四十一、新的麻烦

  It would be easy to dislike Jim Cramer if he didn't have that childlike giddiness to him.  如果吉姆.克莱默的脾气不像小孩子那样阴晴不定，要讨厌他还真是不容易。
    His warmth and generosity were treasures, and when they appeared, animosity magically dissipated into a melting pot of goodwill. I didn't understand the mood swings at first but when I finally did, it was with empathy rather than acrimony.
热情和慷慨是他性格中的闪光点，当这些品质表现出来时，剑拔弩张的气氛就会神奇地烟消云散，变得其乐融融。起初我不理解他那种突兀的情绪转变，最后摸到他脾气之后，更多的则是理解，而不是怨恨。
    It was the middle of the trading day and we actively moved merchandise back and forth, steadily filling our coffers with profits. I can't tell you exactly where the averages were, but suffice it to say the mood on the desk was intense as the market slid down a slippery slope.    某一个交易日，我们正积极地在商业板块杀进杀出，稳步积累利润。我不能确切说出我们仓位的平均成本，但可以感觉到，随着市场进入快速下跌通道，交易席位上的气氛紧张起来。
    'Hello, can I speak to Todd Harrison please?' the voice on the other end of the phone asked.     “你好，托德.哈里森在吗？”电话那头有个声音说道。
    After a brief exchange, the bomb dropped. The call was from the Maui Correctional Facility regarding my father, who managed to dig himself into a deep hole.       短暂的交谈带来一个坏消息。电话是夏威夷毛伊岛监狱(Maui Correctional Facility)打来的，我爸爸惹了大麻烦。
    As I sat back in my chair and listened to a person I didn't know, I discovered my father was homeless, abusing drugs and in solitary confinement. It had been 10 years since we last spoke.    我陷在椅子里，听着一个陌生人说话，得知自己的父亲成了流浪汉，吸毒，现在被关在监狱的单人囚室里。我已经十年没跟父亲说过话了。
    Ten years. A lot happened in my life during that time and evidently, a lot happened to him as well.
十年。很显然，十年间我的生活发生了很多变化，他也是。
    As the head trader of a large trading operation, I was intellectually agile and able to make quick, emotionless decisions. On that random day in 2000, I was suddenly numb to the flickering ticks that surrounded me.     作为一个大型交易部门的首席交易员，我思维敏锐，能迅速做出决策，不受个人情绪的干扰。但在2000年的那一天，我突然对身边闪烁着的市场报价视若无睹。
    Immediately sensing something was wrong, Jim motioned me to his office behind him.     吉姆立马觉得有什么事不对劲，示意我进他身后的办公室。
    I walked into the glass-enclosed room and sat on the couch across from his desk. Jeff filed in behind me and asked what happened. I explained the situation, or at least what I knew of it. Jim didn't skip a beat.      我走进玻璃隔间，坐在他办公桌对面的沙发上。杰夫跟着走进来，问我出了什么事。我把情况说了，至少是我所了解的情况。吉姆留神听着，立刻出了主意。
    'Go to Maui,' he said, 'Go take care of what you need to take care of.' “去毛伊岛一趟，”吉姆说，“照顾好该照顾的人。”
    I'll never forget that moment. We were in a dogfight in the middle of a financial implosion and the most competitive person I knew urged me to go to Hawaii. By the time I digested what he suggested, he was already on the phone making calls on my behalf.
那个时刻我永生难忘。金融市场动荡不安，我们疲于奔命，而工作最狂热的一个人居然催我去夏威夷。等我咂摸过味儿来，他已经在帮我打电话了。
    He contacted an investor in our fund who had connections in Hawaii. By the end of the day, I retained one of the most respected lawyers in Maui and had flights scheduled.      吉姆联系了一个在夏威夷有熟人的基金投资者。到下班的时候，我已经约好毛伊岛最有名的一名律师，订好了飞机票。
    All that was left was to face my father and conquer my demons. 
    现在唯一要做的就是面对父亲，跟自己做斗争。 

四十二、The other side of the rainbow  彩虹背面
   
Not wanting to take the trip alone, I asked my brother to join. Two days later, Adam and I landed in Maui and drove straight to the lawyer's office.
我不想一个人去，于是叫上哥哥同行。两天后，我和亚当(Adam)抵达毛伊岛，直接前往律师事务所。
    We had both given up on our dad but felt compelled to do something. He was our father and we were his last line of defense. 我们俩都对父亲不抱什么指望，但还是觉得应该做点什么。毕竟，他是我们的爸爸，我们是他最后的依靠。
    The attorney filled us in on the situation. Our father, homeless for years, panhandled on the street and wore out his welcome wherever he went. He was arrested for impersonating a police officer and once in jail, attacked one of the guards, who beat him senseless and stuffed him in solitary confinement.
律师介绍了情况。我们的父亲流浪多年，在街上行乞，每到一个地方，最后都变得不受欢迎。他曾因假冒警察被捕，又在狱中袭击一名狱警，那个狱警把他痛打了一顿，并把他关了禁闭。
    We were told our father smeared blood all over his cell in an act of defiance. It was, and remains, surreal.    我们得知，父亲为表示抗议，在单人囚室的 上涂满了自己的鲜血。当时这听起来很离奇，现在想起来还是一样。
    The following morning, we sat in the Maui courthouse and awaited arraignment. As the judge called the session to order, the bailiff led a string of defendants into the room.    第二天早上，我们坐在毛伊岛法院里等待父亲被提讯。法官开庭后，法警把一连串被告带了进来。
    I couldn't find my father. The orange jumpsuits looked the same and the chains that bound them together distracted me. I scanned the group twice and focused on a gaunt man in the middle of the pack with gangly facial hair and tattoos.    我找不到自己的父亲。橘黄色的囚服千篇一律，把他们串在一起的铁链让我心神不宁。我扫视了两遍，最后把目光聚焦在队伍中间一个枯瘦憔悴的男人身上，他胡子拉扎，刺着纹身。
    His emotionless eyes rose to mine and I saw the man I once knew -- the man who abandoned our family, the man who proudly drove a Ferrari as a sign of arrival, the man who moved to Hawaii to find his piece of paradise. He was broken and had hit rock bottom.    他目光空洞的眼睛向我看来，我再次见到了曾经熟悉的那个人─那个遗弃我们全家的人，那个曾经开着一辆法拉利呼啸而来的人，那个到夏威夷寻找天堂的人。而现在，他身无分文，一败涂地。
    Over the course of the week, Adam and I jockeyed between scattered locations throughout Maui and picked up the pieces of his displaced life. The other side of paradise, we discovered, was a harsh place indeed.
那个星期，我和亚当开车转遍了毛伊岛，去父亲呆过的地方看看。我们发现，在天堂的角落里，日子是那么艰难。
    It was a trail of debt, desperation and dereliction, and it seemingly had no end.  他过的是一段债务缠身、绝望无助和遭人唾弃的生活，而且似乎永远看不到头。
    Our father joined a cult and signed away his life's possessions. Once banished, he wandered the island in search of handouts. He waded through the resorts, pretending to be part of a seminar so he could get hot coffee and a roll. His golden retriever Bubba fetched rocks from the ocean in return for loose change from tourists.   父亲加入了一个邪教组织，把一辈子的积蓄捐献出来。被邪教赶出来后，他在岛上流浪，靠乞讨度日。他走进度假村，假装参加那里举办的会议，只求能喝上一杯热咖啡，吃上一个面包卷。他让自己养的一条黄毛猎犬布巴(Bubba)去海里捡鹅卵石，从游客那里换来几个零钱。
    We drove from one situation to the next, like mice in a maze, unsure of what we would find next. Our father had thousands of dollars of debt and owed people favors, many of who looked at us to settle up. We also discovered he was a sick man who suffered through many years of undetected and untreated bipolar disorder.     我们开车从一个地方到另一个地方，就像被困在迷宫里的两只老鼠，不知道下一刻会发现什么。父亲背了好几千美元的债务，还欠下不少人情，很多人都指望我们能帮他了结。我们还发现，他是个病人，多年来一直患有躁郁症，但没人注意到，也没人给他治疗。
    That, more than anything else, stuck out in my mind.
    尤其是最后这一点，让我感觉心如刀绞。
    He was a sick man. 他是个病人。
    During our last day in Maui, Adam and I visited our father in jail. He had tears in his eyes as he apologized for everything he did and didn't do. My mind wandered to birthdays spent staring at the phone. It had been an emotional week, one that opened wounds I thought were closed.    在毛伊岛的最后一天，我和亚当去监狱看望父亲。他含着泪，为自己所做的一切和没有做到的一切向我们道歉。我不禁回忆起自己过生日时，在电话机旁边苦等爸爸电话的情景。那一周，我经历了情绪的剧烈波动，那些我以为结痂的创伤，再次流出了鲜血。
    As we sat in his cell, he broke down and told us he had nothing to live for. My brother took from his pocket a picture of his two children, my niece and nephew, and handed it to our dad. 'This is what you have to look forward to,' he said, his gesture catching me off guard.    我们坐在他囚室里，他整个人都崩溃了，说自己再也没有活下去的目标。我哥哥从口袋里掏出一张照片，上面是他的两个孩子，也就是我的侄子和侄女。哥哥把照片交给父亲。“这就是你活下去的目标。”他说。这个表态让我意外。
    'Yes, dad,' I continued, 'If you stay clean, I'll help you get back on track, pay off your debts, find a home...I'll help you meet your grandchildren.'
“是的，爸爸。”我把话头接过去，“只要你告别过去，我会帮你重新开始，帮你还债，找一间房子…让你和自己的孙子孙女见面。”
    I could see the guards watching from the corner of my eye and I wanted them to soak it in. Perhaps they would think twice about beating him if they knew that he was a father and a grandfather.    我眼角的余光发现狱警在看这边，而且也希望他们听到这些交谈。也许当他们知道这个囚犯是个父亲和祖父时，动手打他前能够三思而后行。
    I'll never forget the last thing he said to me before we left. 'Relax, son, you have to enjoy life. You never know when a plane will fall out of the sky and ruin your day.'       我永远忘不了离别时他对我说的最后一句话：“活得轻松点，儿子，人有旦夕祸福，要学会多享受生活。”
    I gave him my word I would return in one year to resume our relationship as a strange emotion washed over my body, one of relief.
 我向他保证，自己一年后会来看他，让一切从头开始。这时，我心头涌上一股奇怪的感情，似乎有个结解开了。
    He was a sick man, I again thought to myself.
    他是个病人，我在心里再次对自己说。
    It wasn't my fault.  但这不是我的错。 

