Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as Who?, which is actually my mother's maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.
But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight. [refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]
I grew up in China. Who didn't? [I grew in America, who didn't? poking fun at ignorant rednecks] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school,as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that was when I learned light travels fast than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven one day he said to me, "Hey, son,why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So five minutes later I said "why?" He said because I said so!
I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.
And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off. One of them said "If you don't speak English, go home". And I didn't know this for two years.
And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because many times I have to say to him in public, "hey, listen, if you don't speak English, go home." And he would say to me, "hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?" I said， "son, once you become the president of the United State, you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask us questions like "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" [Franklin is on $100 bill] "What is the second amendment?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] " What is Roe versus Wade?" I was like "Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?" [Roe v. Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the audience knows. Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. [Obviously he is not white and should not feel guilty.]
And in America they say that all men are created equal.But after birth it kind of depends on parents income for early education and health care. I read in the Men's Health magazine that President Obama,every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see I don't have to excise, because I have health insurance. [poking fun at US health care system] I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. Then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It's called Kill Bill. [Scott Brown vowed to kill health care bill. Apparently, there was not many Quentin fans in the audience. It was a great joke.]
I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.
So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I showed the white house my jokes about the President Obama, that was when he decided not to come. And he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Steven Colbert. [a liberal comedian always faking a conservative]
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well actually, I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.
We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)" My point exactly.
And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn't fall asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. [C-span channels broadcast boring congressional debates, etc.] Thank you very much.
So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins. Great joke]
After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden. Thank you very much. You had me at "Yes we can". That was their campaign slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think maybe I should run for president myself. Well I have take a step back and explain a bit. You know,I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You've probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell. [best joke of the night]. But now we have a president who is half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive. You maybe say even "hey, what will be your campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decades. Oh, you too? OK. So I understand that American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be "Who cares!" [best political joke of the night,reveal the truth behind political campaigns and also an indictment of Bush]
If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required. That will get me the union vote. You see I am married now. I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like "wow, 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever."
And I will eliminated unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force. So two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins.
And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one, but it won't be covered by health insurance though, because of pre-existing conditions.
And I have quick solution to global warming. If elected, I will switch form Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees before. Now it's forty. You are very welcome.
And I am great at foreign policy. Because I am from China. I can see Russia from my backyard. [poking fun at the ignorance of Sarah Palin].
I believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi, and text our enemies whenever they are driving. O M G, you are making a nuclear weapon? But you are doing it wrong. LOL
