I have been praying God to give me a sign if it is the right decision to send daddy back to

China. Somehow I did not get answer but feeling uneasy every time I thought about sending daddy

off to China. Like my brother said if you step back, the grass is green and beautiful, but if you stay

too close, all you see is dirt and bugs. It has been like this with me and daddy.

  Like God said, we do not have the right to judge anyone else, that is so true, yet it is so hard to not judge.

Through so many fights with daddy for the past few weeks, I found myself have nothing to be proud of as a

Christian - if it was not Jesus who went on the cross to wash off my sins, I am the worst sinner

who would throw all the bad words to daddy just to protect my sinful self. God has broken me so

thoroughly to be humble but yet did not answer my prayer, I could see all my sins yet I could not

master it. Thinking back now I know why God told me all my efforts of trying are "not in vain".

1Co 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

  And at the right moment today, as a bystander, God has opened my eyes and all I see was a poor old man,

embarassed at the accusations, lost and did not know what to do. So I talked to him calmly and

sincerely that all I wanted was him to be happy, he is more than welcome to stay if he likes, and

in the meantime I can still can have some of my private time if he could give me one week off every 2 weeks

to stay with my brother's family.

  I told him that we are all sinners and that's why when we fought with each other, we kept

disclosing the most ugly truth about the other person, and all the hurtful words I said to him

was because I felt I did not know him any more and kept thinking the worst of him especially when quarreling with him. But if God can forgive so many sinners when they repent (one testimony I heard was the guy raped and killed 21 blonde girls, and when he met the 22nd who was a Christian, God used her to talk to him into

believing in Jesus and repenting, he was arrested when reading the bible she gave him. Before his

execution God told him he was forgiven and he could go to heaven.). Dad is much better than those

people and there is no way I can not forgive and forget. Especially now I know without God's grace

and mercy I don't deserve to go to heaven either, I have no place to judge him. I also told dad

that I was upset with his nagging, I would try to surpress my anger but exploded huge later on.

Going forward I would just let him know specifically what I do not like when he nags too much on

something. We also both agreed that no matter what we argue in the future,

I won't mention things happened in the past that he already repented, and he won't mention going back to China as a threat, unless he does want to go back temporarily and is not out of anger.

  It is just as Proverbs 10:12 said, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses." Dad

agreed to live alternatively between the 2 families, till he gets a room from elders

housing. Also for the first time since he came here, I could sense he felt loved and secured, and

he is not whiny and needy any more. Turns out his whiny and needy behavior was a reflection of my own intense feeling toward him. It just took one extra step to show my love, yet it took me a

long way to see my own sins and how I could not control my own sins without love. I told dad, If

like God said the human life is just a blink compared to eternal life in heaven, why do I stay in

hatred with dad and why can't we stay together with love?!

  And it for sure totally destroys my pride for being a Christian - the only difference is the

hope for eternal life by staying alert with my sins and repent. Other than that, when I am in sin,

I am worse than a Non-Christian who is not in sin!