四十三、Fitting the pieces together  原来如此
   
On the one side of my life, there was this volatile man who swung between depths of despair and heights of mania. On the other, there was my father, who suffered from bi-polar disorder and exacerbated his illness by self-medicating. 在我的生命中，有这样一个男人。一方面，他情绪极端波动，一会儿沮丧得彻底绝望，一会儿狂躁得歇斯底里；另一方面，我有个患躁郁症的父亲，因为不看医生自己瞎吃药，病情越来越重。
    As I discussed my father's diagnosis with Jim, he made a startling revelation. Cramer, as brilliant as he was, with his photographic memory and uncanny ability to retain information, suffered from a similar disorder. Jim assured me it could be treated with proper medication and offered a few suggestions. That's when the connection crystallized.    
我跟吉姆讨论父亲的诊断结果，他告诉我一个令人吃惊的消息。吉姆.克莱默才华横溢，拥有过目不忘的记忆力和极强吸收信息的能力，但他也患有类似的病症。吉姆向我保证，这种疾病通过正确的用药可以有所缓解，并提供了一些建议。至此，我才明白吉姆的情绪为何如此大起大落。
    Their lives were entirely different but a common denominator existed that bound them and by extension, me. Perhaps Jim's condition should have been more apparent but it's not something one looks for. The line between genius and madness is simply one of acceptance.
吉姆和我父亲过着截然不同的生活，但有一样共同的东西将他们联系起来，也就是我。也许我们早该发现吉姆患有躁郁症，但谁会往那方面想呢？天才与疯子之间的区别，只在于你的主观立场。
    I wasn't angry or upset. In fact, following the awareness of my dad's affliction and Jim's benevolent efforts to help me navigate it, I developed newfound respect for the man I danced with daily. We connected in a way that is tough to describe; I got him and I suppose he got me.
我不再因吉姆的脾气而生气沮丧。事实上，经过父亲这件事，再加上吉姆从中给予的热心帮助，我对这个每日共舞的人油然而生了一种全新的尊重。我们俩以一种难以描述的纽带联系在一起，我理解他，我觉得他也理解我。
    I also realized that much like my father, his emotional swings weren't always preceded with conscience intent. As his friend, I found myself rooting for his happiness and well-being. As his partner tasked with managing $400 million of risk, we continued to battle over every dollar in our ever-changing P&L.
我还意识到，和父亲的情况一样，吉姆的情绪波动往往并不针对任何人。作为他的朋友，我希望他快乐健康。作为和他共同管理四亿美元资金的合伙人，我们继续为损益表上的每一块钱利润浴血奋战。
    The constant vacillation took a toll, tangibly and intangibly, as we edged through 2000. Every day was a game of mental chess and we knew how to push each other's buttons, rarely if ever missing an opportunity to do so. Admittedly, my empathy sometimes took a back seat to the frustration that surrounded his seemingly haphazard decision-making.
在吉姆的喜怒无常中，2000年就这样过去了。情绪波动总会带来损失，不管是有形的还是无形的。每天都像是在下一局棋，我们知道彼此的脾气，几乎从不错过任何让对方难受的机会。我也承认，虽然自己对吉姆多了一份理解，但有时也会被他那些似乎很随意的决策搞得非常恼火。
    There were two movies playing at the same time. The online relationship -- where a loyal following watched our stylistic friction -- drew huge traffic for TheStreet.com. Inside the office, as we raced towards our payday, the never-ending soap opera repeated itself on a daily basis.
谈到我们俩的关系，似乎有两部电影在同时播放。一个是网上的针锋相对，一大群忠实读者在看我们俩意见相左的投资观点，从而给TheStreet.com.带来巨大的访问量。一个是在公司内部，我们肩并肩共同赚钱，每天上演着一幕永不间断的肥皂剧。
    Our lead over the mainstay averages continued to grow and we were up 20-something percent, 40% higher than our benchmark. Still, the success was bittersweet, as nothing seemed to satiate the intense desire to lengthen our lead. 我们基金的表现高于主流，并越来越好，投资回报率平均水平20%以上，超越基准40%。不过，成功的背后也是酸甜苦辣咸五味俱全，因为我们渴望保持领先地位，永远都不满足于现有的成绩。
    In the back of my mind, I reminded myself of a subtle yet important fact. Our gains were on paper and didn't matter until they were locked and loaded; I wasn't getting paid until Jim signed the check.     在内心深处，我提醒自己一个隐约但又非常重要的事实。除非及时兑现收益，否则一切都是纸上富贵。直到吉姆在工资支票上签字前，我还拿不到利润分成，
    After my experiences at Morgan Stanley and Galleon, I wasn't about to take anything for granted.    有过在摩根斯坦利和Galleon的经历后，我已经变得非常现实。 

四十四、股市肥皂剧

   It was late 2000 and we were still riding high at Cramer Berkowitz when Jim Cramer asked if I would join him at TheStreet.com conference, followed by dinner with Gene Hackman. 
2000年下半年，Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金的表现依然出众，吉姆.克莱默问我能不能陪他去参加TheStreet.com的会议，晚上再跟金.哈克曼(Gene Hackman)一起吃饭。
    I jumped at the opportunity to break bread with one of my favorite actors and told him I would go if I didn't have to make a presentation. Writing was one thing but speaking in front of thousands of people wasn't something that interested me. He promised me I wouldn't have to and so I happily tagged along.
金.哈克曼是我最喜欢的男演员之一，很期待能和他共进晚餐。我告诉吉姆，只要不让我在会上演讲就行。写东西是一回事，但在几千人面前讲话是另一回事，我可不感兴趣。吉姆答应了，于是我很高兴地陪他前往。
    The grand ballroom at the Marriott World Trade Center was packed; I had never seen anything like it. Investors swarmed Jim during the cocktail hour looking for stock picks. My nametag remained in my pocket as I tried to remain invisible.       纽约万豪世贸中心酒店(Marriott World Trade Center)人头攒动，我从没见过这种场面。鸡尾酒会期间，投资者把吉姆围个水泄不通，请他帮忙选股。我把胸卡放在口袋里，希望不会引起别人的注意。
    Jim gave the keynote as the audience furiously scribbled tickers on their notepads. I watched him work the room. He's good, I thought to myself, a masterful marketer.     吉姆做了主题发言，听众们疯狂地在笔记本上记录着上市公司代码。我看着吉姆让自己成为全场的焦点，他很棒，我对自己说，是个营销大师。
    During the Q&A that followed his speech, someone asked a question about option pricing. 演讲之后是问答环节，有人提出一个关于期权定价的问题。
    'You know,' he began, 'I can answer that but I have someone in the room who trades options better than anyone. You all know my head trader, Todd-o 'Cookie' Harrison, right? Why don't we have Todd come up here? Whaddya say, Todd-o?'     “嗯，”他说，“我能回答这个问题，但现场还有一个人，期权交易做得比谁都好。你们都知道我的首席交易员‘曲奇饼’托德.哈里森吧？为什么不让他来回答这个问题呢？怎么样，托德？”
    My stomach tied in a knot as a few people began to clap. Before long, the entire audience gave a standing ovation. I had no choice -- no longer was I invisible -- I slowly walked onstage, answered the question and fielded several more before returning to my seat.    有几个人带头鼓起掌来，我觉得自己的胃都要痉挛了。很快，全场都站起来鼓掌，我别无选择，再也当不成隐形人，只能慢慢走上台，回答了好几个问题，才能回到自己的座位上。
    When the conference concluded, I desperately had to use the men's room but quickly realized it would be tough to get there. Within minutes, I was surrounded. There were eight, maybe 10 people deep, circling me like a bulls-eye on an archery target.     会议结束后，我急着想去上厕所，但很快就意识到这不太容易。短短几分钟内，我就被人群包围起来，身边有八九个人紧紧围着，把我弄得就像靶子上的靶心一样。
    'What do you think of Cisco?' “你觉得思科怎么样？”
    'What's your favorite financial short?' “你最看空哪只金融股？”
    'Where will the S&P end this year?' “年底标普500会收在什么点位？”
    I was overwhelmed -- I didn't have time to digest one question before being pelted with another, and I still had to pee.   我被搞得晕头转向，还没来得及消化一个问题，第二个就接踵而至，而我还急着要去上厕所。
    I looked over and saw Gene Hackman checking his watch. When a two-time Academy Award winning actor is standing alone and a head trader is mobbed like a film star, there's something very wrong with the mainstream mindset. This stock-market movie was not going to end well. 
我从人们的肩头望出去，看到金.哈克曼在看手表。一个获得两届奥斯卡奖的演员孤零零地站在一边，而一个首席交易员却像影星一样被围得水泄不通，这里头一定有什么东西很不对头，看来这场股市肥皂剧不会有什么太好的结局。 

