編者按：《華爾街瘋人日記》(Memoirs of a Minyan)是財經信息網站Minyanville.com創始人托德.哈里森(Todd Harrison)的回憶錄。Harrison講述了他從摩根士丹利交易員到對沖基金合伙人再到網絡媒體人的職業生涯，冷眼剖析了華爾街對金錢的錯誤崇拜。 一、
當時正是世紀之交，變化即將到來。
當對千年蟲的恐懼席捲大街小巷，股市把憂慮擋在牆外時，華爾街正為新發現的財富和非理性繁榮而頭腦發熱。
對於交易員而言，這是段激動人心的時光，財富就像會飛的魔毯一樣神奇地扶搖直上。如果你不是也在手舞足蹈，你就是沒趕上趟。從出租司機到家庭主婦，每個人都如同穿上舞鞋般停不下舞動的腳步。
在我這行里，我已經是個老手。我在摩根士丹利(Morgan Stanley)打磨了七年後，開始為一家規模達數十億美元的紐約對沖基金管理衍生品投資組合。
當我30歲時，有人說我已經在這個到處都是前輩的世界中取得了一定的成就。但還有許多可以做的事，還有更多的錢可以賺。這也是我激勵自己做出下一手漂亮交易的自私原因。
我認識吉姆.克拉默 (Jim Cramer，譯者註：是Cramer Berkowitz & Co.創辦人，現為有線財經頻道CNBC節目Mad Money主持人)和傑夫?伯科威茨 (Jeff Berkowitz，譯者註：是Cramer Berkowitz & Co.的合伙人) 有好多年了。我在摩根士丹利工作時曾跟蹤過他們的對沖基金。不論在人品還是在專業能力上，我都很尊敬他們兩個人。隨着時間的推移，我們逐漸建立起一 互利共生的關係。
我們交換意見、分享見解，交易價值數十億美元的股票，我們走的是獨立而又相似的路。這是一個探索發現的時期，而且──當時我們還渾然不知的是──是永遠改變了我們的生活的關係的開始。
1999年臨近結束時，我們的生活重合的部分越來越多。我準備邁出職業生涯中的下一步，而Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金準備將其交易部門改造為強大的合法收入來源，而不再只是執行命令的平台。
他們已經擁有知識資本，也有證明這一資本的業績。我們的聯手將把我們提升到新的高度，使我們這個基金成為不可小覷的一支力量。
當我們這段關係進一步發展的過程可謂天衣無縫；我將作為合伙人加入公司，管理全部交易業務。我要求在人事決策、委託投資方向和風險管理系統上擁有完全自主權。我的每項要求都得到了滿足。
當我們在Gramercy餐館(Gramercy Tavern)開瓶慶祝時，這筆交易以擁抱和握手圓滿敲定。我將親手打造公司的交易業務，在華爾街上為別人打了10年工後，我終於擁有了一份屬於自己的事業。我向Galleon集團遞上一封辭呈，搭上我能打到的第一輛出租車前往離華爾街幾條街的富爾頓(Fulton)街40號。
我當時是如饑似渴而又謙恭、興奮而又緊張、滿腔熱情而又從容不迫。
公司已有的交易員已經為幹了許多年，他們所做的就是按克拉默、伯科威茨和研究主管馬特?雅各布斯(Matt Jacobs)的指令行事。我的理念與他們有些不同。我認為交易過程可以使僅靠研究人員算出來的利潤增值。
我擔任了交易部門的領導，並開始靜靜地觀察哪些人可以成為今後三年我事業上的左膀右臂。
但我很快就認識到，我在Cramer Berkowitz的時光絕不會是那種太平無事、普普通通的工作。
這正是我喜歡的。 It was the turn of the century and change was afoot. As Y2K fears swept the street and the stock market scaled the wall of worry, Wall Street was flush with newfound wealth and irrational exuberance. It was an exciting time to be a trader as money magically meandered overhead like some sort of magic carpet ride. If you weren't cutting a rug, you were missing out. And everyone, from taxi drivers to stay-at-home moms, was wearing dancing shoes. I was already a veteran of my chosen profession, having honed my skills at Morgan Stanley for seven years before managing the derivative portfolio at a multibillion-dollar New York hedge fund. At 30 years old, some said I achieved a level of accomplishment in a world filled with grizzly old timers. But there was plenty to do and more to make, a self-serving motivation that drove me to the next best trade. I knew Jim Cramer and Jeff Berkowitz for many years, having covered their hedge fund while climbing the corporate ladder at Morgan Stanley. I respected them both, as people and professionals, and we established a mutually symbiotic relationship over time. We swapped ideas, shared insights and traded billions of dollars worth of stock, blazing separate, yet similar paths. It was a period of discovery, and -- unbeknownst to us at the time -- it was the genesis of a relationship that forever changed our lives. As 1999 drew to a close, our circles began to overlap with increased frequency. I was ready to take the next step in my career, and Cramer Berkowitz was ready to transform their trading desk from an execution platform to a legitimate revenue generator. They already had the intellectual capital in house and the performance to prove it. Our imminent marriage would lift us to the next level and establish our fund as a force to be reckoned with. The courtship was seamless as we took the necessary steps to consummate the relationship; I would join the firm as a partner and run the entire trading operation. I asked for full autonomy on staffing decisions, commission direction and risk management systems. Each and every request was granted. As we uncorked several bottles at Gramercy Tavern, the deal was struck with hugs and handshakes. The trading operation would be mine to mold, and after 10 years on the street, I finally had an operation on which to put my fingerprints. I tendered my resignation at The Galleon Group and took the first cab I could find to 40 Fulton Street. I was hungry yet humble, excited yet nervous, enthusiastic yet measured. The existing traders had been with Cramer Berkowitz for years, executing the vision and vibes of Jim, Jeff and research director Matt Jacobs. I was schooled a bit differently. I believed the trading process could be additive and accretive to profits derived solely from the research functionality. I assumed my position at the head of the desk and committed myself to observe quietly the people who would become my professional family for the next three years. But as I would quickly learn, my role at Cramer Berkowitz would be far from quiet and anything but normal. Just the way I like it.
二、過程就是收穫 我並非一直想成為交易員。實際上，我能找到通往華爾街的路並生存下來實在是個小小的奇蹟。
我為是否該講出這個故事而掙扎，因為我不知道是否有人對我的人生經歷感興趣。但當我穿越腦海中的迷霧曲折前行時，我決心拿起筆來，細數我一路走來的歷程。
如果這樣做不是為了你，也是為了我自己，只不過是用倍數更高的放大鏡來觀察我們生活的這個及時行樂、過度消費的社會。有人可能會說，我屈服於對金錢的錯誤崇拜，可能我的確如此。我習慣於認為，成功是用業績來衡量的，而銀行賬戶就是證明。
你在這篇連載中讀到的每件事都是真實的，均為我親眼所見。我是以不帶道德評判，適當謙遜的態度來分享它的。洛烏?曼海姆(Lou Mannheim)曾在電影《華爾街》中說過：人類看向深淵，而那裡卻無人回望。就在那一刻，人類發現了自己的本性。正是這讓他遠離深淵。
我曾凝望過自己職業生涯中的幾個黑洞，每次都會煥發新的熱情，產生更大的決心。將障礙轉化為機會的能力是生命中隱藏最深的秘密之一，而最偉大的智慧是在痛苦中孕育而生的。
就像任何旅程一樣，我們所選擇的道路比目的地更重要。我個人的成長道路包括憑藉職場晉升出人頭地，追逐成功中的陷阱。一旦到達心中的目的地，我就意識到財富價值和自我價值是完全不同的原動力。
這和我兒時被灌輸的信仰截然不同，而它促成了我職業和精神上的重生。在生活中，就像在金融市場中一樣，宏大的圖景是由許多小圖塊拼成的。
要想充分理解我身處何方，必須首先了解我是如何走到今天的。 The journey is the reward
I didn't always want to be a trader. In fact, it's a small miracle I found my way to Wall Street and beyond.
I struggled whether to share this story because I didn't know if anyone would be interested in my lot in life. As I weaved my way through the many mazes in my mind, I decided to put pen to paper and recount my steps. If not for you, for me, but with a larger lens on the immediate-gratification, conspicuously consumptive society in which we live. Some might say I bowed to the false idolatry of money, and perhaps I did. I was conditioned to believe that success was measured by a bottom line, and validation could be found in a bank account. Everything you'll read in this series is true, as seen through my eyes. I share it without vice or virtue, and with all due humility. Lou Mannheim said in the movie "Wall Street": "Man looks in the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss."
I've stared into a few black holes during my career and emerged each time with newfound passion and incremental resolve. The ability to turn obstacles into opportunities is one of life's best-kept secrets, and the greatest wisdom is bred as a function of pain. As with any journey, the path we take is more important than the destination. My particular route included climbing the corporate ladder and chasing the trappings of success. Once I got to where I thought I wanted to be, I realized net worth and self-worth were entirely different dynamics. That was distinctly different from what I was programmed to believe as a child, and it facilitated a professional and spiritual rebirthing. In life, as with the markets, the big picture is made of many smaller pictures. To fully appreciate where I was, we must first understand how I got there.
