六十一、The Jedi mind trick  绝地武士
   
I only wrote for a year and a half but the process was part of my daily routine. No matter the mood, regardless of circumstance and without interruption, I shared my thoughts each day on TheStreet.com.
我只写了一年半的时间，但写作已经成为我日常生活的一部分。不管自己情绪怎样，无论发生什么事情，我都毫无间断地每天在TheStreet.com上跟读者分享自己的想法。
    Some days were easier than others, but there was steady consistency. Every move I made and every shift in my outlook was communicated with the world.
有些日子写起来顺手一些，有些日子写起来困难一些，但我的文章始终保持着一种连贯性。我的每一步举动，对未来观点的每一次变化，都与整个世界分享。
    My photo remained on the website above the words 'Todd Harrison's Trading Diary' for weeks after my resignation. It bothered me but I had bigger fish to fry in the form of a bleeding portfolio that suddenly gave back the better part of our year.  我不再发表专栏文章后的数星期，我的照片依然挂在网站上“托德.哈里森交易日记”的标题上面。这让我感到不快，但自己有更紧急的事要处理，组合还在亏损，侵蚀着我们在好年景时攒下来的利润。
    I missed writing but there was plenty to keep me occupied. White powder found in a post office, fresh threats of imminent attacks, those damn planes shaking our office every 15 minutes. It was a surreal sequence of events during a dark time for the world.
我想念写作的日子，但眼前的事情让我无暇顾及其他。邮局发现的白色粉末，再次发动恐怖袭击的威胁，每15分钟让我们办公室震动一次的飞机起降。世界彷佛笼罩在黑暗之中，荒诞不经的事情一件接着一件发生。
    My inbox filled with e-mails from concerned readers. I had an unwritten rule that if someone took the time to write, I would give the courtesy of an answer. As it turned out, that was my only connection to the audience, a microcosm of the subscribers that read me daily. I was silenced without so much as an opportunity to say good-bye.
我的邮箱里满是关心我的读者发来的电子邮件。我对自己有个不成文的要求,既然有人花时间给我写信，我就应该出于礼貌给他们回信。结果，这成了我与读者之间唯一的沟通方式，有那么一小撮人，每天能读到我写的东西。TheStreet.com给我下的封口令如此彻底, 以至于自己都没机会跟读者说再见。
    My readers forwarded me exchanges they had with TheStreet.com, where the editors assured them I was on sabbatical and would soon return.
我的读者将他们与TheStreet.com的沟通邮件转发给我,网站编辑向他们保证，我只是在休假，很快就会回来。
    After digesting my earlier discussions, I understood why they did what they did. They made decisions they believed to be in the best interest of their company. It's not what I would have done but it wasn't my business and I normally wouldn't get involved.
我静下心来回味当时的谈话，渐渐理解了他们这么做的原因。他们认为自己是在维护网站的最大利益，虽然我不会选择这种做法，但这与我无关，而且通常我也不想参与进去。
    But this was different -- these were my readers and I viewed what TheStreet.com did as ethically unacceptable and morally askew. I didn't want to be associated with their brand.
但有一点不可商榷─那些是我的读者，而我认为TheStreet.com的做法不合情理，也不符合职业操守，因此不想再和这个公司产生任何联系。
    Not with regard to my name and not when it came to my word.
 我的名誉不容他们侵犯，我的言论不容他们压制。 

六十二、True colors  知人知面不知心
   
 I called Dave Morrow to vent my frustration and found a new attitude on the other end of the line. 'You just need some time to relax,' he told me, 'take that time and come back when you're ready.'
 我打电话给戴夫.莫洛，发泄自己的不满，结果发现电话那头的态度有了变化。“你只是需要一点时间放松一下，”他对我说，“好好休息，等准备好了再回来。”
    'I told you Dave, I don't work with people I don't trust.' I left it at that, despite the nagging realization that my readers were getting the short end of the stick. “我告诉你戴夫，我从不跟自己不信任的人共事。”我留下这句话就挂断电话，但心里总有些不安，毕竟读者才是这场争斗的受害者。
    Jim was still a central player in our fund, which continued to struggle in the wake of 9/11. Not once during this period did he and I connect. We were still up for the year but the slow, steady grind of the fourth quarter took its toll, both on the fund and its stewards.
 吉姆依然在公司基金中扮演着关键的角色，而基金继续在911的余波中挣扎。在此期间，我们俩从没当面沟通过。基金当时还在赚钱，但难熬的第四季度还是让我们付出了代价，无论是对基金来说，还是对基金的掌舵人来说。
    I didn't discuss TheStreet.com with my partners. They, like I, had more pressing responsibilities. I tried to let the situation settle despite my growing unease with the way it was being handled. 我没跟合伙人讨论TheStreet.com的事。他们和我一样，都有更紧急的职责要履行。我想等局面自己平息下来，但对这件事的处理方式，心里越来越感到不安。
    Each time I saw an advertisement that promoted 'Todd Harrison's Trading Diary,' I looked the other way. 每次我看到网页上跳出“托德.哈里森交易日记”的广告窗口，就会把头扭过去不看。
    With every e-mail I got an e-mail from a concerned reader who asked for the date of my promised return, I internalized the aggravation.
每次我收到读者来信，问我何时回来，我心中都充满愤怒。
    I actually convinced myself that I had put the entire experience behind me until I dialed into TheStreet.com conference call after they reported earnings.
其实，我已经说服自己把整件事放在脑后，直到有一次我以电话会议的方式参加TheStreet.com的业绩报告会。
    While discussing top-line results, CEO Tom Clarke fielded questions from the audience. Marc Cohodes, a well-known hedge-fund manager and a large holder of TheStreet.com stock, finally asked, 'What happened to Todd Harrison and is he ever coming back?' 在交流公司业绩情况后，TheStreet.com的首席执行官汤姆.克拉克(Tom Clarke)接受听众的提问。马克.科蒂斯(Marc Cohodes)是一位知名的对冲基金经理，同时也是Marc Cohodes的大股东。他提出一个问题：“托德.哈里森是怎么回事？他还会回来写专栏吗？”
    Tom paused before answering as I sat up in my seat and pressed the phone to my ear. 汤姆停顿了一下，没有马上回答，我在椅子上坐直，把话筒紧紧靠在自己的耳朵上。 
    'Todd, like all of us, went through a lot and is experiencing emotional difficulties. We hope to have him back soon,' he said. “托德，和我们大家一样，最近经历了很多事情，情绪上有些波动，我们希望他不久后就能回来。”他说道。
    I was managing a $400 million portfolio through a tsunami of terrorism. The last thing I needed was the CEO of a publicly traded company telling the world I was emotionally unstable.   在恐怖主义的狂风骤雨中，我依然坚持管理着四亿美元的组合。我最不需要的就是一个上市公司的首席执行官当着整个世界的面说，我的情绪不太稳定。

六十三、Trading places  交易场所
   
I tried to focus my energy on trading which was a battle unto itself; the frustration was palpable as we clung on to single-digit returns. After 11 months, we had little to show for our efforts. I still had a hefty base salary to fall back on but that was supposed to be a buffer.
我尽力把精力放在交易上，因为这本身就是一场艰苦的战争；组合收益在个位数上徘徊不前，公司弥漫的焦虑情绪显而易见。虽然努力了11个月，但我们依然看不到什么回报。我还有一笔丰厚的底薪可拿，但那应该只是作为底薪才对。
    That's the fatal flaw to the Wall Street persona, the personal high-water mark. Once you make $5 million, anything less feels like a failure.
这就是华尔街人的致命缺陷，会给自己设一个高高的水位线。一旦赚过500万美元的年薪，任何低于这一金额的收入都感觉是失败。
    It's outrageously silly with the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom of experience, but at the time the mindset consumed me.   回过头来，以一种过来人的心态来看，这种想法简直荒唐透顶，但当时我就沉浸在那种思维定式中不可自拔。
    The junior staffers on our desk weren't as secure with their financial standing. I took that personally, and promised them they would be taken care of.    交易席位上中低层员工在经济上还没那么稳固，我对此感到难受，我对他们承诺，我会照顾他们的。
    Insiders at TheStreet.com whispered to me that subscriptions were considerably lower after Sept. 11. I felt guilty: not happy, not validated, not vindicated but guilty. The welfare of those around me -- my traders, my readers and my family -- weighed heavily on my psyche.
TheStreet.com的内部人员悄悄对我说，911事件发生后，网站的订阅用户数量急剧减少。对此，我感到内疚：不是高兴，不是释怀，不是幸灾乐祸，而是内疚。那些围绕在我身边的人─我的交易员、读者和家人们─都在我内心深处占据着重要的位置。
    I missed my column but didn't admit that to anyone. I set out to explore alternatives, another venue that would take the place of my once-stable stage.
我想念自己的专栏，但没对任何人承认这一点。我开始探寻其他一些渠道，以替代那个一度让我埋头写作乐此不疲的专栏。
    I was in need of a solution, a new beginning, something to stop the intense pain. I wanted to create an alternative reality as an escape from the pain that seemed to saturate my spirit. 
我需要一个解决方案，一个新的开端，一个能舒缓巨大痛苦的东西。我想远离现实世界，逃离深入我灵魂深处那钻心蚀骨的痛苦。 

六十四、

   进入9月份的前几个月，我跟一个名叫凯茜.加农(Casey Cannon)的女人成为朋友。她给我发来电子邮件，而我和以往一样，对花时间写信过来的人总是尽可能地回复。从一开始，我们之间就很有感觉，她说的话和问的问题都正对我的脾气。
   她在娱乐圈取得不俗的成就，以前在乔治.卢卡斯(George Lucas)的工业光魔公司(Industrial Light and Magic)工作，后来自立门户。互联网电影数据库(Internet Movie Database)的档案显示，她曾参与30多部电影的制作，和该行业的顶尖人才一起共事过。
   凯茜跟吉姆一家都很熟，并为他制作了退休的纪录片。她作品的高品质吸引了我的注意力。
   劳动节的时候，我去毛伊岛看望父亲，凯茜建议我在洛杉矶停留一下，彼此见个面。当时她正在负责卡梅伦•克罗(Cameron Crowe)导演的电影“香草的天空”(Vanilla Sky)的开场部分，问我想不想客串出演个小角色。我从没演过电影，因此一口答应下来。
   我的镜头只有一瞬间，但花了10小时才拍完。航班推后到第二天，给我们多出进一步了解对方的时间。我突然有个灵感，还从来没人把金融和娱乐结合在一起；华尔街的人大多想出名，而好莱坞的很多人看中华尔街的钱，看起来真是天作之合。
   我把自己的想法告诉她，希望通过“呼呼”(Hoofy)和“嘘嘘”(Boo)这两个卡通角色来传递金融信息。虽然华尔街的牛和熊在全世界大行其道，但没人给它们起上卡通名字，画出卡通造型；而动画作为老少皆宜的一种表现形式，在社会各个阶层都有广大的爱好者。
   “既然沃特.迪斯尼(Walt Disney)能把两只小老鼠变成一种文化的象征，”我对凯茜说，“我们也能把华尔街的牛和熊演绎成卡通角色，用它们来传递金融观点，影响人们对市场的看法。”
   在不交易的时候，我的精力从TheStreet.com转移到这个新平台上来─让牛和熊这两个代表金融市场起落的象征符号变成卡通人物，并和谐地生活在一起，远离真实世界的各种陷阱和痛苦。我想创造出这样一个世界来，而凯茜拥有的技能可以帮我实现梦想。
   “你觉得花多少钱能搞定？”我在登机前问凯茜。
   “最多三万美元。”她回答，价钱听上去挺合理。此时去毛伊岛看望父亲的我，不但拥有丰富的从业经验，而且已经稳稳地在华尔街站住脚跟，同时正把眼光投向好莱坞。
   “我想让‘呼呼’和‘嘘嘘’在镜头前讨论金融市场的是非曲直，”临上飞机前，我对凯茜说，“这是一个思考的平台，一个征集各种观点的平台，一个社区…”
   我停下来想了一下，找到了一个能隐约概括这些内涵、用于犹太教里一起祈祷人数的名字：“就管它叫Minyanville吧。”

In the months leading into September, I developed a friendship with a woman named Casey Cannon. She reached out through e-mail and I responded, as I always did to those who took the time to write. Our connection was unique from the beginning; she asked the right questions and said the right things.
She was an accomplished player in the entertainment arena, having worked for Industrial Light and Magic with George Lucas before venturing out on her own. Her profile on Internet Movie Database featured more than 30 films in which she worked with the best and the brightest in that industry.
Casey knew Jim and his family well; she produced his retirement video. That caught my attention for the high production quality of the work.
During my Labor Day trip to Maui to see my father, Casey suggested I stop in Los Angeles so we could meet. She was directing the opening sequence on Cameron Crowe's 'Vanilla Sky' and asked if I wanted a cameo role. Having never been in a feature film, I jumped at the chance.
The split-second shot took 10 hours to produce, which pushed my flight to the next day and gave us time to get acquainted. I mused that nobody ever bridged finance and entertainment; as most people on Wall Street want to be famous and many in Hollywood want Wall Street's money, it seemed like an intuitive fit.

I introduced the notion of Hoofy and Boo as vehicles of information. While the Wall Street bull and bear played globally, nobody ever put faces or names to them. Animation is a generationally neutral genre that has an audience throughout the societal spectrum.

'If Walt Disney can brand two rodents as cultural icons,' I told Casey, 'we can take the Wall Street bull and bear, and affect position change through financial understanding.'