四十五、  Moment of truth  灵光闪现
   
Jim's partner, Jeff Berkowitz, was at the First Boston conference in late November feeding us tremendous insight. After 10 years of friendship and 11 months of close-knit interaction, he and I arrived at a place of intuitiveness where I executed upon his thoughts before words were ever exchanged.
这一年的11月底，吉姆的合伙人杰夫.伯科威兹(Jeff Berkowitz)去参加第一波士顿举办的会议，跟我们沟通了一个很重要的市场观点。经过10年的友谊和11个月抱成一团的合作关系，我们俩已经达到心意相通的程度。他用不着跟我说得很清楚，我就能把他内心的交易想法执行到位。
    It was a thing of beauty, a rhythm that bridged his analytical reasoning with the innards of my trading gut. We were everything a hedge fund was supposed to be and more.    这是一种美妙的感觉，他的分析推理能力与我的交易直觉结合得天衣无缝。我们是任何一个对冲基金都梦寐以求的那种完美组合。
    As Jeff shared his bearish inclinations on Microsoft Corp. from the hallway of the conference, I was on the horn with Deutsche Bank, which had a large vanilla buyer of the common stock. I was looking for an excuse to take a short position in 'Mr. Softee,' and Jeff delivered it in spades.
杰夫站在会场外头的走廊里跟我打电话，说他现在看空微软公司。我刚好在和德意志银行联系，他们有个客户持有大量的微软普通股，我正想找机会做空一下“软件先生”(Mr. Softee)，杰夫的电话来得恰到好处。
    Bang! We're short 'two-fitty' (250,000 shares) and covered it down a buck.
    砰！我们卖空“250手”(25万股)，微软股价下跌1美元。
    Zing! Puts were flowing like water in and out of our green portfolio.
    呼！看跌期权交易像水一样在我们已经盈利的组合中流进流出。
    Pow! Another facial tick by Microsoft CFO John Connors and we tossed a few hundred thousand back out.
   噗！微软首席财务官约翰.康纳斯的脸部又痉挛一下, 我们又卖空几十万股。
    We had yet to eat lunch and Mr. Softee alone netted us close to $3 million.
    还没等到午饭时间，我们在“软件先生”身上就已经赚了将近300万美元。
    And it wasn't just Microsoft, as we hosted a profit party that day at the hallowed halls of Cramer Berkowitz. We opened our stance and took a full cut, pocketing money across the board in tech. We traded so much merchandise with so many brokers, my team barely had time to input positions into our systems.
当天，我们在Cramer Berkowitz公司空旷的大厅内举办了一场赚钱庆祝会。此时，我们卖空的不只是微软公司，而是摆出全面作战的架势，将多头仓位清空，卖空整个技术板块。我们和众多券商进行了那么多的交易，我的团队几乎都没时间在系统内输入交易仓位。
    It was the definition of fluidity as our P&L grew from $3 million to $4 million, and then up to $5 million.    这就是所谓的顺风顺水，我们的损益表从300万美元的盈利上升到400万，然后是500万美元。
    As the close approached, I felt a great sense of satisfaction. We played to win and exhibited the discipline that is the hallmark of any great trading operation. It would have been a perfect session if not for the tiny landmine nestled between the sheets.             随着闭市的临近，我感到一种巨大的满足感。我们的目标就是成为赢家，并展现出了任何一个伟大的交易机构所特有的那种投资纪律和水准。要不是交易清单里埋藏着一个小小的地雷，这简直就是一个完美的交易日。
    You see, in the midst of those multiple, seven-figure wins was a 20,000-share position in the computer storage company Brocade. It was one of the best performing stocks at the time and as an extension, one of Jim's favorites as well. I hadn't even seen him slip a position on the sheets.
你看，在好几个盈利达到七位数的空头仓位中，有一个2万股卖空计算机存储公司Brocade的单子。这是当时表现最好的股票之一，也是最受吉姆青睐的，我还从没在交易清单上看见他卖出过Brocade。
    After the bell, Brocade announced a picture-perfect quarter, a work of art in an otherwise burning building. Unfortunately, it was trading well over $100 per share, and the good news was already baked into the price.
闭市钟声敲响后，Brocade公布了一个歌舞升平的季报，技术板块的大厦将倾，但这份业绩可谓无懈可击。不幸的是，公司股价已经远超每股100美元，好消息早就在价格中反映出来。
    Blink and it was down $5. Sigh and it was down $10.
     一眨眼的功夫，Brocade的股价下跌5美元；叹一口气的功夫，又下跌10美元。
    With each draft lower, Jim nibbled on more stock. And with each downtick, Mount Vesuvius growled louder on the other side of the desk. I tried to calm Jim by pointing to our monster session.    每到一个下跌平台，吉姆都吃进更多的Brocade；而每一次股价收低，空方的维苏威火山都喷发得愈加猛烈。我试着安抚一下吉姆，提醒他我们的空头仓位盈利巨大。 

    'Relax, brother,' I said. 'We had a huge day.'
    “没关系，兄弟。”我说，“我们今天赚翻了。”
    But he would have none of it. The venom was thick as spit flew from his mouth and the phone and keyboard shattered on his desk. I saw this movie before and wasn't interested in watching the sequel.     但吉姆根本不听。他唾沫横飞地咒骂，把电话和键盘在桌上摔得啪啪响。我以前见识过这种场面，并不想看重播。
    I got up, grabbed my jacket and walked out. I heard an object smash against the closed door while I waited for the elevator. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't going to return as long as Mr. Cramer was there.  我站起来，拿起上衣走出办公室。在等电梯的时候，我听见有东西砸在门上的声音。我下了决心，只要克莱默还在办公室，今天我就不回去了。 

    Jim called Jeff to complain that I didn't care about the fund. A bit later, Jeff called me and we had a long conversation.     吉姆打电话给杰夫抱怨，说我不关心公司的基金。过了一会儿，杰夫给我打电话，我们俩长谈了一次。

四十六、Victory laps and big steps back  胜利撤退
   
Life at Cramer Berkowitz was like living in a reality show, a surreal story you couldn't possibly fathom unless you saw it with your own eyes. I only wish someone had the foresight to film it.
在Cramer Berkowitz工作就像活在一场真人秀里，其荒诞离奇之处，假如不是亲身经历，根本想象不出来。我只希望谁有先见之明，能预先把它拍下来。
    Jim's focus increasingly shifted towards his growing media presence on TheStreet.com and CNBC. That was fine by me -- the clock was ticking towards a rather large payday. In hindsight, his ability to juggle so many tasks was an amazing accomplishment. At the time, I viewed his attention as splintered at best.    吉姆把越来越多的精力放在媒体上，频频在TheStreet.com和CNBC电视节目中亮相。对此我没啥意见─反正距离拿大笔奖金的日子越来越近了。回过头来看，吉姆同时处理那么多事情的能力令人赞叹；但在当时，我觉得他有些分心。
    One day, I yelled across the desk to Jim as he leaned back in his chair with the phone pressed against his ear and alerted him that we were making a bet against the market. He saw me vying for his attention, gave me a thumbs-up and placed his hand over the receiver. 'I love 'em here -- go!'    一天，吉姆正靠在椅子上打电话，话筒紧紧贴在耳朵上。我隔着桌子冲他喊，提醒他当前的交易操作与市场走势唱反调。他看到我想引起他的注意力，于是冲我做了个翘大拇指的手势，然后把手掩在话筒上，说：“我喜欢这公司─买吧！”
    When I informed him that we were aggressively shorting the tape, he nodded his head in agreement and made gestures with his hands as if to say, 'Sell, sell, sell!     当我告诉他，我们正在积极卖空这只股票时，他又点头认可，给我打手势，彷佛在说：“卖，卖，卖！”
    I have no agenda in sharing the details of those professional interactions. As we edged towards the end of 2000, however, I had an intense agenda to finish the year and get our investors and myself paid. He was a living, breathing rollercoaster and I desperately wanted to get off.    我不打算谈更多这种工作上的往来细节。但随着2000年底的临近，我很想划上一个圆满的句号，给投资者结算回报，让自己拿到奖金。吉姆是一列活生生、会喘气的过山车，而我急于从车上下来。
    As the year's end flickered in the distance, we collectively made a decision to trade less, sit on our outsized gains and ride out the calendar. It was a prudent decision; we pared our book to minimal risk and agreed to trade only the very best edges.    随着年末指日可待，我们做出一个集体决策，减少交易，坐在高高的钱堆上，等着一年的结束。这是一个审慎的决策，我们把组合风险降至最低，并达成共识，只交易那些最好的市场机会。
    Jeff, Matt Jacobs and I seemed to grasp that concept but as I would quickly learn, it's hard to teach an old dog a new shtick.    杰夫、马特•雅各布斯和我似乎很快就掌握了这一理念，但我很快就发现，教一只老狗新招数是很难的。

四十七、When push comes to shove  分道扬镳
   
Our process at Cramer Berkowitz was constant; we walked through our portfolio several times a day and manicured our risk profile. We did this through good times and bad, a discipline that sustained us during the wicked crosscurrents in the financial landscape. It was the best way to keep a collection of portfolio managers with attention-deficit disorder on the same page during our sensory-overloaded journey.
Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金的投资流程是长期固定的。我们每天都讨论几次组合的交易明细，调整风险仓位。无论市场好坏，这一投资纪律让我们得以安全度过金融世界的腥风血雨。在瞬息万变的市场过山车中，这是让一群容易分心的组合经理保持协同作战的最佳途径。
    A funny thing happened with our newfound risk management approach. Positions began to appear mysteriously as we chewed through our skeletal sheets.   我们新建立的风险管理系统发现一些有趣的东西。当我们查看初步的交易明细时，发现一些我们不知情的神秘交易头寸。
    While Jim insisted his sources were giving him the wink, Jeff and I would secretly chuckle and imagine who some of his 'sources' might be, via instant messages.     吉姆坚持说，这些交易是有消息来源的。杰夫和我暗自发笑，通过即时通讯软件聊天，猜这个所谓的“消息来源”是谁。
    Genghis Khan, perhaps? 是成吉思汗(Genghis Khan)？
    Maybe Abe Lincoln? 还是林肯总统(Abe Lincoln)？
    How about Ty Cobb? 会不会是棒球手泰•柯布(Ty Cobb)？
    It was a little funny and a bit sad but it didn't matter. On a $400 million tank, these positions were rubber bullets that quietly bounced off the armor of our relative performance.    这种事情有点可笑，也有点悲哀，但没关系。我们坐在一辆盈利四个亿美元的坦克里，这些头寸就像是橡皮子弹一样，无声无息地就被相对较厚的利润盔甲给弹开了。
    As I looked ahead, I wasn't as ambivalent. We had the makings of a legitimate all-star squad in Jeff, Matt and myself. I had only worked with Jim for one year and while I genuinely cared for him as a person, I no longer had an interest in sitting on the other side of his moods.
与和吉姆相处的矛盾心情相比，我对公司的未来没有怀疑。杰夫、马特和我已形成一个全明星阵容的铁三角；我和吉姆共事不过一年时间，虽然我真的很关心他，但我再也不想站在他情绪的对立面上。
    Additionally, my grandfather's health began to deteriorate, a sad reality I needed to tend to. Perhaps I was selfish -- maybe a bit greedy -- when I began to calculate what could have been if Jim was removed from the equation.     此外，我祖父的健康开始出现问题，这是我不得不接受的悲哀现实。也许有点自私─也许有点贪婪─我开始在心里盘算，如果不把吉姆的业绩考虑在内，我能多赚多少钱。
    Once the thought began to germinate, it was difficult to shake. I spoke with Jeff and Matt and shared my intention to leave at the end of the year.
这种想法一旦萌生，就挥之不去。我跟杰夫和马特谈了自己的想法，打算到年底就离开公司。
    I won't call it a coup but there was clearly dissension in the ranks. Our instant messages flickered quicker and the outside phone calls increased in frequency. Yes, something was definitely afoot as we swallowed the dings of edgeless risk and waffled our way towards year-end.    我不想称之为政变，但公司的阵营确实出现了分化。我们的即时聊天工具闪动得更快，外面打来的电话更频繁。是的，在我们承担无谓的投资风险，在闲扯中等待年底的到来时，有些东西正在酝酿之中。
    As the emotional fervor came to a head, Cramer Berkowitz arrived at the fateful day that would forever change our lives.   在头脑受到情绪冲动的影响之时，Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金迎来一个命中注定的日子，这一天将永远改变我们的生活。

