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Vocational do's and don'ts
職場守則 ---------------------------
Lesson One 第一課
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
有一隻 烏鴉坐在樹頂上，整天就是不做事。
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
有一隻兔子看到烏鴉，就問說：
Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
我能學你這樣子就坐著整天不用做事嗎？
The crow answered: Sure, why not.
烏鴉就說啦：當然可以，為啥不行？
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
所以，兔子就在樹的底下休息起來，
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and
ate it.
突然的，有一隻狐狸出現把兔子給吃了。
Moral of the story is:
這故事告訴你：
To be sitting and doing nothing,
想要整天坐著不做事，
you must be sitting very, very high up.
你就必須高高在上
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Lesson Two 第二課
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A turkey was chatting with a bull.
有一隻火雞跟一隻公牛在聊天。
I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,
火雞說：我真的很想爬到這樹枝頭上耶！
sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.
但是我沒力氣！
Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings?
牛說：嗯，沒關係，那你要不要吃一點我的牛大便（英譯：狗屁，屁話）呢？
replied the bull.Theyre packed with nutrients.
我的牛大便是很營養的喔。
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
火雞就吃了很多牛大便，就變的很強壯足夠讓火雞爬上第一排的樹枝。
The next day, after eating some more dung,
接下來的一天，火雞又吃了很多牛大便（狗屁，屁話）
he reached the second branch.
讓火雞可以爬上第二排枝頭。
Finally after a fortnight,
最後，兩個禮拜過後，
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
火雞終於爬上枝頭很安穩的在休息，
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
好景不常，一位農夫發現這隻火雞，
who shot the turkey out of the tree.
開槍把火雞打死了。
Moral of the story:
這故事告訴你：
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
(狗屁，屁話）或許可以讓你爬的更高，但不可能讓你成功一輩子。
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Lesson Three 第三課
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
當一個身體剛完成的時候，所有的器官想要當這身體的老闆。
The brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys
responses and functions.
頭腦就說；我應該當老闆，因為我支配著整個身體的咦鳎磻δ堋?BR>The hands said, We should be the Boss because
接著手就說了；我應該當老闆因為都是我在做事賺錢。
we do all the work and earn all the money. And so it went on and on with
the heart,
所以這樣的爭執就一直繼續著，心臟，肺臟跟眼睛也加入爭執，
the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
最後屁眼（英譯：白癡）也說話要當老闆！
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
所有的器官一同取笑屁眼想當老闆，
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
屁眼一氣之下，將自己塞起來，不爽，罷工去了
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched,
在很短的時間內，眼睛、手腳就開始不聽使喚，
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
心肺也開始恐慌而大腦發燒
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.
最後，大家還是決議讓屁眼當老闆，
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out
the shit!
所以, 當所有的器官都在做事時, 就老闆坐著拉屎（英譯：說屁話）
Moral of the story:
這故事告訴你：
You dont need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
想當老闆根本不需要大腦！任何白癡都可以當！
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Lesson Number 4
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
正在太太沐浴好了，男主人進去的淋浴時，門鈴響了。
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
太太粉快的包個浴巾就跑下樓去應門。
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
打開門來，站在門外的是隔壁鄰居 Bob。
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
在她開口說話之先，Bob就說了："只要妳將浴巾弄下來，我就給妳 $800。"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
考慮片刻後，浴巾掉落下來，女人 ＠＠ 的站在 Bob面前。
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
幾秒後，Bob給她 $800 就離開了。
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
當女人圍好浴巾回到樓上。當她到浴室門口，
her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
她老公問 "是誰呀？" 她回答 "是鄰居Bob"
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
"好極了" 這老公說 "那這傢伙有沒有提到他欠我的 ＄800?"