When I wasn't trading, my focus shifted from TheStreet.com to the concept of this new platform -- one where metaphorical representations of financial dynamics could live in harmony, away from the pitfalls and pain in the real world. I wanted to build this world and Casey possessed the skills to facilitate my dream.

'How much do you think we can do it for?' I asked her before finally boarding my flight.

'Thirty grand, tops,' she replied, which sounded reasonable enough. With experience in tow, Wall Street as a stable foundation and Hollywood in my sights, I headed to Maui to see my father.

'It'll be a place where Hoofy and Boo will gather to debate the merits of the financial markets.' I said as I readied to board the plane, 'A platform for thought, a collection of opinions, a community...'

I paused to think and drew a veiled analogy to a quorum necessary for prayer: 'We'll call it Minyanville.'

六十五、又见面了

   2000年，我发现父亲患有躁郁症，后来得知自己的合伙人吉姆.克莱默也患有同样的病症。2001年的四月，我失去了祖父鲁比。悲痛刚刚有所缓解，又看到两架飞机撞上曼哈顿的世贸中心。这是一段黑暗而自省的日子，在这种情况下，最能了解自己内心深处的东西。
   Minyanville就像一只在地球余烬上浴火重生的凤凰，把我带离自己不想面对的凡世尘嚣。我的肺部彷佛呼吸到了充满生命活力的空气；这是一个避难所，一个从痛苦之地通往光明和欢快世界的通道，没有恐怖袭击、没有恶意、没有办公室政治，也没有议程。
   我依然把精力放在对冲基金上，尝试各种方法来重新把握住自己一度已经习以为常的交易感觉；然而，基金的表现忽上忽下，利润微薄，与上一年高歌奋进、大赚特赚的情景形成鲜明对比。
   11月末的一天，离闭市还有一小时，我的电话响了。是吉姆打来的，这是我从TheStreet.com辞职后他第一次跟我接触。当时，我的感觉可谓百味杂陈，既兴奋，又不安，还带着一点谨慎。我完全不知道他想说什么，但还是很高兴听到以前朋友的声音。
   “嘿，伙计！”他充满热情地开场，“我想让你今晚上我的节目。”
   吉姆作为电视人正在焕发第二春，和莱瑞.科德罗(Larry Kudlow) 共同主持“今日美国”(America Now)节目。
   “我倒是想，”我跟他解释，“但最近状态不太好。”这是事实，现在的我可谓身心俱疲。然而，这个说法并不管用。
   吉姆翻来覆去地想要说服我，我感觉这次是躲不过去了。“好吧，”我说，“我晚上七点到CNBC演播室，把节目录好。”这次访谈的题目是即将实施的2001年度经济刺激方案，以及我对一些股票的走势判断。
   经过911的大洗盘后，股市大幅上扬，上演了一场绝地大反攻。在市场那“看不见的手”的稳步推动下，爱国主义很快演变为对股市的高度乐观。当时，市场一致看多，任何不一样的声音都会被视为不爱国，遭到人们的唾骂。
   好几年后，公开讨论美国政府“跌市保护组” (Plunge Protection Team)的是非利弊才不至于被冠以“阴谋论”的帽子。虽然我们在911恐怖袭击后最初制定的交易策略是对的，但基金的表现没能跟上股市大涨的步伐。
   我们在市场暴跌时没能坚守住立场，接着又在市场大涨时踏空，气得牙直痒。机会总比损失更容易弥补，但已经失去的市场机会就像是给新鲜的伤口上抹了一把盐。
   两位主持人在讨论税收刺激政策和市场心理，而我在旁边应和着，扮演好自己的角色。当镜头转向我时，我尽可能清晰地表达出自己的想法。
   “基金经理正在努力追赶市场的表现，”我在谈到股市大涨时说，“我看到市场的趋势，并尊重这种趋势，但不认为能够长久持续下去。资产泡沫的结果不会是V型反转。”

六十六、The morning after  次日早上
   
I settled into my turret at 6 a.m. the next day, powered up my systems and found six e-mails waiting from Jim. They began early in the morning and I read them in chronological order. The first was innocent enough, something along the lines of 'Hey man, thanks for doing the show.'
 第二天清晨六点，我来到自己的交易席位，把电脑打开，发现吉姆发过来六封电子邮件，第一封是一大早就发来的。我按时间先后阅读这些邮件，第一封没什么特别的，吉姆说了几句诸如“伙计，谢谢来做节目”之类的话。
    As I scrolled through the correspondence, his stream of consciousness began to shift. He became increasingly agitated and, by the sixth e-mail, outright rude. I read his final e-mail a few times.
我一封封接着看，发现他的意识流开始发生变化，情绪越来越躁动，到第六封的时候，已经变得异常粗鲁。最后一封邮件让我看了好几遍。
    'I had you on my show, the least you can do is write a column for TheStreet.com. If you don't want to respond to me, then FINE!'
“我让你上节目，你至少该给TheStreet.com写篇文章。既然你不想给我回复，那就算了!”
    I didn't know if the invitation to be on his show was a trap. I was at a crossroads; I wasn't concerned that his internal fires were ablaze but I didn't want to bite his hand. He still had money in the fund and he had our investor's ears.
我不知道上他的节目是不是一个陷阱，但这让我左右为难。我并不在意吉姆的火气大小，但也不想跟他对着干，毕竟他在公司的基金里有投资，而且其他投资者也听他的。
    I spoke to Jeff and told him I would write a column if it would calm the furor. Maybe it was a legal thing, given TheStreet.com told my readers I was coming back. I don't know and I really didn't care. I wanted to make peace with the man and move on with my career.
我跟杰夫谈了谈，说打算写篇文章安抚一下吉姆的情绪。这算是合情合理，因为TheStreet.com对读者说我还会回来的。我说不清这其中的纠葛，也不想去弄清楚，只是想和吉姆和解，好让我踏踏实实地干自己的事。
    I agreed to write a year-end piece chronicling what was, what is and what would be. It was a strong column, as I wanted to represent my voice in a manner consistent with what was built. While I wrote with the intention of it being one and done, it reminded me of how much I loved to write and how much I missed the forum.
我答应写一篇年底的总结性文章，回顾过去，审视现在，并展望一下未来。这是一篇有份量的文章，我想用以往树立起来的那种风格阐述自己的观点。虽然是抱着一锤子买卖的心态来写文章，但整个过程还是让我感受到自己有多么喜爱写作，有多么想念这个专栏。
    After the column posted, Dave Morrow called and asked if we could talk. 'Sure,' I replied. 'Swing by tomorrow after the bell.'
文章发表后，总编戴夫.莫洛打来电话，说想跟我谈谈。“当然可以，”我说，“明天闭市后到我这里来吧。”
    When he got to my office, I left my traders on the desk and ushered Dave to a conference room. Once there, he expressed his regret over what happened, apologized with sincerity and asked me to come back to TheStreet.com.
戴夫来到我的办公室，我让交易员帮我照看一下席位，然后带他去会议室。一到那里，他就说很后悔以往发生的种种事情，真心实意地向我道歉，并请我重回TheStreet.com。
    I told him that I needed a few days. I knew why he was there and it had nothing to do with my best interests. Still, it was something that I wanted, perhaps needed.   我告诉他自己需要几天考虑一下。我知道他为什么来，也知道他并非在为我的利益考虑。不过，这个结果是我想要的，可能也是自己需要的。

六十七、Idea man  绝妙主意
   
I spent some time chewing through his offer and asked for another meeting, this one at a restaurant. Over a Grey Goose martini, I laid out my thoughts to the top brass of TheStreet.com. 我花时间考虑戴夫的邀请，并要求再次会面，这次安排在一个餐厅。喝上一杯灰雁(Grey Goose)马提尼后，我把自己的想法向TheStreet.com的高管们和盘托出。
    'Why don't we partner on a professional product, one that's geared to the hedge-fund audience? I'll provide content, you guys run the back end and we'll whack up the revenue.'      “我们何不联手推出一个专业产品，为对冲基金的投资者量身定做。我来提供内容，你们负责后台工作，赚的钱大家分。”
    'Great idea!' they exclaimed while huddling and conferring, 'Let us put our heads together and we'll get back to you in a few days.'    “好主意！”他们凑在一起商量了会儿，说，“我们内部碰个头，过几天跟你联系。”
    Later that week, we again met and they laid their cards on the table. 'Three percent of the gross revenue,' they said, 'We'll give you 3% of the gross revenue.' I'm not sure what I was expecting but I was clearly underwhelmed.
过了几天，我们再次见面，他们给出了条件。“百分之三的总收入，”他们说，“给你3%的总收入。”很难说我的期望值到底是多少，但这个报价显然引不起我的兴趣。
    'I don't think so,' I answered before realizing I was speaking, 'That's not going to work.' They asked what it would take to get the deal done and I told them I would need to think about it. I returned to my office, where 200 positions awaited, and tried to focus on the task at hand.
“恐怕不行，”我不假思索地说，“这可干不了。”他们问我想要多少才愿意干，我说得考虑一下。我回到办公室，那里有200个交易头寸等着处理，我努力把注意力集中在手头的工作上。
    While I was surprised by their opening offer, I knew that was how the game was played. I spent the rest of the week asking myself difficult questions and weighing past transgressions against my desire to write again. When push came to shove, I knew what I had to do and was willing to swallow my pride.
虽然他们的开价之低出乎我的意料，但我知道这是一个讨价还价的游戏。在那个星期剩下的时间里，我一直在问自己一些难答的问题，回顾以往的得失利弊，权衡是否要再次动笔。在需要做出重大决定的时候，我知道自己应该干什么，也愿意做出一些让步。
    I called Dave the next morning and told him that it wasn't about the money, and that I was willing to move forward. I told him I didn't want to write for a professional audience on the new site and preferred my regular column.
第二天早上，我给戴夫打去电话，告诉他钱不是问题所在，自己愿意继续合作，但不想在新网站上为专业投资者写文章，而愿意写以前那个专栏。
    I wanted to write for those who wrote my grandfather letters on his deathbed. I wanted to write for myself and release the hurricane in my heart. 我想为那些给我病榻上的祖父写信的人写文章，我想为自己写文章，把内心狂风骤雨的情绪发泄出去。
    'We can't do that,' he suddenly said, 'We can't have our best writer on the old site while we're launching a professional product aimed at hedge funds.'
“我们没法答应，”他突然说，“既然已经打算推出一个针对对冲基金的专业产品，我们就不能把最好的专栏作者放在旧网站上。”
    I was prepared for many things but I was shocked by that latest twist. 'We have nothing left to discuss,' I said as I hung up the phone, disgusted at myself for being so vulnerable. 我已经有应对各种可能性的心理准备，但这种说法还是让我十分震惊。“那就没什么好谈的了。”我说，并挂断了电话，心里非常郁闷，自己怎么老是被人算计。
    It was a good idea and they knew it. They were going to launch it, with or without me.
 那是个好主意，他们知道这一点。不管有没有我，他们都要推出新网站。

六十八、全力前进

   2001年结束了，而我和TheStreet.com的合作也寿终正寝。他们又找过我几次，提出一些诱人的条件─比如六位数的薪水，以及六位数的股票期权─但这些都不管用。我告诉他们，自己从不跟不信任的人沾边。有一点我很清楚，如果再跟他们合作，那只能怪我自作自受了。
   年终的时候，我们的基金只有一点点盈利；但我心里终于放下了一块大石头，毕竟又有新的一年可以施展手脚。这就是华尔街的运作方式─每年的12月31日业绩归零，每个人都要从头开始新的一年。
   911事件后，我的情绪一直低落，一方面要跟市场拼杀，另一方面又发现媒体业的真实嘴脸。此外，我还在跟抑郁症这个魔鬼抗争；当然，好几年后我才意识到这一点。在经历过那些场面后─跳楼的人、飞机撞击以及冲过来的火球─我在潜意识里遭受到了沉重的打击。
   2002年是一个全新的开始，我张开双臂迎接它的到来，并有信心驾驭市场的起伏并有所斩获。我知道TheStreet.com请基金经理道格.卡斯(Doug Kass)来做我原来在新产品中的工作。道格是我的朋友，在接受这份工作前，跟我谈了这件事。
   摆在我眼前的还有更重要的事情。我把主要精力放在基金上，因为我的两年合约已经进入第二年；另一个关注的方面是Minyanville，因为它承载着我的希望和梦想。与其说这是一个商业实践，不如说是我的使命；既是一个完全自我的目标，也是心灵的栖息之地。
   在周末和平时的晚上，我们不停地搭建三维建模，让“呼呼”和“嘘嘘”这两个卡通角色活起来。我对凯茜说过，计划投入30,000美元做这个项目，但预算很快就显得过于保守。我的目标不是推出TheStreet.com这样的网站，而是一个更有魄力的计划，甚至更加宏大。
   我希望建立一个把华尔街市场(Wall Street)和平民百姓(Main Street)对接起来的社区，一个世界一流的平台，既有教育和娱乐功能，又让人愿意投入其中。我想改变世界，什么也无法阻止我，吉姆.克莱默不行，TheStreet.com不行，金钱当然也不行。
   我手头不缺钱，因此不惜工本地打造Minyanville。我们请到了曾经获得奥斯卡最佳特效奖的动画大师约翰.贝尔(John Bell)来设计“呼呼”和“嘘嘘”的人物造型。凯茜在加州Santa Monica的家中办公，建设Minyanville网站。

Full steam ahead

As 2001 ended, my relationship with TheStreet.com died with it. They came back a few times with lucrative offers -- a lofty six-figure salary and multiple six-figure stock options -- but the numbers didn't register. I told them that I don't associate with people I didn't trust and knew if I worked with them again, I would only have myself to blame.
Our fund finished the year slightly above the flat line and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that my performance anxiety had a new shelf life. That was the way it worked on Wall Street -- the registers were cleared at the end of Dec. 31 and everyone started from scratch.
I was emotionally spent after Sept. 11, battling the market and discovering the ugly truth behind the media landscape. I was also fighting the demon of depression, although I wouldn't realize that for a few more years. Seeing what I saw -- the jumpers, the impact and the fireball -- took a heavy, subconscious toll on me.
The year 2002 was a new beginning and I embraced it with open arms and confidence that I could shoulder the load and shed the baggage. I knew TheStreet.com gave my position in their new product to fund manager Doug Kass. Doug and I were friends and spoke about the offer before he accepted it.
I had bigger fish to fry as I eyed my immediate future. My primary focus was the fund, where I was entering the second year of a two-year deal. The other was Minyanville, which encapsulated my hopes and dreams. It was more of a mission than a business venture; it was entirely personal and very much an escape.
On weekends and at night, we worked incessantly on building wire frames that would bring Hoofy and Boo to life. I told Casey I would spend $30,000 on the project but that quickly proved conservative. My intention wasn't to build TheStreet.com -- the ambition was much larger than that, perhaps even grandiose.
I envisioned a community that bridged Wall Street and Main Street, a world-class platform that educated, entertained and engaged. I wanted to change the world and nothing was going to stop me. Not Jim Cramer, not TheStreet.com and certainly not money.
I had a stash of cash and spared no expense. We enlisted the help of John Bell, an animator once nominated for an Academy Award for special effects, to illustrate Hoofy and Boo. Casey worked from her Santa Monica home office and created the Minyanville platform.

