四十一、新的麻煩

  It would be easy to dislike Jim Cramer if he didn't have that childlike giddiness to him.  如果吉姆.克萊默的脾氣不像小孩子那樣陰晴不定，要討厭他還真是不容易。
    His warmth and generosity were treasures, and when they appeared, animosity magically dissipated into a melting pot of goodwill. I didn't understand the mood swings at first but when I finally did, it was with empathy rather than acrimony.
熱情和慷慨是他性格中的閃光點，當這些品質表現出來時，劍拔弩張的氣氛就會神奇地煙消雲散，變得其樂融融。起初我不理解他那種突兀的情緒轉變，最後摸到他脾氣之後，更多的則是理解，而不是怨恨。
    It was the middle of the trading day and we actively moved merchandise back and forth, steadily filling our coffers with profits. I can't tell you exactly where the averages were, but suffice it to say the mood on the desk was intense as the market slid down a slippery slope.    某一個交易日，我們正積極地在商業板塊殺進殺出，穩步積累利潤。我不能確切說出我們倉位的平均成本，但可以感覺到，隨着市場進入快速下跌通道，交易席位上的氣氛緊張起來。
    'Hello, can I speak to Todd Harrison please?' the voice on the other end of the phone asked.     “你好，托德.哈里森在嗎？”電話那頭有個聲音說道。
    After a brief exchange, the bomb dropped. The call was from the Maui Correctional Facility regarding my father, who managed to dig himself into a deep hole.       短暫的交談帶來一個壞消息。電話是夏威夷毛伊島監獄(Maui Correctional Facility)打來的，我爸爸惹了大麻煩。
    As I sat back in my chair and listened to a person I didn't know, I discovered my father was homeless, abusing drugs and in solitary confinement. It had been 10 years since we last spoke.    我陷在椅子裡，聽着一個陌生人說話，得知自己的父親成了流浪漢，吸毒，現在被關在監獄的單人囚室里。我已經十年沒跟父親說過話了。
    Ten years. A lot happened in my life during that time and evidently, a lot happened to him as well.
十年。很顯然，十年間我的生活發生了很多變化，他也是。
    As the head trader of a large trading operation, I was intellectually agile and able to make quick, emotionless decisions. On that random day in 2000, I was suddenly numb to the flickering ticks that surrounded me.     作為一個大型交易部門的首席交易員，我思維敏銳，能迅速做出決策，不受個人情緒的干擾。但在2000年的那一天，我突然對身邊閃爍着的市場報價視若無睹。
    Immediately sensing something was wrong, Jim motioned me to his office behind him.     吉姆立馬覺得有什麼事不對勁，示意我進他身後的辦公室。
    I walked into the glass-enclosed room and sat on the couch across from his desk. Jeff filed in behind me and asked what happened. I explained the situation, or at least what I knew of it. Jim didn't skip a beat.      我走進玻璃隔間，坐在他辦公桌對面的沙發上。傑夫跟着走進來，問我出了什麼事。我把情況說了，至少是我所了解的情況。吉姆留神聽着，立刻出了主意。
    'Go to Maui,' he said, 'Go take care of what you need to take care of.' “去毛伊島一趟，”吉姆說，“照顧好該照顧的人。”
    I'll never forget that moment. We were in a dogfight in the middle of a financial implosion and the most competitive person I knew urged me to go to Hawaii. By the time I digested what he suggested, he was already on the phone making calls on my behalf.
那個時刻我永生難忘。金融市場動盪不安，我們疲於奔命，而工作最狂熱的一個人居然催我去夏威夷。等我咂摸過味兒來，他已經在幫我打電話了。
    He contacted an investor in our fund who had connections in Hawaii. By the end of the day, I retained one of the most respected lawyers in Maui and had flights scheduled.      吉姆聯繫了一個在夏威夷有熟人的基金投資者。到下班的時候，我已經約好毛伊島最有名的一名律師，訂好了飛機票。
    All that was left was to face my father and conquer my demons. 
    現在唯一要做的就是面對父親，跟自己做鬥爭。 

四十二、The other side of the rainbow  彩虹背面
   
Not wanting to take the trip alone, I asked my brother to join. Two days later, Adam and I landed in Maui and drove straight to the lawyer's office.
我不想一個人去，於是叫上哥哥同行。兩天后，我和亞當(Adam)抵達毛伊島，直接前往律師事務所。
    We had both given up on our dad but felt compelled to do something. He was our father and we were his last line of defense. 我們倆都對父親不抱什麼指望，但還是覺得應該做點什麼。畢竟，他是我們的爸爸，我們是他最後的依靠。
    The attorney filled us in on the situation. Our father, homeless for years, panhandled on the street and wore out his welcome wherever he went. He was arrested for impersonating a police officer and once in jail, attacked one of the guards, who beat him senseless and stuffed him in solitary confinement.
律師介紹了情況。我們的父親流浪多年，在街上行乞，每到一個地方，最後都變得不受歡迎。他曾因假冒警察被捕，又在獄中襲擊一名獄警，那個獄警把他痛打了一頓，並把他關了禁閉。
    We were told our father smeared blood all over his cell in an act of defiance. It was, and remains, surreal.    我們得知，父親為表示抗議，在單人囚室的 上塗滿了自己的鮮血。當時這聽起來很離奇，現在想起來還是一樣。
    The following morning, we sat in the Maui courthouse and awaited arraignment. As the judge called the session to order, the bailiff led a string of defendants into the room.    第二天早上，我們坐在毛伊島法院裡等待父親被提訊。法官開庭後，法警把一連串被告帶了進來。
    I couldn't find my father. The orange jumpsuits looked the same and the chains that bound them together distracted me. I scanned the group twice and focused on a gaunt man in the middle of the pack with gangly facial hair and tattoos.    我找不到自己的父親。橘黃色的囚服千篇一律，把他們串在一起的鐵鏈讓我心神不寧。我掃視了兩遍，最後把目光聚焦在隊伍中間一個枯瘦憔悴的男人身上，他鬍子拉扎，刺着紋身。
    His emotionless eyes rose to mine and I saw the man I once knew -- the man who abandoned our family, the man who proudly drove a Ferrari as a sign of arrival, the man who moved to Hawaii to find his piece of paradise. He was broken and had hit rock bottom.    他目光空洞的眼睛向我看來，我再次見到了曾經熟悉的那個人─那個遺棄我們全家的人，那個曾經開着一輛法拉利呼嘯而來的人，那個到夏威夷尋找天堂的人。而現在，他身無分文，一敗塗地。
    Over the course of the week, Adam and I jockeyed between scattered locations throughout Maui and picked up the pieces of his displaced life. The other side of paradise, we discovered, was a harsh place indeed.
那個星期，我和亞當開車轉遍了毛伊島，去父親呆過的地方看看。我們發現，在天堂的角落裡，日子是那麼艱難。
    It was a trail of debt, desperation and dereliction, and it seemingly had no end.  他過的是一段債務纏身、絕望無助和遭人唾棄的生活，而且似乎永遠看不到頭。
    Our father joined a cult and signed away his life's possessions. Once banished, he wandered the island in search of handouts. He waded through the resorts, pretending to be part of a seminar so he could get hot coffee and a roll. His golden retriever Bubba fetched rocks from the ocean in return for loose change from tourists.   父親加入了一個邪教組織，把一輩子的積蓄捐獻出來。被邪教趕出來後，他在島上流浪，靠乞討度日。他走進度假村，假裝參加那裡舉辦的會議，只求能喝上一杯熱咖啡，吃上一個麵包卷。他讓自己養的一條黃毛獵犬布巴(Bubba)去海里撿鵝卵石，從遊客那裡換來幾個零錢。
    We drove from one situation to the next, like mice in a maze, unsure of what we would find next. Our father had thousands of dollars of debt and owed people favors, many of who looked at us to settle up. We also discovered he was a sick man who suffered through many years of undetected and untreated bipolar disorder.     我們開車從一個地方到另一個地方，就像被困在迷宮裡的兩隻老鼠，不知道下一刻會發現什麼。父親背了好幾千美元的債務，還欠下不少人情，很多人都指望我們能幫他了結。我們還發現，他是個病人，多年來一直患有躁鬱症，但沒人注意到，也沒人給他治療。
    That, more than anything else, stuck out in my mind.
    尤其是最後這一點，讓我感覺心如刀絞。
    He was a sick man. 他是個病人。
    During our last day in Maui, Adam and I visited our father in jail. He had tears in his eyes as he apologized for everything he did and didn't do. My mind wandered to birthdays spent staring at the phone. It had been an emotional week, one that opened wounds I thought were closed.    在毛伊島的最後一天，我和亞當去監獄看望父親。他含着淚，為自己所做的一切和沒有做到的一切向我們道歉。我不禁回憶起自己過生日時，在電話機旁邊苦等爸爸電話的情景。那一周，我經歷了情緒的劇烈波動，那些我以為結痂的創傷，再次流出了鮮血。
    As we sat in his cell, he broke down and told us he had nothing to live for. My brother took from his pocket a picture of his two children, my niece and nephew, and handed it to our dad. 'This is what you have to look forward to,' he said, his gesture catching me off guard.    我們坐在他囚室里，他整個人都崩潰了，說自己再也沒有活下去的目標。我哥哥從口袋裡掏出一張照片，上面是他的兩個孩子，也就是我的侄子和侄女。哥哥把照片交給父親。“這就是你活下去的目標。”他說。這個表態讓我意外。
    'Yes, dad,' I continued, 'If you stay clean, I'll help you get back on track, pay off your debts, find a home...I'll help you meet your grandchildren.'
“是的，爸爸。”我把話頭接過去，“只要你告別過去，我會幫你重新開始，幫你還債，找一間房子…讓你和自己的孫子孫女見面。”
    I could see the guards watching from the corner of my eye and I wanted them to soak it in. Perhaps they would think twice about beating him if they knew that he was a father and a grandfather.    我眼角的餘光發現獄警在看這邊，而且也希望他們聽到這些交談。也許當他們知道這個囚犯是個父親和祖父時，動手打他前能夠三思而後行。
    I'll never forget the last thing he said to me before we left. 'Relax, son, you have to enjoy life. You never know when a plane will fall out of the sky and ruin your day.'       我永遠忘不了離別時他對我說的最後一句話：“活得輕鬆點，兒子，人有旦夕禍福，要學會多享受生活。”
    I gave him my word I would return in one year to resume our relationship as a strange emotion washed over my body, one of relief.
 我向他保證，自己一年後會來看他，讓一切從頭開始。這時，我心頭湧上一股奇怪的感情，似乎有個結解開了。
    He was a sick man, I again thought to myself.
    他是個病人，我在心裡再次對自己說。
    It wasn't my fault.  但這不是我的錯。 