三、麵包店男孩 我三歲時，父母就離婚了。回過頭看，他們的婚姻從一開始就註定要失敗，那是在政治極其動盪的年代中，越戰促成的倉促結合。
我們從新澤西搬到長島大頸(Great Neck)，住在一所俯瞰公園的小公寓裡。我和哥哥共用一個房間，我們適應了沒有父親的生活。媽媽在曼哈頓找到了一份工作，她的收入讓我們得以享受殷實的中產階級生活。
我們住在一個富裕的小鎮上，但我們並沒有住在最富有的社區。在大頸這個地方，孩子們彼此之間是靠鞋和襯衫上的商標來分三六九等的。這就是我對財富的第一印象：雖然有些錢，但對它的欲望似乎永遠無法滿足。
當我去住在鎮子上富人區的朋友家做客時，我感嘆於大片的草坪和昂貴的汽車。我問媽媽，為什麼我們生活得那麼簡樸，當時完全沒有意識到，對於一個帶着兩個兒子的單身母親而言回答這個問題是多麼痛苦。她的回答總是千篇一律：如果你想要更多的錢，就去找份工作。
這是她給過我的最好的建議。
13歲時，我開始在當地的一家麵包店打工。周六早上5點我就要起床，準備迎接蜂擁而至的顧客。他們中的很多人是我立志要仿效的對象。
我永遠也忘不了那個櫃檯的象徵意義。當人們遞錢過來交換商品和服務時，櫃檯就是一個有錢人和窮人的分界線。當時我並不知道，我將經歷收銀台內外兩側的人生。 Bagel boy
My parents divorced when I was three years old. Looking back, their marriage was doomed from the start, a fast-tracked union facilitated by the Vietnam War during a time of extreme geopolitical uncertainty. We moved from New Jersey to Great Neck, Long Island, and lived in a small apartment overlooking a park. My brother and I shared a room and adapted to life without a father. Our mom took a job in Manhattan, and her income allowed us to enjoy a solid middle-class existence. Yet we managed to live in an affluent town. Great Neck was a place where children measured each other by the logo on their shoes and labels on their shirts. That was my first taste of money, having some, but seemingly never having enough. When I visited friends on the wealthier side of town, I marveled at the sprawling lawns and fancy cars. I asked my mother why we lived with such modest means, unaware of how painful it must have been for a single parent with two young boys to field such questions. Her response was always the same: "If you want more money, get a job." It was the single best piece of advice she ever gave me. At the age of 13, I began working at the local bagel shop. I awoke at 5 a.m. on Saturdays to prepare for the mad rush of customers, many of whom were the families I aspired to emulate. I never forgot the symbolism of that counter, a divide representing the chasm between the "haves" and "have nots" as money changed hands for goods and services. Little did I know that I would experience life on both sides of that cash register. 四、長大成人 我的父親搬到了加利福尼亞，我們的來往僅限於不太經常的交談和在暑假見上幾面。我曾經在生日時盯着電話等待它響起，期望可以假裝一切如常，哪怕有一絲父愛的暗示也好。然而，就連這點願望也很少得到滿足。
我用許多方式表達自己的不滿。我變胖了，變得愛打架了，誰擋我的道我就要把他揍跑。我是那種希望搞出點什麼事來證明自己，並用行動吸引別人注意的孩子。
對於如何管束我的進攻性性格，我母親很有遠見，她引導我去參加體育運動，通過正面途徑發泄我的精力。我在運動方面脫潁而出，並認為自己最終征服了心中的魔鬼。不過，我真是大錯特錯。
高中是個醜惡的地方，尤其是在長島這個用財富衡量人的地方。由於被父親拋棄，我的自尊心變得脆弱，但我依然辛勤勞動。我干着幾份工作，這遵照了母親的建議──如果我想過得更好，就得為之努力工作。
我的祖父魯比(Ruby)是我最好的朋友，但這彌補不了父親在我心中留下的巨大空缺。我開始和父親交流，想了解他為何離開，我在其中起了什麼作用。我決心弄明白這個男人到底是怎樣的人，並在高二開始時搬到了加州伍德蘭德崗(Woodland Hills)。
我父親的心情陰晴不定。和他每次交流都不知道結果會是什麼──這一刻我們還在一起打棒球，試着追回失去的時光，而下一刻，我卻要躡手躡腳地在家裡走路，因為他正在氣頭上，我可不想讓他聽見我的聲音。我以為他是個情緒化的人，但數年以後，才發現更令人頭痛的事就要發生，而且是他無法控制的事。 Coming of age
My father moved to California and our interaction was limited to infrequent visits and occasional summers. I used to stare at the phone on my birthday waiting for it to ring, looking for a semblance of normalcy or an inkling of paternal acceptance. It rarely, if ever, did. My dissatisfaction manifested in many ways. I gained weight, got into fights and lashed out at whoever got in my way. I was the child who looked for validation at the bottom of a milkshake and acted out to get attention.
My mother had the foresight to harness my aggression and guide me towards sports as a positive outlet. I excelled as an athlete and thought I finally arrived and conquered my demons. How wrong I was.
High school is a vicious place, particularly in Long Island, where you're measured by possession. My self-esteem was fragile as a function of my father's abandonment but I continued on a productive path. I held several jobs, following the advice of my mother that if I wanted to get ahead, I had to work for it.
My grandfather Ruby was my best friend but the void left in my father's wake was powerful. I began to communicate with him to understand why he left and how I played a role in it. I decided to find out what the man was all about and moved to Woodland Hills, Calif., at the beginning of my junior year of high school.
My father's energy vacillated from one day to the next. Every encounter was random -- one moment we were tossing a baseball, trying to recapture lost time and the next, I tiptoed through the house because he was so angry, I didn't want him to hear me. I thought he was moody, but would find out years later that something entirely more disturbing was afoot, something beyond his control.
五、新汽車，老問題 他的工作是後期製作主管，看上去這行很適合他。一天晚上，他開着一輛鮮艷的紅色法拉利停在我們的車道上，宣布他升職了。我永遠也忘不了他有多愛那部車。他給它清洗、打蠟、不厭其煩地誇耀它，彷佛這部車子就是他成功的標誌。我到華爾街之後，多次目睹了這類浮誇炫耀之事。
我也買了輛車，是一輛紅色的日產200SX，因為我渴望向他看齊。我父親在貸款協議上簽名擔保，但說好由我負擔月供。我靠着幾份工作勉強還貸度日。母親的建議時常出現在我腦海中：如果你想要錢，就去找份工作。
我想念參加體育運動的時光，但如果放棄它能換來汽車，我情願做出犧牲。加利福尼亞和紐約有許多不同，如果你沒有車的話，就會在社交上處於不利地位。總之，車在這裡是個必備品。
一天晚上，父親走進我的房間，說他被解僱了，賣掉了那輛法拉利。他告訴我，他需要開我的車去參加面試，但我仍然得繳月供。他說，如果我不願意這麼做，我可以搬回大頸。我同意幫忙，希望幫他回到正軌上來。
1987年高中畢業後，我回到了東海岸，在時代廣場找了份快餐廚師的工作。我看着那些衣着體面的專業人士買單後趕回去工作──儘管我們幾乎沒有什麼目光接觸。當時我正準備到紐約上州上大學迎接全新的開始，真是很難抑制自己的興奮心情。
我唯一的目標是站在收銀台的另一側。 New car, old troubles He worked as a post-production executive and seemingly found his calling. One evening, he pulled into our driveway in a flashy red Ferrari and announced he got a promotion. I'll never forget how much he loved that car. He washed, waxed and incessantly detailed it as if it, alone, was symbolic of his success. I would witness that stretch for status many times over once I arrived on Wall Street.
I also bought a car, a red Nissan 200SX, as I was anxious to emulate him. My father co-signed the loan with the understanding that I would be responsible for the monthly payments. I worked several jobs to make ends meet. My mother's advice played often in my head: 'If you want money, get a job.'
I missed playing sports but was willing to make the sacrifice if it meant having wheels. California was a lot different from New York and if you didn't have a car, you were socially disadvantaged. It simply wasn't an option.
One night, my father walked into my room and said he was fired from his job and sold the Ferrari. He told me he needed my car to go on interviews but I still had to make the payments. If I didn't like it, he said, I could move back to Great Neck. I agreed to help, hoping to help him get back on track.
When I graduated high school in 1987, I returned to the East Coast and worked as a short-order cook in Times Square. I watched the well-dressed professionals as they paid their way and rushed to work -- rarely, if ever, making eye contact. As I readied for a fresh start in upstate New York, it was hard to contain my excitement.
My lone goal was to be on the other side of the cash register.
