六十一、The Jedi mind trick  絕地武士
   
I only wrote for a year and a half but the process was part of my daily routine. No matter the mood, regardless of circumstance and without interruption, I shared my thoughts each day on TheStreet.com.
我只寫了一年半的時間，但寫作已經成為我日常生活的一部分。不管自己情緒怎樣，無論發生什麼事情，我都毫無間斷地每天在TheStreet.com上跟讀者分享自己的想法。
    Some days were easier than others, but there was steady consistency. Every move I made and every shift in my outlook was communicated with the world.
有些日子寫起來順手一些，有些日子寫起來困難一些，但我的文章始終保持着一種連貫性。我的每一步舉動，對未來觀點的每一次變化，都與整個世界分享。
    My photo remained on the website above the words 'Todd Harrison's Trading Diary' for weeks after my resignation. It bothered me but I had bigger fish to fry in the form of a bleeding portfolio that suddenly gave back the better part of our year.  我不再發表專欄文章後的數星期，我的照片依然掛在網站上“托德.哈里森交易日記”的標題上面。這讓我感到不快，但自己有更緊急的事要處理，組合還在虧損，侵蝕着我們在好年景時攢下來的利潤。
    I missed writing but there was plenty to keep me occupied. White powder found in a post office, fresh threats of imminent attacks, those damn planes shaking our office every 15 minutes. It was a surreal sequence of events during a dark time for the world.
我想念寫作的日子，但眼前的事情讓我無暇顧及其他。郵局發現的白色粉末，再次發動恐怖襲擊的威脅，每15分鐘讓我們辦公室震動一次的飛機起降。世界彷佛籠罩在黑暗之中，荒誕不經的事情一件接着一件發生。
    My inbox filled with e-mails from concerned readers. I had an unwritten rule that if someone took the time to write, I would give the courtesy of an answer. As it turned out, that was my only connection to the audience, a microcosm of the subscribers that read me daily. I was silenced without so much as an opportunity to say good-bye.
我的郵箱裡滿是關心我的讀者發來的電子郵件。我對自己有個不成文的要求,既然有人花時間給我寫信，我就應該出於禮貌給他們回信。結果，這成了我與讀者之間唯一的溝通方式，有那麼一小撮人，每天能讀到我寫的東西。TheStreet.com給我下的封口令如此徹底, 以至於自己都沒機會跟讀者說再見。
    My readers forwarded me exchanges they had with TheStreet.com, where the editors assured them I was on sabbatical and would soon return.
我的讀者將他們與TheStreet.com的溝通郵件轉發給我,網站編輯向他們保證，我只是在休假，很快就會回來。
    After digesting my earlier discussions, I understood why they did what they did. They made decisions they believed to be in the best interest of their company. It's not what I would have done but it wasn't my business and I normally wouldn't get involved.
我靜下心來回味當時的談話，漸漸理解了他們這麼做的原因。他們認為自己是在維護網站的最大利益，雖然我不會選擇這種做法，但這與我無關，而且通常我也不想參與進去。
    But this was different -- these were my readers and I viewed what TheStreet.com did as ethically unacceptable and morally askew. I didn't want to be associated with their brand.
但有一點不可商榷─那些是我的讀者，而我認為TheStreet.com的做法不合情理，也不符合職業操守，因此不想再和這個公司產生任何聯繫。
    Not with regard to my name and not when it came to my word.
 我的名譽不容他們侵犯，我的言論不容他們壓制。 

六十二、True colors  知人知面不知心
   
 I called Dave Morrow to vent my frustration and found a new attitude on the other end of the line. 'You just need some time to relax,' he told me, 'take that time and come back when you're ready.'
 我打電話給戴夫.莫洛，發泄自己的不滿，結果發現電話那頭的態度有了變化。“你只是需要一點時間放鬆一下，”他對我說，“好好休息，等準備好了再回來。”
    'I told you Dave, I don't work with people I don't trust.' I left it at that, despite the nagging realization that my readers were getting the short end of the stick. “我告訴你戴夫，我從不跟自己不信任的人共事。”我留下這句話就掛斷電話，但心裡總有些不安，畢竟讀者才是這場爭鬥的受害者。
    Jim was still a central player in our fund, which continued to struggle in the wake of 9/11. Not once during this period did he and I connect. We were still up for the year but the slow, steady grind of the fourth quarter took its toll, both on the fund and its stewards.
 吉姆依然在公司基金中扮演着關鍵的角色，而基金繼續在911的餘波中掙扎。在此期間，我們倆從沒當面溝通過。基金當時還在賺錢，但難熬的第四季度還是讓我們付出了代價，無論是對基金來說，還是對基金的掌舵人來說。
    I didn't discuss TheStreet.com with my partners. They, like I, had more pressing responsibilities. I tried to let the situation settle despite my growing unease with the way it was being handled. 我沒跟合伙人討論TheStreet.com的事。他們和我一樣，都有更緊急的職責要履行。我想等局面自己平息下來，但對這件事的處理方式，心裡越來越感到不安。
    Each time I saw an advertisement that promoted 'Todd Harrison's Trading Diary,' I looked the other way. 每次我看到網頁上跳出“托德.哈里森交易日記”的廣告窗口，就會把頭扭過去不看。
    With every e-mail I got an e-mail from a concerned reader who asked for the date of my promised return, I internalized the aggravation.
每次我收到讀者來信，問我何時回來，我心中都充滿憤怒。
    I actually convinced myself that I had put the entire experience behind me until I dialed into TheStreet.com conference call after they reported earnings.
其實，我已經說服自己把整件事放在腦後，直到有一次我以電話會議的方式參加TheStreet.com的業績報告會。
    While discussing top-line results, CEO Tom Clarke fielded questions from the audience. Marc Cohodes, a well-known hedge-fund manager and a large holder of TheStreet.com stock, finally asked, 'What happened to Todd Harrison and is he ever coming back?' 在交流公司業績情況後，TheStreet.com的首席執行官湯姆.克拉克(Tom Clarke)接受聽眾的提問。馬克.科蒂斯(Marc Cohodes)是一位知名的對沖基金經理，同時也是Marc Cohodes的大股東。他提出一個問題：“托德.哈里森是怎麼回事？他還會回來寫專欄嗎？”
    Tom paused before answering as I sat up in my seat and pressed the phone to my ear. 湯姆停頓了一下，沒有馬上回答，我在椅子上坐直，把話筒緊緊靠在自己的耳朵上。 
    'Todd, like all of us, went through a lot and is experiencing emotional difficulties. We hope to have him back soon,' he said. “托德，和我們大家一樣，最近經歷了很多事情，情緒上有些波動，我們希望他不久後就能回來。”他說道。
    I was managing a $400 million portfolio through a tsunami of terrorism. The last thing I needed was the CEO of a publicly traded company telling the world I was emotionally unstable.   在恐怖主義的狂風驟雨中，我依然堅持管理着四億美元的組合。我最不需要的就是一個上市公司的首席執行官當着整個世界的面說，我的情緒不太穩定。

六十三、Trading places  交易場所
   
I tried to focus my energy on trading which was a battle unto itself; the frustration was palpable as we clung on to single-digit returns. After 11 months, we had little to show for our efforts. I still had a hefty base salary to fall back on but that was supposed to be a buffer.
我盡力把精力放在交易上，因為這本身就是一場艱苦的戰爭；組合收益在個位數上徘徊不前，公司瀰漫的焦慮情緒顯而易見。雖然努力了11個月，但我們依然看不到什麼回報。我還有一筆豐厚的底薪可拿，但那應該只是作為底薪才對。
    That's the fatal flaw to the Wall Street persona, the personal high-water mark. Once you make $5 million, anything less feels like a failure.
這就是華爾街人的致命缺陷，會給自己設一個高高的水位線。一旦賺過500萬美元的年薪，任何低於這一金額的收入都感覺是失敗。
    It's outrageously silly with the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom of experience, but at the time the mindset consumed me.   回過頭來，以一種過來人的心態來看，這種想法簡直荒唐透頂，但當時我就沉浸在那種思維定式中不可自拔。
    The junior staffers on our desk weren't as secure with their financial standing. I took that personally, and promised them they would be taken care of.    交易席位上中低層員工在經濟上還沒那麼穩固，我對此感到難受，我對他們承諾，我會照顧他們的。
    Insiders at TheStreet.com whispered to me that subscriptions were considerably lower after Sept. 11. I felt guilty: not happy, not validated, not vindicated but guilty. The welfare of those around me -- my traders, my readers and my family -- weighed heavily on my psyche.
TheStreet.com的內部人員悄悄對我說，911事件發生後，網站的訂閱用戶數量急劇減少。對此，我感到內疚：不是高興，不是釋懷，不是幸災樂禍，而是內疚。那些圍繞在我身邊的人─我的交易員、讀者和家人們─都在我內心深處占據着重要的位置。
    I missed my column but didn't admit that to anyone. I set out to explore alternatives, another venue that would take the place of my once-stable stage.
我想念自己的專欄，但沒對任何人承認這一點。我開始探尋其他一些渠道，以替代那個一度讓我埋頭寫作樂此不疲的專欄。
    I was in need of a solution, a new beginning, something to stop the intense pain. I wanted to create an alternative reality as an escape from the pain that seemed to saturate my spirit. 
我需要一個解決方案，一個新的開端，一個能舒緩巨大痛苦的東西。我想遠離現實世界，逃離深入我靈魂深處那鑽心蝕骨的痛苦。 

六十四、

   進入9月份的前幾個月，我跟一個名叫凱茜.加農(Casey Cannon)的女人成為朋友。她給我發來電子郵件，而我和以往一樣，對花時間寫信過來的人總是儘可能地回復。從一開始，我們之間就很有感覺，她說的話和問的問題都正對我的脾氣。
   她在娛樂圈取得不俗的成就，以前在喬治.盧卡斯(George Lucas)的工業光魔公司(Industrial Light and Magic)工作，後來自立門戶。互聯網電影數據庫(Internet Movie Database)的檔案顯示，她曾參與30多部電影的製作，和該行業的頂尖人才一起共事過。
   凱茜跟吉姆一家都很熟，並為他製作了退休的紀錄片。她作品的高品質吸引了我的注意力。
   勞動節的時候，我去毛伊島看望父親，凱茜建議我在洛杉磯停留一下，彼此見個面。當時她正在負責卡梅倫•克羅(Cameron Crowe)導演的電影“香草的天空”(Vanilla Sky)的開場部分，問我想不想客串出演個小角色。我從沒演過電影，因此一口答應下來。
   我的鏡頭只有一瞬間，但花了10小時才拍完。航班推後到第二天，給我們多出進一步了解對方的時間。我突然有個靈感，還從來沒人把金融和娛樂結合在一起；華爾街的人大多想出名，而好萊塢的很多人看中華爾街的錢，看起來真是天作之合。
   我把自己的想法告訴她，希望通過“呼呼”(Hoofy)和“噓噓”(Boo)這兩個卡通角色來傳遞金融信息。雖然華爾街的牛和熊在全世界大行其道，但沒人給它們起上卡通名字，畫出卡通造型；而動畫作為老少皆宜的一種表現形式，在社會各個階層都有廣大的愛好者。
   “既然沃特.迪斯尼(Walt Disney)能把兩隻小老鼠變成一種文化的象徵，”我對凱茜說，“我們也能把華爾街的牛和熊演繹成卡通角色，用它們來傳遞金融觀點，影響人們對市場的看法。”
   在不交易的時候，我的精力從TheStreet.com轉移到這個新平台上來─讓牛和熊這兩個代表金融市場起落的象徵符號變成卡通人物，並和諧地生活在一起，遠離真實世界的各種陷阱和痛苦。我想創造出這樣一個世界來，而凱茜擁有的技能可以幫我實現夢想。
   “你覺得花多少錢能搞定？”我在登機前問凱茜。
   “最多三萬美元。”她回答，價錢聽上去挺合理。此時去毛伊島看望父親的我，不但擁有豐富的從業經驗，而且已經穩穩地在華爾街站住腳跟，同時正把眼光投向好萊塢。
   “我想讓‘呼呼’和‘噓噓’在鏡頭前討論金融市場的是非曲直，”臨上飛機前，我對凱茜說，“這是一個思考的平台，一個徵集各種觀點的平台，一個社區…”
   我停下來想了一下，找到了一個能隱約概括這些內涵、用於猶太教里一起祈禱人數的名字：“就管它叫Minyanville吧。”

In the months leading into September, I developed a friendship with a woman named Casey Cannon. She reached out through e-mail and I responded, as I always did to those who took the time to write. Our connection was unique from the beginning; she asked the right questions and said the right things.
She was an accomplished player in the entertainment arena, having worked for Industrial Light and Magic with George Lucas before venturing out on her own. Her profile on Internet Movie Database featured more than 30 films in which she worked with the best and the brightest in that industry.
Casey knew Jim and his family well; she produced his retirement video. That caught my attention for the high production quality of the work.
During my Labor Day trip to Maui to see my father, Casey suggested I stop in Los Angeles so we could meet. She was directing the opening sequence on Cameron Crowe's 'Vanilla Sky' and asked if I wanted a cameo role. Having never been in a feature film, I jumped at the chance.
The split-second shot took 10 hours to produce, which pushed my flight to the next day and gave us time to get acquainted. I mused that nobody ever bridged finance and entertainment; as most people on Wall Street want to be famous and many in Hollywood want Wall Street's money, it seemed like an intuitive fit.

I introduced the notion of Hoofy and Boo as vehicles of information. While the Wall Street bull and bear played globally, nobody ever put faces or names to them. Animation is a generationally neutral genre that has an audience throughout the societal spectrum.

'If Walt Disney can brand two rodents as cultural icons,' I told Casey, 'we can take the Wall Street bull and bear, and affect position change through financial understanding.'

