请英文好网友帮忙修改译文 2014-12-13 09:10:34
本人来到加拿大12年，白天我在家里从事翻译工作。
没想到，翻译了5、6文章后到那家房地产公司去上班。公司里的人说我翻译的文章都是中国式英语。而且一句也无法读懂。我感到很奇怪。我翻译文件很多年了。如果读不懂，客户是不会付款的。本人受过英国人关于写英语的专门培训2年。已能辨别什么是中国式英语。我还用英文写书。怎么可能是翻译文章读不懂呢？
其实，除了口语外，这位犹太人的英文书面语的水平大概只有高中程度。
以下是本人4年前替一家公司翻译的一篇网络博文。如果有网友英文水平高，请提出修改意见。哪怕是针对一个自然段提出修改意见也可。本人愿意学习。欢迎指正。谢谢。
网友们你们不要被这个人小人骗钱，他是个赌鬼，骗了我姐姐很多钱，千万不要上当，不是男人的人...甩逼男人，不要脸吃女人的用女人的，没有用的人，所有人都知道他没有用，身边没有人看的起他这个不要脸的男人，骗子，贱 ，贱。
Online friends, do not be defrauded by this base person of your money. He is a gambler and has defrauded my elder sister of a lot of money of her. Never let yourself be fooled. A person who is not a man is a foolish man. He is a shameless person who eats the foods of a woman and uses the things of a woman. He is a useless person. All know that he is useless. Nobody around him thinks highly of him, a shameless man, a defrauder, because he is mean, mean.
作者：Pascal 留言时间：2014-12-13 22:21:32
Mind you Netizens, do not get defrauded of your hard-
earned money by this little scoundrel, who is nothing but
a hardened gambler, having had cheated my elder sister
out of a lot of her money. Never let yourself be fooled by
this unmanly, nonsensical and good-for-nothing deadbeat,
sponging on his woman shamelessly. Everyone around
him shows no respect at all for that worthless
hoodwinker, who is nothing short of being mean and
nasty all the time.
甩逼： 南京话
吃软饭的男人：http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/trans/2013-04/12/content_16396684.htm
通篇都是泼妇/泼男骂骂咧咧，所以，切忌书面语，切忌文绉绉，借以体现淋漓尽致的痛快感。尽管中文前后都是一个骗字，英文尽量替换其它近义词使用，以避免词汇贫乏、语言干瘪、呆板的感觉。俞先生译文乍看可以，细究起来，是有一点儿那位高中毕业程度的犹太白人所言的中式味道。不会是使用谷哥一秒钟完成中翻英之后，再把英文捋顺了吧。中英两种文字，句句对应，看似精准，读起来，就有点儿不是英文习惯表达的那个味儿。有时，不妨打散中文结构，重新组合，或替换、或颠倒、或倒装。
后面的段落，仍在继续中。
另请参阅英文翻译由母语专家精雕细琢、千锤百炼、绝对忠实于中文、又绝对属于地道英文习惯的语录翻译下面这一段中文排比句五种人的绝妙处理：
白求恩同志毫不利己专门利人的精神，表现在他对工作的极端的负责任，对同志对人民的极端的热忱。每个共产党员都要学习他。……我们大家要学习他毫无自私自利之心的精神。从这点出发，就可以变为大有利于人民的人。一个人能力有大小，但只要有这点精神，就是一个高尚的人，一个纯粹的人，一个有道德的人，一个脱离了低级趣味的人，一个有益于人民的人。
——《纪念白求恩》（一九三九年十二月二十一日），《毛泽东选集》第二卷第六五三——六五四页
Comrade Bethune's spirit, his utter devotion to others without any thought of self, was shown in his boundless sense of responsibility in his work and his boundless warm-heartedness towards all comrades and the people. Every Communist must learn from him. We must all learn the spirit of absolute selflessness from him. With this spirit everyone can be very useful to the people. A man's ability may be great or small, but if he has this spirit, he is already noble-minded and pure, a man of moral integrity and above vulgar interests, a man who is of value to the people.