六、新生活 走在美國雪城大學(Syracuse University)的校園，我在這裡舉目無親，但為自己即將開始新的生活興奮不已。這裡有幾個來自紐約長島大頸(Great Neck)的
熟臉，但沒一個稱得上朋友。但這一切在開學第一天，我走進課堂後就都改變了。
《社會學入門》在麥克斯威爾禮堂(Maxwell Auditorium)上大課。我是通過勤工儉學項目來上的大學，我暗下決心，一定要好好努力。
我在大學的第一堂課上坐下來，眼睛不由自主地被前排一個男孩吸引過去。他頭髮亂蓬蓬的，戴着一頂Zeta Psi兄弟會的帽子，正在畫一張惟妙惟肖的袋獾圖畫。
“這是描出來的吧。”在收書的時候，我對他說。
“不，是徒手畫出來的。”他笑着說，“我叫凱文?沃森(Kevin Wassong)，大二的，見到你真他媽的高興。”
下課後，我們倆一邊說話，一邊走出講堂。他不時和走過身邊的學生打招呼。這是一個與眾不同的傢伙，頗有一種獨特的感染力，介乎於電影《肖申克的救贖》(Shawshank Redemption)中那個挖地道的安迪?杜弗萊斯(Andy Dufresne)和電影《兩小無猜》(The Wonder Years)中的凱文?阿諾德(Kevin Arnold)之間，讓人一見就喜歡。
我們倆的友情在第一個學期不斷升溫，我也在春天加入了他所在的兄弟會。第二年，我們成了室友，友情愈加深厚。凱文在1990年畢業，去西部的創新藝人經紀公司(Creative Artists Agency)工作，他對娛樂圈充滿激情，這是他追尋夢想的第一步。
他在傳播學院上課而我在學習商科課程時，我們倆曾經談過有朝一日一起辦公司。20年後，這個願望真的成真了。 I walked on to the Syracuse University campus knowing nobody, but excited for a fresh start. There were a few familiar faces from Great Neck but no one I would consider a friend. That changed the opening day of school when I attended my first class.
Sociology 101 was held in Maxwell Auditorium in a fishbowl-style classroom. I was on a work-study program and made a commitment to myself that I was going to take my schooling seriously.
As I sat in my first college class, my eyes drifted toward the shaggy-haired kid with a Zeta Psi hat sitting in front of me. He was drawing a picture-perfect Tasmanian Devil.
'That has to be traced,' I said as we gathered our books.'Nope, it's freehand,' he said with a smile. 'I'm Kevin Wassong, sophomore. Damned glad to meet you.'
We walked out of the building and continued to talk as I watched him exchange pleasantries with other students. He had a way about him, an infectious energy somewhere between Andy Dufresne in 'The Shawshank Redemption' and Kevin Arnold from 'The Wonder Years.' He was instantly likable.
Our friendship grew that semester and I pledged his fraternity in the spring. The following year, we lived together and continued to build our bond. When he graduated in 1990, Kevin headed west to work at Creative Artists Agency. His passion was entertainment and he set out in search of his dream.
While he was in the Newhouse School of Communication and I studied business, we used talk about going into business together one day. Twenty years later, we would do just that.
七、打工生活 我在雪城大學溜達前行，但一直沒有確定今後的職業發展方向。我喜歡會計學，但覺得金融學更刺激。我提醒自己，如果想賺錢的話，就得站得收款機近一點。我知道，最大的收款機在華爾街，但我不是名門望族子弟，也沒有機會跟那些家族扯上什麼關係。
我當時是個不錯的學生，在學習上很努力，但也沒錯過豐富多彩的大學生活。我很好強，可能是因為我想證明自己，於是把學習當作一種挑戰，並不可自拔地享受成功所帶來的快感。
在榜單上名列前茅的感覺很爽，所以我一直保持着好成績。大一時，我在學習之餘做侍應生來勤工儉學，暑假時報了一個調酒學習班，後來去幾家酒吧幹過，最後在一家比較熱門的酒吧Harry's得到一份看門保安的工作。我不想在雪城凜冽的寒風中在戶外打工，這是一個打進那地方的好機會，所以我就毫不猶豫地接受了。在今後的職業生涯中，我一直保持着這種風格。
有一天晚上，上正式班的酒保請病假，於是老闆讓我來頂替。在老闆的注視下，我“大展身手”，收到錢櫃裡的酒錢比那個年紀大、經驗豐富的酒保更多。就這樣，我成為一名輪班倒的正式酒保，每個晚上收穫甚豐後，老闆對我的態度就更好。沒過幾個月，我就有權挑選自己想打工的時段了。
就這樣，我一邊在自己最喜歡的酒吧打工，一邊當個好學生，享受着兄弟會的生活，干大學生應該干的各種事情。我什麼都有，但希望得到更多，這是高成就者身上致命的一個缺點。 黑桃A 大三的時候，我在金融學期中考試中得了第一，把其他人遠遠甩在後頭。我有充份的理由驕傲一下，我卻研究答錯了的幾個地方，為自己沒能盡善盡美感到可惜。
這就是我的風格──把目標定得高高的，這樣的話，即使沒能達到目標，也比其他人要好。這種做法並不是最健康的，但能督促我去實現更遠大的目標，避免讓我沉浸在成就感之中不思進取。
期中考試後，教授叫我去他的辦公室。我以為他要表揚我，決定放鬆警惕，讓自己享受一下難得的滿足感，於是興沖沖地從校園另一頭跑過去。到了以後，他卻百般盤問我起來。幾分鐘後，我意識到這是怎麼一回事了。
“你覺得我作弊了？”我問道，一開始還有點發怯，但慢慢怒氣就上來了。“我為這門課累得要死要活，你卻在指控我作弊？”
經過一番激烈的爭論，談話慢慢回到正常的軌道上來。那個教授負責國際交流項目，那年暑假正好有幾個實習機會─主要都是面向MBA學生的─他開始探我的口氣，看我是不是感興趣。
我問他去哪裡實習，他舉了幾個例子：製造商漢諾威信託公司(Manufacturer's Hanover)、上奇廣告公司(Saatchi & Saatchi)，還有摩根斯坦利公司(Morgan Stanley)。
“摩根斯坦利？”我認出了這個華爾街最賺錢機器的大名，“如果你能讓我進摩根斯坦利，我很樂意暑假出國去實習。” Spring training I edged my way through Syracuse University but wasn't sure what career path to pursue. I enjoyed accounting but finance was entirely more exciting. I reminded myself that if I wanted to make money, I needed to stand near the cash register. The deepest drawers were on Wall Street, I knew, but I didn't have blue blood or any means of infusion.
I was a solid student and took my academic career seriously, despite an active commitment to collegiate hedonism. I was competitive, perhaps because I felt I had something to prove. When I began to view my course load as a contest, I excelled in kind. I was obsessed with success and the empowerment that arrived with it.
The dean's list felt good, so I kept making the grade. After waiting tables my freshman year, I took a bartending class over the summer and worked at several bars before landing a job as a bouncer at Harry's, one of the more popular hangouts. I had no interest in standing in the Syracuse chill, but it was an opportunity to get my foot in the door and I grabbed it. That, too, would be repeated throughout my career.
One night, when the regular bartender called in sick, I was asked to fill in. Under the watchful eye of the owner, I was 'high ring,' putting more money in the till than the older, more experienced pourers. I joined the rotation, and with each successful night, I was given more latitude. In a few short months, I had my choice of shifts.
There I was, bartending at my favorite pub as I excelled in school, enjoying fraternity life and doing the sorts of things college kids should be doing. I had it all yet I wanted more, the fatal flaw of a classic overachiever.
The ace of spades 黑桃A
During my junior year, I aced my finance midterm and blew the curve. Pride would have been the appropriate reaction, but I studied my few wrong answers and loathed the lack of perfection.
That was my style -- set the bar too high so that if I missed, I was still ahead of the crowd. It wasn't the healthiest approach. While it pushed me to bigger and better things, it never allowed me to feel a complete sense of accomplishment.
After that midterm, the professor called me to his office. I allowed myself a rare moment of satisfaction as I rushed across campus to accept some praise. When I arrived, he grilled me with questions. After a few minutes, I realized what was happening.
'You think I cheated?' I asked, humbly at first but then with increased agitation. 'I busted hump for this class and you're going to accuse me of cheating?'
Following an intense discussion, the conversation eased into a healthy dialogue. He ran the Department of International Programs Abroad and there were several internship opportunities overseas that summer -- most of which were geared to MBA's -- and he began to gauge my interest.
I asked him what was available and he listed them in kind: Manufacturer's Hanover, Saatchi & Saatchi, Morgan Stanley.
'Morgan Stanley?' I asked, recognizing the name of the biggest cash register on the street. 'If you can get me the job at Morgan, I'll gladly hop the pond for the 八、倫敦之行 當我接受摩根斯坦利的實習機會時，根本不知道這是唯一一個有實習工資的職位。對一個身在異國他鄉、欠着好幾萬美元學費貸款的年輕人來說，這是一個好消息。1990年夏天，在大三升大四的那個假期，我收拾行李前往倫敦。 我被分配在運作控制部門(Operations Control)，負責告訴那些掌管交易的經理他們的賬戶存在什麼問題。作為一個實習生，我在部門的地位最低；而作為操作控制部門的一員，我是公司最底層部門的最底層員工。
我上大學時練過舉重，肌肉挺發達，這在酒吧打工時還算管用，但在生意圈裡一點用也沒有。每天我走進交易廳大門，穿過熙熙攘攘的人群時，都覺得自己異常渺小，既可怕又刺激。這種感覺對我還從未經歷過。
到8月份來臨時，我已經筋疲力盡，情緒灰暗，覺得自己是個傻瓜─而且完全愛上了這一行。
是的，當我回到美國時，會計學已經不在我的職業發展考慮範圍。我不想埋在數字堆里，我要創造數字。 London calling
When I accepted the internship at Morgan Stanley, I had no idea it was the only paying position. That's good news for a young kid living abroad and staring at tens of thousands of dollars in college loans. I packed my bags and headed to London for the summer of 1990 between my junior and senior year.
