旧时代女性独立和现在

The following things happened in 1938-1949, I guess

旧时代女性独立和现在

一、无法原谅和放下

我仍记忆犹新。约十二年前，公司派我去护理照顾伍先生，每天一个小时。93岁的伍先生，来自香港，矮小瘦弱，和蔼可亲，住女儿家。伍太太每天在家打坐念经拜佛，见我笑脸相迎，彬彬有礼。

可是，有几次，伍先生的女儿外出了。伍太太为我开门后，径直冲向伍先生的房间，拍手跳脚咆哮，言语粗俗不堪。后来，伍先生女儿向我解释，“我的爸爸年轻时会去找姑娘，我妈对过去的事情放不下，无法解脱释怀”。她叹了口气，“我爸爸还是很慈爱顾家的，是他一个人的收入支撑起一个家”。

伍先生慈眉善目，处于似醒非醒的状态。他常告诫我的一句话，也是他生命将逝的总结：“不要去找姑娘，毒气猴腮嘞（好厉害），会生病的”；还会叮嘱我：“徐生，麻烦你帮我买张649彩栗，至少我每周有一个梦想吧”。

伍先生年轻时职业为小车司机。各种豪华轿车都开过，有机会接触过早期香港各位富豪。他的意思，大方慷慨的老板都破产，被那些孤寒吝啬的超人取代。伍先生提及一位早期香港已经破产富豪心存感激，因为常受惠于他，可以去台湾和日本度假。华人父母都渴望儿子成才，伍先生也不例外，他抱怨，儿子不争气，在香港什么学校都念过，还包括“左校”。另外，他说，儿子没出息，怕老婆。

伍太太过去因为经济无法独立，只能忍辱负重，为了家庭，委曲求全，现在是报仇解恨最佳时机！？

Independence of Chinese women in old times  and now

1. Unable to forgive and let go

I still remember it vividly. About twelve years ago, the company sent me to take care of Mr. Ng for an hour a day. Mr. Ng, 93 years old, is from Hong Kong. He is short, thin, kind, and lived in his daughter’s house. Mrs. Ng meditated at home every day, recited scriptures and worshiped Buddha, and she greeted me with a smile and politeness.

However, on several occasions, Mr. Ng's daughter went out. Mrs. Ng opened the door for me, and she rushed straight to Mr. Ng's room, clapping her hands and shouting, her words were extremely vulgar. Later, Mr. Ng's daughter explained to me, "My father would go to find girls(prostitutes) when he was young. My mother couldn't let go of the past and couldn't get rid of it. She didn't want to forgive my father." She sighed, "Anyway my father is still very loving and caring for the family. In the past, it was his income alone that supported the family."

Mr. Ng was kind-hearted, in a state of half-awake. One sentence he often warned me was, also the summary of his life close to death: "Don't go to find a girl, you will get poisoned and get sick"; he would also tell me: "Mr. Xu, please help me buy a 649 lottery ticket. I at least, have a dream every week."

Mr. Ng worked as a car driver when he was young. He had driven all kinds of limousines, and he had the opportunity to get in touch with the rich and powerful men in Hong Kong in the early days. What he means is that the generous bosses are all bankrupt and replaced by mean-spirited supermen. Mr. Ng mentioned a rich man who had gone bankrupt in Hong Kong in the early days, and he was grateful because he often benefited from him and could go to Taiwan and Japan for vacation. Chinese parents all want their sons to study well, go to prestigious schools, and have a decent job. Mr. Ng is no exception. He complained that his son was not able to study well, and he had studied in every school in Hong Kong, including the "left school" of the working class. In addition, he said, his son is worthless and afraid of his wife.

In the past, Mrs. Ng had no choice but to bear the burden of humiliation for the sake of her family because she was unable to be financially independent. Now is the best time to take revenge! ? Therefore, she swears at her husband every day.