When I wasn't trading, my focus shifted from TheStreet.com to the concept of this new platform -- one where metaphorical representations of financial dynamics could live in harmony, away from the pitfalls and pain in the real world. I wanted to build this world and Casey possessed the skills to facilitate my dream.

'How much do you think we can do it for?' I asked her before finally boarding my flight.

'Thirty grand, tops,' she replied, which sounded reasonable enough. With experience in tow, Wall Street as a stable foundation and Hollywood in my sights, I headed to Maui to see my father.

'It'll be a place where Hoofy and Boo will gather to debate the merits of the financial markets.' I said as I readied to board the plane, 'A platform for thought, a collection of opinions, a community...'

I paused to think and drew a veiled analogy to a quorum necessary for prayer: 'We'll call it Minyanville.'

六十五、又見面了

   2000年，我發現父親患有躁鬱症，後來得知自己的合伙人吉姆.克萊默也患有同樣的病症。2001年的四月，我失去了祖父魯比。悲痛剛剛有所緩解，又看到兩架飛機撞上曼哈頓的世貿中心。這是一段黑暗而自省的日子，在這種情況下，最能了解自己內心深處的東西。
   Minyanville就像一隻在地球餘燼上浴火重生的鳳凰，把我帶離自己不想面對的凡世塵囂。我的肺部彷佛呼吸到了充滿生命活力的空氣；這是一個避難所，一個從痛苦之地通往光明和歡快世界的通道，沒有恐怖襲擊、沒有惡意、沒有辦公室政治，也沒有議程。
   我依然把精力放在對沖基金上，嘗試各種方法來重新把握住自己一度已經習以為常的交易感覺；然而，基金的表現忽上忽下，利潤微薄，與上一年高歌奮進、大賺特賺的情景形成鮮明對比。
   11月末的一天，離閉市還有一小時，我的電話響了。是吉姆打來的，這是我從TheStreet.com辭職後他第一次跟我接觸。當時，我的感覺可謂百味雜陳，既興奮，又不安，還帶着一點謹慎。我完全不知道他想說什麼，但還是很高興聽到以前朋友的聲音。
   “嘿，夥計！”他充滿熱情地開場，“我想讓你今晚上我的節目。”
   吉姆作為電視人正在煥發第二春，和萊瑞.科德羅(Larry Kudlow) 共同主持“今日美國”(America Now)節目。
   “我倒是想，”我跟他解釋，“但最近狀態不太好。”這是事實，現在的我可謂身心俱疲。然而，這個說法並不管用。
   吉姆翻來覆去地想要說服我，我感覺這次是躲不過去了。“好吧，”我說，“我晚上七點到CNBC演播室，把節目錄好。”這次訪談的題目是即將實施的2001年度經濟刺激方案，以及我對一些股票的走勢判斷。
   經過911的大洗盤後，股市大幅上揚，上演了一場絕地大反攻。在市場那“看不見的手”的穩步推動下，愛國主義很快演變為對股市的高度樂觀。當時，市場一致看多，任何不一樣的聲音都會被視為不愛國，遭到人們的唾罵。
   好幾年後，公開討論美國政府“跌市保護組” (Plunge Protection Team)的是非利弊才不至於被冠以“陰謀論”的帽子。雖然我們在911恐怖襲擊後最初制定的交易策略是對的，但基金的表現沒能跟上股市大漲的步伐。
   我們在市場暴跌時沒能堅守住立場，接着又在市場大漲時踏空，氣得牙直癢。機會總比損失更容易彌補，但已經失去的市場機會就像是給新鮮的傷口上抹了一把鹽。
   兩位主持人在討論稅收刺激政策和市場心理，而我在旁邊應和着，扮演好自己的角色。當鏡頭轉向我時，我儘可能清晰地表達出自己的想法。
   “基金經理正在努力追趕市場的表現，”我在談到股市大漲時說，“我看到市場的趨勢，並尊重這種趨勢，但不認為能夠長久持續下去。資產泡沫的結果不會是V型反轉。”

六十六、The morning after  次日早上
   
I settled into my turret at 6 a.m. the next day, powered up my systems and found six e-mails waiting from Jim. They began early in the morning and I read them in chronological order. The first was innocent enough, something along the lines of 'Hey man, thanks for doing the show.'
 第二天清晨六點，我來到自己的交易席位，把電腦打開，發現吉姆發過來六封電子郵件，第一封是一大早就發來的。我按時間先後閱讀這些郵件，第一封沒什麼特別的，吉姆說了幾句諸如“夥計，謝謝來做節目”之類的話。
    As I scrolled through the correspondence, his stream of consciousness began to shift. He became increasingly agitated and, by the sixth e-mail, outright rude. I read his final e-mail a few times.
我一封封接着看，發現他的意識流開始發生變化，情緒越來越躁動，到第六封的時候，已經變得異常粗魯。最後一封郵件讓我看了好幾遍。
    'I had you on my show, the least you can do is write a column for TheStreet.com. If you don't want to respond to me, then FINE!'
“我讓你上節目，你至少該給TheStreet.com寫篇文章。既然你不想給我回復，那就算了!”
    I didn't know if the invitation to be on his show was a trap. I was at a crossroads; I wasn't concerned that his internal fires were ablaze but I didn't want to bite his hand. He still had money in the fund and he had our investor's ears.
我不知道上他的節目是不是一個陷阱，但這讓我左右為難。我並不在意吉姆的火氣大小，但也不想跟他對着幹，畢竟他在公司的基金里有投資，而且其他投資者也聽他的。
    I spoke to Jeff and told him I would write a column if it would calm the furor. Maybe it was a legal thing, given TheStreet.com told my readers I was coming back. I don't know and I really didn't care. I wanted to make peace with the man and move on with my career.
我跟傑夫談了談，說打算寫篇文章安撫一下吉姆的情緒。這算是合情合理，因為TheStreet.com對讀者說我還會回來的。我說不清這其中的糾葛，也不想去弄清楚，只是想和吉姆和解，好讓我踏踏實實地干自己的事。
    I agreed to write a year-end piece chronicling what was, what is and what would be. It was a strong column, as I wanted to represent my voice in a manner consistent with what was built. While I wrote with the intention of it being one and done, it reminded me of how much I loved to write and how much I missed the forum.
我答應寫一篇年底的總結性文章，回顧過去，審視現在，並展望一下未來。這是一篇有份量的文章，我想用以往樹立起來的那種風格闡述自己的觀點。雖然是抱着一錘子買賣的心態來寫文章，但整個過程還是讓我感受到自己有多麼喜愛寫作，有多麼想念這個專欄。
    After the column posted, Dave Morrow called and asked if we could talk. 'Sure,' I replied. 'Swing by tomorrow after the bell.'
文章發表後，總編戴夫.莫洛打來電話，說想跟我談談。“當然可以，”我說，“明天閉市後到我這裡來吧。”
    When he got to my office, I left my traders on the desk and ushered Dave to a conference room. Once there, he expressed his regret over what happened, apologized with sincerity and asked me to come back to TheStreet.com.
戴夫來到我的辦公室，我讓交易員幫我照看一下席位，然後帶他去會議室。一到那裡，他就說很後悔以往發生的種種事情，真心實意地向我道歉，並請我重回TheStreet.com。
    I told him that I needed a few days. I knew why he was there and it had nothing to do with my best interests. Still, it was something that I wanted, perhaps needed.   我告訴他自己需要幾天考慮一下。我知道他為什麼來，也知道他並非在為我的利益考慮。不過，這個結果是我想要的，可能也是自己需要的。

六十七、Idea man  絕妙主意
   
I spent some time chewing through his offer and asked for another meeting, this one at a restaurant. Over a Grey Goose martini, I laid out my thoughts to the top brass of TheStreet.com. 我花時間考慮戴夫的邀請，並要求再次會面，這次安排在一個餐廳。喝上一杯灰雁(Grey Goose)馬提尼後，我把自己的想法向TheStreet.com的高管們和盤托出。
    'Why don't we partner on a professional product, one that's geared to the hedge-fund audience? I'll provide content, you guys run the back end and we'll whack up the revenue.'      “我們何不聯手推出一個專業產品，為對沖基金的投資者量身定做。我來提供內容，你們負責後台工作，賺的錢大家分。”
    'Great idea!' they exclaimed while huddling and conferring, 'Let us put our heads together and we'll get back to you in a few days.'    “好主意！”他們湊在一起商量了會兒，說，“我們內部碰個頭，過幾天跟你聯繫。”
    Later that week, we again met and they laid their cards on the table. 'Three percent of the gross revenue,' they said, 'We'll give you 3% of the gross revenue.' I'm not sure what I was expecting but I was clearly underwhelmed.
過了幾天，我們再次見面，他們給出了條件。“百分之三的總收入，”他們說，“給你3%的總收入。”很難說我的期望值到底是多少，但這個報價顯然引不起我的興趣。
    'I don't think so,' I answered before realizing I was speaking, 'That's not going to work.' They asked what it would take to get the deal done and I told them I would need to think about it. I returned to my office, where 200 positions awaited, and tried to focus on the task at hand.
“恐怕不行，”我不假思索地說，“這可幹不了。”他們問我想要多少才願意干，我說得考慮一下。我回到辦公室，那裡有200個交易頭寸等着處理，我努力把注意力集中在手頭的工作上。
    While I was surprised by their opening offer, I knew that was how the game was played. I spent the rest of the week asking myself difficult questions and weighing past transgressions against my desire to write again. When push came to shove, I knew what I had to do and was willing to swallow my pride.
雖然他們的開價之低出乎我的意料，但我知道這是一個討價還價的遊戲。在那個星期剩下的時間裡，我一直在問自己一些難答的問題，回顧以往的得失利弊，權衡是否要再次動筆。在需要做出重大決定的時候，我知道自己應該幹什麼，也願意做出一些讓步。
    I called Dave the next morning and told him that it wasn't about the money, and that I was willing to move forward. I told him I didn't want to write for a professional audience on the new site and preferred my regular column.
第二天早上，我給戴夫打去電話，告訴他錢不是問題所在，自己願意繼續合作，但不想在新網站上為專業投資者寫文章，而願意寫以前那個專欄。
    I wanted to write for those who wrote my grandfather letters on his deathbed. I wanted to write for myself and release the hurricane in my heart. 我想為那些給我病榻上的祖父寫信的人寫文章，我想為自己寫文章，把內心狂風驟雨的情緒發泄出去。
    'We can't do that,' he suddenly said, 'We can't have our best writer on the old site while we're launching a professional product aimed at hedge funds.'
“我們沒法答應，”他突然說，“既然已經打算推出一個針對對沖基金的專業產品，我們就不能把最好的專欄作者放在舊網站上。”
    I was prepared for many things but I was shocked by that latest twist. 'We have nothing left to discuss,' I said as I hung up the phone, disgusted at myself for being so vulnerable. 我已經有應對各種可能性的心理準備，但這種說法還是讓我十分震驚。“那就沒什麼好談的了。”我說，並掛斷了電話，心裡非常鬱悶，自己怎麼老是被人算計。
    It was a good idea and they knew it. They were going to launch it, with or without me.
 那是個好主意，他們知道這一點。不管有沒有我，他們都要推出新網站。

六十八、全力前進

   2001年結束了，而我和TheStreet.com的合作也壽終正寢。他們又找過我幾次，提出一些誘人的條件─比如六位數的薪水，以及六位數的股票期權─但這些都不管用。我告訴他們，自己從不跟不信任的人沾邊。有一點我很清楚，如果再跟他們合作，那只能怪我自作自受了。
   年終的時候，我們的基金只有一點點盈利；但我心裡終於放下了一塊大石頭，畢竟又有新的一年可以施展手腳。這就是華爾街的運作方式─每年的12月31日業績歸零，每個人都要從頭開始新的一年。
   911事件後，我的情緒一直低落，一方面要跟市場拼殺，另一方面又發現媒體業的真實嘴臉。此外，我還在跟抑鬱症這個魔鬼抗爭；當然，好幾年後我才意識到這一點。在經歷過那些場面後─跳樓的人、飛機撞擊以及衝過來的火球─我在潛意識裡遭受到了沉重的打擊。
   2002年是一個全新的開始，我張開雙臂迎接它的到來，並有信心駕馭市場的起伏並有所斬獲。我知道TheStreet.com請基金經理道格.卡斯(Doug Kass)來做我原來在新產品中的工作。道格是我的朋友，在接受這份工作前，跟我談了這件事。
   擺在我眼前的還有更重要的事情。我把主要精力放在基金上，因為我的兩年合約已經進入第二年；另一個關注的方面是Minyanville，因為它承載着我的希望和夢想。與其說這是一個商業實踐，不如說是我的使命；既是一個完全自我的目標，也是心靈的棲息之地。
   在周末和平時的晚上，我們不停地搭建三維建模，讓“呼呼”和“噓噓”這兩個卡通角色活起來。我對凱茜說過，計劃投入30,000美元做這個項目，但預算很快就顯得過於保守。我的目標不是推出TheStreet.com這樣的網站，而是一個更有魄力的計劃，甚至更加宏大。
   我希望建立一個把華爾街市場(Wall Street)和平民百姓(Main Street)對接起來的社區，一個世界一流的平台，既有教育和娛樂功能，又讓人願意投入其中。我想改變世界，什麼也無法阻止我，吉姆.克萊默不行，TheStreet.com不行，金錢當然也不行。
   我手頭不缺錢，因此不惜工本地打造Minyanville。我們請到了曾經獲得奧斯卡最佳特效獎的動畫大師約翰.貝爾(John Bell)來設計“呼呼”和“噓噓”的人物造型。凱茜在加州Santa Monica的家中辦公，建設Minyanville網站。

Full steam ahead

As 2001 ended, my relationship with TheStreet.com died with it. They came back a few times with lucrative offers -- a lofty six-figure salary and multiple six-figure stock options -- but the numbers didn't register. I told them that I don't associate with people I didn't trust and knew if I worked with them again, I would only have myself to blame.
Our fund finished the year slightly above the flat line and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that my performance anxiety had a new shelf life. That was the way it worked on Wall Street -- the registers were cleared at the end of Dec. 31 and everyone started from scratch.
I was emotionally spent after Sept. 11, battling the market and discovering the ugly truth behind the media landscape. I was also fighting the demon of depression, although I wouldn't realize that for a few more years. Seeing what I saw -- the jumpers, the impact and the fireball -- took a heavy, subconscious toll on me.
The year 2002 was a new beginning and I embraced it with open arms and confidence that I could shoulder the load and shed the baggage. I knew TheStreet.com gave my position in their new product to fund manager Doug Kass. Doug and I were friends and spoke about the offer before he accepted it.
I had bigger fish to fry as I eyed my immediate future. My primary focus was the fund, where I was entering the second year of a two-year deal. The other was Minyanville, which encapsulated my hopes and dreams. It was more of a mission than a business venture; it was entirely personal and very much an escape.
On weekends and at night, we worked incessantly on building wire frames that would bring Hoofy and Boo to life. I told Casey I would spend $30,000 on the project but that quickly proved conservative. My intention wasn't to build TheStreet.com -- the ambition was much larger than that, perhaps even grandiose.
I envisioned a community that bridged Wall Street and Main Street, a world-class platform that educated, entertained and engaged. I wanted to change the world and nothing was going to stop me. Not Jim Cramer, not TheStreet.com and certainly not money.
I had a stash of cash and spared no expense. We enlisted the help of John Bell, an animator once nominated for an Academy Award for special effects, to illustrate Hoofy and Boo. Casey worked from her Santa Monica home office and created the Minyanville platform.