I was placed in Operations Control and was the kid who told the producers on the trading desk there were errors in their account. As an intern, I was low man on the totem pole. Given I worked in Ops Control, I was low man on the lowest totem.
I lifted weights in college and had the muscles to prove it. That was helpful in the bar but provided little utility in business. I felt very small when I stepped on to the trading floor each day and wove my way through the verbal barrage. It was scary yet exciting, unlike anything I had ever experienced.
By the time August arrived, I was physically drained, emotionally spent, intellectually challenged -- and completely sold.
Yes, it's safe to say that by the time I returned to the states, accounting was no longer an option. I didn't want to crunch the numbers. I wanted to create them.
九、社會關係 大四本應是我一生中最幸福的時光，是我踏入社會前天真無邪的最後樂章。利用這段時間，我讓自己的大學生涯更完美，並期待着畢業的那一天。
當時可謂是一切就緒──我在自己最喜歡的酒吧打工，是一個很棒的兄弟會的成員，我的大學畢業成績也盡在掌握之中。我的一隻眼睛在關注未來，而身體的其他部分卻在盡情享受最後在紐約北部這所大學度過的每分每秒。
從倫敦回來的那個周末，我在女朋友的新澤西家中消遣，享受一個浪漫的夏夜。空閒之餘，我偶然想到要給住在附近的嬸嬸打個電話。
凱倫(Karen) 是我媽媽的大學室友，也是我爸爸的表妹，是她介紹我父母認識的，所以她總是對我格外關心。跟我聊天時，她說自己有個朋友在摩根士丹利工作。
“你應該給他打個電話，”她說，“他人很不錯，是我的好朋友。”
於是，我給查克.費爾德曼(Chuck Feldman)打電話，後來我才意識到，他是華爾街上的一個傳奇人物。他是股票衍生工具交易的先驅，負責摩根士丹利在該領域的整體業務。他是個信奉經典學院派理論的交易員，從公司底層干起，一步步走到今天。
他的聲音調子有點高，但在電話里聽上去很柔和，溫文爾雅是我對查克的第一印象，但這是我最後一次這麼想。
他就住在附近的小鎮，並邀請我過去聊聊。我們聊了半個小時，談話很愉快。他個子不大，但給人印象深刻。
我根本不知道，那30分鐘將永遠改變我的職業生涯，那半小時就是一把打開收款機的金鑰匙。 The relationship business
My senior year was supposed to be the best time of my life, the final episode of innocence before embarking on a career. I had the college experience perfected and looked forward to my Syracuse finale.
The stage was set -- I tended bar at my favorite spot, belonged to an awesome fraternity and my GPA was on cruise control. I had one eye on the future but my other body parts were firmly committed to squeezing every ounce of life from my remaining time in upstate New York.The weekend after I arrived home from London, I was lounging at my girlfriend's home in New Jersey, wasting away a summer day. Bored, I randomly decided to call my aunt who lived nearby.
Karen was my mother's college roommate and my father's cousin. She introduced the two of them, which would explain why she always took an active interest in my well-being. As we caught up, she told me of a friend of hers who worked at Morgan Stanley.
'You should give him a ring,' she said. 'He's a great guy and a close friend.'
I called Chuck Feldman, who I later realized was a legend on Wall Street. He pioneered the equity derivative business and ran the show at Morgan Stanley. He was the quintessential old-school trader who worked his way to the top and ruled the roost.
His high-pitched voice was extremely soft-spoken on the phone. That's the first thing I remembered about Chuck, how soft-spoken his voice was. It would be the last time I ever had that thought.
He lived in a neighboring town and invited me over. We met for a half hour and had a pleasant enough conversation. He wasn't a large man but his presence cast a long shadow.
There was no way to know that those 30 minutes would forever change my professional path. That half-hour handed me the keys to the cash register.
十、快速通道
大四第一學期結束後，我正在籌備每年一次的“古羅馬長袍派對”(toga party)。這時候，電話響了。
“嘿，托德，我是查克。聽着，我們交易室有個空缺，你感不感興趣？”
電話的背景聲十分嘈雜，讓我驚訝於交易室的熱鬧程度。
“嗯，我很感興趣。”我說道，一手拿着話筒，另一隻手拿着一瓶喜力(Heineken)啤酒，“但我的課程怎麼辦？”
“你可以用函授方式完成。”他用一貫的高調聲音回答道。
他停頓了一下，對某個人咆哮着要求下訂單，他的聲音一點也不柔和。
“下星期上班，想清楚就告訴我！”
我的機會來了，我心裡這麼想，這是千載難逢的大好機會，可以直接跳過頂級公司規定的兩年培訓時間，這段日子不但難熬，而且兩年後還可能讓你回爐去念MBA。而現在，我直接可以坐到全世界最好的交易席位上。
第二天，我整天都追着各位教授，懇求他們改變我的課程設置，讓我既能去摩根士丹利開始工作，同時又能完成學業。一個接着一個，他們都同意了，我在一天之內全部搞定。當我拿起電話告訴查克自己的決定時，我女朋友正在身旁哭泣。
“我下周一早上來報到。”我用自己能控制的最自信的語氣說道，希望能把內心的緊張掩蓋起來。
電話那頭是一片沉默。
“孩子，”他終於開口了，“你不妨畢業以後再給我打電話。”
我不知道那是什麼意思。我得到這份工作了嗎？我哪裡做錯了嗎？他改變主意了嗎？這些想法在我腦海里翻來覆去，最後我才意識到，他早就掛了電話。
我繼續自己的大學生活，偶爾會給查克去個電話，希望他不會忘記我。每次他都很和善，但一直沒有再提起讓我去工作的事。雖然工作問題不確定，但我還是努力讓自己享受最後的大學時光。
終於，1991年春天，在即將畢業的前幾天，我接到了電話。“來吧，孩子，看看怎麼安排你。”查克說道。
直到今天，我還是不知道查克第一次提出的意向是想看看我對這份工作有多大興趣，還是出於衝動打來電話，但後來又猶豫了。然而，這些都不再重要，因為我已經進了這個圈子，加入了這場遊戲。
第二天，也就是周一，我的一些朋友奔赴歐洲，我的腦袋還沉浸在前一天畢業晚會的宿醉之中，而我的雙腳卻踏入了曼哈頓第六大道1251號摩根斯坦利公司富麗堂皇的大堂。
我幾乎可以聞到鈔票的味道。 The fast track
I was preparing for our annual toga party after the first semester of my senior year when my phone rang.
'Hey Todd, it's Chuck. Listen, we have an opening on the desk and I need to know if you're interested.'
I was surprised at how noisy the trading room was in the background.
'Uh, I'm very interested,' I said, holding the phone in one hand and a Heineken in the other. 'But what about school?'
'You can finish up by mail,' he shot back in his patented pitch.
He paused to bark an order at someone. His voice was anything but soft-spoken.
'Let me know if you can start next week!'
That was my chance, I thought. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bypass the rigorous two-year training program at a top-tier firm, which would then spit me back out to get my MBA. I could sit on one of the best trading desks in the world.
I spent the next day chasing professors, pleading with them to shift my course load so I could start at Morgan and still graduate with my class. One by one, they agreed and by the next day, I was set. My girlfriend cried in the background as I picked up the phone to deliver the news to Chuck.
'I'll be there Monday morning,' I said in the most confident tone I could muster, trying to mask my nervousness.
There was silence.
'Hey kid,' he finally said. 'Why don't you finish school and call me when you're done.'
I didn't know what that meant. Was I getting the job? Did I do something wrong? Did he change his mind? All of these thoughts raced through my mind before I realized he already hung up.
I continued my senior year, occasionally sprinkling a random call to Chuck with hopes of staying on his radar. Each time he was cordial but at no point did he revisit his offer. I tried to enjoy the remainder of the college experience despite the uncertainty that lingered.
Finally, a few days before I graduated with my class in the spring of 1991, I got the wink. 'Come in kid, we'll see what we can do,' Chuck said.
To this day, I don't know if Chuck's initial offer was a test to see how badly I wanted the job, or an impetuous gesture he later second-guessed. It really didn't matter; I had my foot in the door and head in the game.
The following Monday, as my friends left for Europe and I nursed a wicked post-graduation hangover, I paced the pristine lobby at 1251 Avenue of the Americas.