四十三、Fitting the pieces together  原來如此
   
On the one side of my life, there was this volatile man who swung between depths of despair and heights of mania. On the other, there was my father, who suffered from bi-polar disorder and exacerbated his illness by self-medicating. 在我的生命中，有這樣一個男人。一方面，他情緒極端波動，一會兒沮喪得徹底絕望，一會兒狂躁得歇斯底里；另一方面，我有個患躁鬱症的父親，因為不看醫生自己瞎吃藥，病情越來越重。
    As I discussed my father's diagnosis with Jim, he made a startling revelation. Cramer, as brilliant as he was, with his photographic memory and uncanny ability to retain information, suffered from a similar disorder. Jim assured me it could be treated with proper medication and offered a few suggestions. That's when the connection crystallized.    
我跟吉姆討論父親的診斷結果，他告訴我一個令人吃驚的消息。吉姆.克萊默才華橫溢，擁有過目不忘的記憶力和極強吸收信息的能力，但他也患有類似的病症。吉姆向我保證，這種疾病通過正確的用藥可以有所緩解，並提供了一些建議。至此，我才明白吉姆的情緒為何如此大起大落。
    Their lives were entirely different but a common denominator existed that bound them and by extension, me. Perhaps Jim's condition should have been more apparent but it's not something one looks for. The line between genius and madness is simply one of acceptance.
吉姆和我父親過着截然不同的生活，但有一樣共同的東西將他們聯繫起來，也就是我。也許我們早該發現吉姆患有躁鬱症，但誰會往那方面想呢？天才與瘋子之間的區別，只在於你的主觀立場。
    I wasn't angry or upset. In fact, following the awareness of my dad's affliction and Jim's benevolent efforts to help me navigate it, I developed newfound respect for the man I danced with daily. We connected in a way that is tough to describe; I got him and I suppose he got me.
我不再因吉姆的脾氣而生氣沮喪。事實上，經過父親這件事，再加上吉姆從中給予的熱心幫助，我對這個每日共舞的人油然而生了一種全新的尊重。我們倆以一種難以描述的紐帶聯繫在一起，我理解他，我覺得他也理解我。
    I also realized that much like my father, his emotional swings weren't always preceded with conscience intent. As his friend, I found myself rooting for his happiness and well-being. As his partner tasked with managing $400 million of risk, we continued to battle over every dollar in our ever-changing P&L.
我還意識到，和父親的情況一樣，吉姆的情緒波動往往並不針對任何人。作為他的朋友，我希望他快樂健康。作為和他共同管理四億美元資金的合伙人，我們繼續為損益表上的每一塊錢利潤浴血奮戰。
    The constant vacillation took a toll, tangibly and intangibly, as we edged through 2000. Every day was a game of mental chess and we knew how to push each other's buttons, rarely if ever missing an opportunity to do so. Admittedly, my empathy sometimes took a back seat to the frustration that surrounded his seemingly haphazard decision-making.
在吉姆的喜怒無常中，2000年就這樣過去了。情緒波動總會帶來損失，不管是有形的還是無形的。每天都像是在下一局棋，我們知道彼此的脾氣，幾乎從不錯過任何讓對方難受的機會。我也承認，雖然自己對吉姆多了一份理解，但有時也會被他那些似乎很隨意的決策搞得非常惱火。
    There were two movies playing at the same time. The online relationship -- where a loyal following watched our stylistic friction -- drew huge traffic for TheStreet.com. Inside the office, as we raced towards our payday, the never-ending soap opera repeated itself on a daily basis.
談到我們倆的關係，似乎有兩部電影在同時播放。一個是網上的針鋒相對，一大群忠實讀者在看我們倆意見相左的投資觀點，從而給TheStreet.com.帶來巨大的訪問量。一個是在公司內部，我們肩並肩共同賺錢，每天上演着一幕永不間斷的肥皂劇。
    Our lead over the mainstay averages continued to grow and we were up 20-something percent, 40% higher than our benchmark. Still, the success was bittersweet, as nothing seemed to satiate the intense desire to lengthen our lead. 我們基金的表現高於主流，並越來越好，投資回報率平均水平20%以上，超越基準40%。不過，成功的背後也是酸甜苦辣咸五味俱全，因為我們渴望保持領先地位，永遠都不滿足於現有的成績。
    In the back of my mind, I reminded myself of a subtle yet important fact. Our gains were on paper and didn't matter until they were locked and loaded; I wasn't getting paid until Jim signed the check.     在內心深處，我提醒自己一個隱約但又非常重要的事實。除非及時兌現收益，否則一切都是紙上富貴。直到吉姆在工資支票上簽字前，我還拿不到利潤分成，
    After my experiences at Morgan Stanley and Galleon, I wasn't about to take anything for granted.    有過在摩根斯坦利和Galleon的經歷後，我已經變得非常現實。 

四十四、股市肥皂劇

   It was late 2000 and we were still riding high at Cramer Berkowitz when Jim Cramer asked if I would join him at TheStreet.com conference, followed by dinner with Gene Hackman. 
2000年下半年，Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金的表現依然出眾，吉姆.克萊默問我能不能陪他去參加TheStreet.com的會議，晚上再跟金.哈克曼(Gene Hackman)一起吃飯。
    I jumped at the opportunity to break bread with one of my favorite actors and told him I would go if I didn't have to make a presentation. Writing was one thing but speaking in front of thousands of people wasn't something that interested me. He promised me I wouldn't have to and so I happily tagged along.
金.哈克曼是我最喜歡的男演員之一，很期待能和他共進晚餐。我告訴吉姆，只要不讓我在會上演講就行。寫東西是一回事，但在幾千人面前講話是另一回事，我可不感興趣。吉姆答應了，於是我很高興地陪他前往。
    The grand ballroom at the Marriott World Trade Center was packed; I had never seen anything like it. Investors swarmed Jim during the cocktail hour looking for stock picks. My nametag remained in my pocket as I tried to remain invisible.       紐約萬豪世貿中心酒店(Marriott World Trade Center)人頭攢動，我從沒見過這種場面。雞尾酒會期間，投資者把吉姆圍個水泄不通，請他幫忙選股。我把胸卡放在口袋裡，希望不會引起別人的注意。
    Jim gave the keynote as the audience furiously scribbled tickers on their notepads. I watched him work the room. He's good, I thought to myself, a masterful marketer.     吉姆做了主題發言，聽眾們瘋狂地在筆記本上記錄着上市公司代碼。我看着吉姆讓自己成為全場的焦點，他很棒，我對自己說，是個營銷大師。
    During the Q&A that followed his speech, someone asked a question about option pricing. 演講之後是問答環節，有人提出一個關於期權定價的問題。
    'You know,' he began, 'I can answer that but I have someone in the room who trades options better than anyone. You all know my head trader, Todd-o 'Cookie' Harrison, right? Why don't we have Todd come up here? Whaddya say, Todd-o?'     “嗯，”他說，“我能回答這個問題，但現場還有一個人，期權交易做得比誰都好。你們都知道我的首席交易員‘曲奇餅’托德.哈里森吧？為什麼不讓他來回答這個問題呢？怎麼樣，托德？”
    My stomach tied in a knot as a few people began to clap. Before long, the entire audience gave a standing ovation. I had no choice -- no longer was I invisible -- I slowly walked onstage, answered the question and fielded several more before returning to my seat.    有幾個人帶頭鼓起掌來，我覺得自己的胃都要痙攣了。很快，全場都站起來鼓掌，我別無選擇，再也當不成隱形人，只能慢慢走上台，回答了好幾個問題，才能回到自己的座位上。
    When the conference concluded, I desperately had to use the men's room but quickly realized it would be tough to get there. Within minutes, I was surrounded. There were eight, maybe 10 people deep, circling me like a bulls-eye on an archery target.     會議結束後，我急着想去上廁所，但很快就意識到這不太容易。短短幾分鐘內，我就被人群包圍起來，身邊有八九個人緊緊圍着，把我弄得就像靶子上的靶心一樣。
    'What do you think of Cisco?' “你覺得思科怎麼樣？”
    'What's your favorite financial short?' “你最看空哪只金融股？”
    'Where will the S&P end this year?' “年底標普500會收在什麼點位？”
    I was overwhelmed -- I didn't have time to digest one question before being pelted with another, and I still had to pee.   我被搞得暈頭轉向，還沒來得及消化一個問題，第二個就接踵而至，而我還急着要去上廁所。
    I looked over and saw Gene Hackman checking his watch. When a two-time Academy Award winning actor is standing alone and a head trader is mobbed like a film star, there's something very wrong with the mainstream mindset. This stock-market movie was not going to end well. 
我從人們的肩頭望出去，看到金.哈克曼在看手錶。一個獲得兩屆奧斯卡獎的演員孤零零地站在一邊，而一個首席交易員卻像影星一樣被圍得水泄不通，這裡頭一定有什麼東西很不對頭，看來這場股市肥皂劇不會有什麼太好的結局。 

