不断提升，与客户联系密切。等假日季节再次来临时，我走入后台部门的办公室，步伐充满信心。
等我的还是部门二把手杰克?斯奇巴(Jack Skiba)，他看上去有点不自在。
“知道吗，”他开始说话，“华尔街并不适合所有人，你是个好小伙儿，讨人喜欢，但也许并不适合这个行业。”他停了一下，小心翼翼地斟词酌句，“你得想一想－－好好地想一想－－这真的是你想追求的事业吗？如果是，那就展现出自己的才华来，而且得快点让我们看到。”
我试图掩饰自己的失望，希望看上去不动声色。
“我不会让你失望的。”我眼睛直视着他，说道，“我属于这个地方，不会让你失望的－－也不会让自己失望。”
我停顿一下，看杰克要说什么，但他一言不发，于是我又开口，这次带着更多的感情色彩。
“我向你保证。”
他冲我点了点头，示意我可以出去了，也证实了我之前了解到的消息。在摩根斯坦利，这个全球最成功的投资机构之一，我连续第二年的年薪只有区区2.8万美元。 The great lawn
While spending a day Central Park that summer, I ran into a friend who was sitting with a group of people, most of whom I didn't recognize. She asked me to join them so I sat down on the grass and introduced myself to her friends.
One of them was Jeff Berkowitz, who was an analyst at Cramer's hedge fund. Jeff and I quickly connected, not because of where he worked but because of who he was. We related to each other on a variety of topics, from the markets to sports to women. We were both die-hard Yankee fans and would enjoy many games and many beers.
We spoke throughout the trading day, sharing information and swapping insights. He was a sharp guy who looked at the markets through an entirely different lens. It was a different approach than what I practiced and I began to absorb a new skill set.
Jeff was a brilliant fundamental analyst, breaking down the balance sheets and business prospects of a company. I leaned towards technical analysis and studied chart patterns and historical price data. I studied structural influences; the underlying dynamics that moved asset classes as a whole. And I became in tune with market psychology, the perception that dictated reality when pricing financial assets.
I began to assimilate those four metrics as legs under the trading table. When they were sturdy, the odds of profitability skewed heavily in my favor. It was an approach that defined my career until the government changed the rules of engagement and altered the capital market construct.
If I were to pick a word that characterized 1992, it would be survival.
I didn't scale the learning curve as quickly as I would have liked, but I had a seat and that had to mean something.
At Morgan Stanley , we were measured by four criteria: personal performance, department performance, division performance and overall firm performance. If any of those elements were sub-par, it would invariably trickle down.
With the recession of 1989-1991 fading in the rear-view, the mood on our desk was optimistic. The place was a printing press and our department had a monster year. I made considerable progress, forged professional inroads and networked with customers. By the time the holiday season arrived, I had pep in my step as I walked into the back office.
Jack Skiba, the second-in-command, was again waiting for me. He had a pained look on his face.
'You know,' he began, 'Wall Street isn't for everyone. You're a good kid and people like you, but this may not be the business for you.' He paused, choosing his words carefully. 'You need to think -- really think -- if this is something you want to pursue. If it is, you've got to show us something and it has to be soon.' I tried to mask my disappointment while at the same time, appear stoic.
'I'm not going to let you down.' I said, never losing eye contact. 'This is where I belong. I'm not going to let you down -- I'm not going to let myself down.' I paused, expecting Jack to say something, but he didn't. I again spoke, this time with more emotion. 'I give you my word.'
He nodded to me and gestured towards the door, confirming what I already knew. For the second straight year, my total annualized compensation at one of the world's most successful trading operations was a grand total of $28,000.
十九、走上正轨 如果1991年是给人端沙拉的一年，1992年是觉醒的一年，那么1993年则是我找到工作节奏的一年。除了记录交易和传递指令，我还自己操作销售代表传来的客户交易指令。
整个过程很简单。客户想要买卖证券时，我会找到交易对手执行指令，并向客户销售代表发出“完成”的讯息，由他来通知客户。这叫做代理交易。
如果市场无法以合理的价格提供流动性，摩根斯坦利会介入进来作为交易对手，这一般被成为“便利客户”交易(customer facilitation)。
我们的衍生工具投资组合由公司履行“便利客户”交易职能后产生的累积风险头寸构成。风险敞口被分为几个“帐簿”，并按行业进行分类。杰克负责工业、医药和航空业，汤米•加尔顿(Tommy Carden)和马克•努伯格(Mark Neuberger)负责IT行业，还有约10个交易员负责其他板块。
金融和生物科技这两个行业没有专门的交易员负责，摩根斯坦利在这方面没有头寸，我负责答复指令流程，并以代理交易的形式为客户执行指令。
1993年过去了几个月，有一天下午，交易席位上有一笔指令“踏空”了，即市场没有给出我们原先与客户沟通达成的目标交易价格，我提醒汤米这个情况，他让我“给客户安排做市”。
我告诉自己的场内经纪人，让他安排做市交易，并听着他敲击键盘输入指令的声音。我拿到成交确认后，销售代表马上告诉客户，交易已经完成。
汤米让我盯着这个头寸，也就是说，这是我在摩根斯坦利的第一笔交易。即使单子再不起眼，这也是我迈出的第一步。最后我把头寸交易出去，并赚到了钱；于是汤米给我开绿灯，让我继续做另一笔交易，结果又赚到了钱。
这些交易的风险并不大，50手和100手而已。股票期权的倍数是100，相当于5,000和10,000股股票，但我还是以严格的纪律进行交易操作。慢慢地，我为公司带来的利润不断增长。
1993年告一段落后，我又和杰克坐在后台部门的办公室中，这次他脸上露出了笑容，并对我说，我的年薪涨到了7.5万美元。
当时我24岁，根本不知道该怎么花这么一大笔钱。 Settling down and settling in
If 1991 was the year of the salad and 1992 was a wake-up, then 1993 was the year I found my rhythm. In addition to taking reports and relaying markets, I traded orders given to our desk by the sales force on behalf of our clients.