六十九、分配時間

   基金的利潤乏善可陳，一半是因為市場新的走勢捉摸不透，另一半是因為我們的心理狀態還沒有調整好。我每天凌晨五點醒來，與傑夫、馬特以及我們受到衝擊但還算穩定的團隊共同管理基金，晚上回家後就琢磨Minyanville這個新發現的興趣所在。
   晚餐可以隨便對付，周末的朋友聚會可以延期。我每天工作20個小時，把自己關在家裡，拔掉電話線，拉上窗簾。當時，我並不知道自己患有“創傷後壓力心理障礙症”(post-traumatic stress disorder)和抑鬱症，而是下意識地埋頭於Minyanville的建設當中，那是一個脫離現實、由卡通人物唱主角的平行空間。
   我知道，這聽上去很怪異，但它拯救了我的生活。
   Cramer Berkowitz公司在試圖穩步前進，但內部的氣氛有些緊張。我不清楚傑夫和吉姆在私下談什麼，但覺得他們的態度都有些微妙。吉姆知道我在創建Minyanville網站，非常不高興。
   克萊默需要一個敵人來給他動力，如果沒有敵人，他就會自己造一個出來。
   我並不害怕，這似乎讓他有些困惑；但我清楚，他對公司基金的投資者是有影響力的。我們的員工情緒低落，畢竟他們經歷了根本不該經歷的恐怖事件。Cramer Berkowitz那種特有的無拘無束的輕鬆氛圍基本消失了，因為我們不再能夠戰勝市場。
   基金的平庸表現並非因為吉姆的離開。事實上，我認為公司不受吉姆大起大落的情緒影響後，運作更為有效。很簡單，整個世界變了，而我們仍處於情緒的困惑之中，分不清盟友和敵人，地緣政治的影響也讓我們無所適從。
   純真年代一去不復返，我們的國家正在準備戰爭。
   內心深處，我也在準備打一場自己的戰爭。

Dividing time

Profits at the fund were elusive, due in equal parts to the new market dynamic and our admittedly frazzled psyche. I awoke at 5 a.m. each day and managed the fund with Jeff, Matt and our shaken but steady crew before returning home at night to brainstorm on my newfound passion.
Dinners and weekends with friends had to wait. I worked 20-hour days and locked myself in my apartment, turning off the phone and closing the curtains. I wasn't aware I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I hid from it in Minyanville, a parallel universe with animated critters.
It sounds strange, I know, but it saved my life.
The mood within Cramer Berkowitz was strained as we attempted to forge ahead. I wasn't privy to conversations between Jeff and Jim but assumed they were tenuous. Jim understood I was creating Minyanville and was entirely displeased.
Cramer needed an enemy to motivate him and would create one if necessary.
I wasn't intimidated, which seemed to bother him, but I was aware that he had influence with our investors. It took a toll on our staff, particularly after experiencing horrors that nobody should be forced to endure. The freewheeling fun that was the hallmark of our corporate culture was gone in no small part because we were no longer beating the street.
Our sudden mediocrity wasn't a function of Jim's absence. In fact, I would argue that the firm was more functional without his wild, emotional swings. It was simply a new world and we were in the middle of a confused conduit of emotions, alliances and geopolitical agendas.
Our innocence was gone and our country was preparing for war.
Internally, I readied for the exact same thing.

七十、

   我祖父魯比曾對我說過，時間是最貴重的商品。我從未真正理解這句話的含義，直到2002年。
   我每天瘋狂地工作20小時，試圖白天為基金賺錢，晚上打造自己的Minyanville王國，甚至連周末也不放過。傳統意義上衡量成功者的那些標準再也無法激勵我，我的內心有一種渴望，想以一種積極的方式傳遞自己的能量。
   我知道，911改變了我，在我潛意識裡埋下種子，潛伏長達數年之久。當時，我以為只要埋頭苦幹，最後就能到達一個更美好的地方。
   痛失祖父魯比，發現父親及生意合伙人都有完全不同的兩面性，又身處一場恐怖大襲擊的中心地帶，這一切促使我反覆思考。我對自己說，只要能努力度過這段日子，什麼也阻擋不了我。只要能夠度過……
   我的靈魂和精神受到創傷，每一次沉重的心跳，都在提醒我這個不可避免的事實。我變得很少出門，快速遠離我以往的生活方式。
   朋友們邀我出去，但誰有那個時間？要干的活兒太多，當我不工作的時候，就睡上幾小時，內心還要寬慰自己，就當這幾個小時是出去玩了。最後，電話不響了，社交邀請慢慢消失，幾乎沒人再來關注我。
   我不能，也不想繼續這樣下去。記得有一天清晨，我看着鏡子裡的自己，那是一張疲憊而又空洞的面孔。震驚整個世界的911事件，就像一石激起千層浪，讓我深深地反省自己，改變自己。
   我創建了魯比派克兒童教育基金會(Ruby Peck Foundation for Children's Education)，以此表達對祖父的敬意，他的智慧仍在不斷指引着我前行。這個基金會是我對祖父深切之愛的具體表現，也是在這個突然變得陌生的世界裡傳遞關愛的一個渠道。
  關愛。911發生後的那幾天，世界確實閃現出關愛的火花，但很快就被塵囂瑣事埋沒了。這本應是一個契機，讓全世界攜起手來做出積極改變，但當時的各種決策卻埋下了社會對立和動盪不安的種子。
   我想做更多的事，我不想自己的墓志銘上寫着：“他對股市的感覺不錯。”
   以前，有人讓我寫寫自己熟悉並熱愛的東西，現在，我想把這個命題擴大到自己的人生。我熟悉金融市場，愛着自己的祖父。而Minyanville和魯比派克基金會是能結合兩者的最佳解決方案。
   我日以繼夜地孕育着它們，這是一個昂貴的現實，最終要花費數百萬美元，吸走我每一盎司的能量。
   小時變成天，天變成星期，星期變成月。還沒等我回過味來，已經到了2002年的年底。
   快到重設時鐘的時候了。

My grandfather Ruby once told me that time is the most precious commodity; I never understood what he meant until 2002.
I worked furious 20-hour days, trying to create profits by day and Minyanville at nights and during weekends. I wasn't motivated by conventional measures of success; it was an internal need to channel energy in a positive way.
I knew 9/11 affected me. Subconscious seeds were planted that day, and they remained buried for years. At the time, I thought that if I could just burrow through, I would eventually arrive at a better place.
I reflected on losing Ruby, on finding out my father and business partner were both bipolar and on being at the epicenter of a massive terrorist attack. I thought to myself that nothing would ever stop me if I could just power though that period. If I could just power through...
My soul and spirit were damaged goods, an unavoidable fact that pounded home with each beat of my heavy heart. I didn't go out much, a rapid departure from the life I once lived.
My friends reached out, but who had time for that? There was too much to do, or that was my internal rationalization for stealing a few hours of sleep when I wasn't working. Eventually my phone stopped ringing and social invitations dried up. I barely noticed.
I couldn't continue at that pace and didn't want to. I remember looking into the mirror one morning and not recognizing the drawn, empty face that returned my stare. The events of Sept. 11 rocked the world and the reverberating energy was the genesis of a massive personal introspection and evolution.
I founded The Ruby Peck Foundation for Children's Education as a tribute to my grandfather, who continued to guide me with his learned wisdom. It was a tangible manifestation of an intense love, a vehicle to channel benevolence in a suddenly unfamiliar world.
Benevolence. It glimmered briefly in the days following the attack but disappeared just as quickly when agendas took root. It was an opportunity for the world to pull together and affect positive change but instead, decisions were made that planted seeds of societal acrimony and social unrest.
I wanted to do more. I didn't want this written on my headstone: 'He had a good feel for the market.'
Someone told me to write about what I know and love, and I wanted to extend that to my life. I knew financial markets and I loved my grandfather. Minyanville and the Ruby Peck Foundation were the only solutions that made any sense.
I spent countless hours birthing both. It was an expensive reality, ultimately costing millions and absorbing every ounce of my energy.
The hours turned to days, days into weeks and weeks into months. Before I knew it, I was staring at the final stretch of 2002.
It was almost time to reset the clocks. 

七十一、Houston, we have liftoff...  火箭升空
   
We launched Minyanville.com in October 2002 as a 'financial infotainment and education' platform.    2002年10月，我們推出了Minyanville.com，作為一個“金融信息娛樂及教育”平台。
    TheStreet.com chose that exact day to open their site for free as we pulled back our curtain. I knew they were watching but I underestimated their agenda. 就在Minyanville.com登台亮相那天，TheStreet.com選擇同一天免費開放其網站。我知道他們在盯着，但低估了他們對抗的決心。
    I reached out to them before launch, offering my content for free as long as it was branded to Minyanville.  之前，我跟TheStreet.com聯繫過，提出願意免費提供我網站上的內容，只要註明資料來自Minyanville就行。
    Their response essentially was: Go screw yourself -- you're the enemy now. They were ruthless but they weren't dummies. The last thing they were going to do was lead readers directly to me.    他們的答覆基本上是：去你的吧─現在你是敵人。他們冷酷無情，但並不愚蠢；他們最不願做的，就是把讀者引到我的網站上去。
    I searched TheStreet.com and realized they deleted most of my content from the archives. Countless travails from the inner elasticity of the bubble, personal reflections about my grandfather, the tribute I wrote to Bill Meehan, steadying words to investors on how to position for the new world -- all were gone.
我搜索TheStreet.com網站上的內容，發現我的絕大多數文章都從資料庫里刪除了。無數對市場泡沫膨脹和破滅的記述，對我祖父留下智慧的思索，對比爾.米漢(Bill Meehan)寄託的哀思，以及孜孜不倦告訴投資者該如何在新時代找到準確定位的文字－－全都不見了。
    Founder Jim Cramer took some of his money out of the Cramer Berkowitz fund where I worked and I could tell he was leaning on his co-founder in the fund, Jeff Berkowitz, now my partner and good friend. It was a tough spot for Jeff and the stress was evident. Imagine working with someone you genuinely love, a person who chose you to facilitate his success only to become a source of stress instead.        在我工作的Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金，創始人吉姆.克萊默從基金中撤出了一部分資金。我能看得出來，他對基金的另一個創始人，也是我現在的合伙人和好朋友，傑夫.伯克維茲寄予厚望。傑夫的處境很難，壓力可想而知。想象一下，一個你真正喜歡的同事把自己的成功寄托在你身上，這只會給你帶來莫大的壓力。
    It was the middle of December; we were fried after yet another year of battle. Our 2002 results mirrored those of a year earlier, positive gains but well below what we were capable of doing. 12月中旬到了，經過又一年的拼搏，我們還是有點力不從心。2002年的基金業績與一年前的情況一樣，取得了正收益，但低於我們本應能夠達到的水平。 
    And we were miserable, an unpleasant dynamic in any environment but an absolute barrier when battling for performance in the fierce world of finance. If you're not on the same wavelength as the guy next to you in the trenches, you won't shoot straight when performance is in your sights.
我們過得都不開心，在任何環境下，這都不是個令人愉快的局面，尤其是在為突出業績而激烈競爭的金融圈，絕對會形成一個巨大的障礙。如果你和坐在旁邊交易席位上的同事無法以同一個波段進行溝通，那麼在向業績這個靶子射擊時，不可能打得很準。
    Just as Jeff and I communicated without words while trading, we had a similar connection away from the tape. He also endured the pressure of another tough year and was equally aware our relationship was strained. He had Jim on one side, our investors on the other and a staff that relied on us both to put food on their table. 傑夫和我在交易時心有靈犀，在交易之外也有類似的感覺。他同樣承受着又一年收成不好所帶來的壓力，同樣清楚我們之間的關係有些緊張。他的天平一邊是吉姆，一邊是基金的投資者，此外還有一幫指望我們倆給飯吃的員工。
    He, like me, wore his heart on his sleeve and I could see it beating a mile away.  他，和我一樣，都恨不得把心掏給別人看。在一英里外，我就能看到那顆善良的心在跳動。 

