It was such a painful experience to watch the whole period of my mom's final hours. The next day after my mom said she saw heaven opens, the doctor told us that my mom might not have more than 3 days left since she started to have failure in her body and can't not retain oxegen, the doctor told us to think about whether we want to use breathing tube on my mom. That afternoon my brother thought my mom was all right and went to meet a friend, got a bad traffic and didn't get in till the very last minute for visiting. My mom kept asking about him. We had to leave before discussing what we want to do about the breathing tube, although both me and my sister discussed and wanted my mom to have natural death. In the evening, around 8:40pm we got a phone call from hospital telling us my mom was in danger. When we got hospital, the doctor told us my mom was choking on her mucus and couldn't breathe, they used breathing tube (without our consent over the phone or in paper since we have to sign it first) after trying to revive her just by human efforts. My mom's brain was out of oxegen for 15 minutes and was brain dead, but in China there is no concept of Euthanasia (安乐死), she has to stay like that till her heart stops beating. The doctor said it might be a few days or a few weeks before her final time, so we went home. Next morning I came to the hospital early to stay with my mom, while my brother and sister went to tell my dad what has happened (previous night we told him nothing major happened and we were required to go to hospital by the doctor). When I got to the hospital,my mom had a huge breathing tube in her mouth, where blood came out of her mouth and both her nostrils were stuffed with gauzes full of blood. Her eyes kept opening and closing and she was moving twisting her body every 5 seconds. I prayed God to help my mom relieve her pain but couldn't feel God's existence. Finally I couldn't take it, I cried loudly and ask:"Why have I misunderstood God's will so much! Why did this happen to my mom and she still have to suffer so much pain rather than die peacefully, is God punishing me because of my self pride! I don't even know if my mom is truly going to heaven or not! And I can't forgive my dad even Iknow it is a sin to not forgiving!". I pleaded God to give me a verse to strengthen me, and I got the verse below: [Jerimiah 15:11] : The LORD said, “Surely I will deliver you for a good purpose; surely I will make your enemies plead with you in times of disaster and times of distress. I did not understand back then although I know this verse was given to me. Ten minutes later I remembered for some reason I brought a christian book with me - <>, I opened it and there was the answer - it says we humans would like to interpret God's will our way, not God's truly intention. We like to develop our understanding on our own most of the time although God has given us hint every way. After the dark hours yesterday, when I do my devotions this morning, it came dawn to me why I cried so hard before flying back when I first heard my mom was in critical condition again. And then another voice came to me:"If you love someone, you have to love the good and bad about him." I realized God did give me hint what my mom will be suffering back then - I have told my sister that I could not stop crying whenever I prayed before flying back. And love someone with his good and bad is how I should treat my father - so there it is, I am accepting him again as how he is and will take him back with me. |