去CCUC

Susan著 小哭译

同性恋是眼下非常有争议的话题。对此我自己也想过很多。做为一名基督徒，我知道同性恋是一种罪（译者注：此“罪”是基督教中译文特用词，与刑事犯罪的“罪”非同一个意思，大意是指所有不算完美的思想和行为）。然而，因为某些人无法控制的事情去指责他们，感觉这也有“错”。我认为没有人选择被同性吸引，但那就发生了。他们无法控制自己的感觉。我知道圣经上清楚地说过，如果一个人是同性恋，将来就会下地狱。但是那样的话，上帝不是太不善良和不公平了吗？因为他们根本无法控制的事情将他们送到地狱里去？永远地惩罚一个并没有做错事的人？在我看来那很不公平。我很确信这个问题应有某种答案，并且我是正确的。

上周五晚上，我和所在教会的青年组一起去了一个在CCUC举办的报告会（那是一个位于芝加哥的大华人基督教会）。讲员是克里斯托弗.袁，一个曾经有过同性恋生活、吸毒并且最终染上了爱滋病的基督徒。我对他的故事很感兴趣，因为我从未直接听过一个曾经有同性恋感觉的人说话，更不用说他现在还是一个基督徒了。我简直等不及去听听他会说点什么了。

克里斯托弗从给我们讲他的故事开始。我记不得所有的细节了，但是相当地精彩。克里斯托弗的父母不是非常包容的父母，当他们发现克里斯托弗是同性恋者后，他们根本就不支持他。经过一系列不幸的事件，克里斯托弗最终加入了一个同性恋俱乐部，靠贩毒挣钱。不久，他被抓了，然后进了监狱。在这段时间里，他的父母成为了基督徒，开始日夜地替他祷告。他们甚至设法给他一本圣经，但是克里斯托弗没要。当他们知道克里斯托弗进了监狱后，他们没有对他生气；相反，他们为他祷告并且鼓励他。最后有一天，克里斯托弗在垃圾箱里看到了一本圣经，就决定读一读。接下来通过与他的父母和一些人交流，他很快就开始信上帝了。可是他太不幸了，不久就被查出来感染了艾滋病；但他又是幸运的，在监狱里呆了两年后，他提前出狱了。出狱后，寄着从耶稣那儿新获得的信心，他开始去不同的教会传道，就象这个周五他所正在做的事儿一样。

当然，克里斯托弗所讲的故事远比我在上段的总结令人兴奋。他甚至给我们看了与故事相关的他的照片。分享完他的见证之后，他谈了很多关于同性恋和我们应该如何看待这件事儿的话题。我真的很喜欢他的说法儿和他讲话的方式，他是那么地通情达理与包容。许多基督徒对同性恋者很刻薄，根本就不能接受他们。他们对待同性恋者如同对待与他们自己这种异性恋完全不同的物种一样。谢天谢地，克里斯托弗不是那种。他跟我们强调，我们不应该刻薄地对待同性恋者。我们应该包容，如同我们对待其它任何人一样地对待他们。

克里斯托弗谈论的还包括人们应该如何看待同性恋。基督徒把这件事儿看得太重了。很多时候，基督徒，包括我在内，认为同性恋者是那些被罪充满的人，将来会下地狱。我们认为他们比我们的罪更大。我们没有想到的是我们都是有罪的。我们也被罪充满着也应该下地狱。所以，我们与他们到底有什么区别呢？如果感觉到被同性吸引的人是罪人的话，那感觉到被异性吸引的人一样也是罪人。同性恋的罪并不比其它的罪更重，我们不应该将它与其它的罪区别对待。只是因为某人是同性恋者并不会使他比异性恋更有罪。

我同意克里斯托弗的论点。人们太容易将同性恋视为罪性很大，而忘记了他们自己也在犯着其它的罪。我也喜欢克里斯托弗在性兴趣上的观点。他认为性取向不是界定我们是谁的一个标签，并且性取向也不是我们生活中最重要的事情。他以前认为一个人要么是同性恋要么是异性恋，但是事实上，还有其它的选择：圣洁。上帝让我们变得圣洁，而不是异性恋或同性恋。我们的性取向不是一件多大的事情。那就是为什么，在他整个的讲演过程中，他从没用过“我是或曾是同性恋者”这句话。他只是说“我有过同性恋生活方式，我承受着被同性吸引这种感觉的痛苦。”不管怎么说，那些感觉不能成为界定他的标签。