四十八、新转机

    Nobody knows what was discussed during the hour Jim Cramer and Jeff Berkowitz huddled in Jim's office in late 2000, but time stood still as I watched them from the other side of the glass wall.    2000年底的一天，吉姆.克拉默和杰夫.伯科威茨在吉姆的办公室里私下交谈，没人知道他们在说什么，而我在外头透过玻璃看着，觉得时间彷佛停止了下来。
    I had a serious heart-to-heart with Jeff the night after the Brocade tirade when Jim destroyed keyboards and threw an object at the door after I walked out. I told Jeff that I wasn't going to return the following year if Jim was there.      那次，吉姆为自己在Brocade股票上的失利大发雷霆，砸坏电脑键盘，我走出办公室后又拿东西扔到门上。此后，我和杰夫开诚布公地谈了次心，告诉他如果吉姆还留在这里，那明年我就不在公司干了。
    Jeff wasn't surprised -- the writing was on the wall since the end of the third quarter -- but that was the first time I put it out there. 'I'll talk to him,' he said at the time, 'just relax and bring your A-game tomorrow.'    杰夫并不感到意外──从三季度末开始，情况就已经很明确了──但这是我第一次公开表明自己的态度。“我去跟他谈谈。”他当时说，“你把心放在肚子里，明天还要好好干。”
    Jeff is a good man who lives his life by example. He had more on the line than the rest of us combined -- nine hard years of channeling information to Jim and quietly feeding his stardom.
杰夫是个好人，一生都以身作则。他和吉姆打交道的经验，比我们加起来都要多--九年艰苦的沟通之旅，还要不动声色地满足吉姆的明星情结。
    Loyalty is a rare quality on Wall Street. Jeff lived it and I knew it. I suppose that, as much as anything, sat in the back of my mind as I waited for them to emerge from Jim's office.
在华尔街，忠诚是一种稀有品质。杰夫就有这一品质。我下意识里知道这一点。我坐在那里，等待吉姆的办公室里能传来好消息。
    The door flew open and Jim bound into the trading room at a quickened pace. At first, I couldn't tell if he was angry or ecstatic, given the fine line that separates the two emotions in the man. He stepped up to the main trading desk as a hush fell over the firm.
门一下子被打开了，吉姆大步走进交易室。一开始，我说不清他是愤怒还是高兴，因为他的这两种情绪别人很难区分开来。他走到主交易席位，大家一下子安静下来。
    This was it, I thought -- the moment of truth, the secret to our fortunes.
    就是现在，我想，决定命运的时刻到了。
    'I've made a decision,' he said as the corners of his lips folded higher. 'At the end of this year, I'm going to announce my retirement and hand the firm to Jeff.' “我做出了决定，”吉姆说，嘴角有点往上翘，“今年年底我将宣布退休，把公司交给杰夫。”
    My eyes connected with Berko as the pieces fit together in my head. Smart man, I thought to myself. But that I knew, since he was the one who taught me the car-crash analogy.
我和杰夫的眼神交汇到一起，事情开始变得清晰起来。真是个聪明人，我心里想，但这也很正常，毕竟那个关于吉姆开车撞人的比喻是杰夫教给我的。
    I assumed Jeff communicated his desire to step out from behind Jim's shadow and take his shot as the man in charge. I'm unsure of how large a role I played in Jeff's decision to have that discussion, or in Jim's reaction, but it didn't really matter.
我估计杰夫提出，他希望从吉姆的身后走向前台，成为公司的掌舵人；但不清楚我在杰夫的决定中起了多大的作用，或者吉姆的反应有没有考虑到我的因素。不过，这一切并不重要。
    Much like trading, all that counted was the bottom line. 
    就像交易一样，最重要的是目的有没有达到。
 

四十九、Perception and reality  期待和现实
   
As we discussed the dynamic internally, there was an underlying sense of relief. The mood was positive all around as we joked about Jim's place in history.
 我们在内部讨论这一变动时，都有一种如释重负的感觉。大家的情绪都很好，开玩笑说吉姆一定能青史留名。
    Gretzky, Elway, Jordan -- Cramer.
  “冰球皇帝”格雷茨基(Gretzky)，传奇四分卫艾尔维(Elway)，篮球明星乔丹(Jordan) ─还有吉姆.克拉默。
    He was a savvy spinner and knew he could leverage his track record into a successful media career. He publicly offered that he wanted to spend more time with his family and it seemed like the best possible scenario. He was happy. We were happy. It was perfect.
吉姆能言善道，知道凭借自己的投资资历，他能成功进入媒体行业。他公开宣称自己想多陪陪家人，大家也都以为是这么回事。他高兴，我们也高兴，可谓皆大欢喜。
    The initial euphoria morphed into a more pressing question. If Jim left the business, what would he claim when we carved up the bonus pool? I was guaranteed a set percentage of the returns but given my relative contribution, I believed I was entitled to a larger slice of the profit pie. 但欢欣鼓舞过后，问题随之而来。如果吉姆退出，那他的那份奖金怎么算？公司承诺给我一个固定比例的分红，但考虑到相对的贡献程度，我觉得自己有理由在利润大饼中分到更大的一块。
    After a string of lean years, I thought I hit the lottery. It couldn't be happening again.   在拿了几年的微薄收入后，我想这次应该能打一个翻身仗了。历史不能再重演了。
    Could it? 真的吗？
    We stopped trading for the final month of the year, sitting on a 36% gain while the rest of the street swallowed sizable losses, and spent the majority of our time chewing through the legalities of transferring ownership of the firm to Jeff. It happened fast but it couldn't happen fast enough.
2000年的最后一个月，我们停止了交易，坐在36%的盈利成绩上，看着华尔街其他机构损失惨重。我们把大部分时间花在如何把公司控制权交给杰夫的各种法律问题上，一切进展得很快，但我们还是觉得不够快。
    I was excited for Jeff as he earned the right to helm his own operation. And I was excited for myself as I prepared to assume the role of president, a title previously held by Jim.
我为杰夫感到高兴，他投入那么多，有权成为公司的掌门人。我也为自己感到高兴，准备好接任总裁一职，这个位置以前是吉姆把持的。
    That, and a hefty guaranteed salary for two years, put me in a positive place as I sat with Jeff to discuss compensation for 2000. He assured me that I would be taken care of and true to his word, I was.
这种期待，以及未来两年能享受到较高固定收入的满足感，让我坐下来和杰夫谈2000年奖金时觉得胸有成竹。他承诺过让我放心，我也确实很放心。
    While Jim secured a chunk of change as his final payday on Wall Street, I netted close to $5 million, considerably more than I was contractually due.
吉姆拿到一笔离职费，作为他在华尔街的最后一笔奖金，而我拿到将近500万美元，比合同规定的金额多得多。
    A new era began at Cramer Berkowitz and I finally shook the monkey off my back.
Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金的一个新时代开始了，而我终于大大地松了口气。
    I was finally on the other side of the cash register. 
我终于站到了收款机的内侧。

五十、The age of the innocence  纯真年代
   
It is a rare occurrence on Wall Street when you can exhale, relax and enjoy your good fortune.   在华尔街，如果你能舒上一口气，放松下来享受自己的好运，这算是很罕见的情形。
    Such was a time as we entered 2001 with fresh energy and newfound zest. We earned a reputation as a shrewd and honest fund and we knew all the right people in all the right places. And I had coin in the bank, tangible validation for a hard-fought career.
我们就以这种状态进入了2001年，精神焕发，充满了新的动力。我们管理的基金赢得机智灵活和诚实守信的声誉，我们熟悉所有该熟悉的公司，认识所有该认识的人。我在银行有大笔存款，这是在一个竞争残酷的行业摸爬滚打所获得的有形认证。
    I still wrote my column for TheStreet.com and enjoyed the platform. There was a collection of intelligent thinkers on the site and friendships were forged as a function of respect.
我还继续在TheStreet.com写专栏文章，享受这一平台给我带来的乐趣。网站上有一些睿智的思想者，我们相互尊重，成为朋友。
    During the early months of 2001, my grandfather Ruby -- my best friend and moral mentor -- spent much of his time in intensive care. I traveled to Florida on weekends to hold his hand and absorb his energy. It was a tough time for our family as we said goodbye to our patriarch, a dose of reality in an otherwise euphoric time.
2001年初的几个月里，我的祖父鲁比─我最好的朋友和人生导师─在重症病房里度过了大部分时间。我经常周末去佛罗里达，握住他的手，聆听他的教诲。对全家来说，这是一段艰难的时期，因为我们就要向家中的一位长者告别，真是快乐时光中的一个很大的遗憾。
    It was life. And it was death. 这就是生活，人的归宿就是死亡。
    As I chewed through the market with a faceless audience of millions, I told the tale of Ruby. It was then I realized the power of the Internet and the catharsis of writing. We received thousands of emails that we read to him on his deathbed. Each was a story of love and loss, be it a son, father, mother or sibling.
我在和广大读者交流市场观点时，谈起了祖父的故事。此时我才意识到互联网的力量，以及写作所能带来的情绪宣泄作用。我们收到成千上万封电子邮件，并在祖父的病榻前为他读这些来信。每一封来信都是爱的故事，痛失亲人的故事，无论是作为儿子、父母，还是兄弟姐妹。
    That was the genesis of loyalty to my readers, a connection that remains to this day. If people I've never met could help my family through such a tough transition, I would certainly find time to return the favor.
这是我和读者建立起彼此忠诚关系的源头，直到今天依然如此。既然这些素昧平生的人能帮我的家庭度过如此艰难的一段日子，我当然要挤出时间来写作，以此回馈他们的深情厚谊。
    I settled into my dual role of 'trader who writes' but the irony wasn't lost on me. I was the president of Cramer Berkowitz and wrote the lead trading diary on TheStreet.com, both positions previously held by Jim.
我完全进入“交易员兼专栏作者”的双重身份，但这其中也有一些讽刺意味。我等于是全面接手了吉姆的职责：既作为Cramer Berkowitz公司的总裁，又是TheStreet.com交易专栏的作者。
    Ours was a delicate relationship, buffered on both sides by business and money. Jim had influence on our investors because he kept a large portion of his money with us while I managed the fund with Jeff and Matt, and generated views on TheStreet.com. We had a vested interest in keeping each other happy, and despite a persistent, underlying tension, we balanced the act and played the game.
我和吉姆的关系十分微妙，生意和金钱上的来往成为我们之间的一种缓冲。吉姆对我们的投资者具有影响力，因为他自己就有一大笔钱放在由我、杰夫和马特来共同管理的基金里头；此外，他也在TheStreet.com发表市场观点。虽然我们之间一直有些紧张，但还是有必要让对方开心，因此形成了某种意义上的平衡，把游戏玩下去。
    In March 2001, United Cerebral Palsy honored me for outstanding achievement. I wasn't sure why I was chosen but I was happy to drive attendance to such a worthy cause. With the help of some friends, we secured Run-DMC to perform. I reached out to our coverage on Wall Street, those we paid commission to, and we sold out the event.
2001年3月，美国脑瘫联合协会(United Cerebral Palsy)授予我一项杰出成就奖，我不知道自己为什么会被选中，但很高兴能为这样一个有意义的事情吸引参与者。在朋友的帮助下，我们请到了Run-DMC乐队在慈善晚会上表演助兴。我向华尔街的生意网络─就是那些我们支付交易佣金的人─介绍这次活动，很快就把票全部卖了出去。
    I could feel that Ruby was close to passing and almost skipped the ceremony to be with him. At the request of my family, I stayed and accepted the award. Jim stepped to the podium and lauded me as the best trader on Wall Street and the best writer at TheStreet.com.
我有种预感，鲁比即将不久于人世，几乎都想放弃颁奖典礼去陪他；但在家人的坚持下，我还是留了下来，去领了奖。吉姆走上颁奖台，称赞我是华尔街最好的交易员，以及TheStreet.com网站上最好的专栏作者。
    That was Jim -- all or nothing. I didn't agree with his assessment but the words were humbling to hear. I smiled at him in a knowing way. While our professional relationship was untenable, I genuinely cared for the man.
这就是吉姆─要么全盘肯定，要么全盘否定。我不同意他的评价，而且这些话令我惭愧。我冲吉姆微笑，表示感谢。虽然我们在工作上关系紧张，但我真的很在乎这个人。
    As it turned out, that speech was the apex of our personal relationship. 
    结果，吉姆的这次演讲成为我们俩私人关系的最高峰。

