青柳诊所手记58

冬天来了，我们的花园却并没有变得冷冷清清，因为阿里医生在园子里放了足够的鸟食，每天吸引了不少鸟儿们过来享受大餐。

那天我们已经下班了，一个朋友叫我们过去看看她的已经处于临终关怀的先生G。外面的天气又湿又冷，而他们静悄悄的家里更让人觉得寒气逼人。

这是我们第一次见到G。他的脸色苍白而无神。

我摸摸他的脉搏，指尖触摸到的是一片冰凉。真是人在末途，其气也衰啊。

我轻轻按摩他的肚子时，听到他微叹一声：“医生说我没有多少时间了。我才48岁，我多么希望能够活到50岁啊！”

我柔声安慰他：“医生有时不太乐观，是因为不想让患者有太高的期望值。但有时候奇迹的确发生。”

他的太太在一旁插嘴，“最近五年来，其实他早就感觉到身体有些不大对劲了，所以每年我都催着他去体检。”

他肿大的喉咙嘟哝了一声：“医生都说我的指标不错，没什么大问题啊。”

他的太太苦笑一声：“他只相信数字。多少年前我就叫他吃了晚饭之后出去走走不要立即就直奔电脑。他不信，照样做到三更半夜。后来他看了一篇权威医学报道说每天走一万步对身体大有好处，结果他才开始试着动一动。可这已经太晚了……”

她的声音带着明显的哭音了，大师兄带着她去外面房间教她如何给丈夫做艾灸。空洞冰冷的房间里就剩下我和他。

我握住他的手，轻声说：“每个人都有犯傻的时候，我也一样。”

“可惜现在太晚了，我连动动手指头都觉得困难极了。我告诉我太太，没有必要再请你们上门了，因为我自己也知道，现在谁都救不了我了。”

我用试探的口吻说：“要不咱们借一点力？”
他软弱的脸色闪过一丝惊疑。

我就给他讲了一个小故事。

“一个小男孩很想搬动院子里的一块大石头，他的父亲在一旁给他加油：‘孩子啊，只要你全力以赴，我相信你一定能够把它搬起来！’  可是，石头实在太重了，孩子试了又试，最终还是没能把它搬起来。他哭丧着脸：‘爸爸呀，这块石头这么重，我使出了所有的力气也没有办法搬起它！’  父亲笑着说：‘我的儿，可是，你并没有用尽全力啊。’ 小男孩疑惑地看着父亲，只见他微笑着说：‘我就站在你的身旁，你怎么就没有想到要请求我的帮助呢？’”

G听完这个故事轻叹了一声：“赵医生，你不会是叫我在这个时候皈依哪个宗教吧？”

“不是，我只是想说，或许你可以借借天和地的力量。”

“天和地的力量？怎么借？”

“通过气功啊，例如意念或者想象。你的病主要是因为内分泌和新陈代谢出了严重故障。通过做点气功、观想、祈祷什么的，也许有用，反正不会有坏处，对不对？”

他摇摇头，“我是个知识分子，我喜欢逻辑思维，我也只相信科学。凡是科学实验已经验证了的东西，我会欣然去尝试。就连针灸，你们说它历史悠久，可它还没有完全得到科学的认可。你说的意念是什么？气功是什么？观想是什么？祈祷是什么？这些我都听说过，但很遗憾我对它们持有怀疑态度，我也没有时间去考究它们的有效性了。”

他把我想教他做的一切都否定了，我一时语塞。我们教了他太太一点艾灸的操作方法，就告辞出来了。快到圣诞节了，到处是一派喜气洋洋的节日气氛。不少人的门前屋后的树上都挂起了五颜六色的小灯泡。柔和的灯光和装饰一新的圣诞树、圣诞老人、雪人和驯鹿，都被裹在雨雾里，在黑夜里一闪一忽，仿佛在说：纵然寒风凛冽，万物依然蕴含生机。

后来我对大师兄说：“生活中许多的愉悦，例如节日气氛，不仅仅是科学二字就能够表达清楚的。爱也无法用科学来衡量。如果我们仅仅依赖科学验证来生活，是不是会错过很多美好的东西呢？”

大师兄说：“如果我是G的太太，我会在家里生一个暖洋洋的大火炉，让金色的火焰在里面哔哔啵啵跳跃着。我会让香喷喷的饭菜从厨房里不断飘出来，让动人的音乐在房间里萦绕不绝。如果有孩子的话，我会把他们都叫过来，让他们笑笑叫叫打打闹闹，让满屋子一片热气腾腾。这样或许他会舒服很多。”

