美国作家Elizabeth Gilbert 最近几年来可是红透了半边天- 她的自传作品“Eat,Pray,Love” 从2004 年问世以来,持续180个星期高居“ New York Times 畅销书首榜,发行了600万 册,被翻译成30多种文字;2008年,Elizabeth Gilbert也被美国《时代》周刊评为“影响世界的100位名人”。最近这本书被好莱坞拍成电影,领衔主演剧中主角的, 正是当红大明星 Julia Roberts, 更是将Liz Gilbert 的名声推上新的高潮。
一般来讲,我不大喜欢读这类“太个人”的作品(虽然我喜欢读传记,但并不喜欢读自传); 但这本书何以在全球引起这样的追捧和轰动, 是让我感兴趣的一个问题。因此, hold 了这么久,还是在电影刚出来的当儿买来这本书，并花了两个礼拜的业余时间，断断续续地看完了;电影呢,也终于在上上周末,趁老公在税季忙碌中难得的一个清闲周六,拖他一起去看了。
和原作相比, 电影就很一般了--要在两个半小时的时间里,将书中的许多层次和细节表现出来,的确是比较难的事情,所以给人的感觉很匆忙,很表面; 有些在我看来很重要的细节和人物情节,没有得到渲染,甚至被砍掉, 大大地削弱了作品的深度和层次; 当然影片有原作不能比的advantage，那就是视觉和声音的效应-- 尤其是意大利的那一部分, 足够让人“眼睛吃够冰淇淋”; 除此之外，大嘴美女演绎的女主角Liz,和充满异国情调的Javier Bardem 扮演的巴西情人,也都还中规中矩; 只是演到最后,我有点想打哈欠的感觉; 而老公看完后的反应也是我意料之中的：“ What a self-centered woman!" - 哈哈,他的这个印象似乎和不少资深影评人, 比如 Roger Ebert 很接近呢 -- 也许这是多数男性观众(especially the ones who did not read the book - which is probably the majority in this group)的共同观感吧。
一年的旅途结束,Gilbert 不仅找到了肉体欢愉和精神升华之间的平衡,还遇到了自己的“soul mate”, 比她大十七岁的巴西男子Felipe。我不能免俗地想要知道,五年后的今天，他们是否还是happily ever after 呢？ 到 Gilbert 的网站查了一下, 知道两人在前年已经结婚，目前定居于New Jersey; Felipe 在当地开了一个专门经营他从东南亚进口艺术品的珠宝首饰店; 而 Gilbert ,刚于今年初出版了 “Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage" 。
看了一下该书的简介,知道 Gilbert 之所以写这本书,是因为她和 Felipe的“unusual journey on the road to marriage” -- 由于两人在此前的婚姻中都有很多不快乐的经历,他们曾经定下“不结婚”的约定,而且因为 Felipe的生意主要在东南亚,他们也约定两人今后的生活将divide between Bali, New York, and Australia(很浪漫的proposition); 岂料Felipe 因为在很短的时间内多次出入美国边境，在一次旅 行中被国家安全局拘捕,要驱逐出境 - 而唯一能让他避免被驱逐的办法, 就是和Liz 结婚。于是, 两人“不得不”违背曾经的约定,重新走入婚姻的殿堂;而 Liz在很不情愿的进入第二次婚姻的时候, 又一次戴上作家的帽子,进行了一番“婚姻到底是个什么玩艺儿”的学术研究 - 这就是这本书产生的背景。
在我看来,与其说这是一本严肃的学术著作,还不如说是作者为说服自己再次接受婚姻这个形式的一种努力。这当然无可厚非,但我感觉作者似乎是带着一种“先入为主”的眼光在剖析婚姻这个 “stubbornly enduring old institution”。我想我是不会去读这本书的, 而且我也不看好这本书的销售会再创奇迹(本来在一本非常成功的作品之后再推出“后续”性质的一本书,尽管是不同的genre和体裁, 就是一个比较有风险的商业行为)。不过,我还是看了 Gilbert 关于这本书的一些访谈和短文,其中关于男女在婚姻中的得失的观点引起了我的注意。