五十一、Saying goodbye and opening up  告别亲人
   
Ruby Peck passed away April 21, 2001, and it was a punch to the gut. Our performance picked up where we left off the previous year but as anyone who's lost someone can tell you, perspective arrives quickly when you say goodbye to someone you love.
鲁比.派克于2001年4月21日与世长辞，让我无比痛心。基金比上一年底又有了更好的表现，但痛失亲人者会告诉你，一旦自己所爱的人告别人世，你很快就会对事物有一个全新的认识。
    It was a soulful time in my life, a period of growth and maturity. My grandfather's final words, played in a video that aired at the cerebral palsy benefit, were 'I don't know if I taught him a lot, but I sure hoped he learned a lot.' 这是我生命中一段沉浸于内心世界的时光，自己长大了，变得更加成熟。我把祖父的临终遗言制成视频，在脑瘫联合协会的慈善晚会上播放，他最后的话是：“我不知道自己是不是教了他很多东西，但我绝对希望他学到了不少。”
    He did and, by extension, so did I.
    他确实教了我很多，而我也确实学会了不少。
    My grieving process threaded into my column on TheStreet.com; my editors were empathetic and allowed for some latitude during a difficult stretch. Still, it was clear they wanted nuts and guts financial stuff and would put up with only so much human interest. An underlying tension began to emerge as the editorial staff carved up my columns before they posted.
我的悲哀在TheStreet.com专栏文章的字里行间显现出来，编辑很有同情心，允许我在悲伤的日子里宣泄一下自己的心情。不过，他们还是想要关于金融市场的真金实银的观点，情绪的东西只能适可而止。编辑团队对我文章的关注程度开始加大，在发表前都要做一些修改。
    I never claimed to be a good writer but I spoke from the heart and told the truth. Sometimes, a word here or shift there can change the entire complexion of the content. I held my ground as they explained proper grammatical execution to me.
我从没说过自己是个好作者，但我写的东西都发自内心，不说假话。有时候，一字一句的改变可能会影响整篇文章的核心思想。编辑向我解释正确的语法应用，但我坚持自己的风格。
    My style was simple -- communicate complex information nestled within pop-culture references like 'Young Frankenstein' or 'Animal House,' and introduce topics with musical lyrics, be it the Grateful Dead, Led Zeppelin or Tom Petty.
我的风格很简单─用平白明了、读者耳熟能详的概念来解释复杂的金融信息，并用富有乐感的语句表达出来。
    My inbox filled daily with hundreds of emails. Many of them were about the markets but a surprising number of them had nothing to do with the tape. It amazed me how diverse my audience was but upon reflection, it made complete sense.
 我的电子邮箱每天都接到数百封读者来信，很多都是关于金融市场的，但令人惊奇的是，还有不少来信的内容根本和市场交易无关。这让我感到，读者群体的构成是如此的多样化，但仔细一想，这也很正常。
    They weren't traders that happened to be humans. They were humans that happened to be traders. 
 他们不是有些人性的市场交易员，而是碰巧做了交易员的人类。

 “呼呼”和“嘘嘘”
  我开始用打趣的手法描述股市的两大趋势─“呼呼”(Hoofy)代表牛市，“嘘嘘”(Boo)代表熊市─同时从两方面来阐述交易操作。无论市场趋势如何，牛和熊的观点总是各有道理，而最终的分晓在第二天早上的报纸上见。我带着这种心态来写专栏文章，不同观点的分歧正是看清市场真谛的不二法门。
   不久，读者开始问我“呼呼”在干什么，“嘘嘘”在怎么想，他们给股市赋予性格，形成独特的视角。这种说法深入人心，大家都很喜欢。我不禁在想，那个发明牛市和熊市说法的人怎么不出来宣扬一下自己。
   TheStreet.com向我支付稿费，但与从事交易工作的报酬相比，简直不值一提。写作不是为了赚钱，而是一种思想的净化。我们之间没有签署合同，因为我不想让网站拥有对“呼呼”和“嘘嘘”这种词语的知识产权。结果，这是我一生做过的最明智的决定。
   在这一点上，他们并不想强求。毕竟，我是他们的摇钱树，一个在市场战壕里摸爬滚打的人，写的东西能吸引大量读者。我不停地写文章，探索网络泡沫背后的奥妙，记录自己的交易行为，展示给全世界看。如果说股市是个赌场的话，我们觉得自己就是拿着筛子长期坐庄的人。
   TheStreet.com很高兴，基金的投资者很高兴，因为回报率再次达到两位数的水平，我也很高兴，虽然心里有点空荡荡的。赚钱是件美妙的事情，稍稍分散了我失去祖父的痛苦，但并不能填补祖父离开后内心的空白。
网络股的走势捉摸不定，人们的贪婪有所收敛，而我依然维持着自己的双重身份。
   生活是美好的，至少我这么认为，因为财富给我带来了很多可玩的东西。我不再整天坐在交易屏幕前面任凭时光流逝，我要和朋友们共进晚餐，有充足的时间找个新娘，还希望能放松多久就放松多久。
   人们说，许愿的时候要当心。我从不理解这句话的深刻含义，直到自己的愿望成真。

五十二、Summer loving  夏日狂欢
   
As I've grown older, I realized the difference between having fun and being happy. Entering the summer of 2001, I knew of no such distinction.
阅历多了以后，我才意识到好玩和快乐是两码事；而在2001年夏天，我并不理解这两者的区别。
    Ruby aside, life had never been better. While others struggled with the fire sale on Wall Street, we were making serious money and I lived the lifestyle to prove it. I never thought I was that guy -- the player who bankrolled limos, tables at nightclubs and big, expensive dinner checks.     除了鲁比的去世，我的生活从没这么好过。当华尔街的其他人还在为生计挣扎时，我们在大赚特赚，过着奢华的生活。我从没想过自己是那样的人──坐着加长轿车，出入豪华餐厅和夜总会，吃一顿晚餐就花上一大笔钱。
    I suppose, in hindsight, I was. 事后看来，我就是那样一个人。
    I was still grieving my grandfather when my buddy Lionel and I ventured to the Hamptons to look for a summer rental. I bought a BMW without so much as looking at the sticker price; U2 played loudly as we sped to the east end.
我还沉浸在失去祖父的悲痛中，但还是跟朋友利奥奈尔(Lionel)去汉普顿找一个消夏的房子租。我随手买了一辆宝马汽车，根本没怎么看价签。我们开车疾驰向东，车里飘荡着U2乐队轰鸣的音乐。
    After seeing several houses, we were about to head back to the city empty-handed when a broker called to tell us of a place in Sag Harbor that had to be seen. We turned around and took one, final shot. The moment I drove into the compound I knew it was home.
我们看了几处房子，但都不是很满意，正打算空手回去，有个地产经纪打来电话，说Sag Harbor有栋房子值得一看。我们掉转车头，最后去碰一下运气；但一开到那里，我马上有个感觉，就是它了。
    'We'll call it Ruby Ridge,' I said to Lionel before we got out of the car to explore the grounds.
“我们就管它叫鲁比之家(Ruby Ridge)。”我对利奥奈尔说。两人从车里出来，开始察看周围的情况。
    It was sensational. The Philip Stark-designed house was flush with Lichtenstein prints, a meditation tower, media room and a wraparound terrace over looking Sag Harbor. There were immaculate rolling grounds with an eight-car garage, an adjacent two-bedroom casita and an outdoor dining pavilion with a fireplace and kitchen surrounding a black gummite pool. A croquet court sat between the compound and a 200-square-foot beach, all within walking distance from town.
这个地方令人心驰神往。法国设计师菲力普•斯达克(Philip Stark)设计的房子，里面挂满现代艺术家利希滕斯坦(Lichtenstein)的照片，有一个冥想塔，一间视听室，还有一片环绕屋顶的露天阳台，能俯瞰整个萨格港(Sag Harbor)。房子周围是纯净无瑕的丘陵草地，车库能容纳八辆车，旁边是一间小平房，有两个卧室。户外有个凉亭，可以在这里用餐，配备壁炉，厨房，还有一个深褐色的游泳池。附近是一个槌球场，还有一片200平方英尺的沙滩，离镇子很近，走着就可以到。
    We had to have it. 'Seven bedrooms,' one of us said, 'There's a lot of space here.' The broker told us the house was listed for the summer at $150,000. Before we got back in the car, it was ours. We pulled in five or six friends, turned our garage into a nightclub called 'Shagababy' and smiled when we overheard others talking about the new, private club somewhere in Sag Harbor. 这个地方一定得定下来。“七间卧室，”我们中的一个说道，“这个地方真够大的。”地产经纪说，这栋房子整个夏季的租金是15万美元。没等我们回到车里，租赁合同就已经签好。我们叫来五六个朋友，把车库改造成一个名叫“Shagababy”的俱乐部。当有人谈起Sag Harbor那里新开了一家私人俱乐部时，我们几个露出了会心的微笑。
    There were a hundred people at Ruby Ridge at any given time. When we had parties, on my birthday and at the end of summer, 400 people attended soirees that are still being talked about. It was a summer of debauchery straight out of a movie, a twisted tale of revelry that could have been called 'The Top of the Market.'
任何时候，鲁比之家都有一百个人在里头玩耍。我们开各种派对，我的生日派对和庆祝夏末时，来了400个人，这一盛事至今为人传颂。那个夏天，我们寻欢作乐，过着电影里才会有的生活，简直就是一场“股市之巅”的狂欢节。
    As a trader with my pulse on trends and turns, I should have seen it coming. I left for Hawaii on Labor Day weekend to fulfill my promise to my father.
作为一个把握市场脉搏和走向的交易员，我理应看到什么在等着我们。劳动节(Labor Day)的那个周末，我去了一趟夏威夷，履行我对父亲的承诺。
    It would be the last time New York ever looked the same.
     从此，纽约不再是原来的那个纽约。

