So happy for you that you found your true love and companion the second time around! I wasn't against divorce or second or third marriage, only that I guess when we get older, it becomes harder to find the person who truly complements us since it's harder to change our ways at that point of time in life. You are very lucky and probably also work very hard to protect the kind of love you share with your wife now because your past experience probably makes you cherish what you have now even more!!!
In my first marriage, my ex-wife was such a strong person so that she always got her way at home. However, it did poison our relationship so that we ended with a divorce (lao tubi was right here!). In my second marriage, I did everything as correct as zhao jun suggested to keep a good marriage and I am have a good marriage so far after more than 10 years. Therefore, I strongly support zhao jun\'s comments and wish all the middle aged couples can practise these rules. By the way, after 10 years since my second marriage, we still have sparks between us: one day seperate like 3 years of seperations. I wish other families can have the same happiness.
我同意如果双方个性都很强，而且随着阅历的增加这种个性和对事物的看法变得更加fixated的话(my way or the highway)，确实会是一个很难跨过的坎。其实，有时候真的是“退一步海阔天空”，婚姻不是讲道理的地方，谁都没必要“永远正确”啊！再说，人是会变的，就看是谁来适应谁了。我老公常说，和我这个急脾气的人在一起久了，他也变得容易急躁了！我的回答：“为什么你不能用你的好脾气来影响我呢？”。其实，一般来讲双方会在中间某个点会合吧！象我，比起年轻时，急脾气已经好得多了：)！
相对来说，年轻人往往更容易相互适应，磨合，也更可能会有那种“grow together" 的经历。从这个角度来说，"first marriage" 可能比second or third marriage 的成功概率更大一些，因为双方的“可塑性”可能更强一点！ 我是很向往那种“执子之手，与子偕老”的境界的.
Marriage, is a relationship between a man and a woman, it's just like any other human relationships in the long run.
There are 2 stages of it: the short passionate stage -- that mysterious and invincible "chemistry", the so-called "falling in love", which brings, and ONLY brings two complete strangers together; when this fade away, the second stage kicks in, which is the long term relationship, and this part is just like any other human relationships, to make it work, it requires full scale loving and forgiving from both partners all the time, without this from either one partner, it will fail, if not in its formality (the marriage form itself),then in reality -- marriage becomes a prison.
The second phase of the relationship is dull,and needs a lot of work compared to the first one, that's why lot people choose to fall in love over and over again,-- to find excitement and let go of the work, especially if the two persons are not compatible in the first place. but there could be a great payback of a good long term relationship.
Everyone is free to make his or her own choice, there is always consequences for every decision, think well what you really want, what's best for your situation. With compatibility, lot of work and maybe a little luck, find a soul mate for a loving long term relationship would be the most ideal way. And coincident is not what it seems to be, you will meet whoever you should meet in this life time, don't worry.
hi, thanks for the article. Well written and articulate. I see your points that middle-aged couples can still have extended love and passion, that the youth romance and passion evolved into family trivia things and young lovers become life partners.,etc. However, you failed to mentino that strong personality of couples play a key role in the life of our mid-aged couples. No only the passion faded away, but also the personal wills(yi zhi) of each of get stronger. We face so many difficulities in our common life, we disagree over so many things, and we insist that only "I am right." hurting another side's feelings. In my own experience, if a person has a strong will and uncompromising in everything, this may result in marriage crisis. well, I think I should write something in Chinese. English is always a mean of convenience, not an effective way for our Chinese to make points clear. Thanks again for your article. Something learned from here.
顶。 Seems 万维 became the discussion board for middle aged couples. Just want to add some thought. Sometimes, an affair may not be a bad thing for the marriage. It is a really wake up call and put both wife and husband at a situation to search deeply in the soul. I believe after QY and WY in “冰雹”go through the step, they will rediscover their love and take good care of it. They could be much happier than before when everything is routine and the couple just behave like partners.
But so many Chinese, even after they've been in the US for a long time, still have trouble saying those words out loud! Like someone's comment about another blog on romance, Chinese, especially Chinese men, are brought up in a way that make them so "impaired" in this department!
Totally agree with you! Another way to love each other is always tell him or her that you love him (or her). Believe it or not, it helps. Every day, every time when you call each other, say that after your talk. Even if you have nothing important to tell each other, say something nonsense and tease each other.
