1. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

2. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

3. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

7.  Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

8. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9.  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

10. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

12. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

13.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

14. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

15.  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

16. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

17. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

18. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.