四十五、  Moment of truth  靈光閃現
   
Jim's partner, Jeff Berkowitz, was at the First Boston conference in late November feeding us tremendous insight. After 10 years of friendship and 11 months of close-knit interaction, he and I arrived at a place of intuitiveness where I executed upon his thoughts before words were ever exchanged.
這一年的11月底，吉姆的合伙人傑夫.伯科威茲(Jeff Berkowitz)去參加第一波士頓舉辦的會議，跟我們溝通了一個很重要的市場觀點。經過10年的友誼和11個月抱成一團的合作關係，我們倆已經達到心意相通的程度。他用不着跟我說得很清楚，我就能把他內心的交易想法執行到位。
    It was a thing of beauty, a rhythm that bridged his analytical reasoning with the innards of my trading gut. We were everything a hedge fund was supposed to be and more.    這是一種美妙的感覺，他的分析推理能力與我的交易直覺結合得天衣無縫。我們是任何一個對沖基金都夢寐以求的那種完美組合。
    As Jeff shared his bearish inclinations on Microsoft Corp. from the hallway of the conference, I was on the horn with Deutsche Bank, which had a large vanilla buyer of the common stock. I was looking for an excuse to take a short position in 'Mr. Softee,' and Jeff delivered it in spades.
傑夫站在會場外頭的走廊里跟我打電話，說他現在看空微軟公司。我剛好在和德意志銀行聯繫，他們有個客戶持有大量的微軟普通股，我正想找機會做空一下“軟件先生”(Mr. Softee)，傑夫的電話來得恰到好處。
    Bang! We're short 'two-fitty' (250,000 shares) and covered it down a buck.
    砰！我們賣空“250手”(25萬股)，微軟股價下跌1美元。
    Zing! Puts were flowing like water in and out of our green portfolio.
    呼！看跌期權交易像水一樣在我們已經盈利的組合中流進流出。
    Pow! Another facial tick by Microsoft CFO John Connors and we tossed a few hundred thousand back out.
   噗！微軟首席財務官約翰.康納斯的臉部又痙攣一下, 我們又賣空幾十萬股。
    We had yet to eat lunch and Mr. Softee alone netted us close to $3 million.
    還沒等到午飯時間，我們在“軟件先生”身上就已經賺了將近300萬美元。
    And it wasn't just Microsoft, as we hosted a profit party that day at the hallowed halls of Cramer Berkowitz. We opened our stance and took a full cut, pocketing money across the board in tech. We traded so much merchandise with so many brokers, my team barely had time to input positions into our systems.
當天，我們在Cramer Berkowitz公司空曠的大廳內舉辦了一場賺錢慶祝會。此時，我們賣空的不只是微軟公司，而是擺出全面作戰的架勢，將多頭倉位清空，賣空整個技術板塊。我們和眾多券商進行了那麼多的交易，我的團隊幾乎都沒時間在系統內輸入交易倉位。
    It was the definition of fluidity as our P&L grew from $3 million to $4 million, and then up to $5 million.    這就是所謂的順風順水，我們的損益表從300萬美元的盈利上升到400萬，然後是500萬美元。
    As the close approached, I felt a great sense of satisfaction. We played to win and exhibited the discipline that is the hallmark of any great trading operation. It would have been a perfect session if not for the tiny landmine nestled between the sheets.             隨着閉市的臨近，我感到一種巨大的滿足感。我們的目標就是成為贏家，並展現出了任何一個偉大的交易機構所特有的那種投資紀律和水準。要不是交易清單裡埋藏着一個小小的地雷，這簡直就是一個完美的交易日。
    You see, in the midst of those multiple, seven-figure wins was a 20,000-share position in the computer storage company Brocade. It was one of the best performing stocks at the time and as an extension, one of Jim's favorites as well. I hadn't even seen him slip a position on the sheets.
你看，在好幾個盈利達到七位數的空頭倉位中，有一個2萬股賣空計算機存儲公司Brocade的單子。這是當時表現最好的股票之一，也是最受吉姆青睞的，我還從沒在交易清單上看見他賣出過Brocade。
    After the bell, Brocade announced a picture-perfect quarter, a work of art in an otherwise burning building. Unfortunately, it was trading well over $100 per share, and the good news was already baked into the price.
閉市鐘聲敲響後，Brocade公布了一個歌舞昇平的季報，技術板塊的大廈將傾，但這份業績可謂無懈可擊。不幸的是，公司股價已經遠超每股100美元，好消息早就在價格中反映出來。
    Blink and it was down $5. Sigh and it was down $10.
     一眨眼的功夫，Brocade的股價下跌5美元；嘆一口氣的功夫，又下跌10美元。
    With each draft lower, Jim nibbled on more stock. And with each downtick, Mount Vesuvius growled louder on the other side of the desk. I tried to calm Jim by pointing to our monster session.    每到一個下跌平台，吉姆都吃進更多的Brocade；而每一次股價收低，空方的維蘇威火山都噴發得愈加猛烈。我試着安撫一下吉姆，提醒他我們的空頭倉位盈利巨大。 

    'Relax, brother,' I said. 'We had a huge day.'
    “沒關係，兄弟。”我說，“我們今天賺翻了。”
    But he would have none of it. The venom was thick as spit flew from his mouth and the phone and keyboard shattered on his desk. I saw this movie before and wasn't interested in watching the sequel.     但吉姆根本不聽。他唾沫橫飛地咒罵，把電話和鍵盤在桌上摔得啪啪響。我以前見識過這種場面，並不想看重播。
    I got up, grabbed my jacket and walked out. I heard an object smash against the closed door while I waited for the elevator. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't going to return as long as Mr. Cramer was there.  我站起來，拿起上衣走出辦公室。在等電梯的時候，我聽見有東西砸在門上的聲音。我下了決心，只要克萊默還在辦公室，今天我就不回去了。 

    Jim called Jeff to complain that I didn't care about the fund. A bit later, Jeff called me and we had a long conversation.     吉姆打電話給傑夫抱怨，說我不關心公司的基金。過了一會兒，傑夫給我打電話，我們倆長談了一次。

四十六、Victory laps and big steps back  勝利撤退
   
Life at Cramer Berkowitz was like living in a reality show, a surreal story you couldn't possibly fathom unless you saw it with your own eyes. I only wish someone had the foresight to film it.
在Cramer Berkowitz工作就像活在一場真人秀里，其荒誕離奇之處，假如不是親身經歷，根本想象不出來。我只希望誰有先見之明，能預先把它拍下來。
    Jim's focus increasingly shifted towards his growing media presence on TheStreet.com and CNBC. That was fine by me -- the clock was ticking towards a rather large payday. In hindsight, his ability to juggle so many tasks was an amazing accomplishment. At the time, I viewed his attention as splintered at best.    吉姆把越來越多的精力放在媒體上，頻頻在TheStreet.com和CNBC電視節目中亮相。對此我沒啥意見─反正距離拿大筆獎金的日子越來越近了。回過頭來看，吉姆同時處理那麼多事情的能力令人讚嘆；但在當時，我覺得他有些分心。
    One day, I yelled across the desk to Jim as he leaned back in his chair with the phone pressed against his ear and alerted him that we were making a bet against the market. He saw me vying for his attention, gave me a thumbs-up and placed his hand over the receiver. 'I love 'em here -- go!'    一天，吉姆正靠在椅子上打電話，話筒緊緊貼在耳朵上。我隔着桌子沖他喊，提醒他當前的交易操作與市場走勢唱反調。他看到我想引起他的注意力，於是沖我做了個翹大拇指的手勢，然後把手掩在話筒上，說：“我喜歡這公司─買吧！”
    When I informed him that we were aggressively shorting the tape, he nodded his head in agreement and made gestures with his hands as if to say, 'Sell, sell, sell!     當我告訴他，我們正在積極賣空這隻股票時，他又點頭認可，給我打手勢，彷佛在說：“賣，賣，賣！”
    I have no agenda in sharing the details of those professional interactions. As we edged towards the end of 2000, however, I had an intense agenda to finish the year and get our investors and myself paid. He was a living, breathing rollercoaster and I desperately wanted to get off.    我不打算談更多這種工作上的往來細節。但隨着2000年底的臨近，我很想劃上一個圓滿的句號，給投資者結算回報，讓自己拿到獎金。吉姆是一列活生生、會喘氣的過山車，而我急於從車上下來。
    As the year's end flickered in the distance, we collectively made a decision to trade less, sit on our outsized gains and ride out the calendar. It was a prudent decision; we pared our book to minimal risk and agreed to trade only the very best edges.    隨着年末指日可待，我們做出一個集體決策，減少交易，坐在高高的錢堆上，等着一年的結束。這是一個審慎的決策，我們把組合風險降至最低，並達成共識，只交易那些最好的市場機會。
    Jeff, Matt Jacobs and I seemed to grasp that concept but as I would quickly learn, it's hard to teach an old dog a new shtick.    傑夫、馬特•雅各布斯和我似乎很快就掌握了這一理念，但我很快就發現，教一隻老狗新招數是很難的。

四十七、When push comes to shove  分道揚鑣
   
Our process at Cramer Berkowitz was constant; we walked through our portfolio several times a day and manicured our risk profile. We did this through good times and bad, a discipline that sustained us during the wicked crosscurrents in the financial landscape. It was the best way to keep a collection of portfolio managers with attention-deficit disorder on the same page during our sensory-overloaded journey.
Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金的投資流程是長期固定的。我們每天都討論幾次組合的交易明細，調整風險倉位。無論市場好壞，這一投資紀律讓我們得以安全度過金融世界的腥風血雨。在瞬息萬變的市場過山車中，這是讓一群容易分心的組合經理保持協同作戰的最佳途徑。
    A funny thing happened with our newfound risk management approach. Positions began to appear mysteriously as we chewed through our skeletal sheets.   我們新建立的風險管理系統發現一些有趣的東西。當我們查看初步的交易明細時，發現一些我們不知情的神秘交易頭寸。
    While Jim insisted his sources were giving him the wink, Jeff and I would secretly chuckle and imagine who some of his 'sources' might be, via instant messages.     吉姆堅持說，這些交易是有消息來源的。傑夫和我暗自發笑，通過即時通訊軟件聊天，猜這個所謂的“消息來源”是誰。
    Genghis Khan, perhaps? 是成吉思汗(Genghis Khan)？
    Maybe Abe Lincoln? 還是林肯總統(Abe Lincoln)？
    How about Ty Cobb? 會不會是棒球手泰•柯布(Ty Cobb)？
    It was a little funny and a bit sad but it didn't matter. On a $400 million tank, these positions were rubber bullets that quietly bounced off the armor of our relative performance.    這種事情有點可笑，也有點悲哀，但沒關係。我們坐在一輛盈利四個億美元的坦克里，這些頭寸就像是橡皮子彈一樣，無聲無息地就被相對較厚的利潤盔甲給彈開了。
    As I looked ahead, I wasn't as ambivalent. We had the makings of a legitimate all-star squad in Jeff, Matt and myself. I had only worked with Jim for one year and while I genuinely cared for him as a person, I no longer had an interest in sitting on the other side of his moods.
與和吉姆相處的矛盾心情相比，我對公司的未來沒有懷疑。傑夫、馬特和我已形成一個全明星陣容的鐵三角；我和吉姆共事不過一年時間，雖然我真的很關心他，但我再也不想站在他情緒的對立面上。
    Additionally, my grandfather's health began to deteriorate, a sad reality I needed to tend to. Perhaps I was selfish -- maybe a bit greedy -- when I began to calculate what could have been if Jim was removed from the equation.     此外，我祖父的健康開始出現問題，這是我不得不接受的悲哀現實。也許有點自私─也許有點貪婪─我開始在心裡盤算，如果不把吉姆的業績考慮在內，我能多賺多少錢。
    Once the thought began to germinate, it was difficult to shake. I spoke with Jeff and Matt and shared my intention to leave at the end of the year.
這種想法一旦萌生，就揮之不去。我跟傑夫和馬特談了自己的想法，打算到年底就離開公司。
    I won't call it a coup but there was clearly dissension in the ranks. Our instant messages flickered quicker and the outside phone calls increased in frequency. Yes, something was definitely afoot as we swallowed the dings of edgeless risk and waffled our way towards year-end.    我不想稱之為政變，但公司的陣營確實出現了分化。我們的即時聊天工具閃動得更快，外面打來的電話更頻繁。是的，在我們承擔無謂的投資風險，在閒扯中等待年底的到來時，有些東西正在醞釀之中。
    As the emotional fervor came to a head, Cramer Berkowitz arrived at the fateful day that would forever change our lives.   在頭腦受到情緒衝動的影響之時，Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金迎來一個命中注定的日子，這一天將永遠改變我們的生活。