Independence of Chinese women in old times  and now

2 Would rather be a jade broken than a tile intact.( dying for a noble cause rather than living a shameful life.)

I never met my maternal grandfather Gen Zhu, who was born around 1900，high school graduation. Since childhood, I often heard my grandmother ,Yichun Xu,or Bairong Xu, talk about her impressions of Fuzhou, Xiamen, and Zhangzhou ,Fujian province in 1934-35. The climate there is better than that of Hangzhou(Zhejiang province), the natural scenery is beautiful, the products were rich, and the delicious food is world-class. Of course, the folk customs were also simple, and local religions in folklore were prevalent. At the same time, the enthusiasm for spreading the Christian gospel was also intense”. Grandma said that at that time her material life in Fujian was very rich, and there were nowhere to store food and good stuff. But she was unhappy, and could only listen to the phonograph every night to pass the time.

It was said that Gen Zhu was originally a dispatcher at the Hangzhou Railway Station. He was drawn into the military because he was a fellow villager (Zhuji, Zhejiang province) with General Dingwen Jiang of the Republic of China . Zhu was in charge of the transportation and deployment of military supplies. It was said that during the Anti-Japanese War and the Wuhan Defense War, Gen Zhu was in charge of military supplies and logistics.

In 1934, my grandmother led my mother to follow Gen Zhu to garrison in Xiamen and Zhangzhou, Fujian province. According to the news at that time, it was to suppress the chaos and suppress the bandits, and the bandits refer to the Red Army of the Communist Party. Grandma didn't have any good impression of Zhu Gen, "He is stupid and uneducated, and I also help him to write official documents." When I was young, I remembered a Hangzhou dialect "Gen Zhu likes to attract lovers". Also, " Gen Zhu wants to marry a concubine, his character is too bad! Taking advantage of his position to resell arms.... Gen Zhu is the incarnation of the devil Satan"!  In fact, before Gen Zhu married my grandmother, he concealed that he already had a first wife in his home village. In April 1985, I met my grandmother's sister Baiguan Xu  in Hangzhou, Zhejiang province. She  could still clearly recall Gen Zhu's appearance, dressed in an officer's uniform, followed by a few soldiers, very handsome and majestic. She said that Gen Zhu was very generous. He came to Baiguan home to ask about the living conditions and residences of my grandmother, my mother, uncle, and aunt.

The son of Gen Zhu’s cousin, Mr. Youqi (graduated from the Department of Mathematics of Tsinghua University in 1939), once said  “Your grandmother has too strong a personality. You can’t blame Gen Zhu , you can only blame the old society, and that era and social customs, that is, once a person If you become an official and have some power and money, you will be vain, so you marry a concubine, and your status will be high." Youqi also said, "It's very strange. Your grandmother's thinking is very feudal. How could she believe in Jesus? At that time, your grandmother led the children away from home, and your grandfather(Gen Zhu) sent an adjutant to chase after her. Gen Zhu  promised that the family's financial rights would be handed over to the grandmother. However, grandma still led the three children away, you see, grandma and the three children must have suffered a lot. It is that your grandmother completely asks for the suffering ."

I only know that my aunt died at the age of three. I don’t know how my grandmother, mother, and uncle survived the Anti-Japanese War and the Civil War between the Kuomintang and the Communist Party. Because  they passed away one after another 36 years ago. Grandma said that Gen Zhu came to Yiyang Christian Farm in Jiangxi province in 1949, he asked his only son, my uncle, "There are land and house at home village. Come with me back to Zhuji, Zhejiang？ You are the only son", "No! You go", At that time, my uncle was still a 13-year-old child.

In 1950, the Communist Party began to rule in China, and my grandmother became a teacher of New China in Nanchang. In the political and thought reform movement, everyone must explain the past history clearly. Grandma said, it was very strange, someone asked, "You and your husband have been divorced for more than 10 years, why don't you remarry, your thinking is too feudal, and why do you believe in foreign religion?" The same question was asked again by Mr.Youqi, However, grandma could only say, "He is really ridiculous, he graduated from the Department of Mathematics of Tsinghua University? so stupid!"

In the late 1930s when China was dominated by old-fashioned traditions, patriarchal thinking, and war turmoil, it was unimaginable for my grandmother to lead three children under the age of 6 to escape domestic violence and make a living. How much determination and courage are needed? ! Grandma should be born with an independent woman beyond the historical era. Why can she be so powerful? She is specially chosen by Christ, a Christian with spiritual depth, and secular people will think that she is morally obsessed with extreme character(She seeks too much moral perfection). Of course, grandma is still just an ordinary person, impossible to be perfect, and has incomprehensible mistakes.

