青柳診所手記（44）

還不到八月份，園子裡種的很多西紅柿都成熟了。今年的梨和蘋果都是碩果纍纍，但李子樹幾乎沒有結果。阿里醫生真是個眼尖的人啊，有一天他居然在層層疊疊的葉子下面找到了三顆李子，金黃色的！他如獲至寶地捧到我們面前，一人一顆。我們就像舉杯一樣，將各自的李子互相碰了碰，然後洗也沒洗，就吃下去了。此情此景讓我覺得很感動，感覺不是三個醫生在一起舉杯，而是三個園丁在一起慶祝大豐收。

這個月的確是個豐足的月份。C給我們帶來了一大箱新鮮的黑莓，昨天一個小女孩給我們帶來了兩盒新摘的藍莓。 10天前我們在診所開了一個中醫聚會，邀請了差不多20個醫生或健康領域的同道們聚集一堂，他們每個人都教給了我們那麼多知識和智慧。J甚至還給我們帶來了當歸苗和決明子苗…..

夏天大多數人都去度假去了，診所也相對清靜一些。我也發現現在來找我的病人比較有特色了，而那些比較“正常”的都去找大師兄了。他給人治療時幾乎就不說什麼話。他常常說他的手就是他的嘴。只要是他的手在人家的身上推拿，對方常常能感受到他的信息，他的能量。高人啊！

而喜歡來找我的人，明顯是有些不一樣的。不一樣表現在哪裡呢？比如，這個西人患者，他自己沒有來看病，卻讓他的太太來，而且交代她給我帶上一首詩，算是對我上次寫的短詩“青柳悟”的一個回贈：（左邊陰，右邊陽/中間是一座橋/含笑坐在橋上的是光/一言不語）“陰和陽，也許並不總是平衡/就如一個鐘擺/循環不息”。這讓我想起了古時候文人贈詩互答的情景，很有趣啊。

另外一個沉靜寡言的年輕人，幾乎什麼問題都沒有，他來找我，我問他他的主訴是什麼，他首先說的就是：“我想跟你談談你寫的那首詩……” 我給他針灸和拔罐時，他幾乎沒有什麼反應，但只要跟他一聊到人生、哲學、莊子、老子，他的眼睛就炯炯發亮起來。

我也沒想到我上次寫的那首短詩，竟然引起了那麼多的評論。很多人說它太陰暗了，也有些人說它深刻，少數人說它好玩……  更有一個患者驚慌地問我：安娜醫生一切都好嗎？我有些擔心….

擔心什麼呢？就因為我的詩歌里提到了一個“死”字？可見，這個死的概念，不僅僅是東方人忌諱，連西方人也儘量迴避啊。然而，人生無常，如果不把這個死字看穿，你又如何能夠活得瀟灑？

這天晚上被叫去醫院給一個晚期癌症病人治療。她已經在安寧療護了。我和大師兄在診所忙了一天，已經很累了，但還是決定去看看有什麼我們能夠幫她做的。

到醫院時已經晚上八點半左右了，安寧療護病房周圍一片靜悄悄。我們以前並不認得這個病人。走進房間前，我想象的是一個瘦成皮包骨、病懨懨躺在床上，連眼睛都睜不開的虛弱無力的患者，卻不料那個笑吟吟站在門口迎接我們的中年婦女竟然就是她。她看上去精神很好幾乎沒有什麼病態啊。

我給她針灸，大師兄給她推拿。他們說重症病人病氣最重的地方就是腳，但大師兄一上去就開始按摩她的腳，連手套也不戴。我們一邊工作，對方一邊開着玩笑：“我是個好人啊，也很守紀律，我健康飲食，我經常鍛煉，家庭也很美滿，我樣樣都好，為什麼還會得這該死的癌症呢？醫生說得我這種癌症的機率是微乎其微，但偏偏就被我攤上了？而且是最有侵略性的那種？命運真是不公平啊。”她笑着搖頭。“是啊，這個世界上不公平的事情太多了，”我也笑着答。

我給她做氣功觀想時，她隔壁床的西人也在微笑着探頭探腦，我就邀請她跟我們一起做觀想。

臨別前，我們給隔壁床的西人也稍微治療了一下。她握着我的手捨不得放開，問：“我很快就要去臨終關懷了，你們還能來看我嗎？”

大師兄和我都點頭。我加上一句：“我還會帶上一隻桶子用中藥水來給你泡腳。”

我不知道我們到底幫到她們多少，但走的時候，每個人的臉上都帶着真摯平和的笑容，我也可以清楚地看到她們眼中的不舍。

平常我都是九點就睡覺的，這天晚上，我到深夜才上床。閉上眼睛，我的腦子裡想的不是死這個字，而是泰戈爾的詩歌：生如夏花之絢爛，死如秋葉之靜美。世界以痛吻我，要我報之以歌…..