四十八、新轉機

    Nobody knows what was discussed during the hour Jim Cramer and Jeff Berkowitz huddled in Jim's office in late 2000, but time stood still as I watched them from the other side of the glass wall.    2000年底的一天，吉姆.克拉默和傑夫.伯科威茨在吉姆的辦公室里私下交談，沒人知道他們在說什麼，而我在外頭透過玻璃看着，覺得時間彷佛停止了下來。
    I had a serious heart-to-heart with Jeff the night after the Brocade tirade when Jim destroyed keyboards and threw an object at the door after I walked out. I told Jeff that I wasn't going to return the following year if Jim was there.      那次，吉姆為自己在Brocade股票上的失利大發雷霆，砸壞電腦鍵盤，我走出辦公室後又拿東西扔到門上。此後，我和傑夫開誠布公地談了次心，告訴他如果吉姆還留在這裡，那明年我就不在公司幹了。
    Jeff wasn't surprised -- the writing was on the wall since the end of the third quarter -- but that was the first time I put it out there. 'I'll talk to him,' he said at the time, 'just relax and bring your A-game tomorrow.'    傑夫並不感到意外──從三季度末開始，情況就已經很明確了──但這是我第一次公開表明自己的態度。“我去跟他談談。”他當時說，“你把心放在肚子裡，明天還要好好干。”
    Jeff is a good man who lives his life by example. He had more on the line than the rest of us combined -- nine hard years of channeling information to Jim and quietly feeding his stardom.
傑夫是個好人，一生都以身作則。他和吉姆打交道的經驗，比我們加起來都要多--九年艱苦的溝通之旅，還要不動聲色地滿足吉姆的明星情結。
    Loyalty is a rare quality on Wall Street. Jeff lived it and I knew it. I suppose that, as much as anything, sat in the back of my mind as I waited for them to emerge from Jim's office.
在華爾街，忠誠是一種稀有品質。傑夫就有這一品質。我下意識里知道這一點。我坐在那裡，等待吉姆的辦公室里能傳來好消息。
    The door flew open and Jim bound into the trading room at a quickened pace. At first, I couldn't tell if he was angry or ecstatic, given the fine line that separates the two emotions in the man. He stepped up to the main trading desk as a hush fell over the firm.
門一下子被打開了，吉姆大步走進交易室。一開始，我說不清他是憤怒還是高興，因為他的這兩種情緒別人很難區分開來。他走到主交易席位，大家一下子安靜下來。
    This was it, I thought -- the moment of truth, the secret to our fortunes.
    就是現在，我想，決定命運的時刻到了。
    'I've made a decision,' he said as the corners of his lips folded higher. 'At the end of this year, I'm going to announce my retirement and hand the firm to Jeff.' “我做出了決定，”吉姆說，嘴角有點往上翹，“今年年底我將宣布退休，把公司交給傑夫。”
    My eyes connected with Berko as the pieces fit together in my head. Smart man, I thought to myself. But that I knew, since he was the one who taught me the car-crash analogy.
我和傑夫的眼神交匯到一起，事情開始變得清晰起來。真是個聰明人，我心裡想，但這也很正常，畢竟那個關于吉姆開車撞人的比喻是傑夫教給我的。
    I assumed Jeff communicated his desire to step out from behind Jim's shadow and take his shot as the man in charge. I'm unsure of how large a role I played in Jeff's decision to have that discussion, or in Jim's reaction, but it didn't really matter.
我估計傑夫提出，他希望從吉姆的身後走向前台，成為公司的掌舵人；但不清楚我在傑夫的決定中起了多大的作用，或者吉姆的反應有沒有考慮到我的因素。不過，這一切並不重要。
    Much like trading, all that counted was the bottom line. 
    就像交易一樣，最重要的是目的有沒有達到。
 

四十九、Perception and reality  期待和現實
   
As we discussed the dynamic internally, there was an underlying sense of relief. The mood was positive all around as we joked about Jim's place in history.
 我們在內部討論這一變動時，都有一種如釋重負的感覺。大家的情緒都很好，開玩笑說吉姆一定能青史留名。
    Gretzky, Elway, Jordan -- Cramer.
  “冰球皇帝”格雷茨基(Gretzky)，傳奇四分衛艾爾維(Elway)，籃球明星喬丹(Jordan) ─還有吉姆.克拉默。
    He was a savvy spinner and knew he could leverage his track record into a successful media career. He publicly offered that he wanted to spend more time with his family and it seemed like the best possible scenario. He was happy. We were happy. It was perfect.
吉姆能言善道，知道憑藉自己的投資資歷，他能成功進入媒體行業。他公開宣稱自己想多陪陪家人，大家也都以為是這麼回事。他高興，我們也高興，可謂皆大歡喜。
    The initial euphoria morphed into a more pressing question. If Jim left the business, what would he claim when we carved up the bonus pool? I was guaranteed a set percentage of the returns but given my relative contribution, I believed I was entitled to a larger slice of the profit pie. 但歡欣鼓舞過後，問題隨之而來。如果吉姆退出，那他的那份獎金怎麼算？公司承諾給我一個固定比例的分紅，但考慮到相對的貢獻程度，我覺得自己有理由在利潤大餅中分到更大的一塊。
    After a string of lean years, I thought I hit the lottery. It couldn't be happening again.   在拿了幾年的微薄收入後，我想這次應該能打一個翻身仗了。歷史不能再重演了。
    Could it? 真的嗎？
    We stopped trading for the final month of the year, sitting on a 36% gain while the rest of the street swallowed sizable losses, and spent the majority of our time chewing through the legalities of transferring ownership of the firm to Jeff. It happened fast but it couldn't happen fast enough.
2000年的最後一個月，我們停止了交易，坐在36%的盈利成績上，看着華爾街其他機構損失慘重。我們把大部分時間花在如何把公司控制權交給傑夫的各種法律問題上，一切進展得很快，但我們還是覺得不夠快。
    I was excited for Jeff as he earned the right to helm his own operation. And I was excited for myself as I prepared to assume the role of president, a title previously held by Jim.
我為傑夫感到高興，他投入那麼多，有權成為公司的掌門人。我也為自己感到高興，準備好接任總裁一職，這個位置以前是吉姆把持的。
    That, and a hefty guaranteed salary for two years, put me in a positive place as I sat with Jeff to discuss compensation for 2000. He assured me that I would be taken care of and true to his word, I was.
這種期待，以及未來兩年能享受到較高固定收入的滿足感，讓我坐下來和傑夫談2000年獎金時覺得胸有成竹。他承諾過讓我放心，我也確實很放心。
    While Jim secured a chunk of change as his final payday on Wall Street, I netted close to $5 million, considerably more than I was contractually due.
吉姆拿到一筆離職費，作為他在華爾街的最後一筆獎金，而我拿到將近500萬美元，比合同規定的金額多得多。
    A new era began at Cramer Berkowitz and I finally shook the monkey off my back.
Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金的一個新時代開始了，而我終於大大地鬆了口氣。
    I was finally on the other side of the cash register. 
我終於站到了收款機的內側。

五十、The age of the innocence  純真年代
   
It is a rare occurrence on Wall Street when you can exhale, relax and enjoy your good fortune.   在華爾街，如果你能舒上一口氣，放鬆下來享受自己的好運，這算是很罕見的情形。
    Such was a time as we entered 2001 with fresh energy and newfound zest. We earned a reputation as a shrewd and honest fund and we knew all the right people in all the right places. And I had coin in the bank, tangible validation for a hard-fought career.
我們就以這種狀態進入了2001年，精神煥發，充滿了新的動力。我們管理的基金贏得機智靈活和誠實守信的聲譽，我們熟悉所有該熟悉的公司，認識所有該認識的人。我在銀行有大筆存款，這是在一個競爭殘酷的行業摸爬滾打所獲得的有形認證。
    I still wrote my column for TheStreet.com and enjoyed the platform. There was a collection of intelligent thinkers on the site and friendships were forged as a function of respect.
我還繼續在TheStreet.com寫專欄文章，享受這一平台給我帶來的樂趣。網站上有一些睿智的思想者，我們相互尊重，成為朋友。
    During the early months of 2001, my grandfather Ruby -- my best friend and moral mentor -- spent much of his time in intensive care. I traveled to Florida on weekends to hold his hand and absorb his energy. It was a tough time for our family as we said goodbye to our patriarch, a dose of reality in an otherwise euphoric time.
2001年初的幾個月裡，我的祖父魯比─我最好的朋友和人生導師─在重症病房裡度過了大部分時間。我經常周末去佛羅里達，握住他的手，聆聽他的教誨。對全家來說，這是一段艱難的時期，因為我們就要向家中的一位長者告別，真是快樂時光中的一個很大的遺憾。
    It was life. And it was death. 這就是生活，人的歸宿就是死亡。
    As I chewed through the market with a faceless audience of millions, I told the tale of Ruby. It was then I realized the power of the Internet and the catharsis of writing. We received thousands of emails that we read to him on his deathbed. Each was a story of love and loss, be it a son, father, mother or sibling.
我在和廣大讀者交流市場觀點時，談起了祖父的故事。此時我才意識到互聯網的力量，以及寫作所能帶來的情緒宣泄作用。我們收到成千上萬封電子郵件，並在祖父的病榻前為他讀這些來信。每一封來信都是愛的故事，痛失親人的故事，無論是作為兒子、父母，還是兄弟姐妹。
    That was the genesis of loyalty to my readers, a connection that remains to this day. If people I've never met could help my family through such a tough transition, I would certainly find time to return the favor.
這是我和讀者建立起彼此忠誠關係的源頭，直到今天依然如此。既然這些素昧平生的人能幫我的家庭度過如此艱難的一段日子，我當然要擠出時間來寫作，以此回饋他們的深情厚誼。
    I settled into my dual role of 'trader who writes' but the irony wasn't lost on me. I was the president of Cramer Berkowitz and wrote the lead trading diary on TheStreet.com, both positions previously held by Jim.
我完全進入“交易員兼專欄作者”的雙重身份，但這其中也有一些諷刺意味。我等於是全面接手了吉姆的職責：既作為Cramer Berkowitz公司的總裁，又是TheStreet.com交易專欄的作者。
    Ours was a delicate relationship, buffered on both sides by business and money. Jim had influence on our investors because he kept a large portion of his money with us while I managed the fund with Jeff and Matt, and generated views on TheStreet.com. We had a vested interest in keeping each other happy, and despite a persistent, underlying tension, we balanced the act and played the game.
我和吉姆的關係十分微妙，生意和金錢上的來往成為我們之間的一種緩衝。吉姆對我們的投資者具有影響力，因為他自己就有一大筆錢放在由我、傑夫和馬特來共同管理的基金裡頭；此外，他也在TheStreet.com發表市場觀點。雖然我們之間一直有些緊張，但還是有必要讓對方開心，因此形成了某種意義上的平衡，把遊戲玩下去。
    In March 2001, United Cerebral Palsy honored me for outstanding achievement. I wasn't sure why I was chosen but I was happy to drive attendance to such a worthy cause. With the help of some friends, we secured Run-DMC to perform. I reached out to our coverage on Wall Street, those we paid commission to, and we sold out the event.
2001年3月，美國腦癱聯合協會(United Cerebral Palsy)授予我一項傑出成就獎，我不知道自己為什麼會被選中，但很高興能為這樣一個有意義的事情吸引參與者。在朋友的幫助下，我們請到了Run-DMC樂隊在慈善晚會上表演助興。我向華爾街的生意網絡─就是那些我們支付交易佣金的人─介紹這次活動，很快就把票全部賣了出去。
    I could feel that Ruby was close to passing and almost skipped the ceremony to be with him. At the request of my family, I stayed and accepted the award. Jim stepped to the podium and lauded me as the best trader on Wall Street and the best writer at TheStreet.com.
我有種預感，魯比即將不久於人世，幾乎都想放棄頒獎典禮去陪他；但在家人的堅持下，我還是留了下來，去領了獎。吉姆走上頒獎台，稱讚我是華爾街最好的交易員，以及TheStreet.com網站上最好的專欄作者。
    That was Jim -- all or nothing. I didn't agree with his assessment but the words were humbling to hear. I smiled at him in a knowing way. While our professional relationship was untenable, I genuinely cared for the man.
這就是吉姆─要麼全盤肯定，要麼全盤否定。我不同意他的評價，而且這些話令我慚愧。我沖吉姆微笑，表示感謝。雖然我們在工作上關繫緊張，但我真的很在乎這個人。
    As it turned out, that speech was the apex of our personal relationship. 
    結果，吉姆的這次演講成為我們倆私人關係的最高峰。