五十三、2001年9月11日

   九月一个美丽、清爽的早晨，我从手中的《华尔街日报》抬头眺望纽约东河(East River)上的日出。这是一个宁静祥和的时刻，我停顿下来，欣赏美丽的大自然，并反思自己走过的生命旅途。
   这是我在2001年9月11日那天的最初感受，当阳光照到曼哈顿时，地平线轮廓是如此的层次分明。
   我们的对冲基金不看好宏观经济走势，但在911那天来临之前，持有的是反趋势的多头头寸。我们坐到交易席位上，喝下第二杯咖啡。诺基亚公司(Nokia Corp.)公告了季度的盈利预减，但股价还是飙升了5%。
   这是一个典型的迹象，表明前期市场处于超卖状态，现在交易员头寸不足，正忙着补仓。我们加重筹码，疯狂买入史坦普500指数(SPDR S&P 500) 的交易所交易基金(ETF)，以及纳斯达克100指数ETF基金(PowerShares QQQ)─基本上就是赌市场会整体走高。我们把尖刀插入空头派的肚子，他们早就不受欢迎了。
   第一次撞击时，办公室的 壁都震动了。我扫视一下交易席位，问：“这是怎么回事？”
   有人在喊：“世贸中心着火了！”我们转头看去，只见火光冲天，黑烟滚滚，与湛蓝的天空形成鲜明的对比。
   我们在福尔顿街40号，离世贸中心仅有几个街区远；办公室在24层，视野开阔。此时，主流媒体还没来得及进行报导，这让我们在亲眼目睹事件发生的过程时，感到尤为困惑。
   我回过身来，在TheStreet.com写下上午8点47分的一段评论。“世贸中心有炸弹爆炸，愿上帝保佑那些无辜的灵魂。”
   标普和纳斯达克的指数期货交易剧烈，每次都跳动10到20个基点。我们卖出手头持有的一部分指数基金，但当看到报导，说那只是一架小型客机撞上大厦时，又买回了一些。
   这一切就发生短短几分钟内。
   我后来才明白为什么当时无法将目光从世贸大厦移走，那是因为我们的大脑没有办法处理接受到的信息。不管如何努力地消化所看到的情景，我们的脑子里都没地方可以“归档”那种人类手牵手从世贸中心顶层跳下来的画面。
   那是我至今无法忘怀的画面，人的身体就像糖果一样从空中坠落，大厦受损处纸片飘扬，都是从办公桌里飞出来的。我真希望上帝让我永远不要看到这种场面。
   我们挤在窗口，嘴巴张得大大的，有人在一遍又一遍地喃喃自语：“我的上帝！我的上帝！”第二架飞机从大厦后头出现，再次撞了上去。一切都彷佛在放慢动作一样，爆炸余波再次震动我们的大楼，爆炸产生的火球直接向我们冲过来。
   我心想：“这就是我的死法。”我们把员工召集起来，带他们去楼梯那里疏散。
   我在自己的座位停了一下，很快写下一句话“我正在撤离大楼……”，然后发给网站编辑，不知道他们能否收到。

五十四、Brokedown Palace  避难之路

   Our staff left the building and ran toward the South Street Seaport. I remember thinking that in the worst case, we could dive in the East River and take our chances there.
 我们的员工离开办公楼，向南街海港(South Street Seaport)跑去。我记得自己心里已经做好最坏的打算，一旦情况不妙，就跳进东河听天由命了。
    We overheard someone say that the Pentagon was attacked. The Pentagon? Weren't missiles supposed to shoot down anything that threatened that air space? 我们听到有人在说，五角大楼遭到了袭击。五角大楼？不是说一旦有东西威胁那里的领空，就会有导弹将其击落吗？
    The Verizon switching center was damaged and we had no cell phones or Blackberries, no voice of reason to assuage our fears. We were, for all intents and purposes, cut off from the world.
Verizon公司的电话信号交换中心受损, 我们手头没有手机或黑莓(Blackberry)，没有理性的声音来缓解内心的恐慌。我们彻底与世隔绝了。
    I thought of friends who worked in the towers and resisted an urge to run to Ground Zero to find them. I was riddled with anxiety, but tried to put on a brave face to calm my shaken staff.
我想起在世贸中心上班的朋友，极力抑制住想跑去现场寻找他们的冲动。我心里很着急，但脸上还是尽量保持镇定，以安抚受到惊吓的同事。
    The crumbling began with a whisper and grew to a growl as the first tower imploded. 世贸中心的第一栋大厦开始倒塌，吱呀声很快就变成一片轰鸣。
    We were on an island unto ourselves in terms of location and communication, and naturally assumed another wave of attacks had begun. Everyone scrambled as hysteria broke out, scattering our personnel among thousands of confused people as the wave of white smoke approached.
无论是所处的位置还是与外界的沟通，我们都像在一座孤岛上，很自然地认为这是下一波袭击的开始。大家变得恐慌起来，四散而逃，没入成千上万困惑的人群中。此时，大厦倒塌后掀起的白色浓烟离我们越来越近。
    I'm not sure how firm partner Jeff Berkowitz and I found each other, but we somehow connected and ran along the river towards the FDR. I eyed the water to our right as a precaution; it was an option that I wanted to keep open as we broke into a sprint.
我不太清楚怎么跟公司合伙人杰夫•伯克维兹碰到一起的，但我们俩还是会合了，并沿着河边向罗斯福高速路跑去。我警惕地盯着右侧的河流，随时准备在快跑过程中跳入河中。
    Jeff offered a cab driver $500 to take him out of the city while I tried to calm a woman in the backseat who was on the verge of hyperventilating. Through her tears, she told me her boyfriend worked in an office that was high up in the towers. As I looked out the rear-view window and saw one of the towers already gone, I was at a loss for words.
杰夫给一个出租车司机500美元，让他带我们出城，而我试图安慰汽车后座上一位惊慌得快要喘不上气的妇女。她哭着告诉我，她男朋友在世贸中心的楼层高处上班。我从车后窗看出去，发现双塔中的一栋已经不见了；此时，我一句话也说不出来。
    How could I ease her pain? What was happening to our country? Was it really happening at all?   我该怎么安抚她的痛苦？我们的国家出了什么事？这发生的一切都是真的吗？
    I found my way to my home on 57th Street as lines formed at convenience stores. People were hoarding bottled water, canned food, flashlights and other necessities. I had none of that and I didn't care.
我找到了回57街自己家的路，看到便利店门前排起了长队，人们在抢购瓶装水、罐头食品、手电筒和其他生活必需品。这些我都没有，但我不在乎。
    I just wanted to find my family, my friends, myself. I needed to understand what happened and establish a framework of relativity, a place where I could begin to assess and digest my experience.
我只想找到自己的家人、朋友，和我自己。我需要明白发生了什么，构建一个相对的框架，一个能让我好好想想这到底是怎么一回事的地方。
    Thirty minutes later, my mother crashed through my front door and held me tighter than I've ever been held. The images on TV portrayed downtown Manhattan as a cloud of smoke, a disaster area with body parts strewn like yesterday's laundry on the bedroom floor.
半小时后，我妈妈从大门口冲进来，以从未有过的力度紧紧抱住我。在电视报导的画面中，曼哈顿下城笼罩在浓烟当中，世贸中心附近一片狼藉，横七竖八的尸体，就像是昨天没洗的衣服乱扔在卧室地板上一样。
    Friends began to gather at my apartment; five at first, then 10, then 20. It was the other side of disaster, a dose of humanity in a sea of horror, a refuge in a maze of confusion. 
朋友们开始聚集到我的公寓来，先是五个，然后十个，后来二十个。这里远离灾难发生的地方，是乱世中的避难所，困惑中的心灵驿站。
 

五十五、Putting it on paper   忠实记录

   I found myself at my living-room desk, looking for a semblance of normalcy and a familiar setting.  我来到起居室的书桌前，想找一些自己熟悉的东西，干一些平时做的事。
    Instinctively, I wrote this column, which was published on TheStreet.com:
     出于本能，我写了下面这篇专栏文章，发表在TheStreet.com上。
   
The Day the World Changed 世界变天之日
   
      By Todd Harrison 作者：托德.哈里森
   
    09/11/2001 08:33 PM EDT 2001年9月11日，美国东部时间晚上8点33分。
   
    Numbness. Shock. Anger. Sadness. 麻木。震惊。愤怒。悲伤。
    As I sit here with family and friends, awaiting calls that may never come, I am drawn to my keyboard and I'm not quite sure why.
我和家人朋友坐在这里，等待一些可能永远不会打来的电话。我不由自主地敲打起电脑键盘，但不太清楚是为了什么。
    Perhaps it's an attempt to somehow release the tremendous sadness that's locked inside me. Maybe I have hopes that sharing my grief will stop these images ... stop the shaking.   也许这是为了释放紧锁在内心深处的巨大悲伤，也许是希望通过宣泄来停止脑海中的那些画面…停止身体的颤抖。
    It's ten hours after the fact, and I still feel the 'boom' that shook my trading room. 从事件发生到现在，已经过去了十个小时，但那震动整个交易室的“轰隆”声依然回荡在我的耳边。
    I can still see the bodies falling from the first struck tower, one after another, as we gathered by the window in shock and confusion.
我眼前依然浮现着我们挤到窗口，既震惊又困惑地往外眺望的那一幕，看到人们从第一栋被袭击的世贸大厦上跳下来，一个接着一个。
    I can still hear the screams in my office 'Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!' as the second plane hit ... and the image of that fireball rolling toward us will forever be etched in my mind.  我彷佛还能听到第二架飞机撞上去时，办公室里一片“我的上帝！我的上帝！我的上帝！”的叫声……那团火球向我们冲来的场景，将永远铭刻在我的内心深处。
    I often write that 'this too shall pass,' but I will never be the same. Maybe that's a selfish thought, as tens of thousands of people won't have the opportunity to put this behind them.   我经常在文章里写“一切都会过去的”，但今天过后，我将不再是以前的我。也是，这是一种自私的想法；毕竟，成千上万人都没有机会让今天成为他们的记忆。
    Each time my phone rings and I hear the voice of a friend who I feared was lost, I break into tears.  每次电话铃响, 我听见一个害怕已经失去的朋友传来的声音, 都会喜极而泣。
    Every time I get a call from someone who 'just wanted to make sure' that I'm still here, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to share relationships, memories and a past. 每次有人打电话来，说“ 想看看你是否平安”，对我来说都是一种提醒，提醒自己有多幸运，还能在这里享受友情，记忆和往事。
    I know many of you read my column to make money, but do yourself a favor and surround yourself with loved ones this evening.
我知道你们中有很多人看我的文章来赚钱，但今天晚上，为自己做一件事，让你爱的人和爱你的人围绕在你的身边。
    Some of the wealthiest people I know don't have two dimes to rub together, and a few of them will never see their children, parents or friends again.
我认识的一些最富有的人，现在连拿两枚硬币彼此摩擦的机会都没有了，有些人再也见不到他们的孩子、父母和朋友。
    More than anything else, I wish I'd kept my date to share a drink with my good friend at Cantor Fitz.
我最大的愿望就是，我没有爽掉与在Cantor Fitz做事的好友一起喝酒的约会。
    I was tired, opting to grab a good night's sleep rather than down a couple of apple martinis with my sage friend.
 当时，我觉得很累，想赶紧回家睡觉，而不是和那个老朋友一起喝几杯苹果马提尼酒。
    I'm sitting by my phone, brother, waiting for your call.
   兄弟，我现在坐在电话机旁，等着你的电话。
    Drinks are on me.  下回喝酒，我请客。