六十九、分配时间

   基金的利润乏善可陈，一半是因为市场新的走势捉摸不透，另一半是因为我们的心理状态还没有调整好。我每天凌晨五点醒来，与杰夫、马特以及我们受到冲击但还算稳定的团队共同管理基金，晚上回家后就琢磨Minyanville这个新发现的兴趣所在。
   晚餐可以随便对付，周末的朋友聚会可以延期。我每天工作20个小时，把自己关在家里，拔掉电话线，拉上窗帘。当时，我并不知道自己患有“创伤后压力心理障碍症”(post-traumatic stress disorder)和抑郁症，而是下意识地埋头于Minyanville的建设当中，那是一个脱离现实、由卡通人物唱主角的平行空间。
   我知道，这听上去很怪异，但它拯救了我的生活。
   Cramer Berkowitz公司在试图稳步前进，但内部的气氛有些紧张。我不清楚杰夫和吉姆在私下谈什么，但觉得他们的态度都有些微妙。吉姆知道我在创建Minyanville网站，非常不高兴。
   克莱默需要一个敌人来给他动力，如果没有敌人，他就会自己造一个出来。
   我并不害怕，这似乎让他有些困惑；但我清楚，他对公司基金的投资者是有影响力的。我们的员工情绪低落，毕竟他们经历了根本不该经历的恐怖事件。Cramer Berkowitz那种特有的无拘无束的轻松氛围基本消失了，因为我们不再能够战胜市场。
   基金的平庸表现并非因为吉姆的离开。事实上，我认为公司不受吉姆大起大落的情绪影响后，运作更为有效。很简单，整个世界变了，而我们仍处于情绪的困惑之中，分不清盟友和敌人，地缘政治的影响也让我们无所适从。
   纯真年代一去不复返，我们的国家正在准备战争。
   内心深处，我也在准备打一场自己的战争。

Dividing time

Profits at the fund were elusive, due in equal parts to the new market dynamic and our admittedly frazzled psyche. I awoke at 5 a.m. each day and managed the fund with Jeff, Matt and our shaken but steady crew before returning home at night to brainstorm on my newfound passion.
Dinners and weekends with friends had to wait. I worked 20-hour days and locked myself in my apartment, turning off the phone and closing the curtains. I wasn't aware I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I hid from it in Minyanville, a parallel universe with animated critters.
It sounds strange, I know, but it saved my life.
The mood within Cramer Berkowitz was strained as we attempted to forge ahead. I wasn't privy to conversations between Jeff and Jim but assumed they were tenuous. Jim understood I was creating Minyanville and was entirely displeased.
Cramer needed an enemy to motivate him and would create one if necessary.
I wasn't intimidated, which seemed to bother him, but I was aware that he had influence with our investors. It took a toll on our staff, particularly after experiencing horrors that nobody should be forced to endure. The freewheeling fun that was the hallmark of our corporate culture was gone in no small part because we were no longer beating the street.
Our sudden mediocrity wasn't a function of Jim's absence. In fact, I would argue that the firm was more functional without his wild, emotional swings. It was simply a new world and we were in the middle of a confused conduit of emotions, alliances and geopolitical agendas.
Our innocence was gone and our country was preparing for war.
Internally, I readied for the exact same thing.

七十、

   我祖父鲁比曾对我说过，时间是最贵重的商品。我从未真正理解这句话的含义，直到2002年。
   我每天疯狂地工作20小时，试图白天为基金赚钱，晚上打造自己的Minyanville王国，甚至连周末也不放过。传统意义上衡量成功者的那些标准再也无法激励我，我的内心有一种渴望，想以一种积极的方式传递自己的能量。
   我知道，911改变了我，在我潜意识里埋下种子，潜伏长达数年之久。当时，我以为只要埋头苦干，最后就能到达一个更美好的地方。
   痛失祖父鲁比，发现父亲及生意合伙人都有完全不同的两面性，又身处一场恐怖大袭击的中心地带，这一切促使我反复思考。我对自己说，只要能努力度过这段日子，什么也阻挡不了我。只要能够度过……
   我的灵魂和精神受到创伤，每一次沉重的心跳，都在提醒我这个不可避免的事实。我变得很少出门，快速远离我以往的生活方式。
   朋友们邀我出去，但谁有那个时间？要干的活儿太多，当我不工作的时候，就睡上几小时，内心还要宽慰自己，就当这几个小时是出去玩了。最后，电话不响了，社交邀请慢慢消失，几乎没人再来关注我。
   我不能，也不想继续这样下去。记得有一天清晨，我看着镜子里的自己，那是一张疲惫而又空洞的面孔。震惊整个世界的911事件，就像一石激起千层浪，让我深深地反省自己，改变自己。
   我创建了鲁比派克儿童教育基金会(Ruby Peck Foundation for Children's Education)，以此表达对祖父的敬意，他的智慧仍在不断指引着我前行。这个基金会是我对祖父深切之爱的具体表现，也是在这个突然变得陌生的世界里传递关爱的一个渠道。
  关爱。911发生后的那几天，世界确实闪现出关爱的火花，但很快就被尘嚣琐事埋没了。这本应是一个契机，让全世界携起手来做出积极改变，但当时的各种决策却埋下了社会对立和动荡不安的种子。
   我想做更多的事，我不想自己的墓志铭上写着：“他对股市的感觉不错。”
   以前，有人让我写写自己熟悉并热爱的东西，现在，我想把这个命题扩大到自己的人生。我熟悉金融市场，爱着自己的祖父。而Minyanville和鲁比派克基金会是能结合两者的最佳解决方案。
   我日以继夜地孕育着它们，这是一个昂贵的现实，最终要花费数百万美元，吸走我每一盎司的能量。
   小时变成天，天变成星期，星期变成月。还没等我回过味来，已经到了2002年的年底。
   快到重设时钟的时候了。

My grandfather Ruby once told me that time is the most precious commodity; I never understood what he meant until 2002.
I worked furious 20-hour days, trying to create profits by day and Minyanville at nights and during weekends. I wasn't motivated by conventional measures of success; it was an internal need to channel energy in a positive way.
I knew 9/11 affected me. Subconscious seeds were planted that day, and they remained buried for years. At the time, I thought that if I could just burrow through, I would eventually arrive at a better place.
I reflected on losing Ruby, on finding out my father and business partner were both bipolar and on being at the epicenter of a massive terrorist attack. I thought to myself that nothing would ever stop me if I could just power though that period. If I could just power through...
My soul and spirit were damaged goods, an unavoidable fact that pounded home with each beat of my heavy heart. I didn't go out much, a rapid departure from the life I once lived.
My friends reached out, but who had time for that? There was too much to do, or that was my internal rationalization for stealing a few hours of sleep when I wasn't working. Eventually my phone stopped ringing and social invitations dried up. I barely noticed.
I couldn't continue at that pace and didn't want to. I remember looking into the mirror one morning and not recognizing the drawn, empty face that returned my stare. The events of Sept. 11 rocked the world and the reverberating energy was the genesis of a massive personal introspection and evolution.
I founded The Ruby Peck Foundation for Children's Education as a tribute to my grandfather, who continued to guide me with his learned wisdom. It was a tangible manifestation of an intense love, a vehicle to channel benevolence in a suddenly unfamiliar world.
Benevolence. It glimmered briefly in the days following the attack but disappeared just as quickly when agendas took root. It was an opportunity for the world to pull together and affect positive change but instead, decisions were made that planted seeds of societal acrimony and social unrest.
I wanted to do more. I didn't want this written on my headstone: 'He had a good feel for the market.'
Someone told me to write about what I know and love, and I wanted to extend that to my life. I knew financial markets and I loved my grandfather. Minyanville and the Ruby Peck Foundation were the only solutions that made any sense.
I spent countless hours birthing both. It was an expensive reality, ultimately costing millions and absorbing every ounce of my energy.
The hours turned to days, days into weeks and weeks into months. Before I knew it, I was staring at the final stretch of 2002.
It was almost time to reset the clocks. 

七十一、Houston, we have liftoff...  火箭升空
   
We launched Minyanville.com in October 2002 as a 'financial infotainment and education' platform.    2002年10月，我们推出了Minyanville.com，作为一个“金融信息娱乐及教育”平台。
    TheStreet.com chose that exact day to open their site for free as we pulled back our curtain. I knew they were watching but I underestimated their agenda. 就在Minyanville.com登台亮相那天，TheStreet.com选择同一天免费开放其网站。我知道他们在盯着，但低估了他们对抗的决心。
    I reached out to them before launch, offering my content for free as long as it was branded to Minyanville.  之前，我跟TheStreet.com联系过，提出愿意免费提供我网站上的内容，只要注明资料来自Minyanville就行。
    Their response essentially was: Go screw yourself -- you're the enemy now. They were ruthless but they weren't dummies. The last thing they were going to do was lead readers directly to me.    他们的答复基本上是：去你的吧─现在你是敌人。他们冷酷无情，但并不愚蠢；他们最不愿做的，就是把读者引到我的网站上去。
    I searched TheStreet.com and realized they deleted most of my content from the archives. Countless travails from the inner elasticity of the bubble, personal reflections about my grandfather, the tribute I wrote to Bill Meehan, steadying words to investors on how to position for the new world -- all were gone.
我搜索TheStreet.com网站上的内容，发现我的绝大多数文章都从资料库里删除了。无数对市场泡沫膨胀和破灭的记述，对我祖父留下智慧的思索，对比尔.米汉(Bill Meehan)寄托的哀思，以及孜孜不倦告诉投资者该如何在新时代找到准确定位的文字－－全都不见了。
    Founder Jim Cramer took some of his money out of the Cramer Berkowitz fund where I worked and I could tell he was leaning on his co-founder in the fund, Jeff Berkowitz, now my partner and good friend. It was a tough spot for Jeff and the stress was evident. Imagine working with someone you genuinely love, a person who chose you to facilitate his success only to become a source of stress instead.        在我工作的Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金，创始人吉姆.克莱默从基金中撤出了一部分资金。我能看得出来，他对基金的另一个创始人，也是我现在的合伙人和好朋友，杰夫.伯克维兹寄予厚望。杰夫的处境很难，压力可想而知。想象一下，一个你真正喜欢的同事把自己的成功寄托在你身上，这只会给你带来莫大的压力。
    It was the middle of December; we were fried after yet another year of battle. Our 2002 results mirrored those of a year earlier, positive gains but well below what we were capable of doing. 12月中旬到了，经过又一年的拼搏，我们还是有点力不从心。2002年的基金业绩与一年前的情况一样，取得了正收益，但低于我们本应能够达到的水平。 
    And we were miserable, an unpleasant dynamic in any environment but an absolute barrier when battling for performance in the fierce world of finance. If you're not on the same wavelength as the guy next to you in the trenches, you won't shoot straight when performance is in your sights.
我们过得都不开心，在任何环境下，这都不是个令人愉快的局面，尤其是在为突出业绩而激烈竞争的金融圈，绝对会形成一个巨大的障碍。如果你和坐在旁边交易席位上的同事无法以同一个波段进行沟通，那么在向业绩这个靶子射击时，不可能打得很准。
    Just as Jeff and I communicated without words while trading, we had a similar connection away from the tape. He also endured the pressure of another tough year and was equally aware our relationship was strained. He had Jim on one side, our investors on the other and a staff that relied on us both to put food on their table. 杰夫和我在交易时心有灵犀，在交易之外也有类似的感觉。他同样承受着又一年收成不好所带来的压力，同样清楚我们之间的关系有些紧张。他的天平一边是吉姆，一边是基金的投资者，此外还有一帮指望我们俩给饭吃的员工。
    He, like me, wore his heart on his sleeve and I could see it beating a mile away.  他，和我一样，都恨不得把心掏给别人看。在一英里外，我就能看到那颗善良的心在跳动。 