七十二、  Exit strategy  退出策略
   
Our conversation started as any other, with me asking him if we could get off the desk and chat. When we shut the door to his office, there was a silence that spoke volumes about what needed to be said. I don't know how the conversation would have gone if I didn't start it but imagine the outcome would have been much the same. It was one of the most honest and heartfelt discussions we ever shared.
那次談話的開始和以往任何一次一樣，我問他能不能離開交易席位談一下。我們走進他的辦公室，關上門，兩人都沉默起來，仿佛是在權衡接下來的談話要用多大的音量。我不知道如果自己不先開口，談話會如何進行下去，但覺得結果應該都差不多。這是我們之間最開誠布公、最交心的一次談話。
    'This isn't working,' I began as we looked into each other's eyes. 'I agree,' he responded, quicker than I anticipated. As partners, we knew what needed to be done but as friends, we were saddened that it came to that. He knew I was in the throes of building Minyanville and deep down, I knew it wasn't fair to put him in that position.
 “看來不行。”我開口說，彼此看着對方的眼睛。“我同意。”他回答，比我想象的要快。作為合伙人，我們知道應該做什麼；但作為朋友，我們都很傷心，事情不得不走到這一步。他知道我正在策劃Minyanville，而且投入很深；而我清楚，讓他面對這種局面很不公平。
    Writing while trading was a great idea when your partner owned the company and performance was pristine. It was a different dynamic when you're viewed as competition and profits are elusive.
當你的合伙人是公司老闆，而且投資業績驕人時，一邊交易一邊寫作是個好主意。但當你被視為競爭對手，而且公司業績低迷時，情況就大不一樣了。
    Twenty minutes later, I tendered my resignation. Twenty minutes. After fifteen years of friendship and three years of blood, sweat, tears and laughter, we were going our separate ways. 20分鐘後，我提出了自己的辭呈。20分鐘。經過十五年的友誼，度過三年流血流汗、歡喜悲傷的日子後，我們不得不分道揚鑣。
    It was the middle of December -- almost three years to the day after we uncorked bottles at Gramercy Tavern -- and I suddenly had no idea where I was going to hang my hat. That's a problem when you've already spent a million dollars on a Web site predicated on the financial markets.          12月的中旬－－距離我們在Gramercy Tavern餐廳喝酒已經快有三年了－－我突然發現自己無處可去。當你早就在一個金融網站上投入100萬美元時，這是一個大問題。
    For the first time, the reality of the situation hit home. I had three weeks to relocate and two of them were booked on vacation. I took my traders to dinner that night and over several rounds of drinks, assured them they would be taken care of. They were family but in a few short weeks, I needed a new home.      我第一次感覺到，現實世界是如此現實。我有三個星期重新安置的時間，其中兩周已經預訂了休假。辭職那天晚上，我跟手下的交易員一起吃晚飯，酒過三巡後，我拍胸脯說，我走了他們的日子還會過得很好。他們曾是我的家人，但幾個星期後，我又得尋找新家了。
    I hadn't a clue where that would be.  而我根本不知道，自己的新家在什麼地方。
 

七十三、換了人間

   沒過多久，我辭職的事就傳開了。華爾街是個很小的地方，消息傳得很快。我們的交易券商－－從高盛到摩根士丹利，從貝爾斯登到雷曼兄弟－－都靠Cramer Berkowitz對沖基金的交易佣金賺得盆滿缽滿。在我任交易主管的時候，每年要付給他們7000萬到9000萬美元的佣金。
   他們很不樂意見到與其關係融洽的看門人把鑰匙交還給城堡，尤其是當這個城堡的業務進展順利之時。我向他們保證，接班人會很不錯；但自己的下一步該怎麼走，心裡卻沒那麼有把握。
   Minyanville推出後，我是唯一一個在上面寫文章的人，魯比派克基金會也比我預期的更燒錢。我需要一個家園，讓我能跟上市場脈動，並增加一些收入。   當了12年的交易員後，我認識一些關注我去哪裡工作的朋友。我接觸了幾份工作邀請，但不知道該往哪個方向去。
   有個以前的同事打電話來，讓我在做任何決定之前先跟他見個面。他和一個受人尊敬的基金經理共事，那個基金公司位於紐約的公園大道(Park Avenue)。作為其業務模式的組成部分，他們經營一個“對沖基金酒店”，為對沖基金提供辦公空間、交易系統和人力資源支持，用來交換他們的交易訂單和佣金。
   我走進他們的辦公樓，富麗堂皇的大廳讓我印象深刻，一些全球最大的金融機構在其間辦公。我參觀了一下，和公司高管坐下來聊天，聽取可能的合作方式。“你應該考慮設立自己的基金，”他們說，“這裡的設施一應俱全，我們可以幫你處理各種事務和文書工作。”
   我沒有深入考慮過這個可能性，但自己需要一個家，他們看上去很友善，而且設施不錯。
   他們信任我，這是我不會忽略的東西。Minyanville每個月要花5萬美元，而我還有其他的各種支出。此外，在911後，設立一個非盈利基金會所要付出的努力和投入的成本非常巨大。
   我需要有些收入進帳，想找到一份能讓我的交易專長與寫作欲望和平共處的工作。我在摩根士丹利培養了技能，在Galleon得到進一步磨練，在Cramer Berkowitz一展身手，建立起華爾街最好的交易席位之一。在傾聽對沖基金可能的架構時，我開始在心裡盤算起得失來。
   一個正常的對沖基金收取委託資產1%的管理費，以及利潤的20%作為業績提成。但他們提出一個不同的設想，不收管理費，但業績提成提高到50%。這是為華爾街最出色的交易員特別設計的架構，一種前輕後重的薪酬方式，一切靠業績說話。
   他們願意向我提供種子基金，而我對自己的能力充滿信心，把大部分的積蓄也投入進來，其他一些人也紛紛拿錢加入。很快，我就把私人物品和一些體育賽事紀念品搬到了位於公園大道的新家。

Blink and you're in business
It didn't take long for word to spread. Wall Street is a small place when it comes to news. Our trading coverage -- from Goldman to Morgan to Bear Stearns to Lehman Brothers -- lined their pockets with commissions generated by Cramer Berkowitz. That number totaled between $70 million and $90 million per year during my tenure running the desk.
They weren't happy their gatekeeper was relinquishing the keys to the castle, particularly when the castle did business the right way. As I assured them that our desk would be in strong hands, I was less certain about my next move.
Minyanville launched, I was the only writer and the Ruby Peck Foundation proved costlier than I anticipated. I needed a home that allowed me to stay in the flow and make some dough. After 12 years of trading, I had peers who had a vested interest where I landed. I listened to a few offers, unsure of which direction to pursue.
A former colleague called and asked me to meet with him before I made any decision. He worked with a reputable money manager at a fund located on Park Avenue. As part of their business model, they operated a 'hedge fund hotel,' providing space, trading systems and human capital in exchange for order flow and trading commissions.
I walked to their offices and was impressed with the large marble lobby that housed some of the world's largest financial institutions. I made rounds, sat with the principal players and listened to possible collaborations. 'You should think about starting your own fund,' they said, 'We'll set you up here and help with the process and paperwork.'
It wasn't something I had seriously considered but I needed a home and they were friendly faces with a solid structure.
And they believed in me, which was not something I overlooked. Minyanville was costing more than $50,000 per month and I had other obligations. Further, the effort required and costs to start a not-for-profit foundation after Sept. 11 were substantial.
I needed a revenue generator, something that could utilize my skills and underwrite a symbiotic ecosystem. I had honed my skills at Morgan, sharpened them at Galleon and demonstrated them at Cramer Berkowitz, building one of the finest desks on Wall Street. As I listened to the potential hedge fund structures, my mind began to calculate the windfall.
A typical structure charges 1% of total assets as a management fee and 20% profits as a performance fee. But they floated something different, a structure with no management fee and 50% of the profits. It was a deal reserved for the best traders on the street, a back-end loaded payday based purely on performance.
They offered to seed me and as I had full faith in my abilities, I plowed most of my money into the fund as well. Others followed and before I knew it, I moved my personal items and sports memorabilia to my new Park Avenue home.

七十四、I felt...free.  我覺得……自由自在。
   
The stress of a large hedge fund manager was one I wasn't going to miss. The outsized risk, the sleepless nights, the battling over positions, the gains and losses, and my self-worth defined by green or red bottom lines each night.
一個大型對沖基金的基金經理所承受的壓力我不會去懷念。風險巨大，徹夜難眠，圍繞頭寸進行搏殺，賺錢虧錢，每晚依據利潤的完成與否來決定自我價值，這種生活我再也不想過了。
    There is a reason trading is considered a young man's game. While I was only 34 years old, my spirit and soul aged well beyond my years. I remember thinking I made a 'lifestyle decision,' that my new routine would facilitate an easier and more relaxing existence. 交易員是年輕人的遊戲，這話很有道理。雖然我只有34歲，但心理年齡已經大大超出實際年齡。我記得當時自己在想，這是一個“轉變生活方式的決定”，新的人生道路應該讓我活得更簡單，更輕鬆。
    As the capital management paperwork went through the proper channels, I traded my personal account to keep my skills sharp. With a singular assistant, I squirreled away snazzy gains at my new digs. It was unfamiliar operating without a team, but it didn't impede my success, as evidenced by my initial results.
在資金管理相關手續辦理過程中，我通過交易自己的私人賬戶來保持市場狀態。在只有一個助手幫忙的情況下，我慢慢積累起可觀的收益。脫離一個團隊來進行交易的感覺很陌生, 但最初的業績表明, 這並未影響我的成功發揮。
    It was a small base but I took calculated bets. My confidence grew; maybe I was that good and the terms of my fund were warranted after all.
私人賬戶的資金量不大，但我每次下注都很謹慎，我的信心慢慢開始增長，也許我確實很厲害，我基金的條款都得到了保證。
    Minyanville transitioned to a pay site -- $10 per month to help offset the operational costs -- but it remained a loss leader. I received piles of checks each week and signed my name too quickly. I needed an income generator to feed the beast, the final piece of the puzzle that would tie it all together.
Minyanville轉型為一個付費網站─每個月收10美元，以抵消部分運營成本─但網站仍處於虧損狀態。我每周都會收到一大堆賬單，在支票上簽字的速度太快了，我得找個賺錢的活兒來養活這隻嗷嗷待哺的小野獸，除此之外別無他途。
    My hedge fund launched in March 2003. It was a tense time in the world as the U.S. and U.N. danced around the prospects of war. I was certain the worst was to come, that the invasion of Iraq planted seeds of global unrest; that the poltergeist had only just begun to stir.
2003年3月，我成立了自己的對沖基金。當時正值全世界氣氛緊張之際，美國和聯合國在圍繞着戰爭邊緣起舞。我確信，美國入侵伊拉克將埋下全球不安定的種子，厄運不可避免，一場混亂的鬧劇才剛剛開始上演。
    As I watched 'shock and awe' brought to the world on CNN, I thought to myself: 'This is the end of the Roman Empire, a tipping point through a historical lens.'      我通過CNN電視台觀看美國戰鬥機在伊拉克的大規模轟炸，心裡想：“這就是羅馬帝國的結束，美國將重蹈歷史的覆轍。”
 

七十五、對賭市場

   基金開張差不多和美軍入侵伊拉克是同一天。股市大漲，我卻趁機建立空頭頭寸。這是一個讓基金一炮打響的好機會，我為自己開始新的人生篇章而感到興奮不已。
   我的投資理念包含四個主要維度─基本面、技術分析、市場結構和市場心理─這些是我分析股票的基礎所在。雖然這四個維度的權重在不同時期有所不同，但以此進行整體考量是衡量風險/收益情況的最有效方式。
   市場以驚人的速度攀升，人們很快就把對戰爭的擔 甩在腦後，強大的市場動能正在積聚起來。政策制定者推出的財政和貨幣刺激計劃就像給市場點了一把火，結構性的變化推動資產價格不斷上升。
   艾倫?格林斯潘(Alan Greenspan)幫忙把網絡泡沫吹大，以此應對當時正在蔓延的亞洲金融危機；現在，他還想故計重施。房地產泡沫開始顯現，信貸泡沫也進入醞釀階段。
   政策制定者在爭取時間，讓經濟獲得真正意義上的復甦，而對刺激政策可能帶來的不良後果並不關心。美國股市是全世界最大的溫度計，而華盛頓也明白這個事實。他們需要股市走高，不管採取什麼必要手段。
   回過頭來看，一切都很清楚；但在當時，我的眼光沒那麼銳利。
   現在我能明白財政和貨幣刺激政策一起上的威力，以及一個下定決心的美聯儲影響力到底有多大；但當時的我失去了自律能力，陷入情緒的漩渦不可自拔，犯下交易員最不該犯的錯誤，覺得自己不會失敗，過於自我，最終飽嘗了徒勞和失敗的苦果。
   我在Minyanville網站上發表文章，闡述刺激政策的風險，也按此觀點投資自己的對沖基金。按照時間和股價調整我的空頭頭寸。我認為人為的信貸擴張不可持久，很快就會偃旗息鼓，結果讓基金的買賣時點和風險頭寸都在和市場唱對台戲。
   過早行動和錯誤行動的唯一區別就在於，你能否收回自己的賭注。我不想為自己的錯誤辯解，這些錯誤讓我飽嘗痛苦，名譽掃地，備受煎熬。成立對沖基金的本意是彌補一下自己做其他事情所投入的成本，結果我卻瘋狂地往相反的方向奔跑。
   我一個人干四份工作─管理基金、運營Minyanville、寫文章和建立魯比派克基金會。雖然我有些積蓄，但絕大部分都和其它籌碼一起投入到基金當中，蒸發的速度很快。
   基金的風險空前巨大，我四處尋找這一切的始作俑者，卻不得不懷疑，罪魁禍首其實就是我。

