My angel, my all, my other self -

Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) ...

can our love endure except through sacrifices...

这几句选自著名的贝多芬'Immortal beloved'情书。贝多芬终生未娶，这封情书是在他死后人们发现的，也是人们所知的他唯一写过的情书。受信人没有名字，他称她为Immortal beloved。也没有写信的地点，收信人的地址只是一个K字母。写信日期很具体：七月六号，星期一，但没有年限。

贝多芬于1770年的十二月出生于德国的Bonn。象许多普通人一样，我只知道他是个著名的音乐家，命运交响曲我从没有认真地听过全部。大学时代最喜欢的钢琴曲就是他的'致Alice'。却从没有听说过这么著名的Immortal Beloved情书悬案。甚至当年在Bonn参观他的出生地纪念馆，除了看到他使用过的一些乐器和助听器，乱七八糟的音乐手稿，他刚去世时的面部塑模，也没瞅出什么名堂(音乐家于1827年的3月26日去世)。

直到前两天看了录像片1995年的电影Immortal Beloved，才恍然大悟似地：原来音乐家有这么一个故事，原来他的动力是他这个秘密爱人。

带着好奇，到万维网上去找寻更多的信息，终于意识到自己是那么的肤浅。不必谈音乐家是怎样地经历了他悲壮而辉煌的一生，留给世人怎样贵重的音乐；不必谈音乐家是怎样地给世人树立了一个向命运挑战的活生生的榜样；我想，用女作家Gail S. Altman的1996新书书名Beethoven: A Man of His Word，来表明我此刻的体会，是最合适不过了。

不管那个幸运的大音乐家的情人是谁，贝多芬永远是贝多芬。他有爱有恨，有敌人也有他的音乐天才。没有人能改变他，即使是他的永远的爱人。他是他自己。他掌握他自己的命运。至于她到底是谁，170年来，学者专家都在探索这个迷，看起来是永远解不开了。而Hollywood电影只是其中一种诓释。

而我的肤浅在于，就相信了导演的演义，就以为：贝多芬的侄子Karl是他自己的儿子，Karl的母亲就是那个情人。或许我该去认真地看一本大音乐家的传记，象有人介绍的Maynard Solomons的 "Beethoven"，而好莱坞的另一部电影1985的"Beethoven's Nephew" 也该去看看。

Yes, Beethoven forever Beethoven. 走开吧，我的无知，我的肤浅，我的。。。

PS. "Immortal Beloved" from Columbia Pictures

My Angel, my all, my other self...
just a few words today and that in pencil, yours.
Only tomorrow will I know for certain where I am to stay,
a worthless waste of time and such...

Why these deep sorrow...
if we could be united, we would feel this pain no longer.
Where I am, you are with me also,
Soon we shall live together and what a life it would be.

The journey was dreadful.
I did not arrive here until four in the mourning.
At the last stop, they warned me against traveling at night
and tried to frighten me about a forest,
But that only tempted me.

The coach had to go and break down on such a terrible road
and for no reason, just a country road,
and now I am held up completely.
But I have found another and we will surely see one another soon,
Today I hope...
I have to see you...
How ever much you love me, I love you more...
Never hide yourself from me.

While still in my bed, my thoughts turn to you,
my Immortal Beloved.
Some of them happy, some sad.
Waiting to see whether fate will here us.
I can live only completely with you or not at all,
Yes, it must be.

I must go to sleep now,
Be calm, love
today, yesterday, what longing with tears for you
you, your my life, my everything.
Farewell, then,
go on loving me
ever yours
ever mine
forever.

L.

(1998.12 恋恋风尘)