七十二、  Exit strategy  退出策略
   
Our conversation started as any other, with me asking him if we could get off the desk and chat. When we shut the door to his office, there was a silence that spoke volumes about what needed to be said. I don't know how the conversation would have gone if I didn't start it but imagine the outcome would have been much the same. It was one of the most honest and heartfelt discussions we ever shared.
那次谈话的开始和以往任何一次一样，我问他能不能离开交易席位谈一下。我们走进他的办公室，关上门，两人都沉默起来，仿佛是在权衡接下来的谈话要用多大的音量。我不知道如果自己不先开口，谈话会如何进行下去，但觉得结果应该都差不多。这是我们之间最开诚布公、最交心的一次谈话。
    'This isn't working,' I began as we looked into each other's eyes. 'I agree,' he responded, quicker than I anticipated. As partners, we knew what needed to be done but as friends, we were saddened that it came to that. He knew I was in the throes of building Minyanville and deep down, I knew it wasn't fair to put him in that position.
 “看来不行。”我开口说，彼此看着对方的眼睛。“我同意。”他回答，比我想象的要快。作为合伙人，我们知道应该做什么；但作为朋友，我们都很伤心，事情不得不走到这一步。他知道我正在策划Minyanville，而且投入很深；而我清楚，让他面对这种局面很不公平。
    Writing while trading was a great idea when your partner owned the company and performance was pristine. It was a different dynamic when you're viewed as competition and profits are elusive.
当你的合伙人是公司老板，而且投资业绩骄人时，一边交易一边写作是个好主意。但当你被视为竞争对手，而且公司业绩低迷时，情况就大不一样了。
    Twenty minutes later, I tendered my resignation. Twenty minutes. After fifteen years of friendship and three years of blood, sweat, tears and laughter, we were going our separate ways. 20分钟后，我提出了自己的辞呈。20分钟。经过十五年的友谊，度过三年流血流汗、欢喜悲伤的日子后，我们不得不分道扬镳。
    It was the middle of December -- almost three years to the day after we uncorked bottles at Gramercy Tavern -- and I suddenly had no idea where I was going to hang my hat. That's a problem when you've already spent a million dollars on a Web site predicated on the financial markets.          12月的中旬－－距离我们在Gramercy Tavern餐厅喝酒已经快有三年了－－我突然发现自己无处可去。当你早就在一个金融网站上投入100万美元时，这是一个大问题。
    For the first time, the reality of the situation hit home. I had three weeks to relocate and two of them were booked on vacation. I took my traders to dinner that night and over several rounds of drinks, assured them they would be taken care of. They were family but in a few short weeks, I needed a new home.      我第一次感觉到，现实世界是如此现实。我有三个星期重新安置的时间，其中两周已经预订了休假。辞职那天晚上，我跟手下的交易员一起吃晚饭，酒过三巡后，我拍胸脯说，我走了他们的日子还会过得很好。他们曾是我的家人，但几个星期后，我又得寻找新家了。
    I hadn't a clue where that would be.  而我根本不知道，自己的新家在什么地方。
 

七十三、换了人间

   没过多久，我辞职的事就传开了。华尔街是个很小的地方，消息传得很快。我们的交易券商－－从高盛到摩根士丹利，从贝尔斯登到雷曼兄弟－－都靠Cramer Berkowitz对冲基金的交易佣金赚得盆满钵满。在我任交易主管的时候，每年要付给他们7000万到9000万美元的佣金。
   他们很不乐意见到与其关系融洽的看门人把钥匙交还给城堡，尤其是当这个城堡的业务进展顺利之时。我向他们保证，接班人会很不错；但自己的下一步该怎么走，心里却没那么有把握。
   Minyanville推出后，我是唯一一个在上面写文章的人，鲁比派克基金会也比我预期的更烧钱。我需要一个家园，让我能跟上市场脉动，并增加一些收入。   当了12年的交易员后，我认识一些关注我去哪里工作的朋友。我接触了几份工作邀请，但不知道该往哪个方向去。
   有个以前的同事打电话来，让我在做任何决定之前先跟他见个面。他和一个受人尊敬的基金经理共事，那个基金公司位于纽约的公园大道(Park Avenue)。作为其业务模式的组成部分，他们经营一个“对冲基金酒店”，为对冲基金提供办公空间、交易系统和人力资源支持，用来交换他们的交易订单和佣金。
   我走进他们的办公楼，富丽堂皇的大厅让我印象深刻，一些全球最大的金融机构在其间办公。我参观了一下，和公司高管坐下来聊天，听取可能的合作方式。“你应该考虑设立自己的基金，”他们说，“这里的设施一应俱全，我们可以帮你处理各种事务和文书工作。”
   我没有深入考虑过这个可能性，但自己需要一个家，他们看上去很友善，而且设施不错。
   他们信任我，这是我不会忽略的东西。Minyanville每个月要花5万美元，而我还有其他的各种支出。此外，在911后，设立一个非盈利基金会所要付出的努力和投入的成本非常巨大。
   我需要有些收入进帐，想找到一份能让我的交易专长与写作欲望和平共处的工作。我在摩根士丹利培养了技能，在Galleon得到进一步磨练，在Cramer Berkowitz一展身手，建立起华尔街最好的交易席位之一。在倾听对冲基金可能的架构时，我开始在心里盘算起得失来。
   一个正常的对冲基金收取委托资产1%的管理费，以及利润的20%作为业绩提成。但他们提出一个不同的设想，不收管理费，但业绩提成提高到50%。这是为华尔街最出色的交易员特别设计的架构，一种前轻后重的薪酬方式，一切靠业绩说话。
   他们愿意向我提供种子基金，而我对自己的能力充满信心，把大部分的积蓄也投入进来，其他一些人也纷纷拿钱加入。很快，我就把私人物品和一些体育赛事纪念品搬到了位于公园大道的新家。

Blink and you're in business
It didn't take long for word to spread. Wall Street is a small place when it comes to news. Our trading coverage -- from Goldman to Morgan to Bear Stearns to Lehman Brothers -- lined their pockets with commissions generated by Cramer Berkowitz. That number totaled between $70 million and $90 million per year during my tenure running the desk.
They weren't happy their gatekeeper was relinquishing the keys to the castle, particularly when the castle did business the right way. As I assured them that our desk would be in strong hands, I was less certain about my next move.
Minyanville launched, I was the only writer and the Ruby Peck Foundation proved costlier than I anticipated. I needed a home that allowed me to stay in the flow and make some dough. After 12 years of trading, I had peers who had a vested interest where I landed. I listened to a few offers, unsure of which direction to pursue.
A former colleague called and asked me to meet with him before I made any decision. He worked with a reputable money manager at a fund located on Park Avenue. As part of their business model, they operated a 'hedge fund hotel,' providing space, trading systems and human capital in exchange for order flow and trading commissions.
I walked to their offices and was impressed with the large marble lobby that housed some of the world's largest financial institutions. I made rounds, sat with the principal players and listened to possible collaborations. 'You should think about starting your own fund,' they said, 'We'll set you up here and help with the process and paperwork.'
It wasn't something I had seriously considered but I needed a home and they were friendly faces with a solid structure.
And they believed in me, which was not something I overlooked. Minyanville was costing more than $50,000 per month and I had other obligations. Further, the effort required and costs to start a not-for-profit foundation after Sept. 11 were substantial.
I needed a revenue generator, something that could utilize my skills and underwrite a symbiotic ecosystem. I had honed my skills at Morgan, sharpened them at Galleon and demonstrated them at Cramer Berkowitz, building one of the finest desks on Wall Street. As I listened to the potential hedge fund structures, my mind began to calculate the windfall.
A typical structure charges 1% of total assets as a management fee and 20% profits as a performance fee. But they floated something different, a structure with no management fee and 50% of the profits. It was a deal reserved for the best traders on the street, a back-end loaded payday based purely on performance.
They offered to seed me and as I had full faith in my abilities, I plowed most of my money into the fund as well. Others followed and before I knew it, I moved my personal items and sports memorabilia to my new Park Avenue home.

七十四、I felt...free.  我觉得……自由自在。
   
The stress of a large hedge fund manager was one I wasn't going to miss. The outsized risk, the sleepless nights, the battling over positions, the gains and losses, and my self-worth defined by green or red bottom lines each night.
一个大型对冲基金的基金经理所承受的压力我不会去怀念。风险巨大，彻夜难眠，围绕头寸进行搏杀，赚钱亏钱，每晚依据利润的完成与否来决定自我价值，这种生活我再也不想过了。
    There is a reason trading is considered a young man's game. While I was only 34 years old, my spirit and soul aged well beyond my years. I remember thinking I made a 'lifestyle decision,' that my new routine would facilitate an easier and more relaxing existence. 交易员是年轻人的游戏，这话很有道理。虽然我只有34岁，但心理年龄已经大大超出实际年龄。我记得当时自己在想，这是一个“转变生活方式的决定”，新的人生道路应该让我活得更简单，更轻松。
    As the capital management paperwork went through the proper channels, I traded my personal account to keep my skills sharp. With a singular assistant, I squirreled away snazzy gains at my new digs. It was unfamiliar operating without a team, but it didn't impede my success, as evidenced by my initial results.
在资金管理相关手续办理过程中，我通过交易自己的私人账户来保持市场状态。在只有一个助手帮忙的情况下，我慢慢积累起可观的收益。脱离一个团队来进行交易的感觉很陌生, 但最初的业绩表明, 这并未影响我的成功发挥。
    It was a small base but I took calculated bets. My confidence grew; maybe I was that good and the terms of my fund were warranted after all.
私人账户的资金量不大，但我每次下注都很谨慎，我的信心慢慢开始增长，也许我确实很厉害，我基金的条款都得到了保证。
    Minyanville transitioned to a pay site -- $10 per month to help offset the operational costs -- but it remained a loss leader. I received piles of checks each week and signed my name too quickly. I needed an income generator to feed the beast, the final piece of the puzzle that would tie it all together.
Minyanville转型为一个付费网站─每个月收10美元，以抵消部分运营成本─但网站仍处于亏损状态。我每周都会收到一大堆账单，在支票上签字的速度太快了，我得找个赚钱的活儿来养活这只嗷嗷待哺的小野兽，除此之外别无他途。
    My hedge fund launched in March 2003. It was a tense time in the world as the U.S. and U.N. danced around the prospects of war. I was certain the worst was to come, that the invasion of Iraq planted seeds of global unrest; that the poltergeist had only just begun to stir.
2003年3月，我成立了自己的对冲基金。当时正值全世界气氛紧张之际，美国和联合国在围绕着战争边缘起舞。我确信，美国入侵伊拉克将埋下全球不安定的种子，厄运不可避免，一场混乱的闹剧才刚刚开始上演。
    As I watched 'shock and awe' brought to the world on CNN, I thought to myself: 'This is the end of the Roman Empire, a tipping point through a historical lens.'      我通过CNN电视台观看美国战斗机在伊拉克的大规模轰炸，心里想：“这就是罗马帝国的结束，美国将重蹈历史的覆辙。”
 

七十五、对赌市场

   基金开张差不多和美军入侵伊拉克是同一天。股市大涨，我却趁机建立空头头寸。这是一个让基金一炮打响的好机会，我为自己开始新的人生篇章而感到兴奋不已。
   我的投资理念包含四个主要维度─基本面、技术分析、市场结构和市场心理─这些是我分析股票的基础所在。虽然这四个维度的权重在不同时期有所不同，但以此进行整体考量是衡量风险/收益情况的最有效方式。
   市场以惊人的速度攀升，人们很快就把对战争的担 甩在脑后，强大的市场动能正在积聚起来。政策制定者推出的财政和货币刺激计划就像给市场点了一把火，结构性的变化推动资产价格不断上升。
   艾伦?格林斯潘(Alan Greenspan)帮忙把网络泡沫吹大，以此应对当时正在蔓延的亚洲金融危机；现在，他还想故计重施。房地产泡沫开始显现，信贷泡沫也进入酝酿阶段。
   政策制定者在争取时间，让经济获得真正意义上的复苏，而对刺激政策可能带来的不良后果并不关心。美国股市是全世界最大的温度计，而华盛顿也明白这个事实。他们需要股市走高，不管采取什么必要手段。
   回过头来看，一切都很清楚；但在当时，我的眼光没那么锐利。
   现在我能明白财政和货币刺激政策一起上的威力，以及一个下定决心的美联储影响力到底有多大；但当时的我失去了自律能力，陷入情绪的漩涡不可自拔，犯下交易员最不该犯的错误，觉得自己不会失败，过于自我，最终饱尝了徒劳和失败的苦果。
   我在Minyanville网站上发表文章，阐述刺激政策的风险，也按此观点投资自己的对冲基金。按照时间和股价调整我的空头头寸。我认为人为的信贷扩张不可持久，很快就会偃旗息鼓，结果让基金的买卖时点和风险头寸都在和市场唱对台戏。
   过早行动和错误行动的唯一区别就在于，你能否收回自己的赌注。我不想为自己的错误辩解，这些错误让我饱尝痛苦，名誉扫地，备受煎熬。成立对冲基金的本意是弥补一下自己做其他事情所投入的成本，结果我却疯狂地往相反的方向奔跑。
   我一个人干四份工作─管理基金、运营Minyanville、写文章和建立鲁比派克基金会。虽然我有些积蓄，但绝大部分都和其它筹码一起投入到基金当中，蒸发的速度很快。
   基金的风险空前巨大，我四处寻找这一切的始作俑者，却不得不怀疑，罪魁祸首其实就是我。