I could almost smell the money. 十一、 我記得自己去摩根斯坦利紐約公司衍生工具交易室上班的第一天。那時候的我，身高1米95，體重98公斤，褲兜里揣着全科A的成績單，但還是嚇得幾乎走不動道兒。
那裡是我的夢想之地：和那些華爾街的大腕們摩肩接踵，在一支精英隊伍中占據一席之地。阿瑪尼(Armani)西裝，翼形前片式皮鞋、鼓鼓囊囊的錢包──我記得當時在想，有朝一日我也會變成那樣。不管付出什麼代價，做出什麼犧牲，我都要呆在這個職業生涯的天堂之中。
但我的宏偉藍圖有一個小小的瑕疵：我對這個行業根本一無所知。我被安排到交易席位中間的一個小格子裡，在男性荷爾蒙過剩的人海中，我就像一隻受驚的可憐蟲。他們給我一台電腦，兩部電話，幾頁崗位說明書，告訴我要接聽發出閃亮信號的電話，傳遞訊息和市場情況。這倒簡單，我想，小菜一碟。
在連接交易所、券商和全球交易機構的幾百條通訊線路中，有一條線路的電話開始閃亮紅燈，我接起電話。
“238/275，500手！”
什麼？
我坐在那裡，看着電話信號燈發出的沉靜綠光，不知道自己剛剛聽到的是不是人話。我看看四周，想找個人來幫我來翻譯一下，但每個人的兩隻耳朵上都各掛着一個電話。於是，過了幾秒鐘，我掛上電話，覺得天旋地轉。
“是誰他媽的接了美國證交所(Amex)的電話？”
一個高亢銳利的聲音彷佛一把尖刀一樣橫穿交易室的上空，每個人都停下手頭的工作。我勉強咽下一口唾沫，坐在椅子上的身體偷偷往下滑。查克.費爾德曼(Chuck Feldman)，摩根斯坦利的交易主管，正在電話里對美國證交所的一個辦事員咆哮，罵他是個騙子，並威脅要開除他全家人。
謝天謝地，我接電話的時候一個字也沒說，謝天謝地，沒人知道接電話的是個新來的穿着蹩腳西裝的年輕人。 Let the games begin
I remember my first day on the derivative desk at Morgan Stanley's New York office. There I was -- 6'1', 215 lbs of muscle, straight A's in my back pocket ... and so scared I could hardly move.
It was precisely where I wanted to be, rubbing elbows with the heavy hitters and holding my own in the big leagues. Armani suits, wingtip shoes, fat pockets -- I remember thinking that one day, that would be me. At whatever the cost and no matter the sacrifice, that was professional nirvana.
There was one small flaw in my master plan; I was utterly and absolutely clueless.
I was placed at a turret in the middle of the trading desk, a nervous dingy in a sea of testosterone. They gave me a computer, two phones, a few pages of positions and told me to pick up blinking lights to relay messages and markets. Easy enough, I thought. Piece of cake.
The red light, one of hundreds of lines to various exchanges, brokers and offices around the world, began to blink. I picked it up.
'Twoandthreeeights, threequarters, fivehundredup!'
Huh?
I sat there staring at the green, silent light wondering if the person was speaking English. I looked around to see if someone could help me translate but everyone had a phone on each ear. So I hung up and seconds later, the earth shook.
'Who the f*** took a market from the Amex?'
The words sliced through the room in a high-pitched voice and everyone stopped what they were doing. I swallowed hard and slid down in my chair as Chuck Feldman, a top Morgan Stanley trader, screamed at the clerk on the Amex, calling him a liar and threatening to fire everyone in his family.
Thank god, I never said a word when I picked up the phone. Thank god, nobody knew it was the new kid in the cheap suit. 十二、明星交易員 摩根斯坦利的交易室是一個巨型迷宮，占據曼哈頓第六大道1251號的整整一層。股票衍生工具交易組坐落在中間靠後窗的位置，被上市股票交易組、場外交易組、可轉債和國際交易部門頗具戰略意圖地包圍起來。如果說摩根斯坦利血液里流淌着的是證券交易，那麼期權交易就是這個巨人的心跳。我們交易組似乎是每天各種各樣熱力的中心。
我注意到場外交易席位上有個交易員比其他人更吵鬧，他咆哮着說出指令，每個人都跟着他轉。他是公司的明星交易員，當他大笑時，氣氛就會歡快起來，當他憤怒時，每個人都噤若寒蟬。
戴維.斯萊恩(David Slaine)是摩根斯坦利場外(OTC)交易的負責人。有時候他的客戶要做交易，他會走到期權交易組來，談好價格。我剛上班的某一天，戴維正好站到我椅子後頭談一筆交易，我回頭看了一眼，他俯視着我，做了自我介紹。
“看來你經常鍛煉，”他用濃重的波士頓口音說，“閉市後跟我們一起去健身房吧。”
太棒了！我沒辦法傳遞交易指令，幾乎不懂周圍的人在說什麼，根本不知道美國經濟剛剛從嚴重的衰退中復甦，而下一輪資產泡沫的種子正在種下。但我會舉重，就算什麼也不懂，但我知道怎麼練舉重。
那天下午，我和戴維，還有期權席位上的一個交易員湯米?加爾頓(Tommy Carden)一起去附近一家健身房鍛煉。他們倆關係很好，是在一條戰壕里長期作戰建立起來的深厚友誼。他們都是鬥士，每天都要打一場艱苦的戰役，肩並肩，背靠背，你幫我，我幫你。
這讓我想起自己在大學加入兄弟會的情景，經過一個學期的磨鍊，我終於能夠宣誓入會，這種感覺外人是很難理解的。 The alpha trader
The Morgan Stanley trading room was a massive labyrinth that occupied the entire floor of 1251 Avenue of the Americas. The equity derivative desk was nestled against the far, center window with the listed stock desk, over-the-counter trading, convertibles and an international department strategically situated around it. If trading was the bloodline of Morgan Stanley, options were the heartbeat and the fervor of each day's flow seemed to center on our desk. I noticed one of the traders on the over-the-counter desk made more noise than the rest of them. He barked orders and everyone followed his lead. He was the alpha trader. When he laughed, the mood lightened; when he yelled, everyone tensed up. David Slaine ran OTC trading for Morgan Stanley. When one of his customers had business to do, he walked over to the option desk to set the price. During one of my first days, David was standing behind my chair haggling over an order. When I turned my head to catch a glance, he looked down and introduced himself.
'You look like you work out,' he said in a thick Boston accent. 'You should come to the gym with us after the close.'
Bingo. I couldn't relay an order to save my life. I didn't understand most of what was being said around me. I had no idea the U.S. economy just emerged from a deep recession and the seeds of a bubble were being planted. But I knew how to lift weights. If nothing else, I knew how to lift weights. That afternoon, I joined David along with Tommy Carden, a trader on the option desk, for a workout near our midtown digs. There was camaraderie between them, a bond forged by long days in the trenches. They were warriors that waged a vicious battle each day, side by side, one for all and all for one.
It reminded me of my pledge class after a semester of hell, a feeling few folks understood from the outside looking in. It was a fraternity I wanted to join. 十三、更大的動力 一切都發生得很快：我在家人和朋友的簇擁下，以優等成績畢業；在一家人人都知道我的名字酒吧打工；得到一份夢寐以求的工作，在全世界最有名的一家金融機構工作。
而畢業一個星期後，我搬到祖父母公寓的一個小房間裡，天剛擦亮就起床，工作的時候嚇得都不敢站起來去上廁所。我不得不再次融入一個陌生的全新世界，我下定決心，雖然自己缺乏工作經驗，但要用百倍的努力來彌補。
不幸的是，雖然經過四年的勤奮學習，並有沉重的助學貸款債務證明這一段經歷，但我缺乏投資方面的從業知識。我問一位教授，要當一名期權交易員，應該怎麼做準備更好。他讓我去看《華爾街日報》，學習Black-Scholes期權定價模型。這兩個辦法都沒太大的效果。
我被交易大廳的速度和強度壓得喘不過氣來。我試圖掩蓋自己的無知，每天低着頭幹活，除非別人跟我說話，否則不主動交談。後來我才知道，那些按常規途徑一步步干到交易員的同事覺得我很高傲。很多人在後台部門工作，埋頭從事操作控制工作，等好多年才能獲得當交易員的機會；而我卻對其中的激烈競爭毫不知情，對人們的敵意和忿怒一無所知。
這個圈子就像一個唯我獨尊的兄弟會，而我必須自己努力才能贏得他人的尊重，才有資格在胸口別上摩根士丹利的司徽。我不斷拓展自己，接聽更多電話，傳遞更大交易量的指令。我越努力，犯的錯誤就越多，而對自己能力的懷疑逐步轉變為自信的徹底喪失。
我似乎難以抓住當交易員的訣竅所在，但努力去做一些能創造價值的事情，其他人沒有時間去做的事情，我來做。 More steam It was all happening so fast. I graduated magna cum laude while surrounded by family and friends, worked in a bar where everyone new my name and landed a coveted job at one of the world's most prestigious financial institutions. One week later, I lived in the den of my grandparents' apartment, got up at the crack of dawn and worked in a place where I was so intimidated that I didn't get up to go to the bathroom. I had to earn my stripes all over again in a strange, new world. What I lacked in experience, I was determined to make up with effort and energy. Unfortunately, despite four years of rigorous studies and the debt to prove it, I didn't have a practical working knowledge of the business. When I asked one of my professors how to better prepare for life as an options trader, he told me to read the Wall Street Journal and study Black-Scholes models. Neither did much good. I was overwhelmed by the speed and intensity on the trading floor. I attempted to mask my ignorance by keeping my head down and not speaking unless spoken to. I later learned that other traders, many of whom took the traditional path, thought I was cocky. Still others worked in the back office, toiling in operations control, waiting years for their shot to grasp the brass ring. I was oblivious to the competition, animosity and resentment. There was an exclusive fraternity and it was up to me to gain respect and earn the right to wear Morgan Stanley across my chest. I extended myself, picking up more phones and relaying bigger orders. The harder I tried, the more mistakes I made and self-doubt morphed into a complete lack of confidence. I couldn't seem to grasp the business but committed myself to doing whatever it took to lend value to the operation. I was going to do whatever others didn't have the time to do. 十四、接受考驗 經歷了一個市場劇烈動盪的忙亂早市後，我提出給傑克?斯奇巴(Jack Skiba)去買午餐，他是排名在查克後面的二把手。我半開玩笑地對他說，我配沙拉的水平可不咋的，同時仔細觀察他的反應。他嘟囔了幾句我聽不懂的話，然後準備掏錢。
“我來好了。”我一邊說，一邊慢吞吞地去掏自己的錢包。“得了！”他回答道，明顯看出我缺乏誠意。
我大概花了20分鐘搞沙拉，番茄和洋蔥整整齊齊地排好隊伍，烤雞肉優雅地堆在盤子中間，然後在上面仔細地淋上沙拉醬。這簡直是件傑作，我迫不及待地想展示一下。
我把沙拉放在傑克的桌子上，然後坐在他旁邊的椅子上，假裝忙別的事，而他懶洋洋地看了我的傑作一眼。吃完幾小時後，他轉過身來，對我說：“小子，沙拉弄得不錯。”
這是我在摩根斯坦利取得的第一次勝利，就像烏雲密布的天空中透過一道陽光。我突然明白一個道理，華爾街講的就是關係。斯萊恩，湯米，還有傑克－－進展是緩慢，卻是穩步的，我得到了越來越多的認同。
現在，我需要在業務上有所表現。 Getting tossed
During a hectic morning with wild market swings, I offered to grab lunch for Jack Skiba, the second-in-command behind Chuck. I told him with a hint of humor that I made a mean salad, watching closely for a response. He grumbled something I couldn't understand before reaching for his wallet.