克里斯托弗讲完了之后，问我们有什么问题。大家问了很多，但是有一个问题切中我心——关于同性恋是否是一种选择。我一直在思考这个问题。我真的很喜欢克里斯托弗对于这是否是一种选择的解释。“同性恋”是一个不明确的词儿。有三个意思与其关联：首先，感觉到吸引；其次，因着吸引所做的行为；第三，让这个吸引成为一个人的标志。根据克里斯托弗的理解，感觉到被同性吸引不是一种选择。一个人不能选择有什么感觉。然而，一个人可以选择是否基于那种感觉去行动，并且他们能够选择是否让这种感觉界定他们，成为他们的标签。感觉无法选择，行为和标签可以选择。

这个解释之后，我觉得自己终于理解了有关同性恋的问题。吸引的感觉就象是人们所感受到的任何其它的诱惑一样：撒谎的诱惑、不听从上帝的诱惑，或者任何其它的诱惑。上帝没有指责人们感受到那些诱惑，就如同他没有指责感受到被同性吸引。然而，是否基于诱惑去行动就是他们自己的选择了。受到诱惑不是罪，但是基于那些诱惑去行动就是罪了。而基于那些感觉去行动是他们自己的选择。所以，去犯罪是他们自己的选择。现在都搞清楚了！上帝终究是公平的！！

克里斯托弗就是一例仍然感受到被同性吸引的人，但是他跟从上帝，请求上帝帮助他不要向那些感觉屈服。听他说这些非常地有趣儿，他的报告解开了我对于同性恋的很多的问题。我很高兴终于有机会听到一个关于这个话题的合理解释。我在网上读过的很多文章，要么太有偏见，要么太不合理。克里斯托弗的讲演太完美了。听某人讲他还承受着那种感觉很令人钦佩。克里斯托弗说，他还是感觉被同性吸引。那意味着他可能不会结婚，因为他不被女人吸引，也不想和另一个同性恋者结婚犯下罪。然而，他相信他能通过跟随耶稣过一种圣洁的单身生活。一个人不是必须得结婚才能跟随上帝。单身也不坏。

我喜欢听克里斯托弗的故事。知道他还在被同性吸引然而还能跟从上帝让我感觉到上帝的力量真的是非常强大。是上帝和圣灵将克里斯托弗在监狱中变成了一个基督徒，一个几乎不可能的改变，是上帝帮助克里斯托弗不要向他的同性性取向屈服。上帝真的很奇妙。很高兴那晚我去听了讲演，我绝对是从中学到了很多。

【小哭介绍背景】这篇文章读完我就将其列入了翻译的行列，可是却一直拖到现在才动手。我知道这是Susan跟橡树园教会出去活动时所见所闻所思所想，不是她的校园生活，但是，我强烈地想将这一篇挤进某个系列以便早点发表出来。

去年的复活节，我们去一家自助餐店庆祝Susan受洗，当时社会上都在谈论同性恋合法化的问题。一路上，一家人为着这个话题个个争着抢着发表观点，谁也说服不了谁。一个我本来挺喜欢的牧师，就是因为他去了首都华盛顿参加反对同性恋结婚示威，让我对他“敬而远之”。我真的没有能力说服谁，可是我对不同的性取向有着一种发自内心的深深的理解，并对他们为社会所不容有着深深的同情。我是个异性恋，我的理解不是指自己也有着对同性吸引的感觉，而是类比于自己对于恋人的那种深深的爱，还有当那种爱随风而去时的刻骨的悲伤。我是从这个层面上去理解的，我觉得很多爱都是人们心底最真实和最美好的感情，与性别无关。我就是无法将同性恋者想像成“恶心和丑陋”的。牧师那时强调，同性恋不是真实的感觉，他们那些人一会儿跟人同性恋，一会儿还会搞异性恋，所以，他们是堕落败坏的。我实在无法认同牧师的观点，我就是相信有的人生来就是会被同性吸引的，那是他们自己也无法决定的事情。我甚至激动地说，要说错误，这也是上帝的错误，是上帝将一些人造成了那样，那些人可曾有权选择自己的性取向吗？至于滥交和吸毒，我不认为那等同于同性恋，不管他们的相关度有多高。