Betting against the market  對賭市場
   
The fund opened for business almost to the day of the invasion and I used the rally to establish bets against the market. It was an opportunity to start my venture with a bang and I was excited for the next leg of my journey.
My stylistic approach incorporated four primary metrics -- fundamentals, technical, structural and psychology -- that served as the foundation of my analysis. While they assumed different weightings at different times, a collective assimilation was the most effective measurement of risk/reward.
Markets climbed the wall of worry at an astonishing pace; something powerful was afoot. Structural agendas pushed asset prices higher as policymakers lit fiscal and monetary matches under the market.
Alan Greenspan fueled the tech bubble to combat the Asian contagion and was intent on a repeat performance. The real estate bubble began, as did the early stages of the debt bubble.
Policymakers bought time for a legitimate economic recovery to take root and were unconcerned with the eventual ramifications. The stock market is the world's largest thermometer; a fact not lost on the boys from the Beltway. They needed the market higher, by all means necessary.
It's clear with the benefit of hindsight but I didn't see it coming at the time.
I now appreciate the power of the collective agenda and the influence of a motivated Federal Reserve. At the time, it was a lesson in futility and failure, a stretch when I lost my discipline and got sucked into an emotional vortex, the cardinal sin of any trader. I wasn't used to losing and took it very personally.
I wrote about the percolating risks on Minyanville and put my money where my mouth was, scaling into short positions as a function of time and price. I expected the ramifications of artificial credit creation to come home to roost, and failed to sync my time horizon and risk profile.
The only difference between being early and being wrong is whether you're there to collect on your bet. I won't rationalize my missteps. They were painful, public and all-consuming. The fund was supposed to underwrite the collective costs of my various endeavors but I was furiously running in the other direction.
I worked four jobs -- managing the fund, running Minyanville, creating content and building the Ruby Peck Foundation. While I had some money stashed away, most of it was on the table with the rest of my chips. They were fading fast.
The stakes were never higher and I looked around the table for the sucker; I couldn't help wonder if that sucker was me. 

七十六、真正的財富

  我深陷虧損泥潭，相關業績讓我發狂，日常開支應接不暇，白天痛苦不堪，晚上徹夜難眠。   

   我頂風前行。工作時間更長，交易頻率更快，寫的東西更多─這些是我唯一覺得可以做的事情。
   我為能夠多往前爬一米而奮鬥，哪怕最後只能爬上一寸，也算有所收穫。
   這一年，我把所有跟投資沒有直接關係的事情都往後推，每天日以繼夜地工作，社交生活一片空白，但還是因為少有建樹而緊張急躁、怒氣沖沖。
   以往讓我感覺生活快樂的那些奢侈享受，現在都成為自己玩物喪志的證明。我一直感覺自己為人謙遜，即使身處視謙遜為軟弱的投資行業依然不改本色，但在那個時候，我覺得自己根本就是一無是處。我內心的火焰─那點燃我所有希望和夢想的火焰─已經被現實打濕熄滅，讓我陷入更深的抑鬱當中。
   在電影《華爾街》(Wall Street) 中飾演洛烏.曼海姆(Lou Mannheim)這個虛構人物的哈爾.霍爾布魯克(Hal Holbrook)說過：“人看向深淵，而那裡卻無人回望。就在那一刻，人發現了自己的本性。正是這讓他遠離深淵。”
   我的職業生涯經歷過很多浮沉，有時單單一個交易日就有兩三千萬美元的盈虧，但到2003年，當自己的積蓄和信心都煙消雲散之時，我才真正 會到了浮沉的含義。
   我不想說金錢不重要，因為這話不對；但我能用自己的親身經歷告訴你，如果想從銀行帳戶中尋找快樂，那你就會錯失更好的機會。
   當我似乎擁有一切時，其實並未找到自己在尋找的東西；而當我似乎失去一切時，才明白真正的財富是什麼。
   不再有私人飛機接送和演出的前排票，那些在我幫助下獲得成功的人，沒一個給我回電話。早年的同事戴維.斯萊恩(David Slaine)曾對我說過，別對這些人抱有希望，但我根本沒料到，這種態度的轉變會如此集中、如此突然。我在華爾街的朋友，那些從我毫不藏私的投資觀點中賺錢的人，在我最需要他們的時候卻消失得無影無蹤。
   我不會天真地認為，別人對我的態度應該跟以前一樣，但自己確實把一顆真誠的心放錯了地方。我能夠信任的朋友圈子越來越小，起初還是慢慢變小，後來卻放量萎縮；不過，我還是在心裡原諒了那些中山狼。
   在社交生活上，類似的情況也在開始發生。以前經常有人給我打電話，尋找免費喝酒和乘豪華車的機會，現在卻一下子清靜下來。這是一個讓我十分痛苦的覺醒時期。
   就象他們說的，我的世界中更重要更好的東西是，我意識到當自己無法達到更高更好的目標時，就會被它無情地拋棄。在經歷整整一個輪迴後，我才最終明白這個道理；但我確信，自己已經變得更好了。

The other side of the trade

I was mired in losses, consumed with relative performance, overwhelmed with overhead costs, completely miserable during the day and helplessly sleepless at night.
I pressed harder, worked longer, traded faster, wrote more -- it was the only solution that made any sense.
Surely, if I fought for the extra yard and clawed another inch, I would be rewarded for my efforts.
As the year progressed, I put everything that wasn't directly related to my professional efforts on hold. I worked around the clock, my social life was a ghost town and I was edgy and angry at my lack of success.
The toys that were once a validation of my happiness served as sad reminders of a misplaced soul. I always believed I was humble, particularly in a business where humility is viewed as a weakness, but then I was bare. My fire -- the energy that ignited all of my hopes and dreams -- was damp and dark as I delved deeper into depression.
Hal Holbrook, playing the fictional Lou Mannheim in the film 'Wall Street,' said: 'Man looks into the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.'
I've had many swings during my career -- $20 million-$30 million swings in a single session -- but it wasn't until 2003, as my savings and resolve dissipated, that I truly got it.
I won't say money is insignificant as that's untrue. But I can tell you from experience that if you look for happiness in a bank account, you're missing the bigger trade.
I didn't find what I was looking for when I seemingly had it all. In fact, it took losing almost everything to understand what true wealth really is.
The private jets and front-row shows morphed into calls not being returned by those I helped succeed. David Slaine, my colleague from the early days, told me to expect it but I didn't foresee the magnitude or suddenness. Friends on the street, those who benefited from my free-flowing, revenue-generating ideas, disappeared when I needed them most.
I wasn't naïve enough to think that I would be treated with the same standing but I projected my loyalty to people and places it didn't belong. My circle of trust tightened, slowly at first but then dramatically, as I mentally released those who bit the hand that once fed them.
Socially, a similar dynamic began to take shape. My phone stopped ringing as often as it did when there were free bottles and fancy rides. It was a painful realization to absorb.
As they say in my part of the world, 'the bigger, better thing' was that I realized if I couldn't deliver it, I was no longer part of it. It took a round trip for me to finally see it, but I am certain I'm a better man for it.

七十七、人生的圓圈

   2003年5月，我安排父親回已經闊別20年的美國東海岸生活。雖然我正疲於奔命地忙着拯救自己身兼數職的生活，但兩年前，我在父親服刑期間答應過他。祖父魯比教導過我，一個男人擁有的全部就是他的名字和承諾。我現在錢少了，但這兩樣東西卻不能丟。
   我和哥哥亞當曾去夏威夷希望能救我們父親；一年後，父親服刑結束，我也如約回到夏威夷。在經歷長期孤單無助的流浪生活後，他終於得到了對症治療，並在一個動物收容所做志願者。就在那時候，我們商量好讓他來東海岸生活。現在，他已經來到了紐約。
   我去機場接他，兩人久久擁抱在一起，這個擁抱融化了多年來的失望、憤怒和成見。父親表現得非常謙卑，那是失去一切後再次面對另一種人生時的戰戰兢兢。
   父親說他有很多次都想自殺，但對孩子的牽掛讓他忍受住了痛苦的煎熬。我們談了一個又一個小時，他經常說得泣不成聲。
   幾天后，我們去巴爾的摩(Baltimore)旅行，他有生以來第一次見到自己的孫子孫女。到那兒的第一天晚上，我們在餐桌旁坐下，我發現自己在用自豪的目光看着他，這是我第一次體驗到這種感覺。真是世事難料，小時候我總讓他為我感到驕傲，現在我們倆的角色卻倒了個個兒。
  我等待這個家庭大團圓的時刻等待了許久，此時我才意識到，晚餐等的時間越長，吃的時候就會感覺越好吃。

Full circle  人生的圓圈
   
In May 2003, I arranged for my father to return to the East Coast for the first time in 20 years. While I was absorbed with trying to save my symbiotic ecosystem, I made a promise to my father when he was in jail two years prior. My grandfather Ruby taught me that all a man has is his name and his word. I was losing money, but I wasn't about to lose those, too.
One year after my brother Adam and I ventured to Hawaii with hopes of saving our father, I returned as I said I would to enjoy his freedom. After his long stretch of homelessness and hopelessness, he was properly medicated and volunteering at an animal orphanage. It was then that we discussed his trip to the East Coast. Before I knew it, he touched down in New York City.
As I greeted him, we embraced in a long hug that melted away years of disappointment, anger and judgment. He was a humbled man, the type of humility that comes after you've lost everything and stared into an different type of abyss, that of life.
He told me he contemplated suicide many times but the glimmer of his children saw him through his pain; he cried as we talked for hours upon hours.
A few days later, we traveled to Baltimore and he met his grandchildren for the first time. As we sat around the dinner table the first night, I found myself watching him with pride. It was the first time I ever experienced that particular emotion; after a childhood of seeking his approval, I found it ironic that our roles somehow reversed.
The reunion was a long time in the making. It was then I realized that the longer you wait for dinner, the better it tastes. 

七十八、漂流木和完美風暴

   2001年很痛苦，但與2003年相比，它簡直就像在公園散步一樣。我處境艱難，想同時控制四個在空中飛舞的球，極力尋找一條救贖之路，無論是有形的還是無形的。
   我越想努力站穩腳跟，就在絕望的深淵裡陷得越深。
   隨着股市繼續沖高，我的虧損進入兩位數區域，這簡直就是2000年的歷史重演，而我對當時的情景依然記憶猶新。這是人生的一個圓圈，我心裡想─我來到了收款台的另一邊。
   我自己的錢也放在基金里，和其他投資者託付給我的資金一起縮水。這些虧損，再加上Minyanvill和魯比派克基金會的大量投資，在侵蝕着我多年的積蓄。
   我和財務顧問一起坐下來，看自己手頭還有多少錢可用。年初的時候，銀行里還有幾百萬美元的現金。我看着那個存款數字人間蒸發，想着勢態就要發生變化了。
   我就像完美風暴中的一段漂流木，很明顯，現在是該做出決定的時候了。如果我還想極力支撐自己的所有嘗試，那很快一切都會被洪水沖走。
   我心如刀絞，不僅在心理上，也在身體上。我經常去看一個心臟病醫生，因為我知道，胸口疼痛不是個好兆頭。
   “你要當心，”他對我說，“鍛煉一下身體，別給自己那麼大的壓力。”
   我試着把“呼呼”和“噓噓”這兩個即將給人們了解金融世界帶來正面影響的卡通人物介紹給他，但他似乎並不在意。他更關心我的身體能否撐下去；而在我看來，唯一能讓我停下來的可能只有死亡。
   Minyanville擁有數量不多的一批忠實用戶。我們不願向素未謀面的讀者提供直截了當的投資建議，而是想通過與讀者的互動，激發他們的投資思路，提供一種與眾不同的教育。這與傳統媒體的做法背道而馳，與一個追求快節奏滿足感的世界格格不入。
   每過一天，漂流木就沉入水中一些；每一波虧損的浪頭打來，我的呼吸就變得愈加沉重。我太注重能否獲得傳統意義上的成功，而忽視了自己創建Minyanville的初衷，忘記了自己到底是誰。
   我一邊做着艱難的抉擇，一邊走向2003年的年末。這些決定不是我想選擇的，而是不得已為之。本意是用來證明我投資能力的東西無法與支撐我靈魂的東西共存下去，如果我還想再堅持一年的話。
   如果你做自己愛做的事，金錢會隨之而來。在對一個4億美元對沖基金的總裁位置揮手告別時，我是這麼想的。
   一個悲哀的事實是，剩下的錢沒多少了。

The driftwood and the perfect storm  漂流木和完美風暴
   
The year 2001 was painful but 2003 made it look like a walk in the park. I was spread thin, trying to keep four balls in the air and scrambling for redemption, tangible or otherwise.
The harder I tried to find my footing, the deeper I fell into the crevasse of despair.
As the markets ripped higher, my losses delved into double-digit territory. It was the mirror image of the 2000 scrimmage and that fact wasn't lost on me. It was the cycle of life, I thought to myself -- the other side of the cash register.
My money was in the fund, losing value alongside the capital that investors entrusted to me. That, coupled with substantial investments in Minyanville and Ruby Peck Foundation, chewed through my life's savings.
I huddled with my advisors and looked at what was left in the till. When I started the year, I had millions of dollars in the bank. I watched that number evaporate, expecting the tide to turn.
I was a piece of driftwood in a perfect storm, and it was clear that decisions needed to be made. If I tried to keep all of my efforts afloat, everything would drown at once.
There was heartache, not just figuratively but literally as well. I visited a cardiologist frequently, certain that the pain my chest was a foreboding sign.
'Take care of yourself,' he told me, 'get some exercise and stop putting so much pressure on yourself.'
I tried to tell him about the metaphorical critters named Hoofy and Boo that were going to affect positive change through financial understanding, but he didn't seem to care. He was more concerned about my ability to continue physically. In my mind, death was the only thing that could possibly stop me.
Minyanville, while loyal, was still a small community. Our mission of provoking thought and providing vicarious education through a shared process -- as opposed to offering outright advice to a faceless audience -- was a departure from traditional media and unconventional in an immediate gratification world.
With each passing day, the piece of driftwood took on a more water. With each wave of losses, my breathing became more labored. I was so focused on conventional measures of success that I lost sight of why I started Minyanville in the first place. I lost sight of who I was.
I had to make difficult decisions as I edged towards the end of 2003. They weren't decisions of choice; they were decisions of need. The business that was supposed to underwrite my existence couldn't co-exist with the one that sustained my soul if I hoped to survive another year.
If you do what you love, the money would come. That's what I told myself that when I stepped down as president of a $400 million hedge fund.
The sad truth was there wasn't much left. 