“我也是这样想的，” 我说，”我还会在他的卧室里挂上他喜欢的照片，摆上他钟爱的植物。然后在正对着他的墙上，挂上一幅日出的图画，这样他可以天天对着它观想，激发一下他的阳气和生命力。”

大师兄说：“常人眼中看到的生命就是我们的这个肉体，他们不知道，其实生命要广阔得多，它贯彻于天地万物之中。包括我们所熟悉的思想、感情、声音、颜色、光线、气味等等，这些都充满了生命的能量。如果忽略了这一些，人就只剩下一个空壳子了。”

“所以我叫G要学会借力啊，” 我接着他的话说，“但我估计他不会去做，因为借力并不是一个科学性的词语。其实，我们的前前后后左左右右都有着一条条的生命之河流向我们。当我们意识到这些能量的存在时，它就成为我们的了。当我们没有意识到它，它就跟我们无关。所谓静坐就是训练我们人的身体主动去跟宇宙的这些能量融合啊。”

我的病人C最近检查得了重病。那天她来看我的时候，满脸都是沮丧。针灸完后好久她都不想离开，盯着院子里的一只蜂鸟默默瞧着。鸟儿正伸出细长的嘴去吸吮那罐子里的糖水，蝉翼一般的羽毛在风中颤动着，桃红色的脖子跟雨珠一样闪亮。

“天气这么冷这么湿，这些蜂鸟们似乎并没有都迁徙南方啊。”我说。

“唔，” C目不转睛地看着它。“奇怪，这么小小的鸟儿，怎么就这么有生命力呢？”她自言自语般地说，“每次看到它们，我既欣喜又困惑。”

“那是因为它们善于借力啊，”我笑着答，“借天和地的力。”

我微笑，因为我想起我曾经写过的一首小诗：

报答

我沉默，我羞涩

我是一只蜂鸟

尽情地吸着花之蜜

然后又拍翅离去

谁也找不到我的踪影

陌生的人啊

你嘲笑我只知索取不知给与

你可曾知道

在万物都没有起床之际

我会站在黑暗的树梢

将我所有的爱

轻轻地，轻轻地

唱给我的恩人——

天和地

      Whispering of Willows 58

By Dr. Anna Zhao

Winter has arrived, but our garden hasn’t become desolate. Dr. Ali had put out plenty of organic birdseed, attracting many birds to enjoy a daily feast.

One day, we had already finished our work when a friend invited us to visit her husband, G, who was home from palliative care. The weather outside was damp and cold, and upon entering their solidary home, we felt even more chilled.

This is the first time we met G, who appeared pale and lifeless. When feeling his pulse, my fingertips felt like they were touching ice. Truly, before a lamp extinguishes, the flicker is lit by very little oil. As I gently massaged his abdomen, I heard him sigh softly, "The doctors said my days are numbered. Only 48 years old I am, how I wish I could live to be 50!"

I tried to comfort him, “Doctors are often pessimistic in order to not give any false hope; miracles do happen sometimes.”

His wife chimed in, “Over the past five years, he had already felt under the weather, so every year I kept urging him to get a checkup.”

He grunted in his swollen throat, “The doctors often said my health indicators were good, no big concerns.”

She gave a wry smile, “He only believes numbers. For years I’ve told him to go for a walk after dinner instead of immediately planting himself in front of his computer, but he didn’t believe me and still worked until the wee hours. It was only after reading an article by a prestigious medical doctor who taught that 10,000 steps a day is essential for maintaining health, he started to walk a bit. But it was too late…”

Her voice became more like a sob, and Dr. Daniel took her to another room to teach her how to perform moxibustion on her husband. G and I were left in the large room that seemed so empty and cold.

I held his hand and whispered, “We all can make mistakes at times, me too.”

“Unfortunately, it’s too late for me now. I can barely move a finger. I told my wife there’s no need to bother you guys to come to see me, because I know very well that I am beyond help.”

I hesitated and asked, “How about we see who can lend us a hand?”

A hint of amazement flashed across his weak face.

So I told him a short story.