Whispering of Willows 44

It's not even August, yet many tomatoes in our garden are already ripening. Pears and apples are in great abundance this year, but the plum trees have hardly borne any fruit. Dr. Ali is such a sharp-eyed man that one day he discovered three golden plums under layers of leaves! He held them in front of us, triumphantly, as if they were treasures, one for each of us. We clinked our plums together like for a toast, and then ate them without washing them. This scene touched me deeply, as if it wasn't three doctors toasting together, but three gardeners celebrating their great harvest.

This month is indeed a month of abundance. C brought us a large box of fresh blackberries, and yesterday a little girl brought us two boxes of freshly picked blueberries. Ten days ago, we held a seminar in our clinic, inviting nearly twenty doctors and health practitioners. Each of them provided so much knowledge and wisdom. J even brought us some rare herbal seedlings ...

In the summer, most people go on vacation, so our clinic is relatively quiet. Having time for reflection, I have begun to notice differences between Dr. Daniel’s clients and mine. Many of the patients who come to see me are more or less a beautiful form of eccentric, and those who are relatively "normal" prefer to see Dr. Daniel. Dr. Daniel seldom talks when doing treatments; he told me that his hands are more like his mouth. As long as his hands are massaging people, the other party can often hear his message and feel his energy. What a master!

The people who like to come to see me lately have been beautifully different. In what way? For example, this patient did not come to see me on this day; his lovely wife came. As soon as she sat down, she told me her husband had asked her to bring a haiku he wrote:

The Yin and Yang

May not always be balanced

But rather a pendulum

Just swinging back and forth 

This reminds me of the ancient Chinese literati who regularly gave poems to one another as gifts, which is very interesting.

I wrote a related poem previously:

Thoughts from Whispering Willows

on the left, Yin; on the right, Yang

a bridge in between

upon which sits Light

rays gleaming, quietly

this side, Life; that side, Death

a wall in between

upon which rests the soul

fingers calculating time, mischievously

Another eccentric young man, who had few physical problems came to see me. When I asked him what was his primary concern, he said: “I am thinking about the poem you wrote…”

When I gave him acupuncture and cupping, he rarely reacted, but as long as I talked about life, philosophy, Zhuangzi and Laozi, his eyes lit up like lanterns.

I didn't expect that the short poem I wrote last time would attract so many comments. Many people said it was a bit too dark, while some said it was profound, and a few said it was playful... A concerned patient asked me: “It sounds rather dark, is everything okay, Dr. Anna? I am a little worried...”

Worried about what? Because my poem mentioned the word "death"? The concept of death is often taboo in Eastern culture, but obviously, Westerners are not comfortable with it either. However, life is transient, unpredictable and time-limited. If you don't consider death, how can you live freely and consciously?

One night, we were called to a hospital to treat a patient with advanced cancer. She was already in palliative care. Dr. Daniel and I were quite busy in the clinic all day and were very tired, but we decided to see if there was anything we could do for her.

We arrived there about 8:30 in the evening, and it was super quiet on the ward. We hadn't met this patient before; she was a referral from a friend. Before entering the room, I imagined a weak, skinny, sickly person lying in bed, unable to even open her eyes. Unexpectedly, the middle-aged lady standing at the door greeting us with a big smile was her. She looked energetic, pleasant, humorous, and with no hint of being closer to dying.

I gave her acupuncture and Dr. Daniel gave her a gentle massage. Traditional teachings say for the seriously ill person, the feet have the most unhealthy energy, but Dr. Daniel started massaging her feet immediately, without even wearing gloves.

As we worked, the patient joked, laughing, shaking her head at the same time: "I am a good girl, very disciplined, eat healthy, exercise regularly, a happy family... I am doing well in everything, yet I still got this damn cancer. The doctors said that the chance of getting this kind of cancer is very, very slim, but why did I get it? And it's such an aggressive kind? Life is really unfair…"

"Yes, life is not always fair," I agreed and smiled.

While doing some Qigong and visualization with her, the senior lady in the next bed peeked at us, grinning, so I invited her to join us for meditation.

After treating our patient, we gave the senior lady a quick herbal massage too. She held my hand and asked, "I will go to hospice soon. Will you still come to see me?"

Both Dr. Daniel and I nodded. I added, "I will also bring a bucket with herbal medicine to soak your feet, help you with the edema."

I am not sure how much we helped them, but when we left, everyone in the room had a genuine and peaceful smile on their face, and I could clearly see fear replaced by fondness in their eyes.

I usually go to bed at nine o'clock, but that night, I didn't sleep until midnight. When I closed my eyes, what jumped into my mind was not death, but two verses from Tagore's poems:

“Let life be beautiful like summer flowers and death like autumn leaves. ”

“The world has kissed my soul with its pain, asking for its return in songs”.