― "In Memory of Norman Bethune" (December 21, 1939), Selected Works, Vol. II, pp. 337-38.*
有心欣赏中译英的巅峰之作，请从毛爷语录始
（ 这也是响应黑兄深切缅怀山呼万岁的阳光灿烂的日子
之举 ），那是一句等于一万句的斗志昂扬的时代。
不信，请自己动手试试组织一下下面这一段漂亮中文句
子的英文结构和文字。不要看答案（在最后），
然后，看看二者相距有多么的遥远或相近 ：
资本主义的思想体系和社会制度，已有一部分进了博物
馆（在苏联）；其余部分，也已“日薄西山，气息奄
奄，人命危浅，朝不虑夕”，快进博物馆了。惟独共产
主义的思想体系和社会制度，正以排山倒海之势，雷霆
万钧之力，磅礴于全世界，而葆其美妙之青春。
——《新民主主义论》（一九四零年一月），《毛泽东选集》第二卷第六七九页
“ 我在北美25年，从没有碰见过谁这么讲英文，或者谁
有翻译这种中文的需要。是的，我们打工吃饭、挣钱养
家，就是再住上250年，永远都不会有这种需要。”
“ 这句子太绕，换个简单的。好，没有比这八个字的语
录更简单的了 ”：
团结、紧张、严肃、活泼。
——为“抗大”制定的校训
第二个“紧张”，会想到哪个英文词 ？
1999年4月14日，法国公演法国影片 Romance ，时代背
景为1968年法国学生、工人走上街头的五月风暴时期。
片中青
年男主角一度情绪昂扬、激动地大声朗读这一段语录全
文：
革命不是请客吃饭，不是做文章，不是绘画绣花，不能
那样雅致，那样从容不迫，文质彬彬，那样温良恭俭
让。革命是暴动，是一个阶级推翻一个阶级的暴烈的行
动。
——《湖南农民运动考察报告》（一九二七年三月），《毛泽东选集》第一卷第一八页
A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or
painting a picture, or doing embroidery; it cannot be so
refined, so leisurely and gentle, so temperate, kind,
courteous, restrained and magnanimous. A revolution is
an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class
overthrows another.
― "Report on an Investigation of the Peasant Movement in Hunan" (March 1927), Selected Works, Vol. I, p. 28.*
顺便请看一眼与此无关的修正案例，同本篇一样，都是
仅供十二年下来如此辛苦坚持翻译为生的俞先生参考而
已：
http://blog.creaders.net/educationalquest/user_blog_diary.php?did=199652
不要脸的骗子。
A shameless defrauder.
作者：Pascal 留言时间：2014-12-14 00:14:33
You brazen bamboozler. / An impudent swindler.
余华 “ China in Ten Words " 一书中的第十个词 —— 忽悠，由译者英国人
定稿为： bamboozle.
他还我毁了一生，他的所有罪行，所有人知道，还有派出所也去了无数次，他欠钱不还，什么毒是吃女人喝女人的，
He has also ruined all my life. All his crimes are known
by all. In addition, he has gone to the police station for
countless times. He fails to repay the money he owes. All
he eats and drinks are provided by a woman.
He has also ruined all my life. All his
misdemeanors and crimes are well known to
everybody. Besides, he has been summoned to
go to the local police station for countless times.
A deadbeat as he is, all of his boarding and
lodging are intrusively dependent upon a
woman.
( 这是几句语无伦次的表达。）请看《美国之音》网站中 deadbeat 一词的使用：
http://www.51voa.com/Voa_English_Learning/Learn_A_Word_22399.html
英语习惯说，be well known to everybody 不信，请查阅：
https://www.google.ca/?gfe_rd=ctrl&ei=eUQdU4HlH4mN8Qfx7IHABg&gws_rd=cr#q=well+known+to+everybody
sum•mon
(ˈsʌm ən)
v.t.
1. to call for the presence of, as by command, message, or signal.
2. to call upon to do something specified.
3. to call or notify to appear at a specified place, esp. before a court: to summon awitness.
4. to call together by authority, as for deliberation or action: to summon parliament.