五十六、Picking up the pieces  重新开始

    People who shared a similar experience dealt with their grief differently. Some left the business entirely, opting to enjoy a life where bells didn't bookend their days. Some married and others divorced as the specter of death shifted their path in life. Folks fell into drug and alcohol addictions with hopes that self-medication would dull their pain. 
即使有过相似的惨痛经历，每个人对待悲哀的方式也会各不相同。有人选择彻底离开这一行，享受一种每天不由开市、闭市钟声来定位自己的生活；有人结婚，有人离婚，因为死亡的阴霾改变了他们的人生轨迹；有人沉迷于毒品和酒精，希望这种自疗方式能让痛苦变得麻木。
    We each did what we could; we all did what we had to.
    每个人都尽力去做自己能做的事，以及自己不得不做的事。
    I was wrought with numb fortitude. I relied on instincts to make it from hour to hour and day to day. CNN asked me to appear on television that weekend. I didn't want to be in the public eye but as I digested the significance of what happened, I decided my message needed to be heard.
而我则麻木地继续工作，依靠本能撑过每个小时，每一天。CNN邀请我那个周末上电视做节目，我本来不想出现在公众面前，但仔细琢磨了这个事件的意义后，决定把自己的想法告诉大家。
    Stay calm, don't make emotional financial decisions and remain patient. The downdraft in equities when the market reopened would ultimately provide a better entry level than exit point.
保持镇定，别因为情绪波动而做出财务决定，保持耐心。股市重开后的下跌最终将形成一个更好的进入平台，而非撤退出口。
    I arrived at the studio mentally prepared to communicate a coherent stream of thoughts. I'd been on television a few times before but I was noticeably nervous, not because of the national audience but because of what my mind and spirit tried to digest. I kept telling myself that Sept. 11 was just another day. Deep within, I knew it wasn't true.
我到拍摄现场时，脑子里已有一套成形的想法。我以前上过几次电视，但觉得这次特别紧张，不是因为要面对全国观众，而是因为我的全身心都在尽力消化的一切。我不断告诉自己，9月11日只是人类历史中的又一天而已，但在内心深处，我知道这不是真的。
    I sat in the green room talking to Senator Chuck Schumer before my segment, impressed by his poise and humility. He was a kind man with gentle eyes, a ray of hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. It was something. Anything.
上节目前，我坐在后台跟参议员查克.舒默(Chuck Schumer)交谈，他的镇定和谦逊令人印象深刻。他看上去很和蔼，眼神温和，彷佛是乌云密布的天空中穿透出的一缕阳光。这很了不起，非常了不起。
    A producer ushered me to the roof where they were filming so downtown Manhattan could provide the backdrop. Smoke still billowed from Ground Zero and the putrid smell of burnt flesh and melted steel continued to haunt me.
一个制片人把我带到天台，他们在这里拍摄，将曼哈顿下城作为背景。世贸中心倒塌现场的烟雾仍未散去，人体烧焦的腐臭和钢筋熔化的气味还在不断刺激我的嗅觉。
    They put a microphone on my lapel and began the countdown. At the last second, they told me they had to cut away to an emergency message from Donald Rumsfeld.
他们在我西装翻领上装了一个小麦克风，并开始拍摄的倒计时。最后一秒钟时，他们告诉我必须临时插播美国国防部长唐纳德.拉姆斯菲尔德(Donald Rumsfeld)的紧急声明。
    'Hey, if I'm getting bumped, at least it was for the Secretary of Defense,' I said forcing a smile at the producer, hoping that some levity would ease our obvious stress. There were no words in return, no acknowledgment, no eye contact. Everyone was in a state of shock, going through the motions but void of tangible presence.
“虽然紧急刹车，但至少是给国防部长让路。”我挤出一个笑容，对制片人说道，希望一些幽默能缓和周围显而易见的压力。没人应答，没人说话，没有任何眼神的接触。每个人都处于震惊当中，只是机械地做出动作，而没有真实的情感反应。
    I walked home across town as volunteers raced towards the still smoldering remains of the World Trade Center. Many of my friends gave blood or assisted the fire department with moral support and words of encouragement. I never found my way downtown, perhaps a subconscious admission that I wasn't ready to face the new paradigm.
我走路回家，志愿者们纷纷涌向还在燃烧的世贸废墟。我的很多朋友主动献血，或用精神支持和言语鼓励为消防员们打气。我想去世贸中心看看，但一直没找到路，也许在潜意识中，我还没有准备好面对新的华尔街。
    Instead, I focused on familiar escapes: the markets, our hedge fund and my writing.
 就这样, 我把精力投入自己熟悉的东西：市场、我们的对冲基金, 还有写作。
    Someone once said that something good comes from all things bad. While there was no way I could tell at the time, that one thing for me was perspective. It would be a long, painful and expensive lesson; one that almost left me littered on the side of the road. 
有人曾经说过：只有大风大浪过后，才能有微波荡漾。这句话很有道理，但当时的我无从明白：我将经历一个长期、惨痛和昂贵的教训，几乎让我倒在路边一蹶不振。
 

五十七、A new focus  新的焦点
   
The markets were closed for a week following Sept. 11 and that gave Jeff, Matt Jacobs and I an opportunity to map our strategy. We knew there would be a process of price discovery as there was no historical context to lean against and existing paradigms no longer applied.
911事件发生后，股市关闭了整整一周，这给杰夫、马特、杰考伯和我一个商量下一步投资策略的机会。我们知道市场将经历一个重新估值的过程，因为历史上从没有过这种先例，既定的格局不再具有适用性。
    'The market was very oversold heading into this event,' I told my partners as I pointed to numerous technical indicators. 'The selling panic will provide an opportunity to make some savvy purchases.'
 “这件事发生前，市场已处于强烈的超卖水平，”我指着各种技术指标对几个合伙人说，“别人的疯狂卖出将给精明的买家带来机会。”
    I took comfort in the familiarity of my trading acumen, a lucidity and instinct I learned to trust. We were looking at large losses when the markets reopened and I knew the first snapshot of our P&L would be ugly.
我对自己交易直觉充满信心，经历过股市的起起伏伏，我已经学会信任这种敏锐的本能。重新开市时，我们基金的亏损巨大，我知道损益表第一眼瞧上去会很难看。
    To make matters worse, our office telephones were severed during the attack and we had no command center to execute our protocol. Jeff found a space in Rye Brook, an hour north of the city -- up to three hours during traffic -- and we set up shop.
屋漏偏逢连夜雨，办公室的电话受这次事件的影响信号中断，我们失去了执行交易策略的指挥部。杰夫在纽约北部的Rye Brook找到一个地方，离纽约有一小时的车程，堵车时可能要三小时。我们在那里重设了交易室。
    Instead of eight screens and a telephone turret with direct lines to our brokers, we planned to take on the world with makeshift equipment. It wasn't optimal but it could have been worse -- a lot worse.
现在，我们没有八台电脑屏幕，没有通往券商的直线电话，要用临时拼凑起来的设备应对整个市场。一切都谈不上太好，但比上不足，比下有余，毕竟我们还活着。
    We discussed swallowing a bitter pill once the markets opened and flattening our portfolio, which still would have been up close to 10% for the year.
我们几个谈过重新开市后割肉清仓的可能性，即使这样做，我们当年的收益还有接近10%。
    'Ten percent isn't shabby,' one of us opined. 'Our investors will understand that given what we've been through, we need to retrench before assuming new and different risk.'
“百分之十不算差，”我们中有个人说，“投资者会理解的，毕竟发生了这种事情。我们得养精蓄锐，然后再去承担新的、不同的风险。”
    The decision was finally made. 'We'll be ready.' I grabbed my rifle, dove into the foxhole and readied to shoot on sight. 
 最后，大家做出决定。“开始战斗！”我抓起来福枪，冲进散兵坑，随时准备射击。

五十八、遭受损失

  第二周，股市重新开始交易，很快就让我们基金来之不易的利润少掉了4%。我们连第一笔交易都没来得及执行，一眨眼的功夫，百分之四的利润没了。
   市场打过来的重拳让我们应接不暇，被搞得伤痕累累。每一个刺拳都很痛，每一个勾拳都意味着七位数的损失。我们用尽一切力量反击，晚上回到角落休息时，身家性命全都留在了拳击场内。
   我不想睡觉。一闭上眼睛就会做噩梦，让我猛然惊醒，回到自己不愿接受的现实。一种负疚感开始在我内心滋生开来。
   别人失去了那么多东西，我还有什么可烦恼的？为什么白天我戴上勇敢的面具，对内面对员工，对外面对TheStreet.com的读者，晚上却会哭泣不止？要过多久我才能放下这一切，到时候内心的痛苦之火是否会把我整个人全部烧掉？
   我写文章表达自己的观点，认为股市经过初期的大跌后会迅速反弹。在Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金，我们也按同样的思路进行交易，小心选择股票，根据价格情况逐步建仓。
   历史验证了我的观点，但反弹前的低迷时间却比我的预期长得多，市场下跌的深度也要大得多。我们基金的收益率回落到只有四五个百分点；我真想给自己狠狠捅上一刀，体验那种痛苦的感觉，因为觉得自己罪有应得。基金遭受的损失虽然巨大，但跟我内心承受的煎熬相比，就显得苍白多了。
   有人曾经对我说过，能量不会凭空创造出来，也不会凭空消亡，只是从一种形式转化为另一种形式。
   当时我并不知道，这一转化过程早已开始。

Losses absorbed

The market opened the following week and quickly chopped 4% from our hard-earned gains. Four percent, just like that, before our first trade was executed.
We were battered and bruised but took every punch the market threw. Each jab was painful. Each hook cost seven figures. We fought with everything we had and left it all in the ring before returning to our respective corners at night.
I didn't want to sleep -- every time I closed my eyes, the nightmares jolted me back to a reality I didn't want to accept. The feelings of guilt began to build.
How could I be so upset when others lost so much more? Why did I cry each night after putting on a brave face, internally for my staff and externally on TheStreet.com? How long would I be able to shoulder this load when I was melting from the inside out?
I wrote columns expressing my opinion that equities would rebound sharply after the initial plunge. We operated with the same plan at Cramer Berkowitz, carefully picking our spots and adding layers of exposure as a function of price.
History validated my view but it took much longer -- and the market fell much farther -- than I thought it would. Our performance slid into the mid-single digits and I twisted the knife into myself, wanting to suffer, somehow feeling I deserved it. As consuming as our losses were, they paled in comparison to the gaping wound that opened in my soul.
Someone once told me that energy isn't created or destroyed, it simply transfers from one form to another.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, that process was already in motion.