'I got it.' I said, slowly reaching towards my pocket. 'Stop it!' he responded, seeing through my empty gesture. I must have spent 20 minutes making that salad. The tomatoes and onions were perfectly aligned. Grilled chicken danced across the center. A drizzle of dressing tied a bow around the top. It was a masterpiece and I was ready to present it.
I dropped it off on Jack's desk and took my seat next to him, pretending to focus as he passively glanced at my work of art. A few hours later, long after he finished eating, he turned to me and said, 'Nice salad, kid.'
It was my first victory at Morgan Stanley, a ray of light in my otherwise dark days. I realized at that moment that Wall Street was a relationship business. Slaino, Tommy and then Jackson -- slowly but surely, I was gaining sponsorship.
Now, all I needed to do was produce. 十五、這就是命
每天早上，我是頭兩三個到公司的人，也是衍生交易席位來得最早的人。我的職責是詳細記錄查克的交易頭寸，然後把相反的操作兩兩勾掉。
慢慢地，我學到一些東西。“買進/出售”(buy-write)就是買入股票同時賣出股票的看漲期權，而買入看漲期權同時賣出看空股票叫“合成看跌期權”(synthetic put)，買進某股票併購入以這隻股票為指定證券的賣出期權叫“掩護性賣權”(married put)。
回過頭來看，這一幕似乎有點可笑。每天早上，在全世界最大的衍生工具交易席位上，居然由一個懵懵懂懂的年輕人用丁字形流水帳來計算首席交易員的風險敞口。更具諷刺意味的是，雖然現代風險管理的提法越來越時髦，但沒有起到什麼作用，衍生工具這個龐然大物最後是被自己的重量壓垮的。
一天早上，我在忙碌每天的這些雜事，突然一部電話上的紅燈閃了。這條線路不歸我管，這是摩根斯坦利與吉姆.克拉默之間的直線。多年後，他是華爾街最炙手可熱的人物之一，但在當時，他只是一個客戶而已。
我看了一下鍾，早上6點。這時，紅燈不再閃爍，我也不用管這事兒了。突然，紅燈又開始閃爍，而且一刻也不停。
“你好。”
電話那頭傳來急促的說話聲，似乎沒有意識到現在外頭天還沒亮。
“嘿，你那裡怎麼回事？！？”
“我叫托德，”我說，“大家還沒上班。”
“你新來的？”他問，語氣和善，但聲音急促，“我們還沒見過，我叫克拉默。你有什麼看法？國際市場怎麼樣？你怎麼看？嗯…說話呀？”
我看看電梯那邊，沒有交易員上來。我咽了一口唾沫，決定實話實說。“昨天有些聰明的買家，他們看多股市。”
“那你怎麼看？”他又問，這次的語氣有點不那麼友好。我不假思索地回答：“嗯，我也看多。”
“我也是！！！”他嚷道。我終於給出他想聽的答案。“我要買入，今天一定漲，今天一定漲！”
對方掛斷了，而我拿着話筒久久沒有放下來。我永遠忘不了開市時自己那種緊張的心情，因為這場賭博我也參與了，不是資金，而是聲譽。
我祖父魯比(Ruby)很早以前就教過我一個道理：你唯一擁有的是自己的名字和給出的承諾。現在，這兩者都面臨着風險。經過一天的來回震盪，股市在收盤時大幅上揚，創下了新高。
我對這個行當更加着迷了。 As fate would have it
While I was the second or third person on the trading floor each morning, I was the first person on the derivative desk. It was my responsibility to 'write up' Chuck's positions and 'pair them off' against each another. Slowly, I was learning. Long stock and short call options were a 'buy-write.' Long calls and short stock were a 'synthetic put.' Long put and long stock were a 'married put'
With the benefit of hindsight, it seems silly that the world's largest derivative desk had a clueless kid writing up the head trader's risk profile in T-accounts each morning. It's all the more ironic that despite fancy, modern-day risk management, the derivative machination would eventually implode under its own weight.
One morning while laboring through my daily ritual, a single red blinking light sprung to life. I wasn't supposed to pick up the Cramer wire -- a direct line connecting Morgan Stanley to Jim Cramer. Years later, he would evolve into one of the most visible people on Wall Street. But at the time, he was just another customer.
I looked at the clock; it was 6 a.m. The blinking stopped. I was off the hook. And then it began again, and it didn't stop. 'Hello'?
The frenetic voice on the other end of the line didn't seem to notice that it was still dark outside.
'Heeeeeeey, what's going on?!?'
'This is Todd,' I said, 'Nobody's here yet.' 'You new?' he asked, friendly enough but in a quickened pace, 'We haven't met yet, I'm Cramer. Whaddya think here? What's going on overseas? Do you like 'em? So...Whaddya think?'
I looked toward the elevator banks but there weren't any traders around. I swallowed hard and offered an honest take. 'I saw better buyers on the desk yesterday. The smarter accounts were getting long for a trade.' 'So, do you like 'em?' he again asked, this time in a slightly less friendly tone. I didn't miss a beat. 'Yeah, I like 'em'
'I like 'em too!!!' he shot back. Evidently, I had given him the answer he wanted to hear. 'I gotta hop. They're gonna rip 'em today. Rip 'em!'
The line went dead while the receiver was still nestled against my ear. I'll never forget the tension I felt as the markets opened. I had skin in the game -- not money, but my reputation.
One of the first things my grandfather Ruby taught me was that all you have is your name and your word. Both were on the line. After meandering on both sides of the flat line, the markets rallied hard into the close and finished on their highs.
I was hooked. 十六、獎金日 上班八個月後，度假季節悄然而至，此時也是摩根斯坦利發獎金的日子。據說其他交易員都拿到了六位數或七位數的獎金，我緊張地等待自己的消息。等大家都離開後，傑克把我叫進後台部門的辦公室。我在公司的起薪是2.8萬美元，華爾街從業人員的薪酬主要來自於獎金，所以我對低起薪並不是太在意。
“你得再努把力。”他對我說，我的臉色慢慢變得蒼白起來，“如果你明年還想在這兒干，就得想辦法給公司多賺錢。”
我點頭同意。我知道他說得對，但內心偷偷地期望他們會分我一杯羹。我很快發現，天下沒有免費的午餐。華爾街因高薪水而“臭名昭著”，但在我之後的職業生涯中，從來沒有一年能讓我覺得自己的收入足以彌補自己付出的心血和汗水。
在接下來的一年裡，我竭盡全力工作以保住飯碗。我期望有一天能再進入那間辦公室，並揣着大把的鈔票走出大門。我還是每天第一個來，最後一個走。我研讀期權定價的各種書籍，虔誠地閱讀《華爾街日報》。我開始和交易員們交流，趁他們稍微空閒一點的時候，抓緊時間請教問題。
我得到了一生中絕無僅有的機會，而時間是不會等人的。隨着時間的推移，我越來越自信，向銷售團隊傳遞市場信息以及記錄交易的能力都有所增長。
“通用汽車，10月到期，40美元，看漲期權，125/150，500手！”
“IBM，1月到期，20美元，看跌期權，250/275，250手！”
我不屬於交易團隊，但已經融入了交易現場。我知道，入司培訓很快就要結束了。 Bonus baby
Holiday season approached after I had been there eight months and it was bonus time at Morgan Stanley. As other traders received word on their multiple six- or seven-figure bonuses, I nervously awaited my turn. When nobody was left on the desk, Jack called me into the back offices.