Betting against the market  对赌市场
   
The fund opened for business almost to the day of the invasion and I used the rally to establish bets against the market. It was an opportunity to start my venture with a bang and I was excited for the next leg of my journey.
My stylistic approach incorporated four primary metrics -- fundamentals, technical, structural and psychology -- that served as the foundation of my analysis. While they assumed different weightings at different times, a collective assimilation was the most effective measurement of risk/reward.
Markets climbed the wall of worry at an astonishing pace; something powerful was afoot. Structural agendas pushed asset prices higher as policymakers lit fiscal and monetary matches under the market.
Alan Greenspan fueled the tech bubble to combat the Asian contagion and was intent on a repeat performance. The real estate bubble began, as did the early stages of the debt bubble.
Policymakers bought time for a legitimate economic recovery to take root and were unconcerned with the eventual ramifications. The stock market is the world's largest thermometer; a fact not lost on the boys from the Beltway. They needed the market higher, by all means necessary.
It's clear with the benefit of hindsight but I didn't see it coming at the time.
I now appreciate the power of the collective agenda and the influence of a motivated Federal Reserve. At the time, it was a lesson in futility and failure, a stretch when I lost my discipline and got sucked into an emotional vortex, the cardinal sin of any trader. I wasn't used to losing and took it very personally.
I wrote about the percolating risks on Minyanville and put my money where my mouth was, scaling into short positions as a function of time and price. I expected the ramifications of artificial credit creation to come home to roost, and failed to sync my time horizon and risk profile.
The only difference between being early and being wrong is whether you're there to collect on your bet. I won't rationalize my missteps. They were painful, public and all-consuming. The fund was supposed to underwrite the collective costs of my various endeavors but I was furiously running in the other direction.
I worked four jobs -- managing the fund, running Minyanville, creating content and building the Ruby Peck Foundation. While I had some money stashed away, most of it was on the table with the rest of my chips. They were fading fast.
The stakes were never higher and I looked around the table for the sucker; I couldn't help wonder if that sucker was me. 

七十六、真正的财富

  我深陷亏损泥潭，相关业绩让我发狂，日常开支应接不暇，白天痛苦不堪，晚上彻夜难眠。   

   我顶风前行。工作时间更长，交易频率更快，写的东西更多─这些是我唯一觉得可以做的事情。
   我为能够多往前爬一米而奋斗，哪怕最后只能爬上一寸，也算有所收获。
   这一年，我把所有跟投资没有直接关系的事情都往后推，每天日以继夜地工作，社交生活一片空白，但还是因为少有建树而紧张急躁、怒气冲冲。
   以往让我感觉生活快乐的那些奢侈享受，现在都成为自己玩物丧志的证明。我一直感觉自己为人谦逊，即使身处视谦逊为软弱的投资行业依然不改本色，但在那个时候，我觉得自己根本就是一无是处。我内心的火焰─那点燃我所有希望和梦想的火焰─已经被现实打湿熄灭，让我陷入更深的抑郁当中。
   在电影《华尔街》(Wall Street) 中饰演洛乌.曼海姆(Lou Mannheim)这个虚构人物的哈尔.霍尔布鲁克(Hal Holbrook)说过：“人看向深渊，而那里却无人回望。就在那一刻，人发现了自己的本性。正是这让他远离深渊。”
   我的职业生涯经历过很多浮沉，有时单单一个交易日就有两三千万美元的盈亏，但到2003年，当自己的积蓄和信心都烟消云散之时，我才真正 会到了浮沉的含义。
   我不想说金钱不重要，因为这话不对；但我能用自己的亲身经历告诉你，如果想从银行帐户中寻找快乐，那你就会错失更好的机会。
   当我似乎拥有一切时，其实并未找到自己在寻找的东西；而当我似乎失去一切时，才明白真正的财富是什么。
   不再有私人飞机接送和演出的前排票，那些在我帮助下获得成功的人，没一个给我回电话。早年的同事戴维.斯莱恩(David Slaine)曾对我说过，别对这些人抱有希望，但我根本没料到，这种态度的转变会如此集中、如此突然。我在华尔街的朋友，那些从我毫不藏私的投资观点中赚钱的人，在我最需要他们的时候却消失得无影无踪。
   我不会天真地认为，别人对我的态度应该跟以前一样，但自己确实把一颗真诚的心放错了地方。我能够信任的朋友圈子越来越小，起初还是慢慢变小，后来却放量萎缩；不过，我还是在心里原谅了那些中山狼。
   在社交生活上，类似的情况也在开始发生。以前经常有人给我打电话，寻找免费喝酒和乘豪华车的机会，现在却一下子清静下来。这是一个让我十分痛苦的觉醒时期。
   就象他们说的，我的世界中更重要更好的东西是，我意识到当自己无法达到更高更好的目标时，就会被它无情地抛弃。在经历整整一个轮回后，我才最终明白这个道理；但我确信，自己已经变得更好了。

The other side of the trade

I was mired in losses, consumed with relative performance, overwhelmed with overhead costs, completely miserable during the day and helplessly sleepless at night.
I pressed harder, worked longer, traded faster, wrote more -- it was the only solution that made any sense.
Surely, if I fought for the extra yard and clawed another inch, I would be rewarded for my efforts.
As the year progressed, I put everything that wasn't directly related to my professional efforts on hold. I worked around the clock, my social life was a ghost town and I was edgy and angry at my lack of success.
The toys that were once a validation of my happiness served as sad reminders of a misplaced soul. I always believed I was humble, particularly in a business where humility is viewed as a weakness, but then I was bare. My fire -- the energy that ignited all of my hopes and dreams -- was damp and dark as I delved deeper into depression.
Hal Holbrook, playing the fictional Lou Mannheim in the film 'Wall Street,' said: 'Man looks into the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.'
I've had many swings during my career -- $20 million-$30 million swings in a single session -- but it wasn't until 2003, as my savings and resolve dissipated, that I truly got it.
I won't say money is insignificant as that's untrue. But I can tell you from experience that if you look for happiness in a bank account, you're missing the bigger trade.
I didn't find what I was looking for when I seemingly had it all. In fact, it took losing almost everything to understand what true wealth really is.
The private jets and front-row shows morphed into calls not being returned by those I helped succeed. David Slaine, my colleague from the early days, told me to expect it but I didn't foresee the magnitude or suddenness. Friends on the street, those who benefited from my free-flowing, revenue-generating ideas, disappeared when I needed them most.
I wasn't naïve enough to think that I would be treated with the same standing but I projected my loyalty to people and places it didn't belong. My circle of trust tightened, slowly at first but then dramatically, as I mentally released those who bit the hand that once fed them.
Socially, a similar dynamic began to take shape. My phone stopped ringing as often as it did when there were free bottles and fancy rides. It was a painful realization to absorb.
As they say in my part of the world, 'the bigger, better thing' was that I realized if I couldn't deliver it, I was no longer part of it. It took a round trip for me to finally see it, but I am certain I'm a better man for it.

七十七、人生的圆圈

   2003年5月，我安排父亲回已经阔别20年的美国东海岸生活。虽然我正疲于奔命地忙着拯救自己身兼数职的生活，但两年前，我在父亲服刑期间答应过他。祖父鲁比教导过我，一个男人拥有的全部就是他的名字和承诺。我现在钱少了，但这两样东西却不能丢。
   我和哥哥亚当曾去夏威夷希望能救我们父亲；一年后，父亲服刑结束，我也如约回到夏威夷。在经历长期孤单无助的流浪生活后，他终于得到了对症治疗，并在一个动物收容所做志愿者。就在那时候，我们商量好让他来东海岸生活。现在，他已经来到了纽约。
   我去机场接他，两人久久拥抱在一起，这个拥抱融化了多年来的失望、愤怒和成见。父亲表现得非常谦卑，那是失去一切后再次面对另一种人生时的战战兢兢。
   父亲说他有很多次都想自杀，但对孩子的牵挂让他忍受住了痛苦的煎熬。我们谈了一个又一个小时，他经常说得泣不成声。
   几天后，我们去巴尔的摩(Baltimore)旅行，他有生以来第一次见到自己的孙子孙女。到那儿的第一天晚上，我们在餐桌旁坐下，我发现自己在用自豪的目光看着他，这是我第一次体验到这种感觉。真是世事难料，小时候我总让他为我感到骄傲，现在我们俩的角色却倒了个个儿。
  我等待这个家庭大团圆的时刻等待了许久，此时我才意识到，晚餐等的时间越长，吃的时候就会感觉越好吃。

Full circle  人生的圆圈
   
In May 2003, I arranged for my father to return to the East Coast for the first time in 20 years. While I was absorbed with trying to save my symbiotic ecosystem, I made a promise to my father when he was in jail two years prior. My grandfather Ruby taught me that all a man has is his name and his word. I was losing money, but I wasn't about to lose those, too.
One year after my brother Adam and I ventured to Hawaii with hopes of saving our father, I returned as I said I would to enjoy his freedom. After his long stretch of homelessness and hopelessness, he was properly medicated and volunteering at an animal orphanage. It was then that we discussed his trip to the East Coast. Before I knew it, he touched down in New York City.
As I greeted him, we embraced in a long hug that melted away years of disappointment, anger and judgment. He was a humbled man, the type of humility that comes after you've lost everything and stared into an different type of abyss, that of life.
He told me he contemplated suicide many times but the glimmer of his children saw him through his pain; he cried as we talked for hours upon hours.
A few days later, we traveled to Baltimore and he met his grandchildren for the first time. As we sat around the dinner table the first night, I found myself watching him with pride. It was the first time I ever experienced that particular emotion; after a childhood of seeking his approval, I found it ironic that our roles somehow reversed.
The reunion was a long time in the making. It was then I realized that the longer you wait for dinner, the better it tastes. 

七十八、漂流木和完美风暴

   2001年很痛苦，但与2003年相比，它简直就像在公园散步一样。我处境艰难，想同时控制四个在空中飞舞的球，极力寻找一条救赎之路，无论是有形的还是无形的。
   我越想努力站稳脚跟，就在绝望的深渊里陷得越深。
   随着股市继续冲高，我的亏损进入两位数区域，这简直就是2000年的历史重演，而我对当时的情景依然记忆犹新。这是人生的一个圆圈，我心里想─我来到了收款台的另一边。
   我自己的钱也放在基金里，和其他投资者托付给我的资金一起缩水。这些亏损，再加上Minyanvill和鲁比派克基金会的大量投资，在侵蚀着我多年的积蓄。
   我和财务顾问一起坐下来，看自己手头还有多少钱可用。年初的时候，银行里还有几百万美元的现金。我看着那个存款数字人间蒸发，想着势态就要发生变化了。
   我就像完美风暴中的一段漂流木，很明显，现在是该做出决定的时候了。如果我还想极力支撑自己的所有尝试，那很快一切都会被洪水冲走。
   我心如刀绞，不仅在心理上，也在身体上。我经常去看一个心脏病医生，因为我知道，胸口疼痛不是个好兆头。
   “你要当心，”他对我说，“锻炼一下身体，别给自己那么大的压力。”
   我试着把“呼呼”和“嘘嘘”这两个即将给人们了解金融世界带来正面影响的卡通人物介绍给他，但他似乎并不在意。他更关心我的身体能否撑下去；而在我看来，唯一能让我停下来的可能只有死亡。
   Minyanville拥有数量不多的一批忠实用户。我们不愿向素未谋面的读者提供直截了当的投资建议，而是想通过与读者的互动，激发他们的投资思路，提供一种与众不同的教育。这与传统媒体的做法背道而驰，与一个追求快节奏满足感的世界格格不入。
   每过一天，漂流木就沉入水中一些；每一波亏损的浪头打来，我的呼吸就变得愈加沉重。我太注重能否获得传统意义上的成功，而忽视了自己创建Minyanville的初衷，忘记了自己到底是谁。
   我一边做着艰难的抉择，一边走向2003年的年末。这些决定不是我想选择的，而是不得已为之。本意是用来证明我投资能力的东西无法与支撑我灵魂的东西共存下去，如果我还想再坚持一年的话。
   如果你做自己爱做的事，金钱会随之而来。在对一个4亿美元对冲基金的总裁位置挥手告别时，我是这么想的。
   一个悲哀的事实是，剩下的钱没多少了。

The driftwood and the perfect storm  漂流木和完美风暴
   
The year 2001 was painful but 2003 made it look like a walk in the park. I was spread thin, trying to keep four balls in the air and scrambling for redemption, tangible or otherwise.
The harder I tried to find my footing, the deeper I fell into the crevasse of despair.
As the markets ripped higher, my losses delved into double-digit territory. It was the mirror image of the 2000 scrimmage and that fact wasn't lost on me. It was the cycle of life, I thought to myself -- the other side of the cash register.
My money was in the fund, losing value alongside the capital that investors entrusted to me. That, coupled with substantial investments in Minyanville and Ruby Peck Foundation, chewed through my life's savings.
I huddled with my advisors and looked at what was left in the till. When I started the year, I had millions of dollars in the bank. I watched that number evaporate, expecting the tide to turn.
I was a piece of driftwood in a perfect storm, and it was clear that decisions needed to be made. If I tried to keep all of my efforts afloat, everything would drown at once.
There was heartache, not just figuratively but literally as well. I visited a cardiologist frequently, certain that the pain my chest was a foreboding sign.
'Take care of yourself,' he told me, 'get some exercise and stop putting so much pressure on yourself.'
I tried to tell him about the metaphorical critters named Hoofy and Boo that were going to affect positive change through financial understanding, but he didn't seem to care. He was more concerned about my ability to continue physically. In my mind, death was the only thing that could possibly stop me.
Minyanville, while loyal, was still a small community. Our mission of provoking thought and providing vicarious education through a shared process -- as opposed to offering outright advice to a faceless audience -- was a departure from traditional media and unconventional in an immediate gratification world.
With each passing day, the piece of driftwood took on a more water. With each wave of losses, my breathing became more labored. I was so focused on conventional measures of success that I lost sight of why I started Minyanville in the first place. I lost sight of who I was.
I had to make difficult decisions as I edged towards the end of 2003. They weren't decisions of choice; they were decisions of need. The business that was supposed to underwrite my existence couldn't co-exist with the one that sustained my soul if I hoped to survive another year.
If you do what you love, the money would come. That's what I told myself that when I stepped down as president of a $400 million hedge fund.
The sad truth was there wasn't much left. 