五十一、Saying goodbye and opening up  告別親人
   
Ruby Peck passed away April 21, 2001, and it was a punch to the gut. Our performance picked up where we left off the previous year but as anyone who's lost someone can tell you, perspective arrives quickly when you say goodbye to someone you love.
魯比.派克於2001年4月21日與世長辭，讓我無比痛心。基金比上一年底又有了更好的表現，但痛失親人者會告訴你，一旦自己所愛的人告別人世，你很快就會對事物有一個全新的認識。
    It was a soulful time in my life, a period of growth and maturity. My grandfather's final words, played in a video that aired at the cerebral palsy benefit, were 'I don't know if I taught him a lot, but I sure hoped he learned a lot.' 這是我生命中一段沉浸於內心世界的時光，自己長大了，變得更加成熟。我把祖父的臨終遺言製成視頻，在腦癱聯合協會的慈善晚會上播放，他最後的話是：“我不知道自己是不是教了他很多東西，但我絕對希望他學到了不少。”
    He did and, by extension, so did I.
    他確實教了我很多，而我也確實學會了不少。
    My grieving process threaded into my column on TheStreet.com; my editors were empathetic and allowed for some latitude during a difficult stretch. Still, it was clear they wanted nuts and guts financial stuff and would put up with only so much human interest. An underlying tension began to emerge as the editorial staff carved up my columns before they posted.
我的悲哀在TheStreet.com專欄文章的字裡行間顯現出來，編輯很有同情心，允許我在悲傷的日子裡宣泄一下自己的心情。不過，他們還是想要關於金融市場的真金實銀的觀點，情緒的東西只能適可而止。編輯團隊對我文章的關注程度開始加大，在發表前都要做一些修改。
    I never claimed to be a good writer but I spoke from the heart and told the truth. Sometimes, a word here or shift there can change the entire complexion of the content. I held my ground as they explained proper grammatical execution to me.
我從沒說過自己是個好作者，但我寫的東西都發自內心，不說假話。有時候，一字一句的改變可能會影響整篇文章的核心思想。編輯向我解釋正確的語法應用，但我堅持自己的風格。
    My style was simple -- communicate complex information nestled within pop-culture references like 'Young Frankenstein' or 'Animal House,' and introduce topics with musical lyrics, be it the Grateful Dead, Led Zeppelin or Tom Petty.
我的風格很簡單─用平白明了、讀者耳熟能詳的概念來解釋複雜的金融信息，並用富有樂感的語句表達出來。
    My inbox filled daily with hundreds of emails. Many of them were about the markets but a surprising number of them had nothing to do with the tape. It amazed me how diverse my audience was but upon reflection, it made complete sense.
 我的電子郵箱每天都接到數百封讀者來信，很多都是關於金融市場的，但令人驚奇的是，還有不少來信的內容根本和市場交易無關。這讓我感到，讀者群體的構成是如此的多樣化，但仔細一想，這也很正常。
    They weren't traders that happened to be humans. They were humans that happened to be traders. 
 他們不是有些人性的市場交易員，而是碰巧做了交易員的人類。

 “呼呼”和“噓噓”
  我開始用打趣的手法描述股市的兩大趨勢─“呼呼”(Hoofy)代表牛市，“噓噓”(Boo)代表熊市─同時從兩方面來闡述交易操作。無論市場趨勢如何，牛和熊的觀點總是各有道理，而最終的分曉在第二天早上的報紙上見。我帶着這種心態來寫專欄文章，不同觀點的分歧正是看清市場真諦的不二法門。
   不久，讀者開始問我“呼呼”在幹什麼，“噓噓”在怎麼想，他們給股市賦予性格，形成獨特的視角。這種說法深入人心，大家都很喜歡。我不禁在想，那個發明牛市和熊市說法的人怎麼不出來宣揚一下自己。
   TheStreet.com向我支付稿費，但與從事交易工作的報酬相比，簡直不值一提。寫作不是為了賺錢，而是一種思想的淨化。我們之間沒有簽署合同，因為我不想讓網站擁有對“呼呼”和“噓噓”這種詞語的知識產權。結果，這是我一生做過的最明智的決定。
   在這一點上，他們並不想強求。畢竟，我是他們的搖錢樹，一個在市場戰壕里摸爬滾打的人，寫的東西能吸引大量讀者。我不停地寫文章，探索網絡泡沫背後的奧妙，記錄自己的交易行為，展示給全世界看。如果說股市是個賭場的話，我們覺得自己就是拿着篩子長期坐莊的人。
   TheStreet.com很高興，基金的投資者很高興，因為回報率再次達到兩位數的水平，我也很高興，雖然心裡有點空蕩蕩的。賺錢是件美妙的事情，稍稍分散了我失去祖父的痛苦，但並不能填補祖父離開後內心的空白。
網絡股的走勢捉摸不定，人們的貪婪有所收斂，而我依然維持着自己的雙重身份。
   生活是美好的，至少我這麼認為，因為財富給我帶來了很多可玩的東西。我不再整天坐在交易屏幕前面任憑時光流逝，我要和朋友們共進晚餐，有充足的時間找個新娘，還希望能放鬆多久就放鬆多久。
   人們說，許願的時候要當心。我從不理解這句話的深刻含義，直到自己的願望成真。

五十二、Summer loving  夏日狂歡
   
As I've grown older, I realized the difference between having fun and being happy. Entering the summer of 2001, I knew of no such distinction.
閱歷多了以後，我才意識到好玩和快樂是兩碼事；而在2001年夏天，我並不理解這兩者的區別。
    Ruby aside, life had never been better. While others struggled with the fire sale on Wall Street, we were making serious money and I lived the lifestyle to prove it. I never thought I was that guy -- the player who bankrolled limos, tables at nightclubs and big, expensive dinner checks.     除了魯比的去世，我的生活從沒這麼好過。當華爾街的其他人還在為生計掙扎時，我們在大賺特賺，過着奢華的生活。我從沒想過自己是那樣的人──坐着加長轎車，出入豪華餐廳和夜總會，吃一頓晚餐就花上一大筆錢。
    I suppose, in hindsight, I was. 事後看來，我就是那樣一個人。
    I was still grieving my grandfather when my buddy Lionel and I ventured to the Hamptons to look for a summer rental. I bought a BMW without so much as looking at the sticker price; U2 played loudly as we sped to the east end.
我還沉浸在失去祖父的悲痛中，但還是跟朋友利奧奈爾(Lionel)去漢普頓找一個消夏的房子租。我隨手買了一輛寶馬汽車，根本沒怎麼看價簽。我們開車疾馳向東，車裡飄蕩着U2樂隊轟鳴的音樂。
    After seeing several houses, we were about to head back to the city empty-handed when a broker called to tell us of a place in Sag Harbor that had to be seen. We turned around and took one, final shot. The moment I drove into the compound I knew it was home.
我們看了幾處房子，但都不是很滿意，正打算空手回去，有個地產經紀打來電話，說Sag Harbor有棟房子值得一看。我們掉轉車頭，最後去碰一下運氣；但一開到那裡，我馬上有個感覺，就是它了。
    'We'll call it Ruby Ridge,' I said to Lionel before we got out of the car to explore the grounds.
“我們就管它叫魯比之家(Ruby Ridge)。”我對利奧奈爾說。兩人從車裡出來，開始察看周圍的情況。
    It was sensational. The Philip Stark-designed house was flush with Lichtenstein prints, a meditation tower, media room and a wraparound terrace over looking Sag Harbor. There were immaculate rolling grounds with an eight-car garage, an adjacent two-bedroom casita and an outdoor dining pavilion with a fireplace and kitchen surrounding a black gummite pool. A croquet court sat between the compound and a 200-square-foot beach, all within walking distance from town.
這個地方令人心馳神往。法國設計師菲力普•斯達克(Philip Stark)設計的房子，裡面掛滿現代藝術家利希滕斯坦(Lichtenstein)的照片，有一個冥想塔，一間視聽室，還有一片環繞屋頂的露天陽台，能俯瞰整個薩格港(Sag Harbor)。房子周圍是純淨無瑕的丘陵草地，車庫能容納八輛車，旁邊是一間小平房，有兩個臥室。戶外有個涼亭，可以在這裡用餐，配備壁爐，廚房，還有一個深褐色的游泳池。附近是一個槌球場，還有一片200平方英尺的沙灘，離鎮子很近，走着就可以到。
    We had to have it. 'Seven bedrooms,' one of us said, 'There's a lot of space here.' The broker told us the house was listed for the summer at $150,000. Before we got back in the car, it was ours. We pulled in five or six friends, turned our garage into a nightclub called 'Shagababy' and smiled when we overheard others talking about the new, private club somewhere in Sag Harbor. 這個地方一定得定下來。“七間臥室，”我們中的一個說道，“這個地方真夠大的。”地產經紀說，這棟房子整個夏季的租金是15萬美元。沒等我們回到車裡，租賃合同就已經簽好。我們叫來五六個朋友，把車庫改造成一個名叫“Shagababy”的俱樂部。當有人談起Sag Harbor那裡新開了一家私人俱樂部時，我們幾個露出了會心的微笑。
    There were a hundred people at Ruby Ridge at any given time. When we had parties, on my birthday and at the end of summer, 400 people attended soirees that are still being talked about. It was a summer of debauchery straight out of a movie, a twisted tale of revelry that could have been called 'The Top of the Market.'
任何時候，魯比之家都有一百個人在裡頭玩耍。我們開各種派對，我的生日派對和慶祝夏末時，來了400個人，這一盛事至今為人傳頌。那個夏天，我們尋歡作樂，過着電影裡才會有的生活，簡直就是一場“股市之巔”的狂歡節。
    As a trader with my pulse on trends and turns, I should have seen it coming. I left for Hawaii on Labor Day weekend to fulfill my promise to my father.
作為一個把握市場脈搏和走向的交易員，我理應看到什麼在等着我們。勞動節(Labor Day)的那個周末，我去了一趟夏威夷，履行我對父親的承諾。
    It would be the last time New York ever looked the same.
     從此，紐約不再是原來的那個紐約。