When I started, I was given a base salary of $28,000. Wall Street professionals earn the bulk of their compensation through bonuses, so I wasn't all that worried. 'You need to step it up,' he told me as the color drained from my face. 'If you want to be around next year, you have to find a way to contribute to the bottom line.' I nodded my head in agreement. I knew he was right but somewhere deep within me, I secretly hoped they would throw me a bone. I quickly discovered nothing would come for free. Wall Street was notorious for fat payouts, but there wouldn't be one year throughout the rest of my career when I felt I was paid enough for the blood, sweat and tears left behind.
I committed myself to earn my keep the next 12 months. I wanted to be in that room again and walk out with the big bucks. I continued to be the first person to arrive each day and the last to leave. I studied books on option pricing. I read the Wall Street Journal religiously. I established a dialogue with traders on the desk, waiting for lulls in their day to lob an occasional question.
I had the shot of a lifetime and the clock was ticking. I grew more comfortable in my ability to relay markets to the sales force and take reports. 'General Motors October 40 calls. 1 1/4- 1/2, 500 up!'
'International Business January 20 puts, 2 1/2- 3/4, 250 up!'
I hadn't made the team but I was clearly on the field. I knew, however, that spring training would soon come to an end. 十七、交易失敗 查克甩給交易員哈瑞.西爾弗(Harry Silver)一個零碎賣單，1000股Pet Industries公司的股票。哈瑞把它轉給我，“去把它賣掉。”他悄聲說，確保沒人能夠聽見。這是我在華爾街上的第一筆買賣，所以不想只按別人的開價成交，我要當交易員，要以高於市場的價格賣出這些股票。
我拿起電話，清了清嗓子。“Pet Industries，股票代碼P-E-T，賣出500股，價格3/4。”
這時候，Pet Industries的股價突然下跌。整個世界好像都停止了，只有那紅色的代碼在不停閃爍，我腦門子上的汗一下子全出來了。我一股也沒有賣出去，而那隻股票已經跌了整整一美元。幾小時後，查克對哈瑞喊：“Pet賣出去沒有？”哈瑞看到我臉上露出的恐怖表情，就知道出問題了。“告訴他賣出去了，我來搞定。”哈瑞對我說。
每一秒鐘，摩根斯坦利衍生交易席位上都有成百上千萬美元的敞口，1,000股Pet股票簡直就是大象腿上的一根毛。把它留着沒有關係，也沒人會知道。然而，對我來說，這是職業生涯中最重要的一刻。
祖父的忠告在我耳邊迴蕩。我是犯了錯誤，但不能就此撒謊，一錯再錯。“沒有，”我小心翼翼地說，“沒賣出去。”哈瑞閉上了眼睛。
“真他媽的見鬼！傑克，把這小子開除！”查克一下子把手中的筆扔掉，踢開自己的椅子，搖着頭，怒氣沖沖地離開交易席位。
閉市後，湯米問我怎麼回事。“我沒能把股票賣掉，哈瑞讓我告訴查克賣掉了，但我不想說謊。”
這是一個大錯誤，我永遠不會忘記的一個教訓。在戰場上時，絕對不能放棄那個掩護你側翼的人，而我犯了一個根本性的錯誤，恩將仇報，簡直就是中山狼。
有兩年時間，哈瑞一句話也沒跟我說。 Pet fiasco 交易失敗
When Chuck tossed an odd-lot, 1,000-share order of Pet Industries on the desk of Harry Silver, a trader on the desk, he passed it to me. 'Go sell this,' he said quietly so nobody could hear. It was my first order on Wall Street and I wasn't going to just hit a bid. I played trader and offered the shares higher than the market.
I picked up the phone and cleared my voice. 'Pet Industries, ticker P-E-T. Offer 500 shares at 3/4.'
The stock immediately began to drop. The entire world stopped with the exception of the red, flickering symbol as sweat began to form on my brow. I never sold a share and the stock was down a dollar. A few hours later, Chuck screamed to Harry 'Did I sell my Pet?' Harry knew I hadn't as soon as he saw the look of pure horror on my face. 'Just tell him you sold it. I'll take care of it.'
The Morgan Stanley derivative desk had hundreds of millions of dollars in exposure at any given time. The 1,000 shares of Pet was a pimple on an elephant's posterior. It didn't matter and nobody would have known. For me, it was the single biggest moment of my professional life. My grandfather's advice rang loudly in my ear. I dropped the ball but I wasn't about to lie. 'No,' I said carefully. 'I didn't sell it.' Harry closed his eyes.
'What the f***! Jack, fire the f***ing kid!' Chuck threw down his pen, kicked his chair from under him and stormed off the desk shaking his head.
After the close, Tommy asked me what happened. 'I didn't sell it. Harry told me to tell Chuck that I did but I don't lie.'
That was a mistake, and it was a lesson I would never forget. When you're in a war, you never give up the man watching your flank. I committed the cardinal sin, biting one of the only hands that tried to feed me.
It would be two years before Harry said another word to me. 十八、草地上的朋友 那年夏季的一天，我去中央公園玩，碰到一個朋友。她坐在一群人當中，絕大多數我都不認識。她讓我也一起加入，於是我坐在草地上，向眾人介紹我自己。
其中有個人叫傑弗.伯科維茲(Jeff Berkowitz)，是克拉默所在的對沖基金的分析師。我們很快熟悉起來，不是因為他在哪兒上班，而是因為我們很談得來，彼此有許多共同話題，從股市、體育運動到女人。我們都是揚基棒球隊(Yankee)的死忠，能一起欣賞很多比賽，喝很多啤酒。
我們整天都保持溝通，分享信息，交換見解。他是個睿智的傢伙，從一個截然不同的角度觀察市場，與我習慣的方式有很大區別。我開始學習和吸收新的專業技能。
傑弗是個出色的基本面分析師，對上市公司的資產負債表進行細緻深入的研究，判斷公司的發展前景；而我更傾向於技術派分析，研究股票走勢圖和歷史價格。我開始關注市場的結構性問題，影響大類資產價格走向的潛在動力，逐漸理解市場心理學，後者是左右金融資產定價的力量之一。
我開始把這四個方面作為指導自己工作的準則。當我充分研究了一筆交易的這四個方面後，獲利的幾率會大大增加。這種思考方式貫穿着我的職業生涯，直到後來政府調整了相關規定和資本市場結構。
***
如果讓我用一個詞來概括1992年，那就是“掙扎”。
我沒能如自己所願更快地學習到更多的東西，但畢竟在這裡還有一席之地，總算是一件幸事。
摩根斯坦利根據四個指標來考核員工：個人業績、團隊業績、部門業績以及公司整體業績。任何一項低於平均水平，都會不可避免地對個人薪酬造成影響。
1989年到1991年的經濟衰退正離我們遠去，交易員們的情緒頗為樂觀。這個地方就像印鈔機一樣，我所在的部門賺得盆滿缽滿。我的個人發展取得長足進步，專業水平不斷提升，與客戶聯繫密切。等假日季節再次來臨時，我走入後台部門的辦公室，步伐充滿信心。
等我的還是部門二把手傑克?斯奇巴(Jack Skiba)，他看上去有點不自在。
“知道嗎，”他開始說話，“華爾街並不適合所有人，你是個好小伙兒，討人喜歡，但也許並不適合這個行業。”他停了一下，小心翼翼地斟詞酌句，“你得想一想－－好好地想一想－－這真的是你想追求的事業嗎？如果是，那就展現出自己的才華來，而且得快點讓我們看到。”
我試圖掩飾自己的失望，希望看上去不動聲色。
“我不會讓你失望的。”我眼睛直視着他，說道，“我屬於這個地方，不會讓你失望的－－也不會讓自己失望。”
我停頓一下，看傑克要說什麼，但他一言不發，於是我又開口，這次帶着更多的感情色彩。
“我向你保證。”
他沖我點了點頭，示意我可以出去了，也證實了我之前了解到的消息。在摩根斯坦利，這個全球最成功的投資機構之一，我連續第二年的年薪只有區區2.8萬美元。 The great lawn
While spending a day Central Park that summer, I ran into a friend who was sitting with a group of people, most of whom I didn't recognize. She asked me to join them so I sat down on the grass and introduced myself to her friends.
One of them was Jeff Berkowitz, who was an analyst at Cramer's hedge fund. Jeff and I quickly connected, not because of where he worked but because of who he was. We related to each other on a variety of topics, from the markets to sports to women. We were both die-hard Yankee fans and would enjoy many games and many beers.