Moral of the story:
這故事告訴你：
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
如果你及時的給你的股東分享關於信用和風險的關鍵訊息，
你可以避免不必要的暴露。
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Lesson Number 5
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A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
一名神父讓一位修女搭便車，她入坐後翹起腿來，不經意的露出長袍下的玉腿。
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
神父就差一點兒出車禍。在控制著車車後，他偷偷的將他的手滑向她的腿。
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
修女說 "神父，記得讚美詩第129條嗎？" 神父縮回他的手。
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
但是，在換檔變速的時候，他的手再次滑向她的腿。
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
修女再次說 "神父，記得讚美詩第129條嗎？"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
神父只好道歉說："抱歉，但肉體是弱的。 "
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
到達修女會，修女繼續自己的路。
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
回到教堂，神父趕緊查讚美詩第129條去。
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
上面寫著："向前、探索、更進一步，你將找到榮耀。 "
Moral of the story:
這故事告訴你：
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
如果你不好好了解你工作內該知道的事事，你可能錯過一堆大好機會。 ----------------------------------
Lesson Number 6
----------------------------- A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
一個初級經理、一個資深經理和老闆一起前去開會的路上
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
路過一個公園，不小心發現一盞燈。就像阿拉丁神燈，他們磨擦燈，出現了一個精靈。
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
這精靈說："通常，我是許發現者3 願望，可偏偏你們有三個人，只好許你們一個人一個願望。"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in
the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.""Pfufffff, and he was gone.
因此喜出望外的高級經理當場大叫："我想要第一個願望。我想要在巴哈馬，無憂無慮的在一艘快艇上渡假。" Pfufffff 一聲，高級經理不見了。
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
接著那個初級經理也沒辦法安靜了，也叫道："我想要在有美麗女孩，足夠的食品和雞尾酒的佛羅里達。" Pfufffff 一聲，初級經理也不見了。
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch."
這頭家平靜的說，"我要這兩個白癡在午餐後回到辦公室來。 "
Moral of the story:
這故事告訴你：
Always allow the boss to speak first
永遠得先讓老闆講話
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Lesson Number 7
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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle.
有一名俄國人、一名德國人、一名美國人和一名法國人，4個找到這個小精靈瓶子。
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
也是當他們擦這個瓶子時，精靈出現了。
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,
為感謝這四個救精靈出瓶子的小子，
"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump,
you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and your wish will come true."
他說："在你們面前的是4個水池，我將許你們每人一個願望。 你跑向水池並跳下去，
，在跳下水時你大叫你希望這水池變成什麼，你的願望就會實現。"
The French wanted to start first. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
法國人先來，他跑向水池，跳並大叫"酒"。 立即變成一水池的酒。
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
法國人粉快樂的在酒池中游泳並暢快的喝著。
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
下一個，輪到俄國人，他同樣的跑過去並大叫道"伏特加酒"，下一刻，俄國人就泡在伏特加酒的水池裡。
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with His beer pool.
德國人接著並大叫 "啤酒"。 他是如此的滿足於他的啤酒池。
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he
最後一個是美國人。 他跑向水池什麼時候
steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
突然一腳踩到香蕉皮上，在他滑向水池的那一剎那，他大叫 ———
"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
這故事告訴你：
Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.
留意你的言語，你永遠都不會知道，這些話將陷你到哪兒去。
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Lesson Number 8
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Usually the shop-floor staff of the company plays football.
通常公司的低層人員踢足球。
The middle-level managers are more interested in tennis.
中級經理對網球更感興趣。
The top management usually has a preference for golf.
最高主管通常喜歡玩高爾夫球。
MORAL OF THE STORY:
這故事告訴你：
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
當你上昇到越高階，能玩的球(膽子)越小。
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Lesson Number 9
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A little bird was flying south for the winter.
一隻小鳥正在飛往南方過冬的途中。
It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
天氣太冷了，小鳥凍僵了，從天上掉下來，跌在一大片農田裡。
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
牠躺在田裡的時候，一隻母牛走了過來，而且拉了一泡便便在鳥兒身上。
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
凍僵的小鳥躺在牛屎堆裡，發覺牛糞真是太溫暖了。
The dung was actually thawing him out!
牛糞讓牠慢慢暖過勁兒來了！
He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
它躺在那兒，又暖和又開心，不久就開始高興地唱起歌曲了。
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
一隻路過的貓聽到了小鳥的歌聲，走過來查個究竟。
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
順著歌聲，貓發現了躲在牛糞中的小鳥，非常敏捷地將它刨了出來，當場把牠給吃了！
Moral of the story:
這故事告訴你：
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
1) 不是每個在你身上拉屎的都是你的敵人。
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
2) 不是每個把你從屎堆中拉出來的都是你的朋友。
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
3) 而且，當你陷入深深的屎堆中（身陷困境）的時候，閉上你的鳥嘴！ |
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