“A little boy wanted to move a large rock in his yard. His father encouraged him, ‘Come on, son, if you pool all of your resources, I believe you can do it!’ But the rock was too heavy. The boy tried again and again, but still to no avail. He cried, ‘Oh, dad, this rock is too heavy! I used all my strength but it didn’t budge at all!’ The father smiled and said, ‘But my dear boy, you didn't really try your best though.’ The little boy looked up at his father in confusion, only to see him smiling and saying, ‘I'm standing right next to you. Why didn't you think to ask for my help?’"

Attentively G listened to the story, and then sighed softly: "Dr. Zhao, you're not suggesting I convert to a particular religion at this time, are you?"

"No, I just wanted to say that perhaps you could borrow the power of the sky and earth."

“The power of the sky and earth?” he echoed my words, “but how?”

“Through Qigong - visualization and imagination. Your illness is mainly due to a serious malfunction in your endocrine and metabolic systems. By doing some Qigong, visualization, or prayer, it might be beneficial for you. It can't hurt, can it?”

He shook his head. “I'm a well-educated person and have an analytical mind. I only believe in science. I'll gladly try anything that has been scientifically verified. Although it is ancient, even acupuncture is not fully endorsed by all of science. Qigong, visualization, imagination, praying? I've heard of all of above, but unfortunately, I have doubts, as well as very little time left to investigate their effectiveness.”

At a loss about what to say or do next, as he dismissed most of what could give him some relief, I stood beside his bed. We taught his wife some moxibustion techniques, then said goodbye and left.

Christmas was around the corner, and everywhere was brimming a joyous festive atmosphere. Many colorful lights were hanging from the trees in front of and behind their homes. The soft light, along with the newly decorated Christmas trees, Santa Claus, snowmen, and reindeer, were all shrouded in the rain and mist, signalling the possibilities inherent even in the dead of winter, lights dancing in the darkness.

I later said to Dr. Daniel, “So much of what is great in life, like holiday spirit, is unscientific. Neither can love be measured scientifically. If we relied solely on scientific verification, what beautiful things might we miss?”

He replied, "If I were G's wife, I would light a big, warm fireplace at home, with golden flames crackling and leaping. I would let the aroma of delicious food waft out of the kitchen, and let him partake of whatever interested him, surrounded by beautiful music ringing throughout the house. If they had children, I would bring them home, letting them laugh, giggle, and play, rocking the house with coziness and merry energy. That would do him some good for sure."

“That’s what I think too,” I agreed. “I would also hang his treasured photos in his room and put his favorite plants around his bed.  Then, on the wall directly facing him, I would hang a picture of the sunrise so that he can contemplate it every day. Thus, stimulating his yang energy and vitality.”

Dr. Daniel continued, "In the eyes of many people, life is just the physical body they see. They don't realize that life is actually much broader. It permeates all things between the sky and earth. This includes all those things familiar to us: thoughts, feelings, sounds, colors, light, smells, and so on. All of those things are all immersed in life energy. If we ignore them, there is no doubt why we can be left with nothing but an empty shell."

“That’s why I told G to learn to leverage external forces,” I went on, “but I doubt he’ll actually do it, because leveraging external forces isn’t scientific enough. In fact, there are countless streams of life flowing towards us from all sides. When we become aware of these energies, they become ours. When we’re not aware of them, they’re not accessed by us. Meditation is about training our bodies to actively merge with these energies of the universe.”

My patient C was recently diagnosed with a serious illness. When she came to see me one day, she looked utterly dejected. After her treatment was long finished, she didn't want to leave, but silently watched a hummingbird flying in the yard. The bird was stretching out its slender beak to suck up the sugar water from the feeder, its gossamer-like feathers quivering in the wind, its pink neck shimmering like raindrops.

"It's so cold and wet out there, but these hummingbirds don't seem to have all migrated somewhere warmer," I said.

“Hmm,” C stared intently at it, “I wonder how such a tiny little bird can have so much vitality in itself?” She murmured, as if to herself, “Every time I see them, I feel both delighted and bewildered.”

“That’s because they’re good at acquiring energy from many sources,” I giggled, “such as from the sky and the earth.”

I smiled, because I remembered a poem I had once written:

Repay

Hummingbird I am,

quiet and timid

drinking nectar from flowers with ease

then flapping wings, I take off

so no one can find any trace.

Oh Stranger, you laugh at my greediness

for I seem to take and not give.

But do you see

before the dawn

I perch on a small dark twig

and softly, affectionately

sing all my love

to my benefactors—Heaven and Earth?