七十九、十字路口

   我想和財務顧問商量出一個辦法來。他們說，Minyanville燒錢的速度太快，過幾個月我就會破產。自從我決定身兼數職以來，已經差不多過去一年，而現在井水快要乾涸了。
   我花費無數個小時想方設法，希望能讓自己的夢想繼續下去。我的團隊信任我，但他們頭腦清晰，講求實效，看到我脆弱的一面。這個曾在股市呼風喚雨大賺特賺的對沖基金投資大師，現在已經今不如昔。我已經精疲力盡，大家都知道這一點。
   “你想怎麼辦？”他們問，而我正盯着銀行的存款數字，希望它們能變得好看一點。
   “我不會放棄Minyanville，”我告訴他們，心裡非常清楚，放棄根本不在考慮範圍之內，“我別的地方還有錢，可以拿過來用，直到我們獲得成功。”
   他們靜靜地坐在那裡，盯着我看。
   “建好網站，錢會來的。”我用“凱文?科斯特納”(Kevin Costner)式的自信聲音說道，同時也在說服我自己，好像還有什麼秘密武器沒用似的。但他們沒那麼樂觀，我身上的每個傷口都在流血，一個白天接着一個白天，一個無眠的夜晚接着一個無眠的夜晚。他們是對的，但我別無選擇。
   “即使我掉下萬丈深淵，也要帶着最心愛的兩樣東西下去，它們就是Minyanville和魯比派克基金會。”
   整個2003年，我一直都在跟自己的投資者交流，因此最終的決定並不令人感到意外。他們在投錢進來時就知道有風險，但這並不能減少我的負疚、慚愧和痛苦。我讓他們失望了，讓他們賠了錢，這是個不可迴避的事實，至今仍讓我無法釋懷。說來也怪，把自己大部分的錢放進基金讓我感覺好一點，而不是更糟糕。
   我關閉基金，把剩下的錢返還給投資者，在我職業生涯中記錄下最大的一筆投資損失。至今，它仍是托德?哈里森這個名字上的最大污點，我人生中最痛苦最尷尬的一個篇章。通往復甦的道路很漫長，而我只剩下一小罐汽油來推動引擎。
   我知道，如果在路上沒了油，不會有人來把我和車子拖回家。

The fork in the road

I huddled with my advisors and tried to identify a solution. Given the cash burn in Minyanville, they told me I would be insolvent in a matter of months. It had been almost a full year since I decided to create a symbiotic ecosystem, and the well was almost dry.
I spent countless hours trying to map strategies that would allow my dream to survive. My team believed in me but they were lucid and pragmatic; they saw the how fragile I was, a shadow of the once-powerful hedge fund master who moved markets and made millions. I was running on fumes and everyone knew it.
'What are you going to do?' they asked as I studied my bank statements, hoping they would change.
'I'm not going to abandon Minyanville,' I told them, knowing full well it wasn't an option, 'I've still got money hidden away and I'll use that until we succeed.'
They sat in silence, staring at me.
'Build it and they will come,' I said in my best Kevin Costner voice, trying to convince myself that I knew something they didn't. But they weren't as optimistic. I was bleeding from every orifice, day after day and night after sleepless night. They were right, but I didn't see another option.
'If I'm going down, I'm going down with my best one-two punch and those are Minyanville and The Ruby Peck Foundation.'
I spoke with my investors throughout 2003 and the final call didn't come as a surprise. They knew the risks before they invested, but that did little to quell my guilt, shame and pain. I let them down and lost them money, an unavoidable reality that haunts me to this day. For some strange reason, having most of my money in the fund made me feel better, not worse.
I closed the doors, returned the remaining money and booked the largest loss of my professional career. It remains the single biggest black mark on the name and word of Todd Harrison, a painful and embarrassing chapter in my life. The road to recovery would be long and I had to power the engine with a small reserve fuel tank.
If I ran out of gas, I knew there would be nobody left to tow me home.

八十、鳳凰涅磐

   2004年的開端與我職業生涯中的每一年相同，我嘗試從過去學到東西，化錯誤為經驗。我暗下決心，要在一年內把Minyanville網站變成真正的營生，否則就由它自生自滅，成為一個吞噬我數百萬美元的昂貴嗜好。
   我們建立起穩定的寫作隊伍， 羅到的人才很擅長寫東西，而他們的身份更有份量，包括托尼?杜爾(Tony Dwyer)、斯考特?里默(Scott Reamer)、凱文?戴皮(Kevin Depew)和約翰?蘇科(John Succo)等舉足輕重的專業人士。他們每個人都把自己對世界的解析和領悟與Minyanville的讀者分享。這些人寫東西不是為了錢，而是因為認同Minyanville的使命，即讓投資者對金融有更深的理解，從而做出積極的轉變。
   2004年夏，我們在科羅拉多州Crested Butte的山區舉辦了Minyanville第一屆會員交流會，目的是把我們的網上社區帶入網下，讓大家彼此對上號，從而建設一個活躍的金融信息論壇。Minyanville的會員紛紛前來參加，其中包括我最好的朋友和大學室友凱文?沃森(Kevin Wassong)。
   剛開始的時候，凱文只是作為網站的一個旁觀者，後來逐漸萌生了希望親身體驗Minyanville的想法。在我披荊斬棘進入一個全新行業的過程中，他一直堅定地支持着我，作為良師益友，向我提出如何在下一代數字媒體平台上布局的建議。
   沒有人比綽號“小魚兒”的凱文更理解這個行業了。畢業後，他曾去好萊塢追尋其媒體創意的夢想，後來回到紐約，1998年在智威湯遜公司(J. Walter Thompson)組建了數字媒體子公司，擔任首席執行官，並將其打造成美國十大互動媒體服務公司之一。凱文開創了許多先河，比如安排蘇富比拍賣公司(Sotheby)的第一次網上拍賣，促成美林公司(Merrill Lynch)進入數字廣告領域等。
   對他來說，Minyanville是一個“偉大的想法”，能夠把幾代聯繫到一起，超越多種媒體平台。他早早就來到會場，幫忙處理最後的一些細節問題，還為來賓準備禮品袋。這就是凱文，他從不關心我有多少錢，對夏季度假屋的狂歡也不感興趣，他從來就不是個追求“多多益善”的人。在周六的篝火晚會上，我們在一起燒烤棉花糖三明治(Smore)，我讓自己享受了一份難得的滿足時光。經過三年的奮戰，雖然要做的事情還有很多，可用資金也日漸萎縮，但Minyanville終於得到了公眾的認同，網上社區的從無到有就是一個很好的例證，說明我們的願景確實能產生共鳴。我們眺望遠山的日落，周圍一片歡聲笑語，我和凱文對視而笑。在那一刻，我知道凱文也看到了美好的未來。

The Phoenix

I began 2004 the way I started every year of my career, trying to learn from the past and morph mistakes into lessons. I told myself I would give Minyanville 12 months to turn it into a business, or it would leave a legacy as an expensive hobby that chewed through millions of dollars.
We built a stable of writers, human capital that was very good at what they did but better at who they were. They included such respected professionals as Tony Dwyer, Scott Reamer, Kevin Depew and John Succo. Each shared their insights and acumen with 'Minyans' around the world and didn't do it for the money; they wrote because they believed in our mission of affecting positive change through financial understanding.
In the summer of 2004, we hosted Minyans in the Mountains in Crested Butte, Colo., the first of many gatherings. The intention was to bring our online community to life, put faces to names and create an engaging forum for financial intelligence. Minyans flocked to the mountains, including my best friend and college roommate, Kevin Wassong.
After standing on the periphery since the inception, Kevin wanted to experience Minyanville first hand. He was a steady sounding board as I forged a path into an entirely new industry, serving both as a friend and offering advice on how to position a next generation digital media platform.
If anyone knew that space, it was 'Fish.' After college, Kevin headed to Hollywood to pursue his creative ambitions before returning to New York. He launched the digital group at J. Walter Thompson in 1998, became CEO and built it into a top-10 interactive services company. Kevin was responsible for a lot of firsts. He brought Sotheby's first auction online and Merrill Lynch into the digital advertising space.
To him, Minyanville was the 'big idea' that could connect generations and transcend media platforms. He arrived early to help tend to the last-minute details and prepare gift bags for the guests.
That was Kevin. He never cared about my money or the summer homes; he was never the 'bigger, better thing' guy.
As we roasted Smores at the Saturday night bonfire, I allowed myself a rare moment of satisfaction. After three years of heavy lifting, Minyanville arrived at a place of collective consciousness despite a motivated agenda and dwindling funds; the fledgling community was proof positive that our vision was indeed vibrant.
As we watched the sunset over the mountains and laughter filled the air, I turned to Kevin and shared a smile. That's when I knew he saw it too.

八十一、人鼠之間

   有人說，如果你告訴一個創業者讓夢想成真需要付出多少努力，那他根本就不會去選擇創業。雖然我從未後悔過創建Minyanville，但干自己感興趣的事畢竟也要付出努力，而且這種工作的挑戰性，完全出乎我的想象。
   2004年夏天過後，我們在拉奇蒙特鎮(Larchmont)凱文家附近的Applebee餐廳見面。幾杯啤酒和幾個漢堡下肚後，我們在帳單背面畫起一個“車輪式”的商業模型，輪軸是Minyanville網站，輪輻是各類附屬業務，包括廣告、訂閱、特許、活動、視頻遊戲、娛樂以及商品化營銷等。
   我在加州得到了一次與羅伊·迪斯尼(Roy Disney，迪斯尼公司的創始人之一)的商業合作夥伴斯坦·高爾德(Stan Gold)的會談機會，看能否拉他進來參與投資。我請凱文幫忙準備一份推介材料，原先定好與斯坦的會面時間是30分鐘，但演示進行到三個半小時的時候，我們依然還在激情澎湃地推銷着這個網站。
   “你要知道，斯坦，”我用急促的聲音說道，希望能讓他明白我們的所思所想，“既然沃特·迪斯尼能把兩隻小老鼠變成一種文化的象徵，那我們也能利用華爾街的牛和熊，用它們來傳遞金融觀點，讓人們的觀念產生積極的改變 。”
   斯坦坐在會議桌的另一端，大口抽着他的雪茄煙。“你們很有想法，”他一邊斟酌我們的話，一邊說道，“你們不妨等公司發展更成熟一些後再來找我。”
   雖然我們沒能“一舉拿下”，但凱文在此過程中發生了一些轉變。回到紐約後，我們倆決定籌集資金，給Minyanville一個一展身手的機會。我們都對未來充滿無限信心，但我知道，這是一場與我即將見底的銀行存款之間賽跑。
   2004年的最後幾個月，我們全力以赴忙着準備一份私人配售募股說明書，與律師商量，和會計師開會，向潛在投資者做推介。我一古腦兒地支付帳單，對成本視而不見，而是選擇把每一盎司的精力都投入到募集資金當中去。
   隨着聖誕、元旦一天天臨近，又快到重設時鐘的年底，我們的時間不多了。

Of mice and men

They say if you told an entrepreneur how much work it would take for his or her dream to succeed, they would never start the business in the first place. While I've never regretted Minyanville, the labor of love was a labor indeed and entirely more challenging than I would have ever imagined.
Kevin and I met at Applebee's near his home in Larchmont following the summer of 2004. There, over beers and burgers, we scribbled the 'wagon wheel' business model on the back of the check. The central hub was Minyanville and the 'spokes' were ancillary business lines, including advertising, subscriptions, licensing, events, video games, entertainment and merchandising.
When I landed a meeting with Stan Gold -- Roy Disney's business partner -- in California to see if we could get him to invest, I asked Kevin to help put together a presentation. We were told we had 30 minutes of Stan's time. But 31/2 hours into the presentation, we continued to pound the table with passion and purpose.
'You don't see it Stan,' I said in a hurried voice, pleading with him to see what we saw, 'If Walt Disney can take two rodents and create cultural icons, we can take the Wall Street bull and bear and affect positive change through financial understanding!' See link.
Stan sat back in his seat at the far end of the conference room table and chomped on his cigar. 'You sure have chutzpah,' he said as he weighed our words. 'Why don't you circle back when the company is more mature?'
While we didn't 'get the order,' something shifted within Kevin during that presentation. By the time we got back to New York, we decided to raise money to give Minyanville an honest shot. There was an incredible energy between us but I knew we were racing against the bottom of my bank account.
The final months of 2004 were a furious push to pull together a private placement memorandum. We huddled with lawyers, met with accountants and presented to potential investors. I swallowed the bills and looked through the costs, choosing instead to channel every ounce of effort into fulfilling our mission.
With the holidays bearing down, it was almost time to reset the clocks. Time was running out.