我的观点是非常朴素的，跟克里斯托弗的理解相差太远了。我没有办法说服任何人，我只是深深地为着某些基督徒在这一点上的不包容感觉不理解，感觉自己离这样的基督徒很遥远。在家最好不谈“政治”，否则会“打”起来。这一点在我们家也挺明显，每个人都有着强烈的个人观点，不会因为要维持一个表面的“和谐”而委屈自己，所以，我们最后就是把各自的观点留在那里，少去破坏家庭气氛。但是事儿总还是个事儿，问题也还是那个问题，留在那里也不会自动解决。只要一提起来就会是一场家庭“论战”：）其实我们的论战算是温和的，因为我们都有一种感觉，对人应该宽容些。只是家里的两个基督徒觉得没有办法把这种感觉和圣经上的话语统一起来，他们又想维护圣经，又无法否定我这个非基督徒的“善良”。

终于，Susan亲耳听到了克里斯托弗的故事，还有他对于同性恋的深度剖析和小结。不只是Susan，我自己也觉得克里斯托弗的解释非常地有说服力，让我的认识又高了一层次。只是，我觉得克里斯托弗的讲法，也不完美，更类似于一个折衷：同性恋者要自我牺牲，要和天生的感觉和情感斗争，受尽折磨；异性恋者要看在他们只是有想法，没有任何行动的份上，接受他们。对于天生有这种想法的人，我觉得他们就如同生来有残疾的人一样，上帝的厚爱对他们来讲，在这一点上很薄。上帝剥夺了他们享受爱情甚至婚姻的权力，当然，上帝有主权，他可以剥夺一个人的任何东西，如果他愿意；就如同他可以给予一个人很多，只因他愿意。

我为Susan有机会去听这个报告庆幸！补充一点，克里斯托弗是一个华人青年。我曾经看过他的某段录像的开头，但是没有看完，所以并不知道他的报告是如此地精彩。我喜欢Susan能够跟从圣经的教导，可是我并不想她成为一个教条的基督徒，失去独立思考的能力，失去人性中那种“爱与宽容”的光辉。这个问题的解决，为我们树立了一个样板，以后再面临这样的问题和争论，我们可以想像，一定是有一个更好的答案，可能只是因为我们的智慧暂时还不够，所以目前还无法触及到这个答案。

“上帝终究是公平的！！”我喜欢Susan的这一点感悟。我希望她对上帝的相信，是缘于这类理解，而不是一种盲从。在孩子寻求信仰的路上，如果孩子能够得到好的喂养，是一件值得家长极其感恩的事情！

附上英文原文：

Trip To CCUC

Gay marriage is a very controversial issue right now. I thought about it a lot myself. Being a Christian, I know that homosexuality is a sin. However, it feels wrong to condem someone for something they can’t control. I’m sure nobody chose to feel attraction towards someone of the same sex. It just happens. They can’t control how they feel. I know the Bible clearly states that if a person is gay, they’re gonna go to hell. But isn’t that really mean and unfair of God? To send a person to hell for something they have no control over? To eternally damn a person for doing nothing wrong? That seems unfair to me. I was sure there is some sort of answer to this question, and I was right.

Last Friday night, I went to a presentation at CCUC (that’s a big Chinese Christian church in Chicago) with my youth group. The guest speaker was Christopher Yuan, a Christian who used to live a homosexual life, do drugs, and finally ended up with AIDs. I was really interested to hear his story, because I had never heard directly from a person who has gay feelings before, much less one who is now a Christian. I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say.

Christopher began with telling us his story. I don’t remember all the details, but it was pretty amazing. Christopher’s parents were not very accepting parents, and when they found out Christopher was gay, they did not support him at all. Through a series of unfortunate events, Christopher ended up going to gay clubs and dealing drugs to earn money. Soon, he got caught, and was thrown in jail. During that period of time, his parents had become Christians, and were praying for him night and day. They even tried to give him a Bible, but Christopher would not take it. When they found out Christopher was in jail, they did not get mad at him. Instead, they just prayed for him and encouraged him. Finally, one day, Christopher saw a Bible in the trash can, and finally decided to read it. Then, through talking with his parents and other people, he soon started believing in God. Unlucky for him, Christopher soon found out that he was infected with AIDs. Lucky for him, he got out of jail early, after only two years. After he got out of jail, with his newfound faith in Christ, he began spreading the gospel to different churches. And that was what he was doing that Firday.