七十九、十字路口

   我想和财务顾问商量出一个办法来。他们说，Minyanville烧钱的速度太快，过几个月我就会破产。自从我决定身兼数职以来，已经差不多过去一年，而现在井水快要干涸了。
   我花费无数个小时想方设法，希望能让自己的梦想继续下去。我的团队信任我，但他们头脑清晰，讲求实效，看到我脆弱的一面。这个曾在股市呼风唤雨大赚特赚的对冲基金投资大师，现在已经今不如昔。我已经精疲力尽，大家都知道这一点。
   “你想怎么办？”他们问，而我正盯着银行的存款数字，希望它们能变得好看一点。
   “我不会放弃Minyanville，”我告诉他们，心里非常清楚，放弃根本不在考虑范围之内，“我别的地方还有钱，可以拿过来用，直到我们获得成功。”
   他们静静地坐在那里，盯着我看。
   “建好网站，钱会来的。”我用“凯文?科斯特纳”(Kevin Costner)式的自信声音说道，同时也在说服我自己，好像还有什么秘密武器没用似的。但他们没那么乐观，我身上的每个伤口都在流血，一个白天接着一个白天，一个无眠的夜晚接着一个无眠的夜晚。他们是对的，但我别无选择。
   “即使我掉下万丈深渊，也要带着最心爱的两样东西下去，它们就是Minyanville和鲁比派克基金会。”
   整个2003年，我一直都在跟自己的投资者交流，因此最终的决定并不令人感到意外。他们在投钱进来时就知道有风险，但这并不能减少我的负疚、惭愧和痛苦。我让他们失望了，让他们赔了钱，这是个不可回避的事实，至今仍让我无法释怀。说来也怪，把自己大部分的钱放进基金让我感觉好一点，而不是更糟糕。
   我关闭基金，把剩下的钱返还给投资者，在我职业生涯中记录下最大的一笔投资损失。至今，它仍是托德?哈里森这个名字上的最大污点，我人生中最痛苦最尴尬的一个篇章。通往复苏的道路很漫长，而我只剩下一小罐汽油来推动引擎。
   我知道，如果在路上没了油，不会有人来把我和车子拖回家。

The fork in the road

I huddled with my advisors and tried to identify a solution. Given the cash burn in Minyanville, they told me I would be insolvent in a matter of months. It had been almost a full year since I decided to create a symbiotic ecosystem, and the well was almost dry.
I spent countless hours trying to map strategies that would allow my dream to survive. My team believed in me but they were lucid and pragmatic; they saw the how fragile I was, a shadow of the once-powerful hedge fund master who moved markets and made millions. I was running on fumes and everyone knew it.
'What are you going to do?' they asked as I studied my bank statements, hoping they would change.
'I'm not going to abandon Minyanville,' I told them, knowing full well it wasn't an option, 'I've still got money hidden away and I'll use that until we succeed.'
They sat in silence, staring at me.
'Build it and they will come,' I said in my best Kevin Costner voice, trying to convince myself that I knew something they didn't. But they weren't as optimistic. I was bleeding from every orifice, day after day and night after sleepless night. They were right, but I didn't see another option.
'If I'm going down, I'm going down with my best one-two punch and those are Minyanville and The Ruby Peck Foundation.'
I spoke with my investors throughout 2003 and the final call didn't come as a surprise. They knew the risks before they invested, but that did little to quell my guilt, shame and pain. I let them down and lost them money, an unavoidable reality that haunts me to this day. For some strange reason, having most of my money in the fund made me feel better, not worse.
I closed the doors, returned the remaining money and booked the largest loss of my professional career. It remains the single biggest black mark on the name and word of Todd Harrison, a painful and embarrassing chapter in my life. The road to recovery would be long and I had to power the engine with a small reserve fuel tank.
If I ran out of gas, I knew there would be nobody left to tow me home.

八十、凤凰涅磐

   2004年的开端与我职业生涯中的每一年相同，我尝试从过去学到东西，化错误为经验。我暗下决心，要在一年内把Minyanville网站变成真正的营生，否则就由它自生自灭，成为一个吞噬我数百万美元的昂贵嗜好。
   我们建立起稳定的写作队伍， 罗到的人才很擅长写东西，而他们的身份更有份量，包括托尼?杜尔(Tony Dwyer)、斯考特?里默(Scott Reamer)、凯文?戴皮(Kevin Depew)和约翰?苏科(John Succo)等举足轻重的专业人士。他们每个人都把自己对世界的解析和领悟与Minyanville的读者分享。这些人写东西不是为了钱，而是因为认同Minyanville的使命，即让投资者对金融有更深的理解，从而做出积极的转变。
   2004年夏，我们在科罗拉多州Crested Butte的山区举办了Minyanville第一届会员交流会，目的是把我们的网上社区带入网下，让大家彼此对上号，从而建设一个活跃的金融信息论坛。Minyanville的会员纷纷前来参加，其中包括我最好的朋友和大学室友凯文?沃森(Kevin Wassong)。
   刚开始的时候，凯文只是作为网站的一个旁观者，后来逐渐萌生了希望亲身体验Minyanville的想法。在我披荆斩棘进入一个全新行业的过程中，他一直坚定地支持着我，作为良师益友，向我提出如何在下一代数字媒体平台上布局的建议。
   没有人比绰号“小鱼儿”的凯文更理解这个行业了。毕业后，他曾去好莱坞追寻其媒体创意的梦想，后来回到纽约，1998年在智威汤逊公司(J. Walter Thompson)组建了数字媒体子公司，担任首席执行官，并将其打造成美国十大互动媒体服务公司之一。凯文开创了许多先河，比如安排苏富比拍卖公司(Sotheby)的第一次网上拍卖，促成美林公司(Merrill Lynch)进入数字广告领域等。
   对他来说，Minyanville是一个“伟大的想法”，能够把几代联系到一起，超越多种媒体平台。他早早就来到会场，帮忙处理最后的一些细节问题，还为来宾准备礼品袋。这就是凯文，他从不关心我有多少钱，对夏季度假屋的狂欢也不感兴趣，他从来就不是个追求“多多益善”的人。在周六的篝火晚会上，我们在一起烧烤棉花糖三明治(Smore)，我让自己享受了一份难得的满足时光。经过三年的奋战，虽然要做的事情还有很多，可用资金也日渐萎缩，但Minyanville终于得到了公众的认同，网上社区的从无到有就是一个很好的例证，说明我们的愿景确实能产生共鸣。我们眺望远山的日落，周围一片欢声笑语，我和凯文对视而笑。在那一刻，我知道凯文也看到了美好的未来。

The Phoenix

I began 2004 the way I started every year of my career, trying to learn from the past and morph mistakes into lessons. I told myself I would give Minyanville 12 months to turn it into a business, or it would leave a legacy as an expensive hobby that chewed through millions of dollars.
We built a stable of writers, human capital that was very good at what they did but better at who they were. They included such respected professionals as Tony Dwyer, Scott Reamer, Kevin Depew and John Succo. Each shared their insights and acumen with 'Minyans' around the world and didn't do it for the money; they wrote because they believed in our mission of affecting positive change through financial understanding.
In the summer of 2004, we hosted Minyans in the Mountains in Crested Butte, Colo., the first of many gatherings. The intention was to bring our online community to life, put faces to names and create an engaging forum for financial intelligence. Minyans flocked to the mountains, including my best friend and college roommate, Kevin Wassong.
After standing on the periphery since the inception, Kevin wanted to experience Minyanville first hand. He was a steady sounding board as I forged a path into an entirely new industry, serving both as a friend and offering advice on how to position a next generation digital media platform.
If anyone knew that space, it was 'Fish.' After college, Kevin headed to Hollywood to pursue his creative ambitions before returning to New York. He launched the digital group at J. Walter Thompson in 1998, became CEO and built it into a top-10 interactive services company. Kevin was responsible for a lot of firsts. He brought Sotheby's first auction online and Merrill Lynch into the digital advertising space.
To him, Minyanville was the 'big idea' that could connect generations and transcend media platforms. He arrived early to help tend to the last-minute details and prepare gift bags for the guests.
That was Kevin. He never cared about my money or the summer homes; he was never the 'bigger, better thing' guy.
As we roasted Smores at the Saturday night bonfire, I allowed myself a rare moment of satisfaction. After three years of heavy lifting, Minyanville arrived at a place of collective consciousness despite a motivated agenda and dwindling funds; the fledgling community was proof positive that our vision was indeed vibrant.
As we watched the sunset over the mountains and laughter filled the air, I turned to Kevin and shared a smile. That's when I knew he saw it too.

八十一、人鼠之间

   有人说，如果你告诉一个创业者让梦想成真需要付出多少努力，那他根本就不会去选择创业。虽然我从未后悔过创建Minyanville，但干自己感兴趣的事毕竟也要付出努力，而且这种工作的挑战性，完全出乎我的想象。
   2004年夏天过后，我们在拉奇蒙特镇(Larchmont)凯文家附近的Applebee餐厅见面。几杯啤酒和几个汉堡下肚后，我们在帐单背面画起一个“车轮式”的商业模型，轮轴是Minyanville网站，轮辐是各类附属业务，包括广告、订阅、特许、活动、视频游戏、娱乐以及商品化营销等。
   我在加州得到了一次与罗伊·迪斯尼(Roy Disney，迪斯尼公司的创始人之一)的商业合作伙伴斯坦·高尔德(Stan Gold)的会谈机会，看能否拉他进来参与投资。我请凯文帮忙准备一份推介材料，原先定好与斯坦的会面时间是30分钟，但演示进行到三个半小时的时候，我们依然还在激情澎湃地推销着这个网站。
   “你要知道，斯坦，”我用急促的声音说道，希望能让他明白我们的所思所想，“既然沃特·迪斯尼能把两只小老鼠变成一种文化的象征，那我们也能利用华尔街的牛和熊，用它们来传递金融观点，让人们的观念产生积极的改变 。”
   斯坦坐在会议桌的另一端，大口抽着他的雪茄烟。“你们很有想法，”他一边斟酌我们的话，一边说道，“你们不妨等公司发展更成熟一些后再来找我。”
   虽然我们没能“一举拿下”，但凯文在此过程中发生了一些转变。回到纽约后，我们俩决定筹集资金，给Minyanville一个一展身手的机会。我们都对未来充满无限信心，但我知道，这是一场与我即将见底的银行存款之间赛跑。
   2004年的最后几个月，我们全力以赴忙着准备一份私人配售募股说明书，与律师商量，和会计师开会，向潜在投资者做推介。我一古脑儿地支付帐单，对成本视而不见，而是选择把每一盎司的精力都投入到募集资金当中去。
   随着圣诞、元旦一天天临近，又快到重设时钟的年底，我们的时间不多了。

Of mice and men

They say if you told an entrepreneur how much work it would take for his or her dream to succeed, they would never start the business in the first place. While I've never regretted Minyanville, the labor of love was a labor indeed and entirely more challenging than I would have ever imagined.
Kevin and I met at Applebee's near his home in Larchmont following the summer of 2004. There, over beers and burgers, we scribbled the 'wagon wheel' business model on the back of the check. The central hub was Minyanville and the 'spokes' were ancillary business lines, including advertising, subscriptions, licensing, events, video games, entertainment and merchandising.
When I landed a meeting with Stan Gold -- Roy Disney's business partner -- in California to see if we could get him to invest, I asked Kevin to help put together a presentation. We were told we had 30 minutes of Stan's time. But 31/2 hours into the presentation, we continued to pound the table with passion and purpose.
'You don't see it Stan,' I said in a hurried voice, pleading with him to see what we saw, 'If Walt Disney can take two rodents and create cultural icons, we can take the Wall Street bull and bear and affect positive change through financial understanding!' See link.
Stan sat back in his seat at the far end of the conference room table and chomped on his cigar. 'You sure have chutzpah,' he said as he weighed our words. 'Why don't you circle back when the company is more mature?'
While we didn't 'get the order,' something shifted within Kevin during that presentation. By the time we got back to New York, we decided to raise money to give Minyanville an honest shot. There was an incredible energy between us but I knew we were racing against the bottom of my bank account.
The final months of 2004 were a furious push to pull together a private placement memorandum. We huddled with lawyers, met with accountants and presented to potential investors. I swallowed the bills and looked through the costs, choosing instead to channel every ounce of effort into fulfilling our mission.
With the holidays bearing down, it was almost time to reset the clocks. Time was running out.