八十二、強顏歡笑

    2004年的最後衝刺讓人心力交瘁，激情、毅力和信念推動着我前行。當我們在紐約的Rosa Mexicana餐廳舉辦Minyanville年底派對時，心情可謂喜 參半，喜的是商業計劃即將成型， 的是現實面臨的各種窘境。
   從很多方面來看，我的舉止都很像一個信心十足的領導者，似乎身體健康，頭腦敏銳；但事實上，我已經嚴重透支。即使以我自己的標準來說，工作量都太大了。我經常心悸，肌肉酸疼，腦袋陣陣作痛。我記得當時自己在衛生間裡用冷水潑臉，並輕聲對自己說：“這樣會出問題的”，但轉臉又掛上笑容，去履行派對主人的角色了。
    我打算在派對結束後，第二天早上就去亞利桑那州土桑市(Tucson)的一個溫泉度假。我覺得急需從這場令人難以忍受的人生馬拉松中暫時解脫出來，仿佛自己長久以來一直在瘋狂逃避着什麼，除此之外，別無選擇。
   當時，我還不知道自己在911恐怖襲擊後患上了抑鬱症，但事後看來，那時的症狀很明顯。14年來，我努力把自己打造成為一名金融專業人士，現在卻不想再以傳統標準來衡量成功與否。而且，想到自己將要單獨度過一個禮拜，內心深處就怕得要命。
   交易員總是渴望成功，痛恨失敗。當我着手創建Minyanville時，這一本性在我的潛意識裡頭根深蒂固。我鼓吹勞逸結合、平衡生活的重要性，以及着眼大局、不鑽牛角尖的必要性，但話里話外都充斥着虛偽。我心裡很清楚，我快要被掏空了。
   祖父曾對我說過，永遠不要因為害怕而跑掉。當我忍受着宿醉痛苦、出發去機場時，對自己重複着這句話。雖然我的夢想還有機會，但未來完全不可捉摸。

Mexicali blues

The final push of 2004 took a considerable toll and I operated on adrenalin, tenacity and faith. The excitement of mapping a tangible plan commingled with the fear of an unspoken reality as we hosted our Minyanville holiday party at Rosa Mexicana in New York.
I was in many ways going through the motions of a confident leader. My body was there and my instincts acute, but I was operating on fumes. The work was excessive, even by my standards. My heart hurt, my muscles ached and my head throbbed. I remember splashing water on my face in the bathroom and whispering, 'This can't be healthy' before feigning a smile and returning as the host.
I was scheduled to go to a spa near Tucson the morning after our party, as I desperately needed to unplug from the unbearable marathon that was my life. It felt as if I was running from something for so long and at such a furious pace, I didn't know another way to operate.
I still wasn't aware I suffered from depression following the events of Sept. 11, but the signs were clear with the benefit of hindsight. After 14 years of forging a professional identity, my success was no longer measured by conventional metrics. Deep down, the thought of spending a week alone scared the hell out of me.
Traders are conditioned to expect success and loathe losses and that process was ingrained in my psyche when I began Minyanville. I preached the importance of balance and the necessity of perspective, yet my words dripped with hypocrisy. My tank was empty and I knew it.
My grandfather taught me to never run scared, and I repeated that to myself as I nursed a wicked hangover on the way to the airport. My dream had a shot at survival, but the future was anything but certain.

八十三、人在旅途

   在追尋成功的道路上，我忽略了重要的一點，旅途的意義在於旅途本身，當你最終到達目的地時，路上的經歷和體驗已經一去不復返。
   我忘了一句跌仆不破的真理，更多的時候是我們定義了現實而不是現實定義了我們。
   我陷入一種思維定式，把各種目標強加到自己身上，而且總是不斷調高預期，讓自己永遠都夠不着，這是典型的完美主義者的臭毛病。以前，我不願讓情緒波動影響自己，覺得這是一種懦弱的表現；但在前往土桑那片荒野的路上，不知道為什麼，我覺得自己的情緒異常脆弱。
   到那兒以後，我馬上開始各種活動。那裡有成群結隊的遊客，但我選擇自己一個人度假。山地自行車、舉重、騎馬─我什麼都去嘗試， 想讓這些把腦子占得滿滿的，延緩那必將來臨的反省時間。
   從早上一睜眼到晚上入睡前的最後一刻，我心裡都在反覆琢磨，自己到底是誰，過得怎麼樣，人生目標是什麼。我的腦子飛速運轉，剛開始剖析一個想法，另一個想法就隨之而來。這些紛繁的思緒每天都縈繞在我腦海里，彼此碰撞不休，爭相奪取我的關注。
   我在房間裡踱來踱去，想理清這團亂麻，最後走到陽台上，眺望遠方的山麓丘陵。
   不知不覺，我走出房間，在野外漫步開來。

Journeys and purposes
  In my search for success, I ignored that the purpose of the journey is the journey itself. I forgot that by the time you arrive at where think you want to be, the experience will have already ended.
I misplaced the truth that we define our reality more than our reality defines us.
I was trapped by self-imposed expectations and continually reset the bar so it was always out of reach, the fatal flaw of any classic over-achiever. I thought that allowing myself to feel was a weakness if it competed for my attention. I wasn't sure why, but I knew I was vulnerable as I made my way to the desert.
Upon arrival, I immediately participated in activities. The grounds were littered with couples and groups, but I kept to myself and did my own thing. Mountain biking, weight lifting, horseback riding -- I did anything and everything to occupy my mind and delay the inevitable introspection.
From the moment I opened my eyes to my last thought each night, I wrestled with who I was, how I lived and what my purpose was. My mind raced a million miles per minute; by the time I started dissecting one thought, a new one arrived. My head spun for days as they viciously collided and competed for attention.
I paced my room trying to make sense of the emotional crosscurrents before walking to the patio that overlooked the foothills in the far distance.
Without realizing it, I hopped the ledge and began to walk.

八十四、暴風驟雨

    每個人生命中都會出現一些靈光乍現、看透一切的瞬間，而我擁有的這種時刻屈指可數。
   一次是我在摩根士丹利獲得晉升後，在小島上慢跑，站到一座懸崖頂上眺望清澈湛藍的海面。還有一次是911恐怖襲擊前一周，我在毛伊島休息，看着地平線上的落日，與父親言歸於好。
   那個普普通通的周二下午也是如此。我思緒重重，都忘了自己什麼時候走出去的，為什麼要走出去。過了大約一小時，我發現自己孤零零地站在荒野之中，心裡還在努力回答那些我無法回答的問題。
   我望着天空，跟祖父的在天之靈說話，想弄清楚我的人生該往哪裡走，淚水

開始在眼眶中湧現。幾分鐘後，我抑制不住地哭了起來。我不記得自己上一次哭是什麼時候，但肯定是以年為單位，而不是月。
   911事件，失去魯比，離開一個盈利豐厚對沖基金的高管職位，僅僅根據理論原則就與成熟媒體展開競爭，一輩子的積蓄消耗殆盡。
   魯比…911…不確定性…懷疑…放棄…金錢…靠不住的友誼…魯比…
   我站在空蕩蕩的曠野上，腦子裡的想法越轉越快。我往四周看去，想知道自己在什麼地方，但好像並不認識。那一刻，我的內心百味雜陳：困惑、憤怒、悲哀、寂寞、酸楚、空虛。
   毫無預兆地，一道閃電彷佛撕裂天空，隆隆的雷聲在我身邊咆哮，大雨傾盆而下，打得地面啪啪作響。我萬念俱灰，自暴自棄，感到自己就該遭到老天爺這樣的懲罰。
   “好極了！”我藐視地對天空大喊，“儘管沖我來吧！”
    我低下頭，看見自己的兩腳牢牢地站在荒野沙土之中，突然意識到自己安然無恙。這時，那個在多年前迷失的人又回來了，我終於找到了911後失散多年的這個朋友。
   我任憑大雨的澆灌，仰起頭，張開雙臂伸向天空。我感覺到，有個微笑在臉上悄然而生。
   當我盡情釋放內心的痛苦和壓力之時，一道陽光穿透烏雲，吻在我的臉頰之上。我敢肯定，這道陽光就是我的祖父，他把手放在我肩膀上，告訴我要樂觀處世，“這個，也會過去的。”直到今天，還沒有其他人讓我如此的確信。
   我一直相信靈性，但這次不同，這是一個預兆。
   就在那天，我發生了重大的轉變。當我走進土桑的荒野時，一切彷佛都已經劃上句號；35歲，我已經認天知命。過去的成就令人滿意，但知足也意味着裹足不前。
   等我回到房間時，覺得渾身輕鬆，彷佛卸掉了整個世界的重擔，把它留在荒野，一切都重新開始。我不再執迷於過去，而為能有機會重塑一次而感到無比的福分。
   我沒什麼錢，未來看不清楚，我的人生規劃充滿風險。
   但我感覺如何？感恩。一種美妙、完整而又釋然的感恩之情。
   此時我才明白，最好的機遇來源於最大的挑戰，大苦難方有大智慧。

Desert storm

There are instances in each of our lives defined by a moment of clarity and I can count them on one hand.
I remember jogging in the islands after my Morgan Stanley promotion, standing atop a cliff overlooking the clear, blue water. There also was relaxing in Maui the week before Sept. 11, watching the sunset on the horizon and making peace with my father.
And there was that day in the desert on a random Tuesday afternoon. I was so engrossed in thought that I don't remember when or why I started walking. An hour or so later, there I was in the middle of nowhere and very alone as I tried to find answers to questions I didn't know.
As I looked to the sky and spoke to my grandfather, trying to sort through the disparate aspects of my existence, tears formed in my eyes. Minutes later, I began to sob uncontrollably. I couldn't remember the last time I cried but it was surely measured in years, not months.
Sept. 11. Losing Ruby. Leaving a high-profile perch atop a lucrative hedge fund. Battles with established media based purely on principle. Chewing through most of my life savings.
Ruby. . .Sept. 11. . .Uncertainty. . . Doubt. . . Abandonment. . .Money. . .Faux friendships. . .Ruby. . .
The thoughts sped quicker and quicker as I stood in the empty desert. I turned around to make sure I knew where I was; I wasn't quite sure I did. I was confused, angry, sad, lonely, bitter and empty all at the same time.
Without warning, the skies opened up and cried alongside me; rain pounded down with intense pressure. I felt sorry for myself, heaped misery upon misery and absorbed as much pain as possible, feeling as if I somehow deserved the wrath of nature.
'Perfect,' I said out loud in an act of defiance, 'Bring it!'
I looked down, around and back at my two feet placed firmly in the desert sand and suddenly realized I was in a safe place. It was then that I connected with the person I lost years earlier and found the friend who was missing since Sept. 11.
I let the rain consume me, raising my arms in the air as my head fell back. I felt a smile creep upon my face.
As I let go of pain and strain of my internal burdens, a ray of sunlight peeked through the clouds and kissed me on the cheek. I was certain it was my grandfather, putting his hand on my shoulder, telling me to think positive, that 'this too shall pass.' To this day, nobody will convince me otherwise.
I've always been spiritual but that was different. It was a sign.
Something very powerful shifted within that day. When I walked into the desert, I operated from a position of finality. At 35, I saw who I was, what I made, where I had been and whom I was with. There was comfort in being able to define my experiences but that safety came with the cost of containment.
By the time I arrived back in my room, there was a tangible sense of release, as if I shed the weight of the world, left it in the desert and arrived at a new beginning. Rather than obsessing about what was, I felt extremely blessed to have an opportunity to shape what could be.
I didn't have much money, my future was uncertain and there were real risks in my master plan.
But what did I feel? Gratitude. Immense, complete, absolving gratitude.
It was then I understood that the greatest opportunities are born from the most profound obstacles, and the greatest wisdom is bred as a function of pain.

八十五、

   I've long offered that the definition of professional nirvana is to do what you love with people you respect while serving the greater good.
 我一直認為，工作的最高境界就是與自己尊敬的人在一起，做自己喜歡做的事，並有益於社會大眾。
    My best friend and college roommate, Kevin Wassong, and I raised money at the beginning of 2005, setting the stage for the next phase of Minyanville growth. Hoofy and Boo staked their claim as the Wall Street bull and bear, our loyal community manifested in size and scope, Kevin was president and The Ruby Peck Foundation -- named for my grandfather -- was on its way to raising a seven-figure donation for children's education.  2005年初，我和最好的朋友、大學舍友凱文•沃森(Kevin Wasson)一起為Minyanville籌集資金，為其下一步發展打好基礎。“呼呼”和“噓噓”這兩個卡通角色作為華爾街牛熊市的象徵深入人心，網上社區的規模和影響力不斷擴大，凱文成為Minyanville的總裁，而魯比派克基金會─以我祖父命名的慈善組織─正在為兒童教育募集七位數的善款。
    Life was good, which isn't to say it was easy. Building a business always takes longer, is much costlier and consumes more energy than originally anticipated, particularly when swimming against the steady stream of the conventional wisdom that financial intelligence must be dry, homogenous and entirely void of humor or humanity.
生活很美好，但並不意味着生活很容易。創業總比原先預想的時間更長，成本更高，占用的精力更多，而且我們還需要與這樣一種傳統觀念做對抗，即財經信息一定是乾燥乏味、千篇一律，以及完全缺乏人性化和幽默感的。
    I won't spend too much time discussing the Minyanville lifecycle. During our first two years, we rebuilt the platform, established a credible voice and solidified strategic partnerships. Once we hit those milestones, we again tapped the market and paved the way for the next stage of evolution, including hiring the human capital necessary to build out the entire wagon wheel.
我不想花太多時間講述Minyanville的發展歷程。在最初兩年裡，我們重建了媒體平台，確立起一個可信的聲音，鞏固了戰略合作關係。完成這些里程碑式的工作後，我們再次接觸市場，為下一階段的發展鋪平道路，包括招聘所需的新員工，以構建整個的車輪式商業模型。
    We remained true to our mission of effecting positive change through financial understanding. In the years preceding the financial crisis, we warned of the cumulative imbalances percolating under the seemingly calm surface. That's not as easy as it sounds with the Dow Jones at all-time highs, but our editorial mandate of truth and trust persevered. That philosophy, coupled with a forward-looking lens that marries news and opinion, continues to this day.
我們依然信守自己的使命，即讓投資者對金融有更深的理解，從而做出積極轉變。2008年全球金融危機爆發前的幾年裡，我們一直在對看似平靜但實際上暗流涌動的很多市場失衡現象提出警告。當時道瓊斯指數創下歷年來的新高，這種觀點很難為大多數人所接受，但我們仍堅持真實與誠信的理念。這一思想與新聞和觀點並重的前瞻性視角結合在一起，至今依然發揮著作用。
    There are now Minyans in 122 countries that drive upwards of 10 million page views each month. Minyanland, our massive multi-player online game that teaches children the basic building blocks of earning, spending, saving and giving, has almost 600,000 registered kids and parents. Hoofy and Boo sprang to life through the magic of animation and won the 2008 Emmy Award for New Approaches to Business and Financial Reporting.
現在，Minyanville的會員遍及122個國家，每個月有1000萬的頁面瀏覽量。我們的大型多人在線遊戲Minyanland向孩子們傳授收入、支出、儲蓄和給予等金融基礎知識，有近60萬兒童和父母成為註冊用戶。“呼呼”和“噓噓”通過動畫效果的魔力獲得了生命，贏得2008年度的“商業及財經信息創新方法”艾美獎(Emmy Award for New Approaches to Business and Financial Reporting)。
   