在“ Western Style Problem” 这一章中,作者这样总结道: "Marriage is far, far more beneficial to men than women. Married men perform far better in life than single men, and are happier than single men, and live longer than single men, and earn more money than single men. Married women, on the other hand, make less money than single women, suffer more from depression than single women, dont live as long as single women, and are more likely to be the victims of violence than single women. This has always been the case, which does fly in the face of the mythology and romanticizing of marriage that is epidemic in our culture”。我不清楚她这些结论的依据是什么，但似乎和我印象当中的一些研究发现不太一致。为此，我专门查找了一些有关的资料, 这里就谈谈我的观点。
根据Pew Research Center2010 年一月发表的题为“Women, Men and the New Economics of Marriage"报告, 男女在婚姻中的地位在过去三十年中有了很大的改变- 在1970年, 30-44 岁的美国本土出生的人口中,只有4%的丈夫的收入低于妻子;而在2007 年, 这个比例上升到了22% (见图一)。与此同时，在1970 年只有20% 的家庭中妻子的教育程度超过丈夫； 而在于2007 年这个比例上升到了28%； 同期，女性占大学毕业生的比例也从1970 年的36% 上升到了2007 年的54%，而因为教育程度和收入水平总体来说呈正相关，所以这两个趋势是直接相关的.也就是说, 随着女性受教育程度的大幅度提高，她们的收入水平也在同期大幅度上升。
Graph 1
在这个背景下,我们再来看看所谓的“marriage gain for men” 到底是怎么回事。在同一个报告中,研究人员比较了四个群体的收入水平：已婚男性,已婚女性,未婚女性,和未婚男性。研究表明,前三个群体的 adjusted household income 在过去27年中平均增长了60%或更多,而“未婚男性”这个群体的收入增长则只有16%(见图二)! 这应该就是Liz 所说“已婚男性比未婚男性挣钱更多”的一个重要依据。但是,如果我们仔细分析一下这个数据后面的因素，就会发现这个结论其实是非常草率的, 因为它忽略了这个表面的现象背后的一些因素。
Graph 2
为什么这样说呢？ 首先我们来看看“已婚男性”和“未婚男性”这两个群体的比较 - 从图二可以看出,已婚男性这个群体在1970 年的平均收入是低于未婚男性群体的, 但在2007 年却大大超过了后者。所以,说过去27年时间内, "married men experienced the most income gain in relative sense 似乎是 fair statement. 但是, 正如研究报告中指出的那样,这种差别其实更多的是“compositional in nature",因为这个研究使用的数据是“adjusted household income"(AHI = household income/household size --这里的“household" 并非只针对“已婚家庭”,而是人口和经济学上的一个概念--独身者,单亲家庭 are all treated as "household”);而因为在2007 年已婚家庭中双方都工作的比例比1970 年高很多, 加上越来越多的女性的收入超过她们的配偶(see Graph 1),所以“已婚男性”这个群体的AHI 水平高于未婚的counterparts,也就是很正常的了(顺便说一下,如果我们真的要探究“已婚男性”是否比“未婚男性”在个体层面收入更高,那么我们就应该用 individual income level, 而至少现在这个调查报告无法提供这样的数据).