The process was simple. If a customer wanted to buy or sell something, I executed the order with the counter-party and relayed the 'fill' to the sales person who, in turn, gave a report to the client. That was called agency business. If the marketplace didn't provide liquidity at the right price, Morgan Stanley would step in and take the other side of the trade. That was called customer facilitation.
Our derivative portfolio was comprised of the aggregate positions managed as a function of customer facilitation. The risk profile was broken down into several 'books' and separated by industry. Jack traded the industrials, drugs and airlines. Tommy Carden and Mark Neuberger traded technology. Various other traders, about 10 in total, covered other sectors.
Two groups that weren't covered on the desk were financials and biotechnology. We didn't have positions in those names and I fielded the order flow and executed them on an agency basis.
One afternoon, several months into 1993, the floor 'fell down' on an order. They didn't stand up to the market that was originally communicated and reflected to the customer. I alerted Tommy and he told me to 'put the customer up.'
I told my broker on the floor to take the other side of the trade and listened as he slapped it on the tape. Once I got the report, our salesman told the customer he was done.
Tommy told me to watch the position, which effectively meant that I had my first -- albeit meager -- trading position at Morgan Stanley. When I traded out of it for a profit, he gave me the green light to facilitate another order. That, too, was traded for a profit. It wasn't a lot of risk -- 50 and 100 lot orders which, given options have a multiplier of 100, are equal to 5,000 or 10,000 shares of stock -- but I traded them with discipline. As the year progressed, the cumulative profits I generated for the firm grew in kind. When 1993 came to a close, I again sat with Jack in the back room. This time he had a smile on his face as he told me my total compensation rose to $75,000. At 24 years old, it was more money than I knew what to do with.
二十、不断成长 虽然还有很多东西要学，但我在交易室站稳了脚跟。即使不能像许多交易员那样创造那么高的价值，但我还是不断对公司的利润作出贡献。
负责场外交易业务的戴维•斯莱恩(David Slaine)像我的大哥一样，杰克是父亲一样的角色，汤米像母鸡一样护着我，其他团队成员也逐渐和我热络起来，有时候我在星期一早上讲几个笑话，会引起他们一阵哄堂大笑。
我在衍生工具部门期间，有过几次重要的人事变动。首席交易员查克•费尔德曼(Chuck Feldman)在我来公司三年后退休，把权杖交给了一位更加年轻、更侧重定量分析的风险管理经理。
我已正式成为摩根斯坦利的一名交易员，与其他交易员相比，我的薪酬水平不值一提，但也许正是出于这个原因，我还觉得比较有安全感。
就薪水和我为公司创造的利润而言，我算是交易员中性价比最高的一个。
新的管理层上任后，我的业绩持续提升，而且随着时间的推移，经验的不断增长，我做业务的水平也越来越高。每天都是充满活力的全新一天，就像一幅不停变化的智力拼图，最终的目标就是给公司赚更多的钱。
当客户想交易我负责的某个“名字”，指令就直接传递到我的交易席位上，我不再需要向杰克或汤米请示，而是由自己来决定交易头寸。自治权是你在华尔街是否得到认可的最终体现，一旦业务上能够自主，那么财富就离你不远了。
1994年末，发奖金的时候又到了，管理层把我叫进办公室，通知我本年的年薪是15万美元。
我请同事大喝了一顿。 Changes in latitude, changes in attitude While there was much to learn, I secured my spot on the desk. I didn't produce the numbers other traders had but I consistently contributed to the bottom line.
David Slaine, who ran the over-the-counter desk, was my big brother, Jack my father figure and Tommy took me under his wing. The rest of the department warmed up and seemingly enjoyed the occasional stories I shared on Monday mornings.
There were several regime changes during my time in the derivative department. Chuck Feldman, the top trader there, retired after my third year and handed the leadership baton to a younger, more quantitative risk manager. I was officially part of the starting rotation. My compensation paled in comparison with other traders and perhaps that's why I felt somewhat secure.
In terms of bang for the buck, I was the best deal on the desk.
With new management in place, my performance gained steam and with time and experience, I produced in a more meaningful manner. Every day was dynamic and different, like an ever-changing jigsaw puzzle that fit together to form a bottom line.
When a customer wanted to trade one of my 'names,' the order was dropped directly on my desk. I no longer had to check with Jack or Tommy; I had discretion to determine what I wanted to position. Autonomy is the ultimate sign of respect on Wall Street and once that arrived, the money wasn't far behind.
At the end of 1994 when bonus time arrived, management pulled me in back and informed me my total compensation was $150,000.
Drinks were on me. | 