八十二、强颜欢笑

    2004年的最后冲刺让人心力交瘁，激情、毅力和信念推动着我前行。当我们在纽约的Rosa Mexicana餐厅举办Minyanville年底派对时，心情可谓喜 参半，喜的是商业计划即将成型， 的是现实面临的各种窘境。
   从很多方面来看，我的举止都很像一个信心十足的领导者，似乎身体健康，头脑敏锐；但事实上，我已经严重透支。即使以我自己的标准来说，工作量都太大了。我经常心悸，肌肉酸疼，脑袋阵阵作痛。我记得当时自己在卫生间里用冷水泼脸，并轻声对自己说：“这样会出问题的”，但转脸又挂上笑容，去履行派对主人的角色了。
    我打算在派对结束后，第二天早上就去亚利桑那州土桑市(Tucson)的一个温泉度假。我觉得急需从这场令人难以忍受的人生马拉松中暂时解脱出来，仿佛自己长久以来一直在疯狂逃避着什么，除此之外，别无选择。
   当时，我还不知道自己在911恐怖袭击后患上了抑郁症，但事后看来，那时的症状很明显。14年来，我努力把自己打造成为一名金融专业人士，现在却不想再以传统标准来衡量成功与否。而且，想到自己将要单独度过一个礼拜，内心深处就怕得要命。
   交易员总是渴望成功，痛恨失败。当我着手创建Minyanville时，这一本性在我的潜意识里头根深蒂固。我鼓吹劳逸结合、平衡生活的重要性，以及着眼大局、不钻牛角尖的必要性，但话里话外都充斥着虚伪。我心里很清楚，我快要被掏空了。
   祖父曾对我说过，永远不要因为害怕而跑掉。当我忍受着宿醉痛苦、出发去机场时，对自己重复着这句话。虽然我的梦想还有机会，但未来完全不可捉摸。

Mexicali blues

The final push of 2004 took a considerable toll and I operated on adrenalin, tenacity and faith. The excitement of mapping a tangible plan commingled with the fear of an unspoken reality as we hosted our Minyanville holiday party at Rosa Mexicana in New York.
I was in many ways going through the motions of a confident leader. My body was there and my instincts acute, but I was operating on fumes. The work was excessive, even by my standards. My heart hurt, my muscles ached and my head throbbed. I remember splashing water on my face in the bathroom and whispering, 'This can't be healthy' before feigning a smile and returning as the host.
I was scheduled to go to a spa near Tucson the morning after our party, as I desperately needed to unplug from the unbearable marathon that was my life. It felt as if I was running from something for so long and at such a furious pace, I didn't know another way to operate.
I still wasn't aware I suffered from depression following the events of Sept. 11, but the signs were clear with the benefit of hindsight. After 14 years of forging a professional identity, my success was no longer measured by conventional metrics. Deep down, the thought of spending a week alone scared the hell out of me.
Traders are conditioned to expect success and loathe losses and that process was ingrained in my psyche when I began Minyanville. I preached the importance of balance and the necessity of perspective, yet my words dripped with hypocrisy. My tank was empty and I knew it.
My grandfather taught me to never run scared, and I repeated that to myself as I nursed a wicked hangover on the way to the airport. My dream had a shot at survival, but the future was anything but certain.

八十三、人在旅途

   在追寻成功的道路上，我忽略了重要的一点，旅途的意义在于旅途本身，当你最终到达目的地时，路上的经历和体验已经一去不复返。
   我忘了一句跌仆不破的真理，更多的时候是我们定义了现实而不是现实定义了我们。
   我陷入一种思维定式，把各种目标强加到自己身上，而且总是不断调高预期，让自己永远都够不着，这是典型的完美主义者的臭毛病。以前，我不愿让情绪波动影响自己，觉得这是一种懦弱的表现；但在前往土桑那片荒野的路上，不知道为什么，我觉得自己的情绪异常脆弱。
   到那儿以后，我马上开始各种活动。那里有成群结队的游客，但我选择自己一个人度假。山地自行车、举重、骑马─我什么都去尝试， 想让这些把脑子占得满满的，延缓那必将来临的反省时间。
   从早上一睁眼到晚上入睡前的最后一刻，我心里都在反复琢磨，自己到底是谁，过得怎么样，人生目标是什么。我的脑子飞速运转，刚开始剖析一个想法，另一个想法就随之而来。这些纷繁的思绪每天都萦绕在我脑海里，彼此碰撞不休，争相夺取我的关注。
   我在房间里踱来踱去，想理清这团乱麻，最后走到阳台上，眺望远方的山麓丘陵。
   不知不觉，我走出房间，在野外漫步开来。

Journeys and purposes
  In my search for success, I ignored that the purpose of the journey is the journey itself. I forgot that by the time you arrive at where think you want to be, the experience will have already ended.
I misplaced the truth that we define our reality more than our reality defines us.
I was trapped by self-imposed expectations and continually reset the bar so it was always out of reach, the fatal flaw of any classic over-achiever. I thought that allowing myself to feel was a weakness if it competed for my attention. I wasn't sure why, but I knew I was vulnerable as I made my way to the desert.
Upon arrival, I immediately participated in activities. The grounds were littered with couples and groups, but I kept to myself and did my own thing. Mountain biking, weight lifting, horseback riding -- I did anything and everything to occupy my mind and delay the inevitable introspection.
From the moment I opened my eyes to my last thought each night, I wrestled with who I was, how I lived and what my purpose was. My mind raced a million miles per minute; by the time I started dissecting one thought, a new one arrived. My head spun for days as they viciously collided and competed for attention.
I paced my room trying to make sense of the emotional crosscurrents before walking to the patio that overlooked the foothills in the far distance.
Without realizing it, I hopped the ledge and began to walk.

八十四、暴风骤雨

    每个人生命中都会出现一些灵光乍现、看透一切的瞬间，而我拥有的这种时刻屈指可数。
   一次是我在摩根士丹利获得晋升后，在小岛上慢跑，站到一座悬崖顶上眺望清澈湛蓝的海面。还有一次是911恐怖袭击前一周，我在毛伊岛休息，看着地平线上的落日，与父亲言归于好。
   那个普普通通的周二下午也是如此。我思绪重重，都忘了自己什么时候走出去的，为什么要走出去。过了大约一小时，我发现自己孤零零地站在荒野之中，心里还在努力回答那些我无法回答的问题。
   我望着天空，跟祖父的在天之灵说话，想弄清楚我的人生该往哪里走，泪水

开始在眼眶中涌现。几分钟后，我抑制不住地哭了起来。我不记得自己上一次哭是什么时候，但肯定是以年为单位，而不是月。
   911事件，失去鲁比，离开一个盈利丰厚对冲基金的高管职位，仅仅根据理论原则就与成熟媒体展开竞争，一辈子的积蓄消耗殆尽。
   鲁比…911…不确定性…怀疑…放弃…金钱…靠不住的友谊…鲁比…
   我站在空荡荡的旷野上，脑子里的想法越转越快。我往四周看去，想知道自己在什么地方，但好像并不认识。那一刻，我的内心百味杂陈：困惑、愤怒、悲哀、寂寞、酸楚、空虚。
   毫无预兆地，一道闪电彷佛撕裂天空，隆隆的雷声在我身边咆哮，大雨倾盆而下，打得地面啪啪作响。我万念俱灰，自暴自弃，感到自己就该遭到老天爷这样的惩罚。
   “好极了！”我藐视地对天空大喊，“尽管冲我来吧！”
    我低下头，看见自己的两脚牢牢地站在荒野沙土之中，突然意识到自己安然无恙。这时，那个在多年前迷失的人又回来了，我终于找到了911后失散多年的这个朋友。
   我任凭大雨的浇灌，仰起头，张开双臂伸向天空。我感觉到，有个微笑在脸上悄然而生。
   当我尽情释放内心的痛苦和压力之时，一道阳光穿透乌云，吻在我的脸颊之上。我敢肯定，这道阳光就是我的祖父，他把手放在我肩膀上，告诉我要乐观处世，“这个，也会过去的。”直到今天，还没有其他人让我如此的确信。
   我一直相信灵性，但这次不同，这是一个预兆。
   就在那天，我发生了重大的转变。当我走进土桑的荒野时，一切彷佛都已经划上句号；35岁，我已经认天知命。过去的成就令人满意，但知足也意味着裹足不前。
   等我回到房间时，觉得浑身轻松，彷佛卸掉了整个世界的重担，把它留在荒野，一切都重新开始。我不再执迷于过去，而为能有机会重塑一次而感到无比的福分。
   我没什么钱，未来看不清楚，我的人生规划充满风险。
   但我感觉如何？感恩。一种美妙、完整而又释然的感恩之情。
   此时我才明白，最好的机遇来源于最大的挑战，大苦难方有大智慧。

Desert storm

There are instances in each of our lives defined by a moment of clarity and I can count them on one hand.
I remember jogging in the islands after my Morgan Stanley promotion, standing atop a cliff overlooking the clear, blue water. There also was relaxing in Maui the week before Sept. 11, watching the sunset on the horizon and making peace with my father.
And there was that day in the desert on a random Tuesday afternoon. I was so engrossed in thought that I don't remember when or why I started walking. An hour or so later, there I was in the middle of nowhere and very alone as I tried to find answers to questions I didn't know.
As I looked to the sky and spoke to my grandfather, trying to sort through the disparate aspects of my existence, tears formed in my eyes. Minutes later, I began to sob uncontrollably. I couldn't remember the last time I cried but it was surely measured in years, not months.
Sept. 11. Losing Ruby. Leaving a high-profile perch atop a lucrative hedge fund. Battles with established media based purely on principle. Chewing through most of my life savings.
Ruby. . .Sept. 11. . .Uncertainty. . . Doubt. . . Abandonment. . .Money. . .Faux friendships. . .Ruby. . .
The thoughts sped quicker and quicker as I stood in the empty desert. I turned around to make sure I knew where I was; I wasn't quite sure I did. I was confused, angry, sad, lonely, bitter and empty all at the same time.
Without warning, the skies opened up and cried alongside me; rain pounded down with intense pressure. I felt sorry for myself, heaped misery upon misery and absorbed as much pain as possible, feeling as if I somehow deserved the wrath of nature.
'Perfect,' I said out loud in an act of defiance, 'Bring it!'
I looked down, around and back at my two feet placed firmly in the desert sand and suddenly realized I was in a safe place. It was then that I connected with the person I lost years earlier and found the friend who was missing since Sept. 11.
I let the rain consume me, raising my arms in the air as my head fell back. I felt a smile creep upon my face.
As I let go of pain and strain of my internal burdens, a ray of sunlight peeked through the clouds and kissed me on the cheek. I was certain it was my grandfather, putting his hand on my shoulder, telling me to think positive, that 'this too shall pass.' To this day, nobody will convince me otherwise.
I've always been spiritual but that was different. It was a sign.
Something very powerful shifted within that day. When I walked into the desert, I operated from a position of finality. At 35, I saw who I was, what I made, where I had been and whom I was with. There was comfort in being able to define my experiences but that safety came with the cost of containment.
By the time I arrived back in my room, there was a tangible sense of release, as if I shed the weight of the world, left it in the desert and arrived at a new beginning. Rather than obsessing about what was, I felt extremely blessed to have an opportunity to shape what could be.
I didn't have much money, my future was uncertain and there were real risks in my master plan.
But what did I feel? Gratitude. Immense, complete, absolving gratitude.
It was then I understood that the greatest opportunities are born from the most profound obstacles, and the greatest wisdom is bred as a function of pain.