五十三、2001年9月11日

   九月一個美麗、清爽的早晨，我從手中的《華爾街日報》抬頭眺望紐約東河(East River)上的日出。這是一個寧靜祥和的時刻，我停頓下來，欣賞美麗的大自然，並反思自己走過的生命旅途。
   這是我在2001年9月11日那天的最初感受，當陽光照到曼哈頓時，地平線輪廓是如此的層次分明。
   我們的對沖基金不看好宏觀經濟走勢，但在911那天來臨之前，持有的是反趨勢的多頭頭寸。我們坐到交易席位上，喝下第二杯咖啡。諾基亞公司(Nokia Corp.)公告了季度的盈利預減，但股價還是飆升了5%。
   這是一個典型的跡象，表明前期市場處於超賣狀態，現在交易員頭寸不足，正忙着補倉。我們加重籌碼，瘋狂買入史坦普500指數(SPDR S&P 500) 的交易所交易基金(ETF)，以及納斯達克100指數ETF基金(PowerShares QQQ)─基本上就是賭市場會整體走高。我們把尖刀插入空頭派的肚子，他們早就不受歡迎了。
   第一次撞擊時，辦公室的 壁都震動了。我掃視一下交易席位，問：“這是怎麼回事？”
   有人在喊：“世貿中心着火了！”我們轉頭看去，只見火光沖天，黑煙滾滾，與湛藍的天空形成鮮明的對比。
   我們在福爾頓街40號，離世貿中心僅有幾個街區遠；辦公室在24層，視野開闊。此時，主流媒體還沒來得及進行報導，這讓我們在親眼目睹事件發生的過程時，感到尤為困惑。
   我回過身來，在TheStreet.com寫下上午8點47分的一段評論。“世貿中心有炸彈爆炸，願上帝保佑那些無辜的靈魂。”
   標普和納斯達克的指數期貨交易劇烈，每次都跳動10到20個基點。我們賣出手頭持有的一部分指數基金，但當看到報導，說那只是一架小型客機撞上大廈時，又買回了一些。
   這一切就發生短短幾分鐘內。
   我後來才明白為什麼當時無法將目光從世貿大廈移走，那是因為我們的大腦沒有辦法處理接受到的信息。不管如何努力地消化所看到的情景，我們的腦子裡都沒地方可以“歸檔”那種人類手牽手從世貿中心頂層跳下來的畫面。
   那是我至今無法忘懷的畫面，人的身體就像糖果一樣從空中墜落，大廈受損處紙片飄揚，都是從辦公桌里飛出來的。我真希望上帝讓我永遠不要看到這種場面。
   我們擠在窗口，嘴巴張得大大的，有人在一遍又一遍地喃喃自語：“我的上帝！我的上帝！”第二架飛機從大廈後頭出現，再次撞了上去。一切都彷佛在放慢動作一樣，爆炸餘波再次震動我們的大樓，爆炸產生的火球直接向我們衝過來。
   我心想：“這就是我的死法。”我們把員工召集起來，帶他們去樓梯那裡疏散。
   我在自己的座位停了一下，很快寫下一句話“我正在撤離大樓……”，然後發給網站編輯，不知道他們能否收到。

五十四、Brokedown Palace  避難之路

   Our staff left the building and ran toward the South Street Seaport. I remember thinking that in the worst case, we could dive in the East River and take our chances there.
 我們的員工離開辦公樓，向南街海港(South Street Seaport)跑去。我記得自己心裡已經做好最壞的打算，一旦情況不妙，就跳進東河聽天由命了。
    We overheard someone say that the Pentagon was attacked. The Pentagon? Weren't missiles supposed to shoot down anything that threatened that air space? 我們聽到有人在說，五角大樓遭到了襲擊。五角大樓？不是說一旦有東西威脅那裡的領空，就會有導彈將其擊落嗎？
    The Verizon switching center was damaged and we had no cell phones or Blackberries, no voice of reason to assuage our fears. We were, for all intents and purposes, cut off from the world.
Verizon公司的電話信號交換中心受損, 我們手頭沒有手機或黑莓(Blackberry)，沒有理性的聲音來緩解內心的恐慌。我們徹底與世隔絕了。
    I thought of friends who worked in the towers and resisted an urge to run to Ground Zero to find them. I was riddled with anxiety, but tried to put on a brave face to calm my shaken staff.
我想起在世貿中心上班的朋友，極力抑制住想跑去現場尋找他們的衝動。我心裡很着急，但臉上還是儘量保持鎮定，以安撫受到驚嚇的同事。
    The crumbling began with a whisper and grew to a growl as the first tower imploded. 世貿中心的第一棟大廈開始倒塌，吱呀聲很快就變成一片轟鳴。
    We were on an island unto ourselves in terms of location and communication, and naturally assumed another wave of attacks had begun. Everyone scrambled as hysteria broke out, scattering our personnel among thousands of confused people as the wave of white smoke approached.
無論是所處的位置還是與外界的溝通，我們都像在一座孤島上，很自然地認為這是下一波襲擊的開始。大家變得恐慌起來，四散而逃，沒入成千上萬困惑的人群中。此時，大廈倒塌後掀起的白色濃煙離我們越來越近。
    I'm not sure how firm partner Jeff Berkowitz and I found each other, but we somehow connected and ran along the river towards the FDR. I eyed the water to our right as a precaution; it was an option that I wanted to keep open as we broke into a sprint.
我不太清楚怎麼跟公司合伙人傑夫•伯克維茲碰到一起的，但我們倆還是會合了，並沿着河邊向羅斯福高速路跑去。我警惕地盯着右側的河流，隨時準備在快跑過程中跳入河中。
    Jeff offered a cab driver $500 to take him out of the city while I tried to calm a woman in the backseat who was on the verge of hyperventilating. Through her tears, she told me her boyfriend worked in an office that was high up in the towers. As I looked out the rear-view window and saw one of the towers already gone, I was at a loss for words.
傑夫給一個出租車司機500美元，讓他帶我們出城，而我試圖安慰汽車後座上一位驚慌得快要喘不上氣的婦女。她哭着告訴我，她男朋友在世貿中心的樓層高處上班。我從車後窗看出去，發現雙塔中的一棟已經不見了；此時，我一句話也說不出來。
    How could I ease her pain? What was happening to our country? Was it really happening at all?   我該怎麼安撫她的痛苦？我們的國家出了什麼事？這發生的一切都是真的嗎？
    I found my way to my home on 57th Street as lines formed at convenience stores. People were hoarding bottled water, canned food, flashlights and other necessities. I had none of that and I didn't care.
我找到了回57街自己家的路，看到便利店門前排起了長隊，人們在搶購瓶裝水、罐頭食品、手電筒和其他生活必需品。這些我都沒有，但我不在乎。
    I just wanted to find my family, my friends, myself. I needed to understand what happened and establish a framework of relativity, a place where I could begin to assess and digest my experience.
我只想找到自己的家人、朋友，和我自己。我需要明白髮生了什麼，構建一個相對的框架，一個能讓我好好想想這到底是怎麼一回事的地方。
    Thirty minutes later, my mother crashed through my front door and held me tighter than I've ever been held. The images on TV portrayed downtown Manhattan as a cloud of smoke, a disaster area with body parts strewn like yesterday's laundry on the bedroom floor.
半小時後，我媽媽從大門口衝進來，以從未有過的力度緊緊抱住我。在電視報導的畫面中，曼哈頓下城籠罩在濃煙當中，世貿中心附近一片狼藉，橫七豎八的屍體，就像是昨天沒洗的衣服亂扔在臥室地板上一樣。
    Friends began to gather at my apartment; five at first, then 10, then 20. It was the other side of disaster, a dose of humanity in a sea of horror, a refuge in a maze of confusion. 
朋友們開始聚集到我的公寓來，先是五個，然後十個，後來二十個。這裡遠離災難發生的地方，是亂世中的避難所，困惑中的心靈驛站。
 

五十五、Putting it on paper   忠實記錄

   I found myself at my living-room desk, looking for a semblance of normalcy and a familiar setting.  我來到起居室的書桌前，想找一些自己熟悉的東西，干一些平時做的事。
    Instinctively, I wrote this column, which was published on TheStreet.com:
     出於本能，我寫了下面這篇專欄文章，發表在TheStreet.com上。
   
The Day the World Changed 世界變天之日
   
      By Todd Harrison 作者：托德.哈里森
   
    09/11/2001 08:33 PM EDT 2001年9月11日，美國東部時間晚上8點33分。
   
    Numbness. Shock. Anger. Sadness. 麻木。震驚。憤怒。悲傷。
    As I sit here with family and friends, awaiting calls that may never come, I am drawn to my keyboard and I'm not quite sure why.
我和家人朋友坐在這裡，等待一些可能永遠不會打來的電話。我不由自主地敲打起電腦鍵盤，但不太清楚是為了什麼。
    Perhaps it's an attempt to somehow release the tremendous sadness that's locked inside me. Maybe I have hopes that sharing my grief will stop these images ... stop the shaking.   也許這是為了釋放緊鎖在內心深處的巨大悲傷，也許是希望通過宣泄來停止腦海中的那些畫面…停止身體的顫抖。
    It's ten hours after the fact, and I still feel the 'boom' that shook my trading room. 從事件發生到現在，已經過去了十個小時，但那震動整個交易室的“轟隆”聲依然迴蕩在我的耳邊。
    I can still see the bodies falling from the first struck tower, one after another, as we gathered by the window in shock and confusion.
我眼前依然浮現着我們擠到窗口，既震驚又困惑地往外眺望的那一幕，看到人們從第一棟被襲擊的世貿大廈上跳下來，一個接着一個。
    I can still hear the screams in my office 'Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!' as the second plane hit ... and the image of that fireball rolling toward us will forever be etched in my mind.  我彷佛還能聽到第二架飛機撞上去時，辦公室里一片“我的上帝！我的上帝！我的上帝！”的叫聲……那團火球向我們衝來的場景，將永遠銘刻在我的內心深處。
    I often write that 'this too shall pass,' but I will never be the same. Maybe that's a selfish thought, as tens of thousands of people won't have the opportunity to put this behind them.   我經常在文章里寫“一切都會過去的”，但今天過後，我將不再是以前的我。也是，這是一種自私的想法；畢竟，成千上萬人都沒有機會讓今天成為他們的記憶。
    Each time my phone rings and I hear the voice of a friend who I feared was lost, I break into tears.  每次電話鈴響, 我聽見一個害怕已經失去的朋友傳來的聲音, 都會喜極而泣。
    Every time I get a call from someone who 'just wanted to make sure' that I'm still here, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to share relationships, memories and a past. 每次有人打電話來，說“ 想看看你是否平安”，對我來說都是一種提醒，提醒自己有多幸運，還能在這裡享受友情，記憶和往事。
    I know many of you read my column to make money, but do yourself a favor and surround yourself with loved ones this evening.
我知道你們中有很多人看我的文章來賺錢，但今天晚上，為自己做一件事，讓你愛的人和愛你的人圍繞在你的身邊。
    Some of the wealthiest people I know don't have two dimes to rub together, and a few of them will never see their children, parents or friends again.
我認識的一些最富有的人，現在連拿兩枚硬幣彼此摩擦的機會都沒有了，有些人再也見不到他們的孩子、父母和朋友。
    More than anything else, I wish I'd kept my date to share a drink with my good friend at Cantor Fitz.
我最大的願望就是，我沒有爽掉與在Cantor Fitz做事的好友一起喝酒的約會。
    I was tired, opting to grab a good night's sleep rather than down a couple of apple martinis with my sage friend.
 當時，我覺得很累，想趕緊回家睡覺，而不是和那個老朋友一起喝幾杯蘋果馬提尼酒。
    I'm sitting by my phone, brother, waiting for your call.
   兄弟，我現在坐在電話機旁，等着你的電話。
    Drinks are on me.  下回喝酒，我請客。