更重要的是,在1970 年到2007 年这段时间中,虽然结婚率在所有人群中都呈现下降趋势，但下降率最严重的,正好是受教育最低的这个阶层(see Graph 3)。也就是说,“未婚男性”的收入普遍低于“已婚男性”群体,除了因为前者是household里唯一的income earner,而后者可能 benefit from his spouses income 这个"compositional reason"外(even though the income is adjusted for household size, the fact that married men might wives who make more money than them can boost the adjusted household income of this group); 还可能因为"未婚男性"这个群体本身就 less likely to be well educated (and we know how education level can be positively related to income level)! 虽然同样的趋势也适用於女性(即受教育程度最低的女性,更 likely to be unmarried),但因为女性在过去30 年中的总体收入上升速度超过男性(起点低),所以这个群体的收入在同期的增长幅度(从$30,597 上升到$48,738,上升幅度60%)还是高于未婚男性(从$56,951 上升到$65,849, 上升幅度16%)。尽管如此， “unmarried women ”群体的绝对收入水平在四个群体中仍然是最低的--所以,Gilbert说"married women earn less money than single women", 至少没有得到这个研究结果的支持。
颂兄： 不好意思，刚才都没看到你的评论-- 我不认为这位作家和三毛有太多的可比之处 -- 三毛的个性中有很多“出世”的成分，她的周游世界，让人感到更多的是“自我流放”；而 Liz 则不然，她是一个非常“入世”的人，很典型的美国人, even though both are "world traveler", and both seem to care a lot about spiritual growth.
“You gain from marriage, even if you lose it eventually, but at least learn your lesson. ” Love that!! I always believe that, every step in our life's journey should enrich it, and in the end, it's these decisions and actions that become the meaning of your whole life. There will be mistakes, definitely, but the most important thing is to learn from them, and not repeat them again and again:).
Your last comment bring smile to my face - actually, I will have to disagree- even though I married young and have enjoyed married life for almost 20 years, I don't think marriage is the only way to happiness for women or men, even though it's an important part of the lives of many of us. I'd change your last sentence slightly, to "Life is worth living, with or without the Mr/Mrs. Right:)."
As always, your article is inspiring and enlightening. I wish I had the luxury to pitch in all I've thought about marriage...
Before entering the registrar's room for the knot-tying ceremony, I asked whether I'd be able to be independent economically and emotionally. Yet as the marriage drags on, I would say it's not easy to label it with a price tag -- even though economists do have substantiated such a tag. You gain from marriage, even if you lose it eventually, but at least learn your lesson.
I agree with your conclusion: it takes two hands to clap. After all, marriage has its own merit. With a Mr (or Mrs) Right, life is worth living.
谢谢你的留言！ 你说得真好，如果一个人在婚姻中只考虑对方的需要，而忽略自己的需要，那这样的婚姻也不会长久；我觉得最好的状态应该是双方都在考虑对方需要的时候，为自己保留一些空间和时间 -- 正如 Gilbert 在书中对自己的婚姻和感情经历总结的那样：“I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place. But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything.. ...I will give you all this and more, until I get exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else". 从一定意义上来说，她是自己把自己捆绑在一个又一个 relationships 中不能自拔(and since she started dating at age 15, she had consistently had a boy or a man in her life), 所以在充满苦毒的离婚结束之后，她会需要那么长的时间 just be herself ，也是很可以理解的。
Thanks for sharing this interesting piece!! It makes a more complete picture of the struggles women still face in the professional world, despite all the improvements over the last decades.
I agree that even though women have made big strides in the roles they play in the society in general, the road to the top of the hierarchy is still very hard for them. The fact that only a small fraction of the fortune 500 firms are headed by women is revealing, and the fact that we are making a big case out of having female candidates for president and vice president is telling as well (to think of it, even countries like Indonesia and Pakistan have had female top leaders, let alone other developed countries like Germany). And it's true that many female "super achievers" are indeed single, and childless, like Condi Rice. But on the other hand, there are super successful women who seem to balance them all - career, family, and children - that list might include people like Meg Whitman (married to a neurosurgeon and have two children), Nancy Pelosi (windowed, with five children), Carly Fiorina (no children), or Marissa Mayer of Google (of course she has no children yet).
But the main thrust of my piece is not whether "we've made it" as a group in today's society, or whether the "gender gap" still exists in the society. I was simply trying to share my thoughts on the statements made by the author of this book regarding "men gain more from marriage than women economically".