五十九、再次提笔

   Following the dislocation after Sept. 11, our makeshift Rye Brook office was located next to a small airport. Every time a private plane took off, everyone instinctively ducked as jet engines shook our temporary home. 
经历了911事件的极端混乱后，我们临时搬到Rye Brook办公。这个地方位于一个小型机场附近，每次有私人飞机起飞，引擎的声浪就会震动这个临时避难所，大家本能地弯腰低头，想要找地方躲起来。
    It was an anxious and tenuous time, but there was no quit in us despite the freefall that occurred in the market and, by extension, our performance.
这是一段焦虑而无助的日子。虽然股市大跳水，基金业绩直线下跌，但我们不甘心就此认输。
    I wrote all day, every day, while at the same time, trying to steady our fund. Jeff never said a word about my dual role -- he knew Jim wanted me to write and perhaps that had something to do with his patience.
我每天、每时每刻都在写作，同时尽可能稳住公司基金的表现。杰夫从没对我这种双重职责说过什么─一方面，他知道吉姆想让我写专栏文章；另一方面，他本人的耐心品质应该也起到了一些作用。
    When I wasn't trading, I wrote; when I wasn't writing, I thought about what to trade or what I should write.
我不交易的时候，就写东西；不写东西的时候，就想着该交易点什么，或该写点什么东西。
    I told my readers we would get through it together and carried both roles for a few weeks before the load was heavier than I could bear. I slept three or four hours each night, if that. Given my persistent nightmares, I wasn't sure that was a bad thing.
我告诉读者会和他们共度难关，并把这个双重角色坚持了好几个星期，直到自己被工作压得喘不上气来。我每天只睡三到四个小时，有时甚至还不到。不过，那段时间我老做噩梦，所以睡得少也不一定是件坏事。
    I had a fiduciary responsibility to my investors and that, more than anything else, prompted me to pick up the phone. I called TheStreet.com's editor-in-chief, Dave Morrow, and told him we needed to talk. I desperately needed to make a change.
我对基金投资者担负着资金的受托责任，这比任何事情都重要。于是我给TheStreet.com的总编戴夫.莫洛(Dave Morrow)打电话，说想跟他谈谈。我急需做出转变。
    'This is difficult for me to say,' I said, 'But I can't write 10-12 daily columns anymore. I give you my word that I'll do whatever I can but that probably means no more than four to five columns each day.'
“这件事难以启齿，”我说，“可我再也不能每天写10到12篇专栏文章了，我答应你还会尽力而为，但每天最多只能写四五篇。”
    'No problem,' he assured me with a southern twang, 'We understand and appreciate whatever you can do.'
“没问题，”他用带着些南方口音的腔调说，“我们理解，能做多少做多少吧，还是很感谢你。”
    I hung up the phone and felt relieved, yet guilty, as I knew my readers would be upset. I went home that night and wrote a heartfelt, honest column called 'The Passing of the Torch.'
 我挂上电话，觉得心里放下一块大石头，但又有些内疚。我知道读者会不高兴，于是晚上回家写了篇真诚恳切的文章，题目是“传递火炬”。
    I wrote hundreds of articles for TheStreet.com but that column was a particularly tender message. I spent hours manicuring the vernacular, combing through each word so the message would come through loud and clear: I'm here for you but I will ask for patience as I get my life, my firm and myself to a place of relative balance and stability.
我为TheStreet.com写了几百篇文章，但这篇写得格外情真意切。我花好几个小时斟酌词句，反复推敲，让文中传达的讯息更加清晰和明确：读者朋友，我还在这里陪你们，但请给我一点时间，允许我把生活、公司和自己恢复到一个相对平衡和稳定的状态。
    The column carried a difficult message with truth and trust. I sent it to the editors and prepared myself for the influx of e-mails that would surely arrive the next day. But the article never posted, the first time that ever happened.
这篇文章传递的讯息令人难以接受，但一字一句都伴随着真诚和信任。我把它发给编辑，并做好心理准备，明天一定会收到如潮水般涌来的电子邮件。然而，这篇文章根本没有发表。这还是第一次。
    I called Dave and he told me the readers couldn't handle another loss. 'They already lost Bill Meehan,' he said, referring to my friend and co-columnist who was in the North tower and died in the attack. 'They can't afford to lose you as well.'
 我给戴夫打电话，他告诉我读者无法再承受另一个损失。“他们已经失去了比尔.米汉(Bill Meehan)。”他说。比尔是我朋友，也是TheStreet.com的专栏作者，在世贸中心北楼上班，不幸死于911袭击事件。“他们不能再失去你。”

六十、Bluffing with jokers  互不让步 
   
Jim wrote in his first book, 'Confessions of a Street Addict,' that I was wildly emotional except when there was money to be made, at which point I was as cold as Saturn. The same mindset applied to this time in my life when, despite valid reasons for incoherence, I was as lucid as I've ever been.
吉姆在他的第一本书《华尔街瘾君子的自白》中写道，我这个人非常情绪化，但在要赚钱的时候又冷静得像块石头。此时也不例外。虽然有理由做出一些妥协，但我还是表现出前所未有的冷静和强硬。
    I gave my heart and soul to TheStreet.com and expected some latitude in return. Given where my head was at the time, I was in no mood to play games. I explained to my editors: 'This is life -- this is the world we lived in -- I want my column posted as it was written, as the readers deserved to hear it.'
我把全身心投入到TheStreet.com上，作为回报，我希望对文章有一些自主权，能就事论事地交流观点，没心情跟人玩兜圈子的游戏。我曾经对编辑们解释过：“这就是真实的生活─世界就是这个样子─我希望我 的文章能按原样发表，读者有权听到我的真实声音。”
    It wasn't simply a function of respect; it was the right thing to do. I forged trust with my readers through good times and bad and prided myself on my name and word. I hadn't gone to the bathroom in a year and a half without communicating it to my readership. 
这不仅是出于对读者的尊重，也是一件正确的事。经历股市的起起落落后，我和读者之间建立起一种互信关系，十分看重自己的名誉和说出来的言论。这一年半来，我连上个厕所都要事先发帖子告诉读者，免得他们在电脑前焦急地等待。
    Morrow wouldn't budge and repeatedly told me that the column wouldn't post. My patience wore thin and I told him that he had two choices -- post my column as it was written and I would continue to write whenever I could. Or he could sit on my column and I would tender my resignation immediately.
莫洛不肯让步，不停地对我说，这篇文章不能发表。我渐渐失去耐心，告诉莫洛他有两个选择：要么把我写好的东西第一时间发出去，这样我还会继续写专栏文章；要么就一拍两散，我马上就辞职。
    After a tense exchange of words, Dave would not relent. I watched the crimson array of flickering ticks on my screens, weighing his words.
经过激烈的短兵交接，戴夫还是不愿退后。我看着屏幕上不断闪动的报价，心里在权衡他说的话。
    'Dave, this isn't about my ego or page views,' I said. 'This is about trust. If I leave, I'm not coming back.'
“戴夫，这跟我的自尊或页面浏览量无关，”我说，“这事关信任，如果我走了，就不会再回来。”
    I didn't want to leave and secretly hoped he would back down. But for me, in the midst of million-dollar swings, nervous employees, stressed partners and lost friends, bartering with an editor -- and no contract -- wasn't a source of stress.
其实我不想离开，暗自希望他能让步。但对我来说，现在组合损益以数百万美元的幅度上下波动，员工焦躁不安，合伙人压力巨大，而且最近还失去了不少朋友；因此，跟一个编辑扯皮─而且双方还没有签署合同─根本就谈不上什么压力。
    'You won't resign,' he said boldly, 'You want to be the next Jim Cramer!'
    “你不会辞职的，”他咄咄逼人地说，“你想成为下一个吉姆.克莱默！”
    'No, Dave,' I said matter-of-factly, 'All I ever wanted to be was Todd Harrison.'      “不，戴夫，”我一字一句地说，“我只想做托德.哈里森。”
    The phone sat silent as he weighed his options.
     电话那端沉默了，他也在权衡得失。
    'Listen Todd,' he said, 'Don't make an emotional decision. This has been a rough few weeks for you.'
     “听着，托德，”他说，“别做冲动的决定，我知道这几个星期你的日子不好过。”
    He was right but I didn't respond, opting instead to wait for his next move.
    他说得对，但我没有回答，而是在等他的下文。
    'We're not going to run the column. I'm the editor-in-chief, it's my decision and this is what I've decided.'
    “我们不会发这篇专栏，我是主编，有权做出决定，这就是我的决定。”
    'I quit,' I told him without a trace of emotion. 'I wish you the best of luck.'
     “那我就不干了，”我不带任何感情色彩地说道，“祝你好运。”
      His response was one that I'll never forget. 他的回答让我一辈子都忘不了。
      'Congratulations, Todd,' he said. 'You'll never write in this town again.'
     “恭喜你，托德，”他说，“在这个城市，你再也没有发表文章的机会了。”
      He slammed down the phone as I turned to Jeff and locked eyes. I was purely a trader again and a part of me was considerably relieved by the lesser load.
     他把电话挂断，我回过身，对上杰夫的眼神。现在我又成为一名纯粹的交易员，有一部分自己在为卸下重担而感到雀跃。
     Somewhere in the back of Jeff's mind, I'm quite certain he was as well. 
      我非常清楚，在杰夫的内心深处，他也为此感到高兴。