Although it is already 2023, in this era of material desires and consumption, there are still a group of women who lack independent thinking. As long as their husbands are capable and can provide superior material life enjoyment, they can still tolerate their husbands having a third party. Or, everyone is happy and lives in peace. There is nothing new in the world, what happened in the past will be repeated in the future.

二、宁为玉碎不为瓦全

我没见过我的外祖父朱艮，他应该出生于1900左右,中学毕业。自幼常听外祖母说起1934-35年的福州、厦门、漳州，那里气候比杭州好，自然景色美，物产丰富，美食天下。当然民风也淳朴，民间传说的地方宗教盛行，同时，基督教福音传播也火热。外婆说，在福建物质生活非常丰富，吃的用的都无处堆放。但是她却不高兴，每晚只能听着留声机打发时间。

据说，朱艮原来是杭州火车站的调度，因与民国将领蒋鼎文为小同乡（浙江诸暨），而被拉入军界，主管军需物资运输调配，我也无法查实核对，他的家乡亲友还说，抗日时，武汉保卫战期间，朱艮统管军需后勤。1934年外婆领着我妈随外公朱艮在福建厦门、漳州一带驻防（当时的潮语：平乱剿匪）。外婆对朱艮没有一点好印象，“他很笨，没文化，我还帮他参考写公文”。小时候，我印象中的一句杭州话“朱艮喜欢夾姘头”。还有，“朱艮要娶姨太，人品太差！利用职务之便，倒卖军火…，是魔鬼撒旦的化身”！其实，朱艮娶我外祖母之前，隐瞒其在家乡已经有原配。1985年4月，我在杭州见到外婆的胞姐徐百冠及儿女。他们之中，年纪上45岁的，还能清楚回忆朱艮的样貌，一身军官制服，后面还跟着几位兵崽，很神气的。他们说，朱艮出手很大方的，他来向百冠询问我外祖母以及我妈妈、舅舅、姨妈生活状况和住处。

朱艮堂兄的儿子，友奇（清华1939数学系毕业）曾说，“你外婆个性太强。不能怪朱艮，只能归咎于旧社会，那个时代和社会风气，人做个官，有点钱，爱虚荣，于是就娶姨太，身份就高了”。友奇说，“很奇怪，你外婆思想很封建，怎么会笃信耶稣的？那个时候，你外婆领着孩子离家出走了，你外公派副官去追，并承若，家里财权交给外婆，可是，外婆还是领着三个孩子走了，好日子不过，吃尽苦头吧。 ”

我只知道我的姨妈三岁就夭折，无法知道外婆、妈妈、舅舅是怎样从抗战和国共内战中走过来，外婆只是一位乡村小学老师，他们具体怎么生活，躲避战乱？因为他们36年前相继逝世。外婆说，1949年朱艮来到江西弋阳基督徒农场，他问舅舅，“家里有田地和房产，你随我回浙江诸暨家乡吧？你是独子”，“不! 你走吧”，那时，舅舅还是个13岁的孩子。

1950年，外婆在南昌成为一名新中国的人民教师。政治改造运动，每人都要交代说清楚过去的历史。外婆说，很奇怪，有人发问，“你与你老公离婚10几年，为什么不去再婚改嫁，你的思想太封建，还有，你怎么会信洋教？”这个问题，后来朱先生也问过，外婆只能说，“他真是荒唐，还是清华数学系毕业的，很笨！”

在中国那个旧式、战争动荡的1930年代末，一个妈妈敢于独自带领三个6岁以下的孩子，逃离家暴去闯生活，是难以想象的，需要多大的决心和勇气？！外婆应该是天生的，具有超越历史时代的独立女性，为何她能如此有力量？她是基督特别拣选的，具有属灵深度的基督徒，世俗的人会觉得她有道德洁癖，性格偏执。当然，外婆仍然是个普通人而已，不可能完全，并且有令人难以理解的错误。

虽然现在已经是2023年，在这个物欲横流，追求消费的时代，还有女性独立思想缺失的一批人，只要丈夫能干，能提供优越的物质生活享受，为了一个完整的家，还是可以忍受丈夫有外遇第三者，各自快乐，相安无事。世上无新事，过去发生的，今后仍会重复。