We spoke throughout the trading day, sharing information and swapping insights. He was a sharp guy who looked at the markets through an entirely different lens. It was a different approach than what I practiced and I began to absorb a new skill set.
Jeff was a brilliant fundamental analyst, breaking down the balance sheets and business prospects of a company. I leaned towards technical analysis and studied chart patterns and historical price data. I studied structural influences; the underlying dynamics that moved asset classes as a whole. And I became in tune with market psychology, the perception that dictated reality when pricing financial assets.
I began to assimilate those four metrics as legs under the trading table. When they were sturdy, the odds of profitability skewed heavily in my favor. It was an approach that defined my career until the government changed the rules of engagement and altered the capital market construct.
If I were to pick a word that characterized 1992, it would be survival.
I didn't scale the learning curve as quickly as I would have liked, but I had a seat and that had to mean something.
At Morgan Stanley , we were measured by four criteria: personal performance, department performance, division performance and overall firm performance. If any of those elements were sub-par, it would invariably trickle down.
With the recession of 1989-1991 fading in the rear-view, the mood on our desk was optimistic. The place was a printing press and our department had a monster year. I made considerable progress, forged professional inroads and networked with customers. By the time the holiday season arrived, I had pep in my step as I walked into the back office.
Jack Skiba, the second-in-command, was again waiting for me. He had a pained look on his face.
'You know,' he began, 'Wall Street isn't for everyone. You're a good kid and people like you, but this may not be the business for you.' He paused, choosing his words carefully. 'You need to think -- really think -- if this is something you want to pursue. If it is, you've got to show us something and it has to be soon.' I tried to mask my disappointment while at the same time, appear stoic.
'I'm not going to let you down.' I said, never losing eye contact. 'This is where I belong. I'm not going to let you down -- I'm not going to let myself down.' I paused, expecting Jack to say something, but he didn't. I again spoke, this time with more emotion. 'I give you my word.'
He nodded to me and gestured towards the door, confirming what I already knew. For the second straight year, my total annualized compensation at one of the world's most successful trading operations was a grand total of $28,000.
十九、走上正軌 如果1991年是給人端沙拉的一年，1992年是覺醒的一年，那麼1993年則是我找到工作節奏的一年。除了記錄交易和傳遞指令，我還自己操作銷售代表傳來的客戶交易指令。
整個過程很簡單。客戶想要買賣證券時，我會找到交易對手執行指令，並向客戶銷售代表發出“完成”的訊息，由他來通知客戶。這叫做代理交易。
如果市場無法以合理的價格提供流動性，摩根斯坦利會介入進來作為交易對手，這一般被成為“便利客戶”交易(customer facilitation)。
我們的衍生工具投資組合由公司履行“便利客戶”交易職能後產生的累積風險頭寸構成。風險敞口被分為幾個“帳簿”，並按行業進行分類。傑克負責工業、醫藥和航空業，湯米•加爾頓(Tommy Carden)和馬克•努伯格(Mark Neuberger)負責IT行業，還有約10個交易員負責其他板塊。
金融和生物科技這兩個行業沒有專門的交易員負責，摩根斯坦利在這方面沒有頭寸，我負責答覆指令流程，並以代理交易的形式為客戶執行指令。
1993年過去了幾個月，有一天下午，交易席位上有一筆指令“踏空”了，即市場沒有給出我們原先與客戶溝通達成的目標交易價格，我提醒湯米這個情況，他讓我“給客戶安排做市”。
我告訴自己的場內經紀人，讓他安排做市交易，並聽着他敲擊鍵盤輸入指令的聲音。我拿到成交確認後，銷售代表馬上告訴客戶，交易已經完成。
湯米讓我盯着這個頭寸，也就是說，這是我在摩根斯坦利的第一筆交易。即使單子再不起眼，這也是我邁出的第一步。最後我把頭寸交易出去，並賺到了錢；於是湯米給我開綠燈，讓我繼續做另一筆交易，結果又賺到了錢。
這些交易的風險並不大，50手和100手而已。股票期權的倍數是100，相當於5,000和10,000股股票，但我還是以嚴格的紀律進行交易操作。慢慢地，我為公司帶來的利潤不斷增長。
1993年告一段落後，我又和傑克坐在後台部門的辦公室中，這次他臉上露出了笑容，並對我說，我的年薪漲到了7.5萬美元。
當時我24歲，根本不知道該怎麼花這麼一大筆錢。 Settling down and settling in
If 1991 was the year of the salad and 1992 was a wake-up, then 1993 was the year I found my rhythm. In addition to taking reports and relaying markets, I traded orders given to our desk by the sales force on behalf of our clients.
The process was simple. If a customer wanted to buy or sell something, I executed the order with the counter-party and relayed the 'fill' to the sales person who, in turn, gave a report to the client. That was called agency business. If the marketplace didn't provide liquidity at the right price, Morgan Stanley would step in and take the other side of the trade. That was called customer facilitation.
Our derivative portfolio was comprised of the aggregate positions managed as a function of customer facilitation. The risk profile was broken down into several 'books' and separated by industry. Jack traded the industrials, drugs and airlines. Tommy Carden and Mark Neuberger traded technology. Various other traders, about 10 in total, covered other sectors.
Two groups that weren't covered on the desk were financials and biotechnology. We didn't have positions in those names and I fielded the order flow and executed them on an agency basis.
One afternoon, several months into 1993, the floor 'fell down' on an order. They didn't stand up to the market that was originally communicated and reflected to the customer. I alerted Tommy and he told me to 'put the customer up.'
I told my broker on the floor to take the other side of the trade and listened as he slapped it on the tape. Once I got the report, our salesman told the customer he was done.
Tommy told me to watch the position, which effectively meant that I had my first -- albeit meager -- trading position at Morgan Stanley. When I traded out of it for a profit, he gave me the green light to facilitate another order. That, too, was traded for a profit. It wasn't a lot of risk -- 50 and 100 lot orders which, given options have a multiplier of 100, are equal to 5,000 or 10,000 shares of stock -- but I traded them with discipline. As the year progressed, the cumulative profits I generated for the firm grew in kind. When 1993 came to a close, I again sat with Jack in the back room. This time he had a smile on his face as he told me my total compensation rose to $75,000. At 24 years old, it was more money than I knew what to do with.
二十、不斷成長 雖然還有很多東西要學，但我在交易室站穩了腳跟。即使不能像許多交易員那樣創造那麼高的價值，但我還是不斷對公司的利潤作出貢獻。
負責場外交易業務的戴維•斯萊恩(David Slaine)像我的大哥一樣，傑克是父親一樣的角色，湯米像母雞一樣護着我，其他團隊成員也逐漸和我熱絡起來，有時候我在星期一早上講幾個笑話，會引起他們一陣哄堂大笑。
我在衍生工具部門期間，有過幾次重要的人事變動。首席交易員查克•費爾德曼(Chuck Feldman)在我來公司三年後退休，把權杖交給了一位更加年輕、更側重定量分析的風險管理經理。
我已正式成為摩根斯坦利的一名交易員，與其他交易員相比，我的薪酬水平不值一提，但也許正是出於這個原因，我還覺得比較有安全感。
就薪水和我為公司創造的利潤而言，我算是交易員中性價比最高的一個。
新的管理層上任後，我的業績持續提升，而且隨着時間的推移，經驗的不斷增長，我做業務的水平也越來越高。每天都是充滿活力的全新一天，就像一幅不停變化的智力拼圖，最終的目標就是給公司賺更多的錢。
當客戶想交易我負責的某個“名字”，指令就直接傳遞到我的交易席位上，我不再需要向傑克或湯米請示，而是由自己來決定交易頭寸。自治權是你在華爾街是否得到認可的最終體現，一旦業務上能夠自主，那麼財富就離你不遠了。
1994年末，發獎金的時候又到了，管理層把我叫進辦公室，通知我本年的年薪是15萬美元。
我請同事大喝了一頓。 Changes in latitude, changes in attitude While there was much to learn, I secured my spot on the desk. I didn't produce the numbers other traders had but I consistently contributed to the bottom line.
David Slaine, who ran the over-the-counter desk, was my big brother, Jack my father figure and Tommy took me under his wing. The rest of the department warmed up and seemingly enjoyed the occasional stories I shared on Monday mornings.
There were several regime changes during my time in the derivative department. Chuck Feldman, the top trader there, retired after my third year and handed the leadership baton to a younger, more quantitative risk manager. I was officially part of the starting rotation. My compensation paled in comparison with other traders and perhaps that's why I felt somewhat secure.
In terms of bang for the buck, I was the best deal on the desk.
With new management in place, my performance gained steam and with time and experience, I produced in a more meaningful manner. Every day was dynamic and different, like an ever-changing jigsaw puzzle that fit together to form a bottom line.
When a customer wanted to trade one of my 'names,' the order was dropped directly on my desk. I no longer had to check with Jack or Tommy; I had discretion to determine what I wanted to position. Autonomy is the ultimate sign of respect on Wall Street and once that arrived, the money wasn't far behind.
At the end of 1994 when bonus time arrived, management pulled me in back and informed me my total compensation was $150,000.
Drinks were on me. | 