八十五、

   I've long offered that the definition of professional nirvana is to do what you love with people you respect while serving the greater good.
 我一直认为，工作的最高境界就是与自己尊敬的人在一起，做自己喜欢做的事，并有益于社会大众。
    My best friend and college roommate, Kevin Wassong, and I raised money at the beginning of 2005, setting the stage for the next phase of Minyanville growth. Hoofy and Boo staked their claim as the Wall Street bull and bear, our loyal community manifested in size and scope, Kevin was president and The Ruby Peck Foundation -- named for my grandfather -- was on its way to raising a seven-figure donation for children's education.  2005年初，我和最好的朋友、大学舍友凯文•沃森(Kevin Wasson)一起为Minyanville筹集资金，为其下一步发展打好基础。“呼呼”和“嘘嘘”这两个卡通角色作为华尔街牛熊市的象征深入人心，网上社区的规模和影响力不断扩大，凯文成为Minyanville的总裁，而鲁比派克基金会─以我祖父命名的慈善组织─正在为儿童教育募集七位数的善款。
    Life was good, which isn't to say it was easy. Building a business always takes longer, is much costlier and consumes more energy than originally anticipated, particularly when swimming against the steady stream of the conventional wisdom that financial intelligence must be dry, homogenous and entirely void of humor or humanity.
生活很美好，但并不意味着生活很容易。创业总比原先预想的时间更长，成本更高，占用的精力更多，而且我们还需要与这样一种传统观念做对抗，即财经信息一定是干燥乏味、千篇一律，以及完全缺乏人性化和幽默感的。
    I won't spend too much time discussing the Minyanville lifecycle. During our first two years, we rebuilt the platform, established a credible voice and solidified strategic partnerships. Once we hit those milestones, we again tapped the market and paved the way for the next stage of evolution, including hiring the human capital necessary to build out the entire wagon wheel.
我不想花太多时间讲述Minyanville的发展历程。在最初两年里，我们重建了媒体平台，确立起一个可信的声音，巩固了战略合作关系。完成这些里程碑式的工作后，我们再次接触市场，为下一阶段的发展铺平道路，包括招聘所需的新员工，以构建整个的车轮式商业模型。
    We remained true to our mission of effecting positive change through financial understanding. In the years preceding the financial crisis, we warned of the cumulative imbalances percolating under the seemingly calm surface. That's not as easy as it sounds with the Dow Jones at all-time highs, but our editorial mandate of truth and trust persevered. That philosophy, coupled with a forward-looking lens that marries news and opinion, continues to this day.
我们依然信守自己的使命，即让投资者对金融有更深的理解，从而做出积极转变。2008年全球金融危机爆发前的几年里，我们一直在对看似平静但实际上暗流涌动的很多市场失衡现象提出警告。当时道琼斯指数创下历年来的新高，这种观点很难为大多数人所接受，但我们仍坚持真实与诚信的理念。这一思想与新闻和观点并重的前瞻性视角结合在一起，至今依然发挥著作用。
    There are now Minyans in 122 countries that drive upwards of 10 million page views each month. Minyanland, our massive multi-player online game that teaches children the basic building blocks of earning, spending, saving and giving, has almost 600,000 registered kids and parents. Hoofy and Boo sprang to life through the magic of animation and won the 2008 Emmy Award for New Approaches to Business and Financial Reporting.
现在，Minyanville的会员遍及122个国家，每个月有1000万的页面浏览量。我们的大型多人在线游戏Minyanland向孩子们传授收入、支出、储蓄和给予等金融基础知识，有近60万儿童和父母成为注册用户。“呼呼”和“嘘嘘”通过动画效果的魔力获得了生命，赢得2008年度的“商业及财经信息创新方法”艾美奖(Emmy Award for New Approaches to Business and Financial Reporting)。
   
I don't make the type of money I did on Wall Street, but the psychic income has never been higher. As the ramifications of our societal largesse and the implications of public policy manifest, we continue to help millions of Minyans shape their perceptions, priorities and principles of financial awareness, from the ABC's to the 401(k)'s.  我不再像以前在华尔街时那样赚大钱，但精神上的收获却从未如此丰富过。通过Minyanville日益扩大的社会 角和对公共政策的影响力，我们不断帮助数以百万计的会员构建自己的投资观点、投资重心和投资理念，从最基本的金融知识，到401K的退休帐户投资等。
    While giving a speech last year, someone asked which professional accomplishment I was most proud of. I wasn't prepared for the question but the answer left my lips before I realized it. 2008年，
在我的一次演讲后，有人问我最自豪的工作成就是什么。我没准备过回答这类问题，但答案不由自主地就从嘴里说了出来。
    'My failures, for they tested my resolve and capacity,' I said. 'While I once measured myself by a bank account and business card, I discovered real success is staying true to who you are in the face of adversity.'
 “以往经历过的种种失败就是我最自豪的成就，因为失败能考验决心和能力。”我说，“虽然我以前衡量成功的标准是银行存款和名片头衔，但后来发现，真正的成功是在逆境中坚持自己信奉的东西。”
    I'm a different man than when I chased the cash register, which isn't to say I don't enjoy money. I've simply found that what you do pales in comparison to how you do it regardless of what it is you choose to do.  我不再是那个渴望站到收款台内侧的那个人，这种变化并非意味着我不喜欢钱，我只是发现一个道理：无论从事什么工作，怎么做永远要比做什么更重要。
    The false idolatry of money is a sexy siren indeed; the grass may be greener and the wine might taste sweeter. Be careful what you wish for, though. It took a round trip for me to see it, but I'm a better man for it. 
金钱确实容易让人盲目崇拜，别人家的草坪也许更绿，别人家的红酒可能更香，但追求自己愿望的时候要保持头脑冷静和心态平和。我转了整整一大圈才明白这个道理，而现在，我已经跳出了圈外。

八十六、A list to live by  为何而活
   
If I were to sum up some of the things I've learned through the years, the list might look a bit like this:    如果让我总结一下这么多年来的经验教训，那可能有点类似于下面这个清单：
   
 All you have is your name and your word.
 你唯一拥有的是自己的名字和给出的承诺。
 Honesty, trust and respect are the foundational constructs of any successful  endeavor.  诚实、信任和尊重是任何成功尝试的基石所在。
 Time is the most precious commodity. 时间是最宝贵的商品。
 The purpose of the journey is the journey itself.
 人生旅途的意义在于旅途本身。
 What goes around comes around. 善有善报，恶有恶报。
 The greatest wisdom is bred as a function of pain. 大苦难方有大智慧。
 Bad times define good friends just as bad seasons define good fans.
 困境能检验出真正的好朋友，就像坏天气能检验出真正的好空调。
 Be good to others and better to yourself. 对别人要好，对自己要更好。
 A random act of kindness is a positive pebble that ripples through the proverbial   pond of life. 善意的行为能激起人生池塘的美妙涟漪荡漾。
  Work to live; don't live to work. 工作是为了生活，生活不是为了工作。
  Time is the arbiter of fate. 时间是命运的最终裁决者。
  Free will is God's greatest gift. 自由意志是上帝赋予的最好礼物。
  Experience is a close second. 回头看看，经验就在你的身后。
  Opportunities are made up easier than losses.
     抓住新机会要比弥补旧损失更容易。
  Profitability begins within. 利润始于你的内心。
  One hand washes the other. 洗手需要两只手。
  Just because one yells doesn't make the message more important.
   有理不在声高。
  Where you stand is a function of where you sit. 位子决定立场。
   Life is the cumulative sum of your decisions. 人生就是你一系列决定的总合。
   The only difference between genius and madness is acceptance.
      天才与疯子之间的区别，只在于你的主观立场。
  The only difference between intervention and manipulation is communication.      介入和操纵之间的区别，只在于你是否选择沟通。
   The only difference between a lesson and a mistake is the ability to learn from     it. 教训和错误的区别，只在于你能否从中学到东西。
   Negative energy is wasted energy. 负面情绪是一种垃圾情绪。
   Adapt, don't conform. 适应，但不顺从。
   Take the high road; it's less crowded and has a better view.
       在大路上走，那里不太挤，而且看得更远。
   Stay out of debt. 不要欠人钱。
   Be thankful for what you have rather than pine for what you don't.
      为已经拥有的满怀感激，不要为得不到的东西哀怨。
  Seek balance. 寻求平衡。
  The definition of an investment should never be a trade gone awry.
      投资不能以一次交易论成败。
  To appreciate where we are, we must understand how we got here.
      要想搞清楚我们在哪儿，必须先搞清楚我们是怎么到这儿来的。
  Drugs that mask symptoms aren't the same as medicine that cures the        disease. 缓解症状的药物并非治愈疾病的药物。
  The opposite of love isn't hate; it's apathy.
        爱的对立面不是恨，而是无动于衷。
  The friction between opinions is where true education resides.
        观点摩擦可以产生真正的知性火花。
   A dream is only as powerful as those who believe in it.
       梦想的力量与对梦想的信念成正比。
   Money comes and goes. 金钱来了还会走。
   The reaction to news is more important than the news itself.
       对新闻的反应比新闻本身更重要。
   Trading gods have a vicious sense of humor.
       掌管交易的众神有一种令人哭笑不得的幽默感。
   Tomorrow is promised to nobody. 谁也不能保证明天会怎样。
   If you do the right thing long enough, someone will eventually take notice.
       只要有足够长的时间做对事情，总会有人关注到你。
   Good traders know how to make money; great traders know how to take a            loss. 好的交易员知道怎么赚钱，伟大的交易员知道如何承受损失。
  Seeing old friends is good for the soul. 和老朋友见面有益身心。
  Some of the wealthiest people I know don't have two dimes to rub together.
      我认识的一些最富有的人，其实身无分文。
 By the time you get to where you want to be, the journey will have already ended.       一旦到达目的地，旅途本身就已经结束。
  Emotion is the enemy when trading. 情绪是交易的敌人。
  When in doubt, sit it out. 拿不准的时候，多看少动。
  The only difference between being early and being wrong is if you're there to      collect your chips.
     提早布局和错误布局的唯一区别就在于，你能否收回自己的赌注。
   Build a growth company by surrounding yourself with people who can    themselves grow. 想创建能发展的公司，就要团结那些能成长的人。
   Tenacity, resolve and perseverance are the hallmarks of success.
       决心、毅力和坚持是获得成功者的特质。
   Hope isn't a viable investment vehicle. 希望并非一种有效的投资工具。
   Stay humble or the market will do it for you.
        戒骄戒躁，否则市场会帮你戒骄戒躁。
   Be careful with people who don't love pets. 和不喜欢宠物的人交往要当心。
   The ability not to trade is as important as trading ability.
        不交易的能力和交易能力同样重要。
  The Crash didn't cause the Great Depression; the Great Depression caused       the Crash.    不是1929年的股市大崩盘导致经济大萧条，而是经济大萧条导致  股市大崩盘。
   Social mood and risk appetites shape financial markets.
      社会情绪和风险偏好塑造着金融市场。
   The leaders coming out of a crisis are never the same as those that enter it.
     走出危机的领导者与走入危机的领导者永远是两类人。
   The ability to add capacity into a downturn defines the winners on the other          side. 只有在市场低迷时有加仓的眼光，才能在市场反转后成为赢家。
   Discipline trumps conviction. 投资纪律胜过投资信念。
   There is a difference between having fun and being happy.
     好玩和快乐是两码事。
   Gratitude is latitude. 宽容即是一种感恩。
   There's no shame in admitting it's hard; there's only shame in pretending it's     not. 承认困难并不可耻，可耻的是假装它不是困难。
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
       如果不去解决问题，那你自己就有问题。
    Society is a sum of the parts. 社会是由各个零部件组成的。
    View obstacles as opportunities. 把障碍视为机遇。
    The air of integrity gets thinner with age. 正直的气息随时间消散。
    The meaning of life is a life of meaning. 生活的意义在于过有意义的生活。
    Think positive! 乐观处事！
    One step in front of the other.  比别人多走一步。
 

八十七、有趣时光

   现在是全球金融史上最有趣的一段时光，并将影响未来几代人的前进方向。有两种方式来应对这些充满挑战的日子，一是把头埋在沙堆里，希望一切都平安无事；一是积极做好准备，以自己的行动来确保美好的未来。
   金融知识是社会进化的一个基石，这些知识无法在政客演讲或股票推荐中找到，而是一个终生的学习过程，需要时间、耐心和谦逊，并要与自己信任的人精诚合作，取长补短。
   这就是Minyanville网上社区的招牌特色。我们并不宣称自己无所不知，但为自己能提出开拓思路的问题而感到自豪。我们不给投资建议，因为每个素未谋面的投资者其风险特征和投资周期都各不相同，这样做反而容易造成误导；但我们可以告诉读者自己正在做什么，为什么要这么做，以及实际操作情况是什么样子的。
   针对股票市场，我最清晰的一个想法是，我们正在经历一个长期熊市中的周期性牛市阶段。金融危机并未消失，只是改头换面，从金融问题转为经济问题，进而成为社会问题。这种转变将以多种形式表现出来，是一个多元线性的动态过程。也就是说，剧本随时都可能改变，层出不穷的事情将接踵而来。
   保护本金、减少债务和注重财经资讯将是任何投资策略的成功保证，至少在各种失衡现象有所缓和之前应该如此。这样做并不会限制你获得更好的收益，但应该是当前我们摸着石头过河时最需要牢记的原则。
   在未来的数周和数年里，我们将细细琢磨自己的市场观点。同时，我衷心希望通过份享我走过的弯路，无论是人生教训还是投资失误，能给大家带来前车之鉴，从而避免犯下同样的错误。
   什么时候开始都不算晚，拥有梦想完全可以，遇到挫折也在情理之中。只要记住一点：享受你的旅途，因为一旦到达目的地，旅途本身就已经结束。
   愿平安与你们同在。

Interesting juncture 
We live in one of the most interesting junctures in world history, a period that will shape the pathway for generations to come. There are two ways to approach these challenging times. We can hide our heads in the sand and hope for the best or proactively prepare and do our part to affect a positive outcome.
Financial literacy is a cornerstone of our societal evolution. That won't be found in a sound bite or a lightening round, it's a lifelong process that requires time, patience, humility and an ability to surround yourself with people you trust who have skill-sets that complement your own.
That is the calling card of the Minyanville community. We don't claim to have all the answers but we pride ourselves on asking questions that provoke thought. And while we won't give advice -- that would be misguided given the unknown risk profiles and time horizons of an unknown audience -- we'll share what we're doing, why we're doing it and how it's being done in real-time. See link.
My most lucid thought with regards to the market is that we're witnessing a cyclical bull nestled within a secular bear. The financial crisis hasn't disappeared; it's simply changed shape as it migrates from the financial to economic to social sphere. That can manifest in many ways and it's a multi-linear dynamic, meaning the script can change at any time and the ramifications will arrive in waves.
Capital preservation, debt reduction and financial intelligence are the hallmarks of any successful strategy; at least until such time that the cumulative imbalances are alleviated from the system. That doesn't preclude further upside but it's most certainly something to keep in mind as we together find our way.
We'll chew through our market view in the weeks and years to come. In the meantime, it's my sincere hope that by sharing some of my missteps, be them life lessons or market mistakes, others will have the foresight to avoid them altogether.
It's never too late to start, entirely alright to dream and perfectly normal to stumble. Just remember to enjoy the journey; for by the time you arrive at where you want to be, the trip will have already ended.
   
May peace be with you. 

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