五十六、Picking up the pieces  重新開始

    People who shared a similar experience dealt with their grief differently. Some left the business entirely, opting to enjoy a life where bells didn't bookend their days. Some married and others divorced as the specter of death shifted their path in life. Folks fell into drug and alcohol addictions with hopes that self-medication would dull their pain. 
即使有過相似的慘痛經歷，每個人對待悲哀的方式也會各不相同。有人選擇徹底離開這一行，享受一種每天不由開市、閉市鐘聲來定位自己的生活；有人結婚，有人離婚，因為死亡的陰霾改變了他們的人生軌跡；有人沉迷於毒品和酒精，希望這種自療方式能讓痛苦變得麻木。
    We each did what we could; we all did what we had to.
    每個人都盡力去做自己能做的事，以及自己不得不做的事。
    I was wrought with numb fortitude. I relied on instincts to make it from hour to hour and day to day. CNN asked me to appear on television that weekend. I didn't want to be in the public eye but as I digested the significance of what happened, I decided my message needed to be heard.
而我則麻木地繼續工作，依靠本能撐過每個小時，每一天。CNN邀請我那個周末上電視做節目，我本來不想出現在公眾面前，但仔細琢磨了這個事件的意義後，決定把自己的想法告訴大家。
    Stay calm, don't make emotional financial decisions and remain patient. The downdraft in equities when the market reopened would ultimately provide a better entry level than exit point.
保持鎮定，別因為情緒波動而做出財務決定，保持耐心。股市重開後的下跌最終將形成一個更好的進入平台，而非撤退出口。
    I arrived at the studio mentally prepared to communicate a coherent stream of thoughts. I'd been on television a few times before but I was noticeably nervous, not because of the national audience but because of what my mind and spirit tried to digest. I kept telling myself that Sept. 11 was just another day. Deep within, I knew it wasn't true.
我到拍攝現場時，腦子裡已有一套成形的想法。我以前上過幾次電視，但覺得這次特別緊張，不是因為要面對全國觀眾，而是因為我的全身心都在盡力消化的一切。我不斷告訴自己，9月11日只是人類歷史中的又一天而已，但在內心深處，我知道這不是真的。
    I sat in the green room talking to Senator Chuck Schumer before my segment, impressed by his poise and humility. He was a kind man with gentle eyes, a ray of hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. It was something. Anything.
上節目前，我坐在後台跟參議員查克.舒默(Chuck Schumer)交談，他的鎮定和謙遜令人印象深刻。他看上去很和藹，眼神溫和，彷佛是烏雲密布的天空中穿透出的一縷陽光。這很了不起，非常了不起。
    A producer ushered me to the roof where they were filming so downtown Manhattan could provide the backdrop. Smoke still billowed from Ground Zero and the putrid smell of burnt flesh and melted steel continued to haunt me.
一個製片人把我帶到天台，他們在這裡拍攝，將曼哈頓下城作為背景。世貿中心倒塌現場的煙霧仍未散去，人體燒焦的腐臭和鋼筋熔化的氣味還在不斷刺激我的嗅覺。
    They put a microphone on my lapel and began the countdown. At the last second, they told me they had to cut away to an emergency message from Donald Rumsfeld.
他們在我西裝翻領上裝了一個小麥克風，並開始拍攝的倒計時。最後一秒鐘時，他們告訴我必須臨時插播美國國防部長唐納德.拉姆斯菲爾德(Donald Rumsfeld)的緊急聲明。
    'Hey, if I'm getting bumped, at least it was for the Secretary of Defense,' I said forcing a smile at the producer, hoping that some levity would ease our obvious stress. There were no words in return, no acknowledgment, no eye contact. Everyone was in a state of shock, going through the motions but void of tangible presence.
“雖然緊急剎車，但至少是給國防部長讓路。”我擠出一個笑容，對製片人說道，希望一些幽默能緩和周圍顯而易見的壓力。沒人應答，沒人說話，沒有任何眼神的接觸。每個人都處于震驚當中，只是機械地做出動作，而沒有真實的情感反應。
    I walked home across town as volunteers raced towards the still smoldering remains of the World Trade Center. Many of my friends gave blood or assisted the fire department with moral support and words of encouragement. I never found my way downtown, perhaps a subconscious admission that I wasn't ready to face the new paradigm.
我走路回家，志願者們紛紛湧向還在燃燒的世貿廢墟。我的很多朋友主動獻血，或用精神支持和言語鼓勵為消防員們打氣。我想去世貿中心看看，但一直沒找到路，也許在潛意識中，我還沒有準備好面對新的華爾街。
    Instead, I focused on familiar escapes: the markets, our hedge fund and my writing.
 就這樣, 我把精力投入自己熟悉的東西：市場、我們的對沖基金, 還有寫作。
    Someone once said that something good comes from all things bad. While there was no way I could tell at the time, that one thing for me was perspective. It would be a long, painful and expensive lesson; one that almost left me littered on the side of the road. 
有人曾經說過：只有大風大浪過後，才能有微波蕩漾。這句話很有道理，但當時的我無從明白：我將經歷一個長期、慘痛和昂貴的教訓，幾乎讓我倒在路邊一蹶不振。
 

五十七、A new focus  新的焦點
   
The markets were closed for a week following Sept. 11 and that gave Jeff, Matt Jacobs and I an opportunity to map our strategy. We knew there would be a process of price discovery as there was no historical context to lean against and existing paradigms no longer applied.
911事件發生後，股市關閉了整整一周，這給傑夫、馬特、傑考伯和我一個商量下一步投資策略的機會。我們知道市場將經歷一個重新估值的過程，因為歷史上從沒有過這種先例，既定的格局不再具有適用性。
    'The market was very oversold heading into this event,' I told my partners as I pointed to numerous technical indicators. 'The selling panic will provide an opportunity to make some savvy purchases.'
 “這件事發生前，市場已處於強烈的超賣水平，”我指着各種技術指標對幾個合伙人說，“別人的瘋狂賣出將給精明的買家帶來機會。”
    I took comfort in the familiarity of my trading acumen, a lucidity and instinct I learned to trust. We were looking at large losses when the markets reopened and I knew the first snapshot of our P&L would be ugly.
我對自己交易直覺充滿信心，經歷過股市的起起伏伏，我已經學會信任這種敏銳的本能。重新開市時，我們基金的虧損巨大，我知道損益表第一眼瞧上去會很難看。
    To make matters worse, our office telephones were severed during the attack and we had no command center to execute our protocol. Jeff found a space in Rye Brook, an hour north of the city -- up to three hours during traffic -- and we set up shop.
屋漏偏逢連夜雨，辦公室的電話受這次事件的影響信號中斷，我們失去了執行交易策略的指揮部。傑夫在紐約北部的Rye Brook找到一個地方，離紐約有一小時的車程，堵車時可能要三小時。我們在那裡重設了交易室。
    Instead of eight screens and a telephone turret with direct lines to our brokers, we planned to take on the world with makeshift equipment. It wasn't optimal but it could have been worse -- a lot worse.
現在，我們沒有八台電腦屏幕，沒有通往券商的直線電話，要用臨時拼湊起來的設備應對整個市場。一切都談不上太好，但比上不足，比下有餘，畢竟我們還活着。
    We discussed swallowing a bitter pill once the markets opened and flattening our portfolio, which still would have been up close to 10% for the year.
我們幾個談過重新開市後割肉清倉的可能性，即使這樣做，我們當年的收益還有接近10%。
    'Ten percent isn't shabby,' one of us opined. 'Our investors will understand that given what we've been through, we need to retrench before assuming new and different risk.'
“百分之十不算差，”我們中有個人說，“投資者會理解的，畢竟發生了這種事情。我們得養精蓄銳，然後再去承擔新的、不同的風險。”
    The decision was finally made. 'We'll be ready.' I grabbed my rifle, dove into the foxhole and readied to shoot on sight. 
 最後，大家做出決定。“開始戰鬥！”我抓起來福槍，衝進散兵坑，隨時準備射擊。

五十八、遭受損失

  第二周，股市重新開始交易，很快就讓我們基金來之不易的利潤少掉了4%。我們連第一筆交易都沒來得及執行，一眨眼的功夫，百分之四的利潤沒了。
   市場打過來的重拳讓我們應接不暇，被搞得傷痕累累。每一個刺拳都很痛，每一個勾拳都意味着七位數的損失。我們用盡一切力量反擊，晚上回到角落休息時，身家性命全都留在了拳擊場內。
   我不想睡覺。一閉上眼睛就會做噩夢，讓我猛然驚醒，回到自己不願接受的現實。一種負疚感開始在我內心滋生開來。
   別人失去了那麼多東西，我還有什麼可煩惱的？為什麼白天我戴上勇敢的面具，對內面對員工，對外面對TheStreet.com的讀者，晚上卻會哭泣不止？要過多久我才能放下這一切，到時候內心的痛苦之火是否會把我整個人全部燒掉？
   我寫文章表達自己的觀點，認為股市經過初期的大跌後會迅速反彈。在Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金，我們也按同樣的思路進行交易，小心選擇股票，根據價格情況逐步建倉。
   歷史驗證了我的觀點，但反彈前的低迷時間卻比我的預期長得多，市場下跌的深度也要大得多。我們基金的收益率回落到只有四五個百分點；我真想給自己狠狠捅上一刀，體驗那種痛苦的感覺，因為覺得自己罪有應得。基金遭受的損失雖然巨大，但跟我內心承受的煎熬相比，就顯得蒼白多了。
   有人曾經對我說過，能量不會憑空創造出來，也不會憑空消亡，只是從一種形式轉化為另一種形式。
   當時我並不知道，這一轉化過程早已開始。

Losses absorbed

The market opened the following week and quickly chopped 4% from our hard-earned gains. Four percent, just like that, before our first trade was executed.
We were battered and bruised but took every punch the market threw. Each jab was painful. Each hook cost seven figures. We fought with everything we had and left it all in the ring before returning to our respective corners at night.
I didn't want to sleep -- every time I closed my eyes, the nightmares jolted me back to a reality I didn't want to accept. The feelings of guilt began to build.
How could I be so upset when others lost so much more? Why did I cry each night after putting on a brave face, internally for my staff and externally on TheStreet.com? How long would I be able to shoulder this load when I was melting from the inside out?
I wrote columns expressing my opinion that equities would rebound sharply after the initial plunge. We operated with the same plan at Cramer Berkowitz, carefully picking our spots and adding layers of exposure as a function of price.
History validated my view but it took much longer -- and the market fell much farther -- than I thought it would. Our performance slid into the mid-single digits and I twisted the knife into myself, wanting to suffer, somehow feeling I deserved it. As consuming as our losses were, they paled in comparison to the gaping wound that opened in my soul.
Someone once told me that energy isn't created or destroyed, it simply transfers from one form to another.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, that process was already in motion.