Of course, the way Christopher told his story was way more exciting than the way I summarized it in the paragraph above. He even showed us pictures of himself throughout the story. After he finished sharing his testimony, he proceeded to talking more about homosexuality and how we should view it. One thing I really like about what he said and the way he said it was how reasonable and accepting he was. A lot of Christians are very mean to people who are gay, and are not accepting of them at all. They treat them like they are a completely different species from people who are straight, like them. Thankfully, Christopher is not like that. He stressed to us that we should not be mean towards them. We should be accepting, and treat them like we would treat anyone else.

Something Christopher talked about was how people should view homosexuality. Christians make too big of a deal out of that issue. A lot of times, Christians, including me, think about gay people as people who are filled with sin and are condemned to go to hell. We treat them as if they are more sinful than us. What we don’t think about is that we are the same thing. We are also filled with sin and are condemed to go to hell. So, how does that make us different from them? People who feel same-sex attractions are sinners, and people who feel opposite-sex attractions are also sinners. The sin of homosexuality does not outweigh other sins, and we should not treat it differently from other sins. Just because someone’s gay does not make them more of a sinner than someone straight.

 I agree with the point that Christopher made. Too often do people treat homosexuality as a huge sin, and forget about all the other sins that they themselves committed. I also like Christopher’s view on sexuality. He believes that our sexual orientation does not define who we are, and it is not the most important thing in our lives. I used to think that a person as either gay or straight, but actually, there is another choice: holiness. God is calling us to be holy, not to be straight or gay. Our sexual orientation is not that big of a deal. That’s why, during his whole presentation, he never said “I am/was gay”. He only said “I was living a gay lifestyle, and I suffer from homosexual feelings.” However, those feelings does not define him.

After Christopher said all he wanted to say, he asked us if we had any questions. There were many questions, but one stuck in my mind. It was about whether homosexuality is a choice or not. I had been wondering about that. I really like Christopher interpretation of whether it’s a choice or not. “Homosexuality” is a vague word. There are three meaning tied to this word: first, the feeling of attraction. Second, the deeds done because of this attraction. And third, letting the attraction become one’s identity. According to Christopher, the feeling of attraction to the same sex is not a choice. One cannot chose what to feel. However, a person can chose to whether act upon that feeling, and they can chose whether or not to let that feeling define them and become their identily. The feeling is not a choice, but behavior and identity is.

After that explanation, I feel like I finally understand the whole subject of homosexuality. The feelings of attration is like any other temptation people feel: the temptation to lie, the temptation to not follow God, or any other temptation. God does not condem people for feeling those tempations, just as he does not condem them for feeling attracted to the same sex. However, it is their own choice to act upon those temptations. The temptations are not a sin, but acting upon those temptations are. And it’s their own choice to act upon those feelings. So, it’s their own choice to sin. Now it all makes sense! God is fair after all!

Christopher is an example of someone who still feels those homosexual attractions, but he follows God and ask God to help him not give in to those feelings. It was very interesting hearing from him, and his presentation untangled many questions I had about homosexuality. I’m glad to finally hear a reasonable presentation about this subject. Many articles I have read online are either prejudiced or very unreasonable. Christopher’s presentation was perfect. It was very cool hearing from a person who still suffers those feelings. Christopher said that he still feel attracted to people of the same sex as him. That means he probably will not marry, because he is not attracted to women and does not want to commite a sin by marrying another guy. However, he believes that he can live a very holy life following Jesus as a single. A persona doesn’t have to be married to follow God. Singleness isn’t a bad thing.

I enjoyed listing to Christopher’s story. Knowing that he still feel sexualy attracted to guys yet is able to still follow God makes me feel that the strength of the God really is very strong. It was the God and the Holy Spirit who changed Christopher into a Christian while he was in prison, a deed that was almost impossible, and it is God who is helping Christopher not give in to his homosexual attractions. God indeed is miraculous. I’m very glad I went to the presentation that night. I definitely learned a lot.