5. to call into action; rouse; call forth (often fol. by up): to summon all one's courage.
sum·mons
(sŭm′ənz)
n. pl. sum·mons·es
1. A call by an authority to appear, come, or do something.
2. Law
a. An order or process directing a person, especially a defendant in a case,to appear in court.
b. An order or process directing a person to report to court as a potentialjuror.
tr.v. sum·monsed, sum·mons·ing, sum·mons·es Law
1. To order to appear in or report to court by means of a summons: the defendantwas summonsed to the district court.
2. To serve with a summons.
连抽烟，买衣服钱都没有，用我信用卡，我身边所有人都知道，他没有朋友，连亲人都看不起他，一个烂赌鬼把家里房子卖了，还和老婆在外害人，
He even has no money to buy cigarettes and clothes. He
uses my credit card. All around me know that he has no
friend. Even his relatives look down upon him. A down-
and-out gambler has even sold the house of his family. He
and his wife even victimize others outside.
He himself can't afford even cigarettes and
clothes and has had to use my credit card. All of
my friends and acquaintances are well aware
that being friendless and looked down upon by
his relatives, such a down-and-out gambler like
him sold out of the house of his family and is still
doing harm
with his wife
to other innocent people .
随着一段段细看下来，那位高中程度犹太白人好像并没
有刻意制造冤假错案。
当然，他肯定要言过其词，故意夸张。
人在做，天在看。
俞版：The man is acting and the heaven is watching.
Whatever one is doing, God is watching.
(all deeds of human can never escape God’s eyes.)
http://blog.creaders.net/yuxing/user_blog_diary.php?did=200562
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作者：俞先生
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留言时间：2014-12-14 09:07:18
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谢谢以上Pascal的指正。你运用的词汇比我更丰富。这一点应该向你学习。
本人应客人的要求翻译。通常就是逐字逐句翻译。如果句型结构变动大，客人可能会提出问题。那天争论的焦点就是句型结构。我是将句型重新组合翻译的。原文中是几个短的中文句子。我看可以组合成一个长句子。他要求用短句子。就是一个一个的独立的短句子。声称英文的句子结构也是短句子。和中文一样。这是本人不能苟同的。
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作者：俞先生
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留言时间：2014-12-14 09:14:50
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还有，他去了派出所几次，应该是指被派出所抓去几次。不应该是被召唤去派出所几次。所以，本人的译文中就没有这个表示，而是被detained。就是拘留。个人觉得，准备表达原文是首要条件。
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中美两国的文化不同，很多东西只能翻译个大概。
在大部分情况下，用计算机翻译就足够了。比如
“助理教授，教授，市长，退休工资”等等的词，
你翻译得再精确，中美两国的意思还是不一样的。
两位老兄太较真了！！！
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作者：Pascal
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留言时间：2014-12-14 18:34:11
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谢谢俞先生指正。尽管没有文字明确表述，再看前半句，未言之意却是 —— 去一次就被拘留一次，去一次就被拘留一次，直至被拘留的无数次，而绝对不是什么被传讯、被问话、被警告、被调查、被罚款、被缴费、被笔录、被勒令、被恫吓、被呵斥、被索贿、被勒索、被敲诈、被诱供、被伪证、被诈供、被行贿。
言多必失，字多必误，漏洞百出，败笔连篇，让俞先生见笑，还请随时、随意、随心绪、随心境地就原本就是仅供参考的拙文逐字驳斥、逐句批判。
另，难怪开博以来从未见过正牌货美国工科教授的发言，按名索骥，原来是歇笔十个月，宅校忙着 —— 手抽筋呢。呵呵。谢谢美国教授同志的重要批示。我们还要连夜组织学习，深入贯彻执行。
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The ideological and social system of capitalism
has also become a museum piece in one part of
the world (in the Soviet Union), while in other
countries it resembles "a dying person who is
sinking fast, like the sun setting beyond the
western hills", and will soon be relegated to the
museum. The communist ideological and social
system alone is full of youth and vitality,
sweeping the world with the momentum of an
avalanche and the force of a thunderbolt.
― "On New Democracy" (January 1940),
Selected Works, Vol. II, pp. 360-61.*
Be united, alert, earnest and lively.
― Motto for the Anti-Japanese Military and Political
College.
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