涂仙眼光敏锐--他在评论中提到我的文章中的一些观点和你的多篇文章的主题之间的“synergy"。 不过他忘记了另外一篇，就是你最近的关于“梦想”的文章。如我上面所说，书中作者没有对婚姻失败的具体原因做任何说明，但影片中给人的印象似乎是因为她前夫是一个只知道“梦想”，不知道行动的人，而且对她的“梦想”(不要孩子，两个人自由自在地周游世界，享受生活)不予理解和支持。我总觉得这个 positioning 有些自相矛盾 --Liz 一边希望丈夫无条件地支持自己的梦想，一边又对丈夫想要转换职业方向，回到学校重新开始的梦想不以为然，把它当作他不成熟，不负责任的表现， 是否的确是有点“self-centered”呢？在两人离婚协议的confrontation 中,Liz 质问 "So what is your dream?",前夫说：“You are my dream" -- "你就是我的梦想”. 这个回答非常令Liz 意外,也令我更加让我感到Liz 的自相矛盾。
我知道Liz 这句话("Men gain more from marriage than women")指的是女性在婚姻家庭中的sacrifice in the broad, general sense; 但她的确也说了“Married men earn more income than unmarried men, but the reverse is true for women"。我的质疑主要是对这个结论(职业病，呵呵)。至于广义上的“牺牲”, 因为很难量化,所以恐怕也只能是一个perception 啦。
婚姻中的男女的得失，的确是一个太大的话题，这篇也只是从一个角度(经济上的得失)来探讨这个问题。我也同意“统计学也许是描述婚姻的好工具， 但往往只是看到表象”; 但很多时候,不说话的数字会被人用来 make their own cases, 所以探究探究数字后面的错综复杂的元素,还是有作用的。
水姐： 真的啊，那我要听听你家老公对这部电影的观感了？
我很赞同你说的, “尽管我对Liz Gilbert在男女问题上的一些做法和思考不能产生共鸣,并且她的心灵探索和内心力量重建的方式很特殊,并不是一般人能够做到的,但是喜欢考虑女性自身问题,关心爱情与婚姻的问题的人,读读这本书也不错.”。 其实影片还有一个忽略掉的细节(不知是有意还是无意)，就是没有提及她的这一年“心灵旅程”，实际上是出版公司预付的书款所资助的(当然这家出版商是慧眼识人，从这本书上得到的投资回报，自然是了不得的，呵呵)。 如果不知道这点背景，很容易产生“ How can she afford such a luxury to pursue pure happiness and spiritual devotion without worrying about her worldly obligations”， 因而对人物的认同和 identification 产生障碍。
Actually I think this topic is easier to write about in English than in Chinese - especially all the statistics and comparison would be much clearer if it's written in English:).
You are absolutely right - this is topic that's too big to roll into one piece - actually I have already toned down the first part (the pseudo- book review and movie review) because it's kind of distracting from the main thrust of this piece - that is, the "gain" or "loss" of men and women in the marriage. And although I don't agree with everything Liz did in her relationships (like "falling madly in love" who she considered as her "soul mate" back then almost immediately after she separated from her estranged husband -with a much younger man, no less), I agree that it's her journey that's matter to her, and I'm happy that she has found her true love through this journey.
In the book she did not reveal the specific reasons behind the failure of her first marriage, other than acknowledgment that "Much of it had to do with my problems, but a good portion of our troubles were related to his issues. That's only natural, there are always two figures in a marriage, after all - two votes, two opinions, two conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations". I understand and admire her choice. But the way the movie portrayed their marriage gave an impression that her husband was the one to blame solely, hence it seems to be superficial and unconvincing and biased.
And to answer your last question - she did not have children from her previous marriage - as a matter of fact, not wanting to have children was one of the reason she did not want to stay in the marriage. Her current husband had grown child from his previous marriage, and of course, it goes without saying that they had an "agreement" that they would not have any more kids, if not for nature's limitations - after all, he's 17 years her senior and is now in his 60s :)