五十九、再次提筆

   Following the dislocation after Sept. 11, our makeshift Rye Brook office was located next to a small airport. Every time a private plane took off, everyone instinctively ducked as jet engines shook our temporary home. 
經歷了911事件的極端混亂後，我們臨時搬到Rye Brook辦公。這個地方位於一個小型機場附近，每次有私人飛機起飛，引擎的聲浪就會震動這個臨時避難所，大家本能地彎腰低頭，想要找地方躲起來。
    It was an anxious and tenuous time, but there was no quit in us despite the freefall that occurred in the market and, by extension, our performance.
這是一段焦慮而無助的日子。雖然股市大跳水，基金業績直線下跌，但我們不甘心就此認輸。
    I wrote all day, every day, while at the same time, trying to steady our fund. Jeff never said a word about my dual role -- he knew Jim wanted me to write and perhaps that had something to do with his patience.
我每天、每時每刻都在寫作，同時儘可能穩住公司基金的表現。傑夫從沒對我這種雙重職責說過什麼─一方面，他知道吉姆想讓我寫專欄文章；另一方面，他本人的耐心品質應該也起到了一些作用。
    When I wasn't trading, I wrote; when I wasn't writing, I thought about what to trade or what I should write.
我不交易的時候，就寫東西；不寫東西的時候，就想着該交易點什麼，或該寫點什麼東西。
    I told my readers we would get through it together and carried both roles for a few weeks before the load was heavier than I could bear. I slept three or four hours each night, if that. Given my persistent nightmares, I wasn't sure that was a bad thing.
我告訴讀者會和他們共度難關，並把這個雙重角色堅持了好幾個星期，直到自己被工作壓得喘不上氣來。我每天只睡三到四個小時，有時甚至還不到。不過，那段時間我老做噩夢，所以睡得少也不一定是件壞事。
    I had a fiduciary responsibility to my investors and that, more than anything else, prompted me to pick up the phone. I called TheStreet.com's editor-in-chief, Dave Morrow, and told him we needed to talk. I desperately needed to make a change.
我對基金投資者擔負着資金的受託責任，這比任何事情都重要。於是我給TheStreet.com的總編戴夫.莫洛(Dave Morrow)打電話，說想跟他談談。我急需做出轉變。
    'This is difficult for me to say,' I said, 'But I can't write 10-12 daily columns anymore. I give you my word that I'll do whatever I can but that probably means no more than four to five columns each day.'
“這件事難以啟齒，”我說，“可我再也不能每天寫10到12篇專欄文章了，我答應你還會盡力而為，但每天最多只能寫四五篇。”
    'No problem,' he assured me with a southern twang, 'We understand and appreciate whatever you can do.'
“沒問題，”他用帶着些南方口音的腔調說，“我們理解，能做多少做多少吧，還是很感謝你。”
    I hung up the phone and felt relieved, yet guilty, as I knew my readers would be upset. I went home that night and wrote a heartfelt, honest column called 'The Passing of the Torch.'
 我掛上電話，覺得心裡放下一塊大石頭，但又有些內疚。我知道讀者會不高興，於是晚上回家寫了篇真誠懇切的文章，題目是“傳遞火炬”。
    I wrote hundreds of articles for TheStreet.com but that column was a particularly tender message. I spent hours manicuring the vernacular, combing through each word so the message would come through loud and clear: I'm here for you but I will ask for patience as I get my life, my firm and myself to a place of relative balance and stability.
我為TheStreet.com寫了幾百篇文章，但這篇寫得格外情真意切。我花好幾個小時斟酌詞句，反覆推敲，讓文中傳達的訊息更加清晰和明確：讀者朋友，我還在這裡陪你們，但請給我一點時間，允許我把生活、公司和自己恢復到一個相對平衡和穩定的狀態。
    The column carried a difficult message with truth and trust. I sent it to the editors and prepared myself for the influx of e-mails that would surely arrive the next day. But the article never posted, the first time that ever happened.
這篇文章傳遞的訊息令人難以接受，但一字一句都伴隨着真誠和信任。我把它發給編輯，並做好心理準備，明天一定會收到如潮水般湧來的電子郵件。然而，這篇文章根本沒有發表。這還是第一次。
    I called Dave and he told me the readers couldn't handle another loss. 'They already lost Bill Meehan,' he said, referring to my friend and co-columnist who was in the North tower and died in the attack. 'They can't afford to lose you as well.'
 我給戴夫打電話，他告訴我讀者無法再承受另一個損失。“他們已經失去了比爾.米漢(Bill Meehan)。”他說。比爾是我朋友，也是TheStreet.com的專欄作者，在世貿中心北樓上班，不幸死於911襲擊事件。“他們不能再失去你。”

六十、Bluffing with jokers  互不讓步 
   
Jim wrote in his first book, 'Confessions of a Street Addict,' that I was wildly emotional except when there was money to be made, at which point I was as cold as Saturn. The same mindset applied to this time in my life when, despite valid reasons for incoherence, I was as lucid as I've ever been.
吉姆在他的第一本書《華爾街癮君子的自白》中寫道，我這個人非常情緒化，但在要賺錢的時候又冷靜得像塊石頭。此時也不例外。雖然有理由做出一些妥協，但我還是表現出前所未有的冷靜和強硬。
    I gave my heart and soul to TheStreet.com and expected some latitude in return. Given where my head was at the time, I was in no mood to play games. I explained to my editors: 'This is life -- this is the world we lived in -- I want my column posted as it was written, as the readers deserved to hear it.'
我把全身心投入到TheStreet.com上，作為回報，我希望對文章有一些自主權，能就事論事地交流觀點，沒心情跟人玩兜圈子的遊戲。我曾經對編輯們解釋過：“這就是真實的生活─世界就是這個樣子─我希望我 的文章能按原樣發表，讀者有權聽到我的真實聲音。”
    It wasn't simply a function of respect; it was the right thing to do. I forged trust with my readers through good times and bad and prided myself on my name and word. I hadn't gone to the bathroom in a year and a half without communicating it to my readership. 
這不僅是出於對讀者的尊重，也是一件正確的事。經歷股市的起起落落後，我和讀者之間建立起一種互信關係，十分看重自己的名譽和說出來的言論。這一年半來，我連上個廁所都要事先發帖子告訴讀者，免得他們在電腦前焦急地等待。
    Morrow wouldn't budge and repeatedly told me that the column wouldn't post. My patience wore thin and I told him that he had two choices -- post my column as it was written and I would continue to write whenever I could. Or he could sit on my column and I would tender my resignation immediately.
莫洛不肯讓步，不停地對我說，這篇文章不能發表。我漸漸失去耐心，告訴莫洛他有兩個選擇：要麼把我寫好的東西第一時間發出去，這樣我還會繼續寫專欄文章；要麼就一拍兩散，我馬上就辭職。
    After a tense exchange of words, Dave would not relent. I watched the crimson array of flickering ticks on my screens, weighing his words.
經過激烈的短兵交接，戴夫還是不願退後。我看着屏幕上不斷閃動的報價，心裡在權衡他說的話。
    'Dave, this isn't about my ego or page views,' I said. 'This is about trust. If I leave, I'm not coming back.'
“戴夫，這跟我的自尊或頁面瀏覽量無關，”我說，“這事關信任，如果我走了，就不會再回來。”
    I didn't want to leave and secretly hoped he would back down. But for me, in the midst of million-dollar swings, nervous employees, stressed partners and lost friends, bartering with an editor -- and no contract -- wasn't a source of stress.
其實我不想離開，暗自希望他能讓步。但對我來說，現在組合損益以數百萬美元的幅度上下波動，員工焦躁不安，合伙人壓力巨大，而且最近還失去了不少朋友；因此，跟一個編輯扯皮─而且雙方還沒有簽署合同─根本就談不上什麼壓力。
    'You won't resign,' he said boldly, 'You want to be the next Jim Cramer!'
    “你不會辭職的，”他咄咄逼人地說，“你想成為下一個吉姆.克萊默！”
    'No, Dave,' I said matter-of-factly, 'All I ever wanted to be was Todd Harrison.'      “不，戴夫，”我一字一句地說，“我只想做托德.哈里森。”
    The phone sat silent as he weighed his options.
     電話那端沉默了，他也在權衡得失。
    'Listen Todd,' he said, 'Don't make an emotional decision. This has been a rough few weeks for you.'
     “聽着，托德，”他說，“別做衝動的決定，我知道這幾個星期你的日子不好過。”
    He was right but I didn't respond, opting instead to wait for his next move.
    他說得對，但我沒有回答，而是在等他的下文。
    'We're not going to run the column. I'm the editor-in-chief, it's my decision and this is what I've decided.'
    “我們不會發這篇專欄，我是主編，有權做出決定，這就是我的決定。”
    'I quit,' I told him without a trace of emotion. 'I wish you the best of luck.'
     “那我就不幹了，”我不帶任何感情色彩地說道，“祝你好運。”
      His response was one that I'll never forget. 他的回答讓我一輩子都忘不了。
      'Congratulations, Todd,' he said. 'You'll never write in this town again.'
     “恭喜你，托德，”他說，“在這個城市，你再也沒有發表文章的機會了。”
      He slammed down the phone as I turned to Jeff and locked eyes. I was purely a trader again and a part of me was considerably relieved by the lesser load.
     他把電話掛斷，我回過身，對上傑夫的眼神。現在我又成為一名純粹的交易員，有一部分自己在為卸下重擔而感到雀躍。
     Somewhere in the back of Jeff's mind, I'm quite certain he was as well. 
      我非常清楚，在傑夫的內心深處，他也為此感到高興。