I don't make the type of money I did on Wall Street, but the psychic income has never been higher. As the ramifications of our societal largesse and the implications of public policy manifest, we continue to help millions of Minyans shape their perceptions, priorities and principles of financial awareness, from the ABC's to the 401(k)'s.  我不再像以前在華爾街時那樣賺大錢，但精神上的收穫卻從未如此豐富過。通過Minyanville日益擴大的社會 角和對公共政策的影響力，我們不斷幫助數以百萬計的會員構建自己的投資觀點、投資重心和投資理念，從最基本的金融知識，到401K的退休帳戶投資等。
    While giving a speech last year, someone asked which professional accomplishment I was most proud of. I wasn't prepared for the question but the answer left my lips before I realized it. 2008年，
在我的一次演講後，有人問我最自豪的工作成就是什麼。我沒準備過回答這類問題，但答案不由自主地就從嘴裡說了出來。
    'My failures, for they tested my resolve and capacity,' I said. 'While I once measured myself by a bank account and business card, I discovered real success is staying true to who you are in the face of adversity.'
 “以往經歷過的種種失敗就是我最自豪的成就，因為失敗能考驗決心和能力。”我說，“雖然我以前衡量成功的標準是銀行存款和名片頭銜，但後來發現，真正的成功是在逆境中堅持自己信奉的東西。”
    I'm a different man than when I chased the cash register, which isn't to say I don't enjoy money. I've simply found that what you do pales in comparison to how you do it regardless of what it is you choose to do.  我不再是那個渴望站到收款台內側的那個人，這種變化並非意味着我不喜歡錢，我只是發現一個道理：無論從事什麼工作，怎麼做永遠要比做什麼更重要。
    The false idolatry of money is a sexy siren indeed; the grass may be greener and the wine might taste sweeter. Be careful what you wish for, though. It took a round trip for me to see it, but I'm a better man for it. 
金錢確實容易讓人盲目崇拜，別人家的草坪也許更綠，別人家的紅酒可能更香，但追求自己願望的時候要保持頭腦冷靜和心態平和。我轉了整整一大圈才明白這個道理，而現在，我已經跳出了圈外。

八十六、A list to live by  為何而活
   
If I were to sum up some of the things I've learned through the years, the list might look a bit like this:    如果讓我總結一下這麼多年來的經驗教訓，那可能有點類似於下面這個清單：
   
 All you have is your name and your word.
 你唯一擁有的是自己的名字和給出的承諾。
 Honesty, trust and respect are the foundational constructs of any successful  endeavor.  誠實、信任和尊重是任何成功嘗試的基石所在。
 Time is the most precious commodity. 時間是最寶貴的商品。
 The purpose of the journey is the journey itself.
 人生旅途的意義在於旅途本身。
 What goes around comes around. 善有善報，惡有惡報。
 The greatest wisdom is bred as a function of pain. 大苦難方有大智慧。
 Bad times define good friends just as bad seasons define good fans.
 困境能檢驗出真正的好朋友，就像壞天氣能檢驗出真正的好空調。
 Be good to others and better to yourself. 對別人要好，對自己要更好。
 A random act of kindness is a positive pebble that ripples through the proverbial   pond of life. 善意的行為能激起人生池塘的美妙漣漪蕩漾。
  Work to live; don't live to work. 工作是為了生活，生活不是為了工作。
  Time is the arbiter of fate. 時間是命運的最終裁決者。
  Free will is God's greatest gift. 自由意志是上帝賦予的最好禮物。
  Experience is a close second. 回頭看看，經驗就在你的身後。
  Opportunities are made up easier than losses.
     抓住新機會要比彌補舊損失更容易。
  Profitability begins within. 利潤始於你的內心。
  One hand washes the other. 洗手需要兩隻手。
  Just because one yells doesn't make the message more important.
   有理不在聲高。
  Where you stand is a function of where you sit. 位子決定立場。
   Life is the cumulative sum of your decisions. 人生就是你一系列決定的總合。
   The only difference between genius and madness is acceptance.
      天才與瘋子之間的區別，只在於你的主觀立場。
  The only difference between intervention and manipulation is communication.      介入和操縱之間的區別，只在於你是否選擇溝通。
   The only difference between a lesson and a mistake is the ability to learn from     it. 教訓和錯誤的區別，只在於你能否從中學到東西。
   Negative energy is wasted energy. 負面情緒是一種垃圾情緒。
   Adapt, don't conform. 適應，但不順從。
   Take the high road; it's less crowded and has a better view.
       在大路上走，那裡不太擠，而且看得更遠。
   Stay out of debt. 不要欠人錢。
   Be thankful for what you have rather than pine for what you don't.
      為已經擁有的滿懷感激，不要為得不到的東西哀怨。
  Seek balance. 尋求平衡。
  The definition of an investment should never be a trade gone awry.
      投資不能以一次交易論成敗。
  To appreciate where we are, we must understand how we got here.
      要想搞清楚我們在哪兒，必須先搞清楚我們是怎麼到這兒來的。
  Drugs that mask symptoms aren't the same as medicine that cures the        disease. 緩解症狀的藥物並非治癒疾病的藥物。
  The opposite of love isn't hate; it's apathy.
        愛的對立面不是恨，而是無動於衷。
  The friction between opinions is where true education resides.
        觀點摩擦可以產生真正的知性火花。
   A dream is only as powerful as those who believe in it.
       夢想的力量與對夢想的信念成正比。
   Money comes and goes. 金錢來了還會走。
   The reaction to news is more important than the news itself.
       對新聞的反應比新聞本身更重要。
   Trading gods have a vicious sense of humor.
       掌管交易的眾神有一種令人哭笑不得的幽默感。
   Tomorrow is promised to nobody. 誰也不能保證明天會怎樣。
   If you do the right thing long enough, someone will eventually take notice.
       只要有足夠長的時間做對事情，總會有人關注到你。
   Good traders know how to make money; great traders know how to take a            loss. 好的交易員知道怎麼賺錢，偉大的交易員知道如何承受損失。
  Seeing old friends is good for the soul. 和老朋友見面有益身心。
  Some of the wealthiest people I know don't have two dimes to rub together.
      我認識的一些最富有的人，其實身無分文。
 By the time you get to where you want to be, the journey will have already ended.       一旦到達目的地，旅途本身就已經結束。
  Emotion is the enemy when trading. 情緒是交易的敵人。
  When in doubt, sit it out. 拿不準的時候，多看少動。
  The only difference between being early and being wrong is if you're there to      collect your chips.
     提早布局和錯誤布局的唯一區別就在於，你能否收回自己的賭注。
   Build a growth company by surrounding yourself with people who can    themselves grow. 想創建能發展的公司，就要團結那些能成長的人。
   Tenacity, resolve and perseverance are the hallmarks of success.
       決心、毅力和堅持是獲得成功者的特質。
   Hope isn't a viable investment vehicle. 希望並非一種有效的投資工具。
   Stay humble or the market will do it for you.
        戒驕戒躁，否則市場會幫你戒驕戒躁。
   Be careful with people who don't love pets. 和不喜歡寵物的人交往要當心。
   The ability not to trade is as important as trading ability.
        不交易的能力和交易能力同樣重要。
  The Crash didn't cause the Great Depression; the Great Depression caused       the Crash.    不是1929年的股市大崩盤導致經濟大蕭條，而是經濟大蕭條導致  股市大崩盤。
   Social mood and risk appetites shape financial markets.
      社會情緒和風險偏好塑造着金融市場。
   The leaders coming out of a crisis are never the same as those that enter it.
     走出危機的領導者與走入危機的領導者永遠是兩類人。
   The ability to add capacity into a downturn defines the winners on the other          side. 只有在市場低迷時有加倉的眼光，才能在市場反轉後成為贏家。
   Discipline trumps conviction. 投資紀律勝過投資信念。
   There is a difference between having fun and being happy.
     好玩和快樂是兩碼事。
   Gratitude is latitude. 寬容即是一種感恩。
   There's no shame in admitting it's hard; there's only shame in pretending it's     not. 承認困難並不可恥，可恥的是假裝它不是困難。
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
       如果不去解決問題，那你自己就有問題。
    Society is a sum of the parts. 社會是由各個零部件組成的。
    View obstacles as opportunities. 把障礙視為機遇。
    The air of integrity gets thinner with age. 正直的氣息隨時間消散。
    The meaning of life is a life of meaning. 生活的意義在於過有意義的生活。
    Think positive! 樂觀處事！
    One step in front of the other.  比別人多走一步。
 

八十七、有趣時光

   現在是全球金融史上最有趣的一段時光，並將影響未來幾代人的前進方向。有兩種方式來應對這些充滿挑戰的日子，一是把頭埋在沙堆里，希望一切都平安無事；一是積極做好準備，以自己的行動來確保美好的未來。
   金融知識是社會進化的一個基石，這些知識無法在政客演講或股票推薦中找到，而是一個終生的學習過程，需要時間、耐心和謙遜，並要與自己信任的人精誠合作，取長補短。
   這就是Minyanville網上社區的招牌特色。我們並不宣稱自己無所不知，但為自己能提出開拓思路的問題而感到自豪。我們不給投資建議，因為每個素未謀面的投資者其風險特徵和投資周期都各不相同，這樣做反而容易造成誤導；但我們可以告訴讀者自己正在做什麼，為什麼要這麼做，以及實際操作情況是什麼樣子的。
   針對股票市場，我最清晰的一個想法是，我們正在經歷一個長期熊市中的周期性牛市階段。金融危機並未消失，只是改頭換面，從金融問題轉為經濟問題，進而成為社會問題。這種轉變將以多種形式表現出來，是一個多元線性的動態過程。也就是說，劇本隨時都可能改變，層出不窮的事情將接踵而來。
   保護本金、減少債務和注重財經資訊將是任何投資策略的成功保證，至少在各種失衡現象有所緩和之前應該如此。這樣做並不會限制你獲得更好的收益，但應該是當前我們摸着石頭過河時最需要牢記的原則。
   在未來的數周和數年裡，我們將細細琢磨自己的市場觀點。同時，我衷心希望通過份享我走過的彎路，無論是人生教訓還是投資失誤，能給大家帶來前車之鑑，從而避免犯下同樣的錯誤。
   什麼時候開始都不算晚，擁有夢想完全可以，遇到挫折也在情理之中。只要記住一點：享受你的旅途，因為一旦到達目的地，旅途本身就已經結束。
   願平安與你們同在。

Interesting juncture 
We live in one of the most interesting junctures in world history, a period that will shape the pathway for generations to come. There are two ways to approach these challenging times. We can hide our heads in the sand and hope for the best or proactively prepare and do our part to affect a positive outcome.
Financial literacy is a cornerstone of our societal evolution. That won't be found in a sound bite or a lightening round, it's a lifelong process that requires time, patience, humility and an ability to surround yourself with people you trust who have skill-sets that complement your own.
That is the calling card of the Minyanville community. We don't claim to have all the answers but we pride ourselves on asking questions that provoke thought. And while we won't give advice -- that would be misguided given the unknown risk profiles and time horizons of an unknown audience -- we'll share what we're doing, why we're doing it and how it's being done in real-time. See link.
My most lucid thought with regards to the market is that we're witnessing a cyclical bull nestled within a secular bear. The financial crisis hasn't disappeared; it's simply changed shape as it migrates from the financial to economic to social sphere. That can manifest in many ways and it's a multi-linear dynamic, meaning the script can change at any time and the ramifications will arrive in waves.
Capital preservation, debt reduction and financial intelligence are the hallmarks of any successful strategy; at least until such time that the cumulative imbalances are alleviated from the system. That doesn't preclude further upside but it's most certainly something to keep in mind as we together find our way.
We'll chew through our market view in the weeks and years to come. In the meantime, it's my sincere hope that by sharing some of my missteps, be them life lessons or market mistakes, others will have the foresight to avoid them altogether.
It's never too late to start, entirely alright to dream and perfectly normal to stumble. Just remember to enjoy the journey; for by the time you arrive at where you want to be, the trip will have already ended.